


The Briefest Kiss

by WeirdChick333



Category: Last Shadow Puppets
Genre: Developing Relationship, Love, M/M, milex - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2020-11-26 00:57:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 97,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20921534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeirdChick333/pseuds/WeirdChick333
Summary: This story begins as the EYCTE tour comes to an end. Miles and Alex are closer than ever. But what happens when they get too close? Can they contain their deepest desires? Do they even want to?





	1. A Good Night's Sleep

They had done it again. They had broken another boundary. It was becoming a regular occurrence, it seemed. But Alex had yet to decide for himself if it was a lucky repeat or the proverbial bad habit. 

His hand went to his cheek, absentmindedly touching the very spot that had been so utterly scorched some mere hours ago. His eyes closed at the memory. What an innocent little move it had been. A joke, really. Maybe even an accident. A slight flutter of Miles' tongue. Not quite a lick. The tiniest taste of contact. But it had left Alex giggling like a school boy who’d just gotten his first touch of lips.

Had Miles messed with him? Had it been an attempt to lighten him up, to make him laugh? If anything, that was the most likely explanation. What other reason was there, frankly? Why would one’s best mate lick one’s cheek? On stage? In front of an audience desperate for a salacious moment? He himself had done it to Miles. He loved doing it, too. Loved every chance he got to rattle Miles’ cool stage-persona. That man was a master of his profession, always on point, always in control, never out of words. Alex lived for those few and rare moments when he could make Miles forget a line or slip up on the guitar. It meant that he’d stolen Miles’ attention away from the crowd, the stage, the guitar, away from anything and everyone. 

There was only one problem: When Miles did turn his entire attention on Alex, when he directed his big, curious eyes at him, when he stared at him with a mixture of adoration and expectation, Alex forgot to do his job as well. And that happened far more often than it should.

He placed one hand against the floor length window, leaned against it and finished the drink in his hand. At long last a hotel suite. A guy needed some privacy once in a while. The tour bus had its charm but every now and then Alex’s head needed space and silence to work through all the thoughts that kept him awake at night. 

Like tonight. 

Wasn’t it ridiculous that one little lick could occupy so much space in a head that was already overloaded to begin with? Why, oh why, did Miles have to lick his cheek? Alex knew why he himself did those things. He knew his own intentions, knew his actions were in jest and not in earnest. 

Lest…

No. Alex shook his head as placed the glass aside. A self-ridiculing chuckle slipped past his lips. Okay, fine, he had kissed Miles. Once. Very briefly. Could it even be called a kiss? The contact had been so brief, so fleeting, so vague that it was hardly a kiss by any common definition of the word. Really, he’d only done it because rumour had it that such displays of affection on that particular stage were most unwelcome. But he’d always been a rebel at heart. Telling him not to do something, even merely hinting at it, was all it took to make him tackle that taboo with a vengeance.

And Miles had laughed it off. They had both had laughed it off. Soundly! 

Except for that splinter of a second, right as it had been happening, as their lips had been touching, when Alex had caught himself thinking that he’d felt less of a sensation during previous kisses with women whose lips should have left a far greater impression.

Though, honestly, what did that mean, he wondered, as he mocked himself with an eye-roll. Miles could kiss. Nothing he hadn’t known before. He’d overheard enough of Miles’ former flings telling just that. 

As he made his way towards the bed with a shake of head, he passed the acoustic guitar that never strayed too far from his side and the eternal songwriter within him got hold of his consciousness. _“I wonder, did you like it? Did you like it just a little bit? Did you like it like I did?” _

With a loud sigh he dropped backwards onto the bed and closed his eyes. He’d never fall asleep like this, his mind was too obsessed. But at least his bones would get some rest.

Well, imagine that. Napped, he had! 

But not for long. Around three a.m., a mere two hours after going to bed, he got off the bed, lost his shoes on the way to the bathroom and eventually found himself back at the large window, gazing out across the city. These were the hours of the night he didn’t like. His thoughts had abandoned him, the songwriter within him was peacefully asleep and what remained of him was bored witless. 

Could he do it tonight? Should he? Would he be okay with it? Tired but restless, Alex knew not what else to do except do what he always did when he longed for companionship. He padded back towards the bed, changed into his pajamas. Dark blue silk pyjamas with black lining and silver buttons. A gift from Miles, who firmly believed that being dressed well at night encouraged sleeping well at night.

Once the last button was done, he made his way to the door, switched the light off, grabbed the room keycard and headed out. Thankfully, he didn’t have to walk far. As the two front-men of the Shadow Puppets, Miles and he had neighboring rooms. When he was touring with the Monkeys, things were a little trickier. But not tonight. He knocked once, not too loud. Then again. A moment passed. 

Then the door opened. Miles’ sleepy face appeared from behind it as he let Alex inside. “Bad dream?”

No further questions. Alex wasn’t sure sleepy Miles even cared for any kind of answer. His friend, wearing monogrammed Gucci pyjamas as Alex noted with a slight grin, walked wordlessly back towards the bed, got in and switched the light off. 

“You don’t mind, do you?” He slipped underneath the covers, shifted until he was resting comfortably on what had at some point become his side of the bed, and waited patiently for an answer. 

Miles turned around, eyes still closed, but smiling gently. Alex couldn’t see it. The room was pitch black. But he knew. He knew not how, but he knew. And smiled back. Miles’s arm reached out as he crawled closer towards Alex, then it slid around him, rolled him over and pulled his back against his front. “Have I ever minded?” He whispered into Alex’s hair. “Night, Al.”

“Night, Mi.”


	2. Plans

Miles woke up alone in bed and that, truly, came to no surprise. Alex had a habit of slipping out as soon as the first rays of sunlight slipped in. The only time he had ever stayed until the next morning had been the first night he’d come over and when they had woken up, all tangled up in one another, Alex had been uncomfortable to say the least. 

Whereas Miles had simply held on to Alex to stay warm, since it had been a cold winter morning, Alex had squirmed and struggled to gain distance from him. And that had become the theme anytime they touched. Alex needed human contact, needed to touch people, to know that it was okay to be close to others. But he could only endure it for so long. At some point it became too intense, too heavy with meaning, and then he bolted. 

In the beginning, Miles had taken it personal. He had struggled with the entirety of it, found it odd that Alex would walk up to him, hug him, hold him, drape himself all over him in a sense, but then, when Miles would come to Alex for the same kind of connection, Alex would pull away. It had taken him a while to understand it and to not hold on, but to simply let go. These days, a decade into their friendship, it was just one more thing that made Alex unique in Miles’ perception. And, also, it was one more thing that made Miles protective of Alex. 

After digging his face into the pillow one last time, breathing in that unique scent of hotel room pillow mixed with Alex Turner, he climbed out of bed and headed towards the shower. They had to be on the road in an hour and if there was one thing Miles hated, it was leaving late. Which, when you were touring with Alex, was a regular occurrence. 

Half an hour later he was sitting in the lobby, coffee in hand, reading up on the latest news. By the time Alex strolled down, he was on the phone with his girlfriend. 

“No, babe, I told you. We went to our rooms early.” 

Alex sat down across from Miles, took the coffee out of his hand and finished it off. “’nother one?” he asked, wiggling the cup.

Miles shook his head. “Hannah, I mean it, you won’t bother anyone if you come back along for a bit. Alex doesn’t hate you! He’s just…” He met Alex’s eyes, eyebrows raised, and hesitated. “Well, he’s…kind of hard to get to know. And you get along well with Taylor. So you’re not alone. She’ll be joining us soon, too. Okay, well, think about it. Love ya.” He hung up.

Alex leaned back and dramatically crossed his arms. “So, I’m hard to get to know, huh? How long are the two of you together now? Maybe, if she stopped looking at me as though I am Santa Clause, I’d be more open to a conversation.”

“Al, she doesn’t understand this thing that you and I have. She walked in on us while I was taking a shower and you were laying on the bed in your underwear, singing _All You Need Is Love_ to me.”

“It was fucking hot that day, your AC was broken and you said you needed inspiration. The Beatles always inspire you!”

Miles rolled his eyes. It was a perfectly reasonable explanation. “I know that, you know that, she…tries to understand that.”

“Whatever. Well, I’m ready to go. Shall we leave for the bus?”

“Let’s leave for the bus,” said Miles and fell into step next to Alex. “Last night you wore the pyjamas I gave you.” A grin tugged on his lips. “Comfortable, ey? Did it help you sleep well?”

Alex smiled but didn’t say anything. That was enough to make him smile, too. At least Alex had slept well, then. Miles tried to forget his call with Hannah. She wasn’t here yet and until she arrived, he wouldn’t worry about her getting along with Alex. Sometimes he wished she’d be a tiny bit more like Taylor. Taylor was cool with everything. She never asked why, she just went with it. If Alex and he wanted to sing to one another during dinner, she just laughed and enjoyed the entertainment. If Alex wanted to spend time with him instead of her, she shrugged it off and never took offense. And if she wanted to spend time with Alex, she was blunt about it and Miles was happy to use that time to, in return, spend time with Taylor’s dog. He liked it when things were easy. Complications and personal conflict put him in a bad mood. They clogged his head and stopped him from thinking about music and that was enough to ruin any day. 

Alex linked his arm with Miles’. “A few more weeks and we’ll be done with this tour. Time has passed so fast.”

“Almost too fast.”

“I detect a note of sadness in your voice. Will you miss spending all your days with me? I will miss your company.”

Miles pulled him closer. “I’ll miss you, alright. But lately I keep thinking about my next steps. I want to release my next album as soon as possible. I can’t wait to record it. But writing new material…it’s been harder and harder. I find myself utterly uninspired.”

“Still?” 

“At first I thought it was just a fluke. But it’s been weeks since I really wanted to write a song. I don’t know how to deal with that. I’ve never felt that way before.”

“Maybe you need something new in your life,” suggested Alex as he leaned in and pressed the quickest kiss on Miles’ cheek. “Or, maybe, you need a passionate love affair. A wicked tryst, a moment of moral decay, to draw inspiration from.”

“Or perhaps I simply need a vacation,” countered Miles as he let Alex’s arm slip away from his. They stood in front of the tour bus and when the door opened, he held out his hand for Alex. The latter took it, smiled and climbed up to steps. Miles followed behind him. 

The bus driver chuckled as he started the engine. “You guys are such a Jane Austen novel!” 

“Jealous?” Alex grinned. “I can’t help the fact that my Miles is such a gentleman!”

Miles bowed stately, lowered head and all, as he bit back a bark of laughter. “Somebody has to help the princess to get on board safely!” 

“Precisely,” joined Alex, performing a magnificent curtsy. “My Lord!”

“My Lady!” 

“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” muttered the bus driver as he drove ahead. 

They had spent most of the day apart. Alex had a newfound obsession with space and planets and kept reading book after book while trying his hardest not to recite every last detail to Miles or whoever else was around. Not that Miles minded the occasional science lecture but Alex found even the most trivial information endlessly exciting and at some point Miles couldn’t listen to any more theories on why certain grains of sand had certain shapes. 

That aside, Miles was busy with being too busy to write. He had replied to every single email in his account, had reorganized his calendar and his phone contacts and ordered a new piece of furniture for his London apartment. Not long and he’d return to it and by then his ever-growing collection of loafers needed additional living space. Or maybe he just needed a bigger apartment. And so, after buying furniture online, he’d checked for bigger apartments. 

Alex had gone to bed an hour ago and by the time he settled into his bunk, everyone on the bus was already sleeping. Or so he thought. At first, one hand slipped between the drapes of his bunk, then a second one, and after that, swiftly, the rest of Alex followed. Miles just scooted further to the side to make so room. “If you plan on sleeping here,” he whispered as quietly as he could, “bring your own pillow.”

Resting on his back, Alex tugged his chin above Miles’ shoulder. “Yours smells better,” he murmured. “Did you mean it? Earlier? Taking a vacation?”

Miles nodded into the darkness. 

“I’ve always wanted to go to India. Maybe we could go together when this tour is done? Or we could go somewhere else. You’ve always wanted to go see the Penguins. We could do that. Or do both.”

For a while they laid side by side in complete silence. Miles would love to travel the world with Alex, but so would Taylor. And while she was no doubt cool about a lot of things, he doubted she’d be fine with Alex leaving for a while after having just done a tour all summer. Not to forget, Hannah had already suggested a few places where she had always wanted to go.

Sadness fell over Miles as the inevitable became inescapable: One day soon he would have to say goodbye to Alex. This tour had been the culmination of two years in which they had become inseparably close. But this time was coming to an end. They would remain friends forever, but they would see less of each other. So much less. 

And Alex knew, too. Miles could tell. It was why his friend suggested going away together. It was his way of prolonging the unpreventable. 

Miles reached for Alex hand and squeezed it almost desperately. “Let’s not talk about it tonight.”

“Promise me something, Mi? Wherever we go when this is over, let’s never stray too far from one another.”

“Never.” Miles turned to face the wall, tugged Alex’s arm around him and all but draped himself with his best friend. Alex pulled him tightly against his front and covered them both with the blanket. 

“Night, Mi.”

“Night, Al.”


	3. A Cheesy Night

“This is it, then.” Miles took a sip from his bottle of beer as he sat down next to Alex. The night was in full swing. They had just gotten back from the bar where they had celebrated the grand finale of their tour here in Paris, a city which both loved dearly. But while it was nice to know that this was the beginning of a new chapter, closing the last one wasn’t quite so easy. 

Alex leaned back against the sliding glass door as they sat on the floor of Miles’ balcony. “I quite liked being on tour with you. We should do it again some time.” He meant the words, but knew that, for a long while, this would be it. It was time to return to their day jobs. The Shadow Puppets were, after all, just a musical interlude and not the main show. Pressing his shoulder against Miles’, Alex smiled gently. “Hell of a summer, wasn’t it? Loved playing with you. Hated doing the interviews.”

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” laughed Miles. 

“Dickens?” Alex chuckled. “Are you becoming a book enthusiast now?” 

“Just trying to get into the right headspace to write.”

“Still drawing blanks?”

Miles shrugged. “Maybe it’s this thing, this tour. Maybe I need a change of scenery to get into it again. Where are you headed after tonight?”

Alex thought about it for a moment. “Back to London for a bit and then, I think, I might return to France. I rather enjoy it here and I, too, need a change of scenery.” He dropped his head onto Miles’ shoulder. “I must admit, I will miss living near you, though.” 

Placing his head on top of Alex’s, Miles agreed. “It was nice knowing you were never more than a few minutes away.”

Closing his eyes, Alex relaxed against Miles and just enjoyed the contact, the feeling of his body warming his own, the soft movements of Miles’ breathing, the familiar scent of fruity shampoo and expensive cologne. “Remember the last time we sat under the sky and watched the stars?”

“New Year’s Day – or night, two and a half years ago,” recalled Miles immediately. 

“You were strumming away on your guitar and I was just sitting there, by the pool, watching the moon. Who would have thought that night would mark the beginning of a years-long adventure?”

“Certainly not me.” Miles grinned at Alex as he placed his forehead against that of his friend and met his eyes. “You were so fascinated by the moon, I doubted you even heard a note of what I was playing.” 

“I heard every note,” said Alex quietly. “And then you joked, my planet or yours. I thought it was the coolest line you ever dropped and you wasted it on me.”

“I’ve never wasted a line on you in my life.”

Rubbing his nose against Miles’ cheek, Alex shifted even closer towards him. Being this close to his friend was intoxicating in a manner that seemed utterly new to Alex and yet, overwhelmingly familiar. It was intimate, it was affectionate, it was just how they were, always in need of contact, but, lately, there was an urgency to it that Alex had the hardest time defining. 

Miles wrapped his arm around Alex, pulling him closer still. “Look at all those tiny stars, Al.” Being this near to one another, there was no need for anything louder than a whisper. “Hanging in the sky like a million tiny Babybels. Think anyone has ever tried to arrange them into a song?”

“What a cheesy question.” Both laughed at that. Alex wanted to quip something else, but he forgot what it was when Miles pressed his lips gently against those his own to give him the most tender of kisses. It wasn’t their first kiss. But, in some way, it was. The first real one. No audience to tease. No one to entertain. Just them and the night. His lips were warm and smooth, like the finest drink, the sweetest treat, and they melted wholly against Alex’s. These weren’t the lips of someone who was jesting. This was the kiss of someone who was kissing. But it didn’t last for long. Their lips touched for none more than five painfully slow beats of Alex’s heart. And then it was all over. 

Miles leaned back, softly smiled, closed his eyes and rested his head back on Alex’s shoulder. “I’ve fantasised about doing that for a long time,” he murmured and promptly fell asleep. 

Alex had no such luck. His head was still stuck in those five beats. And as his hand reached up, touching incredulously the very spot where Miles’ lips had been a mere moment ago, he wondered if he would ever find his way out of those five heartbeats. Because, to him, what had happened in between those five heartbeats had been altogether life-changing. 

So, he sat there, in the dark, wrapped up in Miles’ embrace, trying to make sense of it. And when that didn’t work, when Alex came to the conclusion that there simply was no sense to it, at least none that he could figure out, he started counting the stars instead. Somewhere in the lower six-hundreds, he fell asleep. 

When he woke up, Miles was gone.


	4. Goodbye

“You kissed him?” 

“Who?” Asked Miles, completely unaware of what or whom his girlfriend was talking about. He’d been in the midst of writing a song, which, to him, as of late, became a job rather than a passion. 

“Well, how many were there? I mean, if you need me to clarify which ‘him’ I’m talking about?” 

He sighed deeply, annoyed and irritated by her questions. “Han, I’m not in the mood for this–” 

“You think I was in the mood to find out that my boyfriend made out with his best friend and forgot to tell me about it? Instead I had to find out from her?” 

“From whom? From Taylor?” He guessed. There was none else who could possibly know and, quite honestly, he was surprised Taylor knew at all. Alex had told her, then. A little warning would have been nice, thought Miles. _Thanks, mate_! He placed the guitar away and gave her his full attention. Not that he would get any songwriting done now, anyway. “It happened last year. After the last concert. And you’re getting it wrong if you think it was a big thing. We were both drunk, reminiscing about our time together making that album and…there was a moment and it just happened.” 

“A kiss doesn’t just happen, Miles. Especially with him.” 

“It did this time,” he disagreed. “And what does that even mean, _especially with him_?” Something about her comment rubbed him in the wrong way. “We didn’t make out, Han. It was one brief kiss. And it meant a lot less than what you think. It meant so little, in fact, Alex and I never even talked about it afterwards! We both forgot about it.” It was neither lie nor truth. They had never discussed the kiss. The reason for that, however, wasn’t a lack of cause. It was a lack of opportunity. Or the avoidance of it. 

Whenever Miles tried to remember that night, he recalled having felt a million different emotions all at once. He had been buzzing that night from the rush of playing that concert. He’d been excited about going home. He’d been happy about having a proper last Hurrah with Alex. But, also, he’d been carrying around an immense sadness and the thought of saying goodbye to his best friend had made him cling to him almost desperately. 

Then there had been this moment. Their eyes had met. They had been laughing. The world around them had ceased to exist. To this day Miles couldn’t explain with certainty, not even to himself, what had made him lean in and kiss his best friend. All he knew was this: in that very moment, he had been incapable of not kissing him. As if the universe itself had forced his hand. Never before had he felt such an intense pull to another person, and if he was honest with himself, he hadn’t felt anything like it ever since. Had it been curiosity? Had it been a lingering, too long ignored attraction? He’d always known that theirs was a curious friendship, one that had never conformed to anyone’s expectations. 

But even though they had played it fast and loose on stage, had deliberately tackled the boundaries, just to see how far they could push before pushing too far, Miles had known since the moment their lips had touched that he’d poked a sleeping lion that night and at some point said lion would wake up and start roaring. 

Hannah spoke, pulling him out of his thoughts. “I’ve always known there was a chance you’d cheat on me. It’s the tour, it’s inevitable. All the fans and the partying and…” She paused, met his eyes and for the first time he saw tears shimmering there. “I never thought you’d do it with him.” 

“Hannah, I didn’t cheat. It was one silly, little kiss.” 

“Then why did he write a song about it?” 

“What?” asked Miles incredulously. “What are you talking about, Han?” 

“Just something Taylor said. The point is, he wouldn’t write a song about a silly, little kiss, would he? It meant something to him. And I know you. I know it meant something to you, too. Because it’s Alex.” She slid off the chair and onto the floor, into his lap. He wrapped his arms around her. “He’ll forever mean more to you than every woman ever will and I’ve made my peace with that. And I could accept it as long as I knew he was your friend.” Tears began to fall. “But you kissed. If it were any other person, if it were some random woman, I’d ask you not to see her again. But you won’t give him up. Not even for me.” He voice was quiet and resigned and it broke his heart. 

“Darling, there’s no reason to choose,” interjected Miles quickly. “It will never happen again.” He didn’t tell her that she was wrong. He didn’t say that he’d choose her and not him. He told himself he wouldn’t even entertain that thought. But deep down, as he soothingly caressed her back and whispered calming words to her, he knew, without a shadow of doubt: she was right. He couldn’t say goodbye to Alex. He was a part of his life and that would never change. 

“Can you really promise me that?” Hannah cupped his face in her hands and tilted it upwards, so she could look at him. “Can you really swear to me on your mother’s life that you won’t ever be tempted to kiss him again?” 

Of course. Of course, he thought. Of course, that’s what he should be telling her right now. Of course, that’s what she needed to hear from him and that’s what he needed to tell her to make it all right. So why couldn’t he say it out loud? Why couldn’t he speak right now? 

More tears fell. Hannah slid her arms around his neck and held on to him as tightly as he held onto her. “Thank you for not lying,” she whispered, sunk her nose into his neck and stayed like that for a while. Then, when all the tears had dried, she got up, packed a few things and quietly left the apartment. 

He didn’t once try to stop her. 


	5. Love Songs

“Miles,” said Alex with an uncharacteristic level of annoyance in his voice, “I told you, we’ll be in France all week. Bloody stay at my place, will you? You’ve got the key, there’s food in the fridge and you’ll have plenty of space and time to sign all those CDs and prepare for the release.”

“Alright,” Miles gave in. “I’ll stay there. Thanks, Al. I just want to make sure I’m not getting in the way of things.”

“In the way of what things? Since when do you ask these kinds of questions?” It wasn’t the first time that Miles had made remarks in complete seriousness that, two years ago, he’d have found ridiculously silly and laughable. When had they ever worried about being in each other’s ways? 

“Forget it,” grumbled Miles. “I just need a new place. Soon.” 

Alex understood that Miles was trying to change the topic, and because he didn’t want this conversation to end in a fight, he let him. It was rare enough to get him on the phone these days and he didn’t want this to become a discussion about something that he found stupid to begin with. “Do that, get a new place! How can you even get sleep with those awfully loud neighbours?”

“I’m in no position to complain,” countered Miles. “The last neighbours moved out because I always play guitar at night!”

Alex chuckled. “You’re supposed to sleep at night.”

“Oh yeah? Is that what you’re doing at night?”

“It doesn’t matter what I do at night. I don’t have any immediate neighbours who could take offense,” pointed Alex out, adding, “you should consider getting a house, Mi. That way you’d finally have room for all those shoes and guitars!”

Alex smiled when he heard Miles laughing on the other end. “I’ll consider it,” said his friend. After a moment of silence, Miles spoke again. “Hey, about the other night, sorry I didn’t go out with you. I wasn’t feeling it. But we definitely need to meet up again. It’s been ages since we had a proper night out.”

“Definitely,” agreed Alex and nodded, even though he knew Miles couldn’t see. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re pissed at me for some reason. It’s been over two months since we last saw each other.” It might not seem like a lot of time, but for them it was. “And when you were here, you barely even spent an hour. I know you’re busy, Miles. But when did you become too busy for me?” He was only half-joking. Sometimes it felt as though their friendship had taken a hit along the road, but no matter how often he checked, he could never spot the damage, only knew that it was there, hiding beneath the surface. If he had to describe it to a mechanic, all he’d be able to say was that it felt different. 

“I’m not too busy,” objected Miles, his voice heavy with regret. “I don’t know what’s going on. I feel like I’m in bit of a funk at the moment.”

Alex wished he was with him just then. He didn’t like conversations via telephone. He preferred looking people in the eyes while speaking to them. It made it easier to read emotions. And he desperately wanted to read Miles’ emotions. He sounded as lost and as confused as he himself felt too often these days. “You have to tell me if I did something wrong. You know me, Mi. I don’t always get it when I say something stupid.”

“It’s not you,” said Miles reassuringly. 

But Alex knew his friend, he could tell when Miles was being deliberately ambiguous, and, clearly, there was something that Miles was not saying. They needed to meet. It was the only way he could press him for answers. “Come to France. The weather is nice, we can hang out and I’ll leave you plenty of space to prepare all your shit for the tour, I promise. I’m sure Taylor would love to see you as well!”

“No, she wouldn’t.”

Alex sighed at Miles’ matter-of-fact statement. “It’s been months. How long do you want to drag this out?” And, also, what, precisely, were they dragging out? It was the one thing that Taylor and Miles deliberately kept from him. Sometime last year, the two of them had a big argument. He’d only overheard the tail end of it and knew it was about Miles’ break-up with Hannah. When he went and asked, first Miles, then Taylor, for details, they had both kept quiet about it. It annoyed him greatly that he didn’t know the whole story. He’d like to fix it but how could he fix it if he didn’t know where to begin!

“She’s your girlfriend, not mine. No need to make things right.” Miles went quiet and Alex waited patiently. “Al…I gotta go. I’ll call soon.” Then he hung up.

Alex couldn’t believe it; he stared at the phone in shock. This might very possibly be the first time that Miles hung up on him. “Bloody hell!?”

“You’re okay?” 

Turning around, he found Taylor leaning behind him against the kitchen counter. Alex shook his head. “No. Just talked to Miles. Something is going on with him, I just know.”

She shrugged and turned around. “Who cares?”

“I do!” said Alex quickly and resolutely. “I’m worried about my friend. I’m worried about my friendship with Miles! I’d like to think you care a little about that.” 

She spun back around and found him staring at her with a mixture of expectation and accusation. “Here’s what I would like,” said Taylor bitterly. “I’d like to think you worry about our relationship.”

Alex sat down, his eyes darted away from her and his demeanour took on a far darker shade. “I wasn’t aware I needed to worry about us.” 

“If you paid a little less attention to Miles and a little more attention to me, you’d be aware,” she all but snapped, clearly trying to contain her anger. 

Alex could tell, because he was trying to do the same. Both were doing that a lot, lately. Every dialogue between them was never more than one or two poorly chosen words away from erupting into a fight. It was a never-ending walk across a high wire. “How about a change for once,” he suggested, fed up with this perpetual undercurrent of unresolved tension, “let’s actually talk about this. Tell me why you’re so fucking mad at Miles that you can’t stand the thought of him and I being friends! It never bothered you before.”

“You’ve never kissed before.”

And there it was. His entire body tensed up. They were back to that, apparently. Alex groaned as he drove his fingers through his hair. “I thought we were over that.” 

_That_. The stupid, bloody kiss. The one that kept haunting his dreams more often than it should. The one that was the reason why he now locked the door to his recording studio, lyrics and notes inside. “We discussed this, Taylor. It was one silly kiss, two years ago. It meant nothing. We were drunk. That’s all.”

“I would appreciate it if you stopped calling that fucking kiss ‘silly’.” Taylor crossed her arms, staring at him angrily, reminding him, “you wrote a fucking song about that kiss!” 

What a big mistake that had been, thought Alex resentfully. But, as always, he hadn’t been able to help himself. That damned kiss occupied so much bloody space in his head that he had needed to literally write it out of there. 

_‘And in response to what you whispered in my ear, I must admit sometimes I fantasise about you, too’ _

In its original form, the song had included a bit about a kiss. Last year, as he had been sitting at the piano, trying to find the right arrangement, she’d sat down next to him, had leaned in, and had asked, “what did I whisper?”

And he, dumb idiot that he was at times, had been so lost in his thoughts that he had promptly replied, “not you. Him.” After that, his life, complicated though it was already, had become considerably less comfortable. For the rest of the day, she had continued asking question after question, relentlessly pushing for explanations that he couldn’t give. He had only been able to take so much and after four long hours of artfully avoiding giving any sort of actual answer, he had snapped and blurted out, “Miles kissed me and, yes, I fucking liked it!” 

He guessed he should be grateful she was still with him. After all, Hannah had broken up with Miles over the whole thing. Sure, he’d told Taylor that wasn’t the reason. But who was he kidding? They all knew it was the very reason. Maybe not the only one. But it was the deciding one. 

Taylor took a step towards him, kissed his head and tilted his chin up with one finger. “Alex, I love you. And I know you love me. But maybe you need some distance from Miles? He’s busy right now, anyways. And you’re about to go on tour as well. Let’s take a vacation together. Let’s see a bit of the world. You’ve always wanted to go to India. We could do that before you’re off with the band?”

Oh, he wanted to go to India, alright. He had read much about that country. About the culture. About everything, really. And he couldn’t wait to see it with his own eyes. But it wasn’t Taylor he wanted standing next to him when he got there. Not that he could tell her that. “Babe, the timing isn’t right. Not now.”

“But you agree about needing some distance from Miles?”

“No. I barely see him as it is and once touring starts, we’ll see even less of each other. He is a very big, very important part of my life.”

“Yes,” she muttered in resignation. “And we’ve got the lyrics to prove that, don’t we?”

“I hate when you do that!”

“You do?”

She was pissing him off and he was beginning to think she was doing it on purpose. Which, in return, riled him up more and more. “You told me you made out with some girl backstage while Miles and I were playing in New York. I really don’t think you should be sitting on such a fucking high horse right now!”

“We were fucking joking around, it didn’t mean anything,” she all but yelled. “I didn’t write a fucking love song about her!”

“It’s not a love song!” As she glowered at him, he began pacing the kitchen angrily. “A love song is what I wrote for you, Tennessee, remember?”

Taylor slumped back against a wall, deflated and tired. “You want to know the difference between my song and his song? My song is everything a good love song should be. It’s passionate, it’s sexy, it’s got the rights words to it. It’s perfect. And it’s perfect because you’re Alex Fucking Turner and when you decided to write me a love song, naturally, you wrote the perfect song with the perfect words and the perfect arrangement and you wrote it so that everyone knows how fucking good of a songwriter you are!”

“Is that a compliment or a bloody insult?” He asked indignantly.

“Mine is the romantic tale that you want the world to know. His is the deepest truth that you desperately try to keep a secret.” A bitter laugh broke free from her lips. “Tell me, Mr. Songwriter Extraordinaire, which song would you like to have written about you?” 

Alex didn’t answer. He wasn’t entirely sure she wanted an answer. He wasn’t entirely sure he was ready to make up his answer. And, also, he wasn’t entirely sure that, at this point, an answer would make any kind of difference. 

“Out of words. Imagine that,” said Taylor and left the kitchen.


	6. Sleepless

He hated them. He hated them all, thought Alex, a bit bitterly, as he sat in the far back of the Monkeys’ tour bus, strumming aimlessly away on his acoustic. He hated their ability to sleep, hated that they were able to turn off their minds and relax and reboot, while he was stuck in his head, unable to find the off-switch. The strumming turned angrier. He actually liked the melody that was beginning to form but he couldn’t even turn it into a fucking song because his mind was so bloody out of it that he didn’t know whether he was playing original content or covering something he’d once heard! One last harsh strum and he turned the guitar away. It was senseless at any rate. No good thing would come out of it tonight. 

Not when he all of his attention had decided to go for a walk and got lost in the tall grasses of untrimmed sorrow and bleak regret. Fucking Miles and his fucking kiss! Two years! That’s how much time had passed since his best friend had decided to follow his curiosity and where did it lead them? Straight into the abyss! And it wasn’t even the nice kind of abyss, where everything was dark and quiet and ruthlessly hollow. No, Miles never did anything half-assed and when he’d steered them off the cliff, he’d aimed for the large hole of relentless chaos and rancorous self-doubt. 

His tired head rolled backwards and he drove his hands through his hair, desperate for sleep, yet overwhelmingly afraid of it. It had all gotten that much worse since Taylor had left him. When she had still been around, she would distract him. Even her worst attributes became his favorite abstraction. He could wrap his twisted mind around her sorrows and wring them out for inspiration and preoccupation. But he’d known he was a selfish prick and, before long, she’d been so fed up with him that she’d completely fallen out of love with him. 

When she’d told him just that, he’d sat down, fully prepared for the soul-crushing pain of a broken heart. But nothing had happened. He’d just sat there, waiting for the emotion. He’d have settled for any sort of emotion, really! None came. Just emptiness. Then boredom. A bit of physical pain, also. She’d slapped him when he told her to close the door on her way out. Well, he was a grade-A asshole when he wanted to be. He knew that. And he did feel bad. He might be a cold, dried-up, emotionless freak, but she wasn’t and some day he was going to apologize to her. But not yet. Not, when he was still pissed off at her for pointing out the obvious, which was that Miles and he had some very big, very unresolved feelings for one another. 

Like he didn’t know! Like he hadn’t known for years! Like he hadn’t known from the very fucking beginning! But they had lived so bloody comfortably in their sheltered bubble. They’d gotten quite homey in it! It was nicely decorated, too.

Every other friend in his life could be put in a box. Bandmate. Friend. Acquaintance. Family member. Some fit into several boxes and that was fine, too. Alex liked his life organized and easy. Except with Miles. With Miles, Alex could be free. He could just do and act and misbehave and get lost and detach and reassess and mess up and still be himself. With Miles, there were no lines to cross because they had never drawn any lines. There had never been any need for it. From the very beginning, they had just understood each other. And even when they did venture into uncharted territory, they mapped it out together and adapted to the new land. They never regretted taking leaps and always delighted in new experiences for they offered endless inspiration for their music. 

Somewhere along the way they had gotten complacent and arrogant. They had, or at least he had begun to believe they were invincible. He’d become reckless, so had Miles. And recklessness was an addictive drug to be on. They had run past every warning sign, past every stoplight, straight into a savage pit. And it had all started out so innocently.

_2006_

_“Miles, where are you?” Alex was restlessly hurrying through the endless corridors of the concert hall. The Monkeys had just finished playing their set and mid-song he’d gotten an idea for a lyric. But it wasn’t one that would fit any kind of Monkeys-song. However, it would fit ideally into a song he’d begun writing with Miles a few weeks ago. And now he needed him to polish it off, to insert the words into their proper spot within the song. “Miles fucking Kane,” called Alex through the hallway, “where are you hiding?”_

_“Bloody hell, Alex,” shot a voice from behind him. Alex spun around. “What’s going on? I’m a little busy at the moment.” Behind Miles, a slender blonde appeared, rearranging her skirt. Alex could see her reaching for Miles’ hand and his friend wrapped his fingers around hers. _

_Alex pulled his eyes away from their hands, briefly acknowledged that Miles’ shirt was undone, and took a few steps back, even though he was in no way standing close to them. “Sorry, didn’t know.” Something about the sight irritated him, threw him for a loop. “I, uh, will find you later.” He stumbled over his own words. “Continue. Carry on. Go back inside.” He turned around, embarrassed at his own ramblings, and walked away, back towards the band’s dressing room. _

_Lucky for him, no one else was there. Grabbing the guitar, he took a seat on the sofa and played bits and pieces of the song he wanted to finish with Miles. Now he had to do it by himself. Not that he couldn’t do it by himself. But there was a certain joy in doing it with him, instead of alone. He felt a rush whenever a word or a lyric fell into its perfect place and it was nice to be able to share that excitement with someone who could relate so well. _

_The door opened. Nobody had knocked, so Alex knew it could only be one of the band-members. “You busy?” Or Miles. _

_“What are you doing here? What about the dove?”_

_“We’ll meet up later,” said Miles as he sat down next to Alex. _

_It was a large sofa, with plenty of space, but Miles sat right next to Alex. So close, in fact, that Alex had to readjust the guitar to make room for him. But he didn’t mind. He preferred Miles close, rather than far away. He made him feel at ease. Something about his nearness had a calming effect on him. “I hope you didn’t leave her waiting around for you just to find me. It really wasn’t that important, anyway.” He didn’t meet Miles’ eyes. _

_“It was. You wouldn’t have looked for me otherwise,” countered Miles with a smile. “I know you, Al. So tell me, what was it?”_

_“Just a lyric I wanted to share.” Alex placed the guitar away. “I mean it, Miles. You don’t have to stop doing what you’re doing just to accommodate me. I’m a big boy. I can do well by myself.”_

_“I’m not accommodating you,” disagreed Miles as he took over Alex’s guitar and started strumming their song’s tune. “What makes you think I don’t want to know what’s going on in your head? You don’t often get excited, you know? When you scream my name in some hallway, it means something. No girl will ever make me not want to know.” He gave Alex a playful nudge with his shoulder, then grinned. “Now tell me about the lyric!”_

_And Alex did. For the next hour, both of them sung and strummed the same part of the song over and over again until both were satisfied with the new addition. Neither one mentioned how they’d ended up sitting so close that their upper arms were pressed against one another the entire time. When they were done, Miles seemed to have forgotten about his date as he suggested going for dinner to some local restaurant that had just opened not far from the concert hall. Alex remembered the girl and Miles’ initial plans. But, selfish prick that he knew he could be at times, he didn’t say anything, linked his arm with that of his friend and led them towards the exit. “Dinner is on me, my friend. Let’s celebrate another finished song!”_

_“Why, thank you very much.” Miles closed the door behind them. “I’ll invite you for drinks, then. Afterwards. Oh, by the way, who is the one always ending her messages with an x? Do I know her?” He chuckled. “‘Cause I just realized I do the same!” _

_“Oh, uh…you don’t know her.”_

Present Day

Alex took a look around the tiny room in the back of the bus. It reminded him of the one he’d shared with Miles during the Shadow Puppets tour. Only he hadn’t spent so much time in the back part of it. He had been more social, then. He had spent more time in the front, with the band, with the roadies, with Miles. Miles had always been the one who loved crowds and thrived in company. He still remembered the first time Miles had dragged him out of the bus after some show to take a stroll through the cluster of fans that had gathered in the parking lot.

“You’ll love it,” he had said as he had tugged him out, all the while holding his hand and squeezing it, because he’d known Alex was easily overwhelmed when surrounded by too many strangers. But it had been nice. Alex had seen the joy in their fans’ eyes. And he’d eased up. Before he knew it, he’d found Miles’ hand gone. Miles had been standing a few feet away, singing the first notes of one of their most popular songs.

He smiled at that memory. Miles was always singing. At times, even in his sleep. It was contagious, too, his undying energy, his vibrant joy, his love for music. Alex wouldn’t be the writer and singer he was today without Miles, he knew that for certain. In part because, in the beginning, he’d always tried to impress Miles with his songs. He’d always wanted to catch his attention. He’d never quite succeeded in turning him into his fan. On some days he still tried.

“You’re still up?” Jamie perched his head through the door, then walked in, and sat down across from Alex. Miles would have sat down next to him. What an odd thought to have, reflected Alex. “Why won’t you go to sleep?”

“Not tired.” What a big lie.

And Jamie knew. “Liar. You’re up every night, hiding in here. You barely get any sleep anymore. That’s not a life, Alex. We’re worried about you. The tour ahead of us is long. You know that.”

“Have I failed you yet?” Anger was rising inside of him. He wanted to sleep. He’d give everything to be able to sleep. But the second he closed his eyes, images of Miles filled his head. Vivid, entirely inappropriate images of Miles, memories of Alex walking in on Miles while he wore nothing but a towel or memories of Miles and him working out together, bodies covered in sweat. All of it left Alex feeling dirty and ashamed, for his friend had trusted him when he’d allowed him to see him like that and now, Alex was turning those memories of a fierce friendship into the filthiest of porn! “Just leave me be, Jaime. I’m okay, I promise. I’m just…confused, if you must know. But it’ll pass.” Dear God, he hoped it would!

“Katie can talk to Taylor, if you want another chance. I don’t know what happened, but are you sure you can’t fix it?”

“There’s nothing to fix, Jamie.”

His friend kept pressing. “Really? Your longest relationship, Al. And you won’t even try? You got her bloody name inked on your arm!”

_2015_

_“Matching tattoos?” Miles scrunched his nose as he curled his arm around Alex’s shoulders, pulling him closer towards him. They were in the midst of a raucous crowd, watching some indie band in a tiny but overcrowded club. _

_Alex wrapped his arm around Miles’ waist, leaning up against him, mouth close to his ear. “I know, it’s a big step. I told her I wasn’t sure if we should really take it that far. I mean, you can always laser it away, but still. A tattoo…would you ever do it?”_

_“Hannah’s name?” Alex heard the hesitation in Miles’ voice. “No. I don’t know. I don’t think so. I’d get your name,” he laughed. “I know you’ll stick around forever!”_

_“Oh yeah?” chuckled Alex. “You sound awfully sure of that. What if I find a better mate one day?” His lips were continually brushing Miles’ ear and Alex had to swallow a few times, to keep his mouth from drying up. Weird, he thought. That never happened before. _

_Miles laughed heartily and pulled Alex even closer. “A better mate than me? Impossible. Who would ever accept your smelly feet like I do? Who would ever be okay with you constantly vacuuming tour busses and who could possibly get over the fact that you need an entire year to ponder the perfect birthday present, only to buy a gift certificate in the end?”_

_“I’ll remind you,” objected Alex, albeit grinning, “that you loved the gift certificate! I still smell the soap on you even though it’s almost been a year! I love walking barefoot, hence the vacuuming.” Really, there was nothing worse than crumbs underneath one’s feet! “And I know for a fact that I don’t have smelly feet. Otherwise you wouldn’t have given me a foot rub!” _

_“Stupid bet,” said Miles. _

_“I told you watching Romeo And Juliet does not equal reading the book!” _

_“I learned my lesson,” admitted Miles. And laughed again. “Oooh, listen to this bit. The lyrics are insane!”_

_Alex loved it whenever Miles made him see and hear new bands. He was in constant need for inspiration and nothing did more for his mind that listening to others being wittier, smarter or punchier. So he listened, squeezed tightly against Miles’ side, while fighting the urge to shift even closer. Any closer and he’d wind up pressed up against Miles’ front, hugged whole, and that was just not an option. _

_“Aren’t they awesome?” shouted Miles over the thunderous applause of the audience. _

_“They are,” nodded Alex. His mouth was dry, again. He let his hand wander from his friend’s back, across his arm, until it found Miles’ fingers. Alex laced their hands. He was grateful for the loud crowd, otherwise everyone might hear the deafening drums of his heart. What was he doing? Why was he so needy for contact tonight? Since when looked Miles so good in his leather jacket?_

_Miles allowed Alex to drag him to the bar. “Two beer,” he ordered, then handed one to Alex. “You alright? You seem tense?”_

_“Yeah, fine. Just…me and crowds. Don’t worry.”_

_“We can leave!” _

_“No, no! It’s good.” The selfish part in him reared its ugly head. He scooted closer towards his friend. “Just stay close, okay?”_

_Miles wrapped both arms around Alex from behind, then gave his cheek a quick peck. “Close enough? Any closer and you might have another reason to get my name tattooed on your butt!”_

_Alex blushed. He couldn’t believe it. One blue joke from Miles and here he was, blushing like a bloody school girl face to face with her first crush! As he took a large swig from his beer, he could feel Miles chuckling against his cheek, the stubble scratching against his skin doing wicked things to his entire body. _

_“No comeback? Cat got your tongue,” joked Miles. _

_“Just thirsty,” muttered Alex._

_Miles smirked. Alex felt it. He also felt as though he was a running a fever! “I bet, babe!”_

_“Bugger off, will you?” He said it harsher than he meant and to make sure Miles wouldn’t take it the wrong way, he let his head roll back against Miles’ shoulder, his nose nuzzling his friend’s neck just the briefest, most torturous moment. “Sorry. Tired, I guess. ‘Nother beer?”_

_“Always,” said Miles and smiled, not offended at all. _

_Alex immediately relaxed against him. “I’m weird, lately. Aren’t I? I didn’t mean to snap at you.”_

_“Snap at me all you want,” Miles said reassuringly. “As long as you let me hug you while you do it, I know we’re good.” _

_“I love you, Mi. I mean that.”_

_“Same, babe!”_

Present Day

“Can you keep a secret,” asked Alex as he met Jamie’s eyes. His friend nodded. “I never wanted that tattoo.”

Jamie was obviously confused. “Why’d you get it then?”

“The evening before I got it, I was out with somebody else and…” Alex swallowed hard. “I got it to prove something to myself. But it didn’t work. I tried to fool myself and I failed. And I’ve yet to get rid of it because it reminds me how completely stupid I can be.”

Jamie reached across the table and gave Alex’s hand a quick, reassuring squeeze. “Hey, you don’t need some ink for that. I’ll be happy to remind you of it every day for the rest of our lives!”

For the first time that day, Alex genuinely laughed. “Thanks, Jamie!”

“Go to bed, Alex. It’s late.”

To his own surprise, Alex got up and followed Jamie towards the bunks.

“Hey,” whispered his friend, “out of curiosity. That woman you were with that one night? Is she still around? Do I know her? Maybe you should give her a call! Maybe it was a missed opportunity?”

_A missed opportunity. _

Alex bit his tongue. Why, thanks, Jamie! Just as his thoughts were dissolving to give him just the barest breath for a bit of sleep, his bandmate had to toss one out like that! Alex sighed deeply. “Tell you what, I don’t think she’d answer my call at the moment. She’d be extremely pissed if I called her right now.”

Besides, he’d be seeing Miles tomorrow anyway. He was opening for them at their gig, Alex just now remembered. So much for sleeping…


	7. Endings

_2016_

_Miles sat on a bench outside some fancy restaurant with a tongue-twisting french name that Alex had picked for the occasion. It was his birthday. They were in the last stages of preparing for their Shadow Puppets tour and every day was filled with rehearsals, interviews, photo shoots or some other thing that stretched both his and Alex’s nerves to the snapping point._

_He was deeply appreciative of Alex’s effort to make this night memorable. His friend had a heart of gold and if ever there was the occasion for an effort, one could always count on Alex to step up and make it. But, even though Miles would never admit it to Alex, he would have preferred to spend the evening at home, on the couch, with Alex. Relaxing. It was a strange wish for him. Usually, it was him who loved large gatherings and parties of all kinds. Tonight, though, he would have liked a respite._

_Taking another long pull from his cigarette, Miles gazed upwards and swallowed a yawn._

“_Exhausted, huh?”_

_A smile appeared on his face. “That obvious?” He met Alex’s eyes. “I love the party. Thank you so much, babe. A wonderful gift.”_

“_Gift? This party isn’t your gift, my friend. Just a little demonstration of my appreciation of you.” Alex sat down next to him and rested his forehead against Miles’ temple.“I haven’t been very easy to be around, lately. I know I can be a nuisance before tour. And,” he admitted cheekily, “I’ll be even worse on tour. So better think of his night as my attempt to preemptively make up for a lot of shit that I’ll do or say down the road.”_

_Miles chuckled as he wrapped an arm around Alex’s shoulders. Having him this close was dangerous. It made him long for him in a way he knew was entirely inappropriate. They were friends. He ought to remember that. He ought to ignore the warmth that Alex spread in him. He ought to fight the urge to always touch him. But it was getting harder and harder with each day. If only Alex would object to any of it! The fact that he didn’t made Miles feel that much worse. His friend trusted him completely, sought him out for comfort, and here he was, shamelessly using that trust, that literal physical connection, to satisfy his festering curiosity and his unsavory needs. “Don’t worry. You have nothing to apologize for,” he said, stricken by his own guilt. _

_Miles felt the heat from the point where Alex’s head touched; he felt it slowly sprawling through his body. It was almost overwhelming. So far into the night, long past the point of being sober, his better judgment was step by step shutting down operations and all that remained was his own free will. And boy, that free will had a wild mind of his own. Miles squeezed his eyes shut, fighting for control. Maybe a change of topic would help? “If this isn’t my gift, then what is it? Is it the gift basket with the purple loofah I saw in the backroom?” It was a hard task to not whisper. They were so close. It was so very tempting to hush the words into Alex’s ear, maybe brush his lips against his skin. Just a little taste. Just for a half a second._

_No, shouted the little bit of self-control he had left in him. Get a grip, man! _

“_Would you like a loofah?” Alex laughed softly. A torturous act. His small puffs of air felt like canon fire against his fast-crumbling walls of defense. “It’s your birthday,” whispered his friend, making the walls tumble faster, “I’ll get you anything you want.”_

_Oh God. A shiver went down Miles’ spine. _

_Alex leaned back just the tiniest bit. “Are you cold? Shall we go inside?”_

_The loss of contact made Miles regain the smallest fraction of control. “No. Not yet. I like the quiet night.” _

_Alex sat back, shrugged out of his blazer and placed it over Miles’ back. “I wouldn’t want you to catch a cold on your birthday. What kind of friend would that make me, huh?” A chuckle slipped past his lips. His forehead returned to its spot against Miles’ temple. _

_There was still that obstinate bit of lust that seemed to materialize every time Alex stepped into the scenes of Miles’ life, but Alex’s kind gesture completely distracted him from noticing. Instead, all his focus lay on his friend’s arms, on his goosebumps, his tiny little hairs as they stood upwards. Alex was freezing, deliberately. Miles quickly took the jacket from his back, wrapped an arm around Alex to pull him closer, then placed the jacket around both their shoulders. “This is bloody ridiculous!” His arm remained around the back, his hand rubbing up and down to spread warmth. “Don’t do that, Al! Don’t put my needs above yours. You’re shivering now!”_

“_Trust me, I’m not freezing,” reassured Alex._

_But Miles wasn’t convinced. Not when he saw evidence to the contrary. “I can see that you are. And why are you wearing a short sleeved shirt tonight? It’s too bloody cold for that!”_

_Alex laughed. “Are you seriously telling me to dress according to the weather? Let’s recall last year’s summer party at Matt’s! It was scorching hot outside and who showed up wearing a black leather jacket?” He gave him a pointed look._

_Miles grinned. “It was a new jacket. I didn’t have the patience to wait for fall to come around.” His eyes still lingered on Alex’s arms when he spotted the tattoo. It didn’t look new. But, then again, it had been a while since he’d seen his friend in short sleeves. “Oh Alexander, what have you done?”_

“_Alexander?” Alex blinked confused. “Have you ever called me that? And what are you talking about, Mister Miles Peter Kane?”_

_Miles motioned towards the tattoo. “She put her trademark on you?”_

_Alex looked down at his arm. He rolled his eyes and shrugged. “Happened a while ago.” Then he placed his hand on top of it, self-consciously. “Told you, it can always be removed later. For now it’ll make her happy.”_

“_What about what makes you happy,” wondered Miles, worried about his friend. He was in the habit of trying to make those around him happy, but he often forgot about himself. “Are you happy with her?”_

“_As happy as I can be,” said Alex. _

_It wasn’t the answer he had hoped for. He heard the self-loathing that his friend was prone to at times, heard the doubt and the way he was settling instead of aiming for more. “I hope one day you’ll find somebody who completely, utterly knocks your socks off. I’d like to see you smile at some woman the way you smile at me sometimes.”_

“_What do you mean?” Asked Alex, a bit of confusion in his voice._

_Miles pecked his friend’s forehead, then got up and held out his hand for him. Alex took it. “Wholly. When you smile at me, you don’t hide yourself. I can see right into your soul. When you smile at them, you always have your guard up. Even now, even with Taylor.”_

“_That’s because I trust you. You won’t ever hurt me. I don’t need to be guarded around you. Besides, do you let Hannah see the full you?”_

_Miles hesitated, then shook his head. They were still holding hands, fingers entwined. “Maybe I should follow my own advice,” he said, half-joking. His gaze landed on their hands. He didn’t let go, just squeezed a bit tighter. “Come on, I’m ready for my cake now!”_

_He turned around, pulled Alex with him and delighted when he felt his friend wrap his arms around him from behind. Tonight was his birthday. Tonight, he decided, he wouldn’t care for the appropriate amount of proximity or personal space or anything that could put a damper on his mood. Tonight, he’d party. As they made their way back towards the large table, he saw that people had gathered around it and were awaiting him._

_Alex let go of him, took a seat on Miles’ chair and patted his lap, flashing a giant smile. “Sit here! You’re gonna love this cake. I ordered it myself and told them how to decorate it!”_

_Miles grinned at Alex, who sounded so proud of himself for having managed that. As he sat down on Alex’s lap, Miles relaxed and got comfortable. For tonight, he wouldn’t worry about blurry lines and or the risks of letting go. It was his party and he’d enjoy every last moment of it. _

Present Day

“What do you mean, you shaved his hair off? I haven’t seen him all day. I think he’s avoiding me or something.” Miles took a sip from his water bottle. He’d just finished his sound-check for the night and sat on the edge of the stage, next to Matt. “All of it? Is he bald now?”

Matt shook his head. “A bit of it is left. He didn’t go full Britney. I’m worried about him, Miles. For you and me a shave is just a haircut. But you know him. Stuff always means something with him. Especially now, with her around.”

“Who?” asked Miles, trying to catch up with everything Matt was telling him. Then his words sank in. A queasy feeling overcame him. Her. “What her?”

“Man, don’t you guys talk anymore? Her? The one who won’t leave his side? Louise?” Matt shook his head. “Weird one, that. I can’t warm up to her. She’s all artsy and French.”

Miles couldn’t believe it. “He’s got a new one already?” Suddenly he felt awful. He’d spent so much time being busy with his own life that, lately, he’d neglected to look out for Alex. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to look out for him. But he felt responsible for his break-up. The long-lingering aftershocks of their fateful kiss had yet to die down, apparently. If he hadn’t kissed Alex, his friend would still be with Taylor. And while, initially, he’d been wary of her, she had been a good and steadying influence on his best friend. She’d anchored him. She’d allowed him room to breathe while offering a place to return to. “Doesn’t she know he just split up with someone?”

“She knows. She’s a groupie. She knows a lot about him. About all of us. Like I said, weird one.” Matt nudge Miles’ shoulder. “There she is,” he said, motioning for the slim woman entering the side of the stage. Trailing not far behind was Alex.

The sight almost broke Miles’ heart. Alex looked miserable. And Miles blamed most of that on that ridiculous haircut! Jumping up and hurrying over, he wrapped his friend up in a tight hug and squeezed him until he felt Alex pushing back. “How are you, babe?” Letting go just enough to be able to closely inspect him, Miles brushed a hand along the side of his head tenderly.

Alex flinched.

And now Miles’ heart broke for real. He stared at Alex in shock. A decade of friendship, fights, tears, sorrow, joy, happiness, excitement, even a few wayward moments of unwelcome arousal, but never once had Alex flinched at Miles’ touch. Words deserted him. And he saw in Alex’s eyes that his friend understood precisely what was going on.

“Louise,” said Louise, introducing herself. She stepped between Miles and Alex, forcing them further apart. “So nice to finally meet you. Alexander has told me so much about you,” she let him know, holding out her hand for him to shake. “You mean a lot to him, obviously.”

He was too perplexed by Alex’s behavior to properly acknowledge her. He barely managed to shake her hand. “Miles,” said Miles. “Well, Alex hasn’t mentioned you once, so…”

“Miles,” admonished Alex and Miles realized it was the first word he’d spoken to him.

His confused state, his wounded heart and Alex’s offsetting behavior put Miles in a sour mood. He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to grab Alex, push him into an empty room and demand some bloody answers. But he couldn’t do it. He was pressed for time, they were surrounded by people who were all paying rapt attention to their tense stand-off and, worst of it all, he could tell from the look in Alex’s eyes that his friend wanted to be anywhere but in an empty room with him.

So he settled for a deep, loud sigh, hoping the sound would express all of his emotions at once and with more effect than any words could. Then he turned around, grabbed his water bottle and hopped off the stage. “Find me when you’re ready.” He didn’t bother addressing Alex. It was clear for whom that message was intended. Then he headed for the exit.

“Fucking shit, Miles,” Alex shot as he stormed into Miles’ dressing room after the gig. The Monkeys had finished half an hour ago, the rest of Miles’ band had long left the building and, thank God, thought Miles, as he watched his friend slam the door shut, Louise was not with him!

That was the good news. The bad news was that his mood had yet to rise to calmer levels. If anything, the fact that Alex appeared to be mad at him made it sink even lower. “Fucking what, Al?” He didn’t get up from the couch, just leaned back, surly, daring him to take offense.

Alex took a few steadying breaths, stayed silent, and leaned back against the door.

Miles eyed him expectingly. “Well? Would you like to explain any of it?”

“Explain what?”

“Your fucking haircut, for a start! Or the fact that you have a groupie as a girlfriend! And when you’re done with that and have warmed up, let’s get to the good stuff ‘cause I’d really fucking like to know why you flinched when I touched you! That one hurt, Alex.”

Alex closed his eyes, letting his head roll back. “You know, there are times when I really don’t like the way my name sounds when you say it.” He opened his eyes again, met Miles’. “Two people in the world can ruin my day just by saying my name a certain way. My mum, obviously. And you. When I hear you say it like that, that’s when I know I screwed up real good and a simple apology won’t fix it.” He walked over to the couch and sat down. Not next to Miles. On the far end of it.

It was another dagger through Miles’ heart. “I would settle for an explanation.”

“My hair,” began Alex, playing around with some spare guitar strings on the coffee table in front of him, “it annoyed me. So I got rid of it. It’ll grow back.” A pause. “I won’t discuss Louise with you. We never judged each other for our girlfriends. Let’s not start now. Accept her or not, I don’t care. But she’ll be around for a while.”

“You flinched, Alex!” Really, it was the only thing he really wanted an explanation for. He didn’t give a fig about the hair, and even less about the girl.

And it was the one thing Alex didn’t explain. “I didn’t mean to. And that’s the truth, if ever there was one.”

For a while they sat in silence. “Last time we spoke, we spoke for none more than five minutes,” pointed Miles out. His words were interlaced with equal parts bewilderment and sadness. “Before that, we spoke not much longer. When we meet, there are always people around us. We don’t hang out alone anymore.” His eyes searched Alex’s. He waited for his friend to meet his gaze. He didn’t blame Alex for any of it. It was just as much his own fault. After the kiss they had allowed things to get awkward. But in retrospect, there were moments long before their lips met, when he should have stopped and paid more attention. “Is this what the end of a relationship feels like? Have I steered us on this course? Or were we headed here long before Paris?”

Alex spoke in a quiet, solemn manner. “You mean, are all relationships destined for an ending?”

“Think about it, Al. Did we really believe we were bulletproof?”

“Are you genuinely asking for my opinion, or are you breaking up with me? It seems to me you’ve made up your mind already and consider us no longer redeemable,” he said accusingly. “Why now?”

“Because you fucking flinched!” Bursted Miles.

“I cannot explain it to you, Miles! Why are you bloody stuck on that part? So we’ve reached a rough spot in our friendship. Don’t all friendships experience that at some point?”

“A rough spot in our friendship was you accusing me of having feelings for Alexa! This isn’t a rough spot, Alex! I’m stuck on the flinching because the look in your eyes told me my touch disgusted you and you won’t tell me why. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that expression.” The lack of empathy or regret on Alex’s face made it unbearable for Miles to look at him any longer. “I don’t know how to be your friend at the moment,” he admitted, deeply troubled, “because I’m not sure you want me to be your friend at the moment.”

Alex stood up abruptly, turned away from Miles. “One minute of interaction today and that’s enough for you to make that kind of statement? You’re a bloody coward for saying that!” He stormed out of the room the same way he’d stormed into it – by slamming the door shut.

Miles got up, walked over to the minibar in the room and grabbed a few small bottles of Vodka. One he drowned in one gulp. The next one he looked at, in a mixture of vile disgust and fierce anger – pretty much how he felt about himself at the moment – and he threw the bottle against the wall in a moment of furious ire, watching as the broken glass and the liquor met in a mess on the floor. The remaining bottles he took with him to the couch. “Fucked up ending for a fucked up day,” he said into the empty space.


	8. Drowning

_2016_

_Alex found him sitting on a bench outside the restaurant, smoking, stifling a yawn and doing a shitty job of it. It made him chuckle. “Exhausted, huh?”_

_Miles smiled up at him. “That obvious, huh? I love the party. Thank you so much, babe. A wonderful gift.”_

_“Gift?” Alex shook his head the tiniest bit as he sat down next to him. “This party isn’t your gift, my friend. Just a little demonstration of my appreciation of you.” What an awful idea to sit down next to him, thought Alex, when Miles looked all soft and tired. Defenseless. He couldn’t stop himself from leaning in, from seeking contact. He placed his forehead against Miles’ temple, waiting, consistently, for him to take offense, to say something, to push him away, but as always, Miles never did. And so, the bit of hesitation he had about recklessly invading Miles’ personal space melted away in the soft glow of his friend’s welcoming gaze. Alex relaxed against his friend. “I haven’t been very easy to be around, lately. I know I can be a nuisance before tour.” The part about music he loved was creating it. The part he hated was to play it repeatedly until it lost all of its charm. “And, I’ll be even worse on tour. So better think of this night as my attempt to preemptively make up for a lot of shit that I’ll do or say down the road.”_

_Miles chuckled and Alex liked that his friend took his very honest warning with humor. The other Monkeys, at times, got annoyed when he slipped into one of his moods. Not Miles. Miles was the one who had a talent for pulling him out of those. He liked even more that Miles was tugging him closer, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. There was a bit of possessiveness to it. Something that said, he’s my friend. And it gave Alex the strangest feeling of belonging._

_“Don’t worry,” said Miles, pulling him out of his thoughts, “you have nothing to apologize for. If this isn’t my gift, then what is it? Is it the gift basket with the purple loofah I saw in the backroom?”_

_Alex couldn’t help but laugh. “Would you like a loofah? It’s your birthday,” he whispered, because they were so very close and he liked whispering things to Miles so very much. “It’s your birthday. I’ll get you anything you want.” As he said it, his mind headed down a very dangerous direction of possible meanings and Alex had to break hard before his thoughts crossed a bridge that led too far._

_Miles shivered. It brought Alex back from his liquor-aided state of unwanted thoughts. “Are you cold? Shall we go inside?” He sat back to look at his friend._

_“No, not yet. I like the quiet night.”_

_He liked it, too, thought Alex. He shrugged out of his blazer and placed it over Miles’ back.“I wouldn’t want you to catch a cold on your birthday. What kind of friend would that make me, huh?” He didn’t need it anyway. So close to him, Alex was all but melting. It was rather ridiculous, to be honest. They had shared dressing rooms and locker rooms. He’d seen Miles in wet, clinging swim trunks! None of that had ever made him break out in sweat. But here he was, and a bit of embrace undid him entirely. And still, like a moth to the flame, he was drawn back to Miles’ heat, unable to resist. _

_Something bothered Miles, though. “This is bloody ridiculous,” he said, startling Alex. He took the jacket and wrapped it around the both of them – even worse, Miles began rubbing Alex’s back! Alex feared he might burn up any second! “Don’t do that, Al,” scolded Miles, “Don’t put my needs about yours. You’re shivering now!”_

_Shivering? Miles thought he was shivering because he was cold? Alex wanted to laugh out loud. Oh, if only he were cold! “Trust me,” he stated, “I’m not freezing!”_

_But Miles didn’t believe him, clearly. “I can see that you are! And why are you wearing a short sleeved shirt tonight? It’s too bloody cold for that!”_

_Now he was laughing, but for an entirely different reason. “Are you seriously telling me to dress according to the weather? Let’s recall last year’s summer party at Matt’s! It was scorching hot outside and who showed up wearing a black leather jacket?”_

_“It was a new jacket. I didn’t have the patience to wait for fall to come around.” His light-hearted tone vanished. “Oh Alexander, what have you done?”_

_Alexander? Alex was startled. How foolish his full name sounded when Miles said it. “Have you ever called me that? And what are you talking about, Mister Miles Peter Kane?” It was then that Alex noticed Miles staring at his tattoo._

_Oh. That._

_“She put her trademark on you?”_

_Alex covered her name with his hand. Not his proudest moment. “Happened a while ago,” he said dismissively. “Told you, it can always be removed later.” Which, he knew, was a stupid set of mind when agreeing to a tattoo, for it stood against the entire idea of it. But he’d never claimed not to be stupid, right? “For now it’ll make her happy.”_

_“What about what makes you happy? Are you happy with her?”_

_Was he? Such a loaded question at this late hour! Alex pondered it briefly. What was happiness anyway? “As happy as I can be,” he tried._

_He could tell it wasn’t the kind of answer Miles had hoped for. “I hope one day you’ll find somebody who completely, utterly knocks your socks off. I’d like to see you smile at some woman the way you smile at me sometimes,” expressed Miles._

_“What do you mean?”_

_Miles gave his forehead a kiss, and Alex was glad for the darkness for he feared he might be blushing. “Wholly,” said his friend as he held out his hand for him. Alex took it. “When you smile at me, you don’t hide yourself. I can see right into your soul. When you smile at them, you always have your guard up. Even now, even with Taylor.”_

_“That’s because I trust you,” told Alex. “You won’t ever hurt me. I don’t need to be guarded around you. Besides, do you let Hannah see the full you?” He knew for a fact that Miles kept big parts of himself from Hannah. It wasn’t right to not let your partner into your heart. But the selfish part of Alex couldn’t deny that he liked it, liked being Miles’ confidante. It made him feel special. _

_“Maybe,” said Miles, “I should follow my own advice.” He laced their hands and Alex watched their fingers entwine. There was a bit of tingling in his fingertips. And everywhere else, to be perfectly honest. “Come on, I’m ready for my cake now!”_

_Cake? Oh, birthday! Right! There was a party on the inside. Alex mentally shook his head at himself. All this talking and tingling was getting to him! It was time to enjoy, so he pushed all worries and thoughts aside and went with what his heart wanted to do. Which, at the moment, wanted to be closer to Miles. So he wrapped his arms around his friend, led him inside and back towards their table, where he took a seat in Miles’ chair and patted his lap. “Sit here…”_

Present Day

She wouldn’t stop talking. Sometimes she went on for hours on end, jumping back and forth between topics, never pausing or even checking whether or not he was still listening. She just talked. And he liked that. It was a bit like radio, but without commercial breaks or music. At the moment, he liked neither – commercial breaks had always been annoying and music offered room for thoughts. And thoughts were his downfall.

They led to daydreams.

Daydreams about Miles and him, alone, doing things. They all had a common theme. They began with long, deep conversations, a bit of music here and there, and longing gazes. Sometimes they were in a hotel room, sometimes in the middle of nowhere, maybe a lonely forest, or by a lake, sometimes they were at Alex’s place, sometimes at Miles’. That, he could handle. But that wasn’t how they ended. They ended with them covered in sweat, entwined, breathless and naked. And they fucking always left him unsatisfied in real life!

Those daydreams where driving him insane.

With her around, though, he was unable to drift away. She was like a never ending alarm clock, forever keeping his eyes open and his mind alert. She was precisely what he needed. And all she wanted in return was a bit of attention and the occasional sex. That, he could do. Real-life sex, at least, helped him get rid of some of the tension within his body. Even though it wasn’t quite as satisfying as the imaginary one.

But he couldn’t explain any of that to Miles.

Nor could he explain to him that, in his dreams, Miles would always play with his hair. He’d twist it around his fingers, pull it when they were in the throws of it, grab it when he wanted a kiss and caress it when it was time for gentleness. Alex had wanted it off, hoping cutting off those strands would remove those scenes in his daydreams as well. But it had been futile. If anything, the loss of his hair had made him long even more for Miles’ touch.

“'nother one,” mumbled Alex as he sat at the hotel’s bar, getting drunker by the minute. Miles’ words kept playing back on his mind.

_“You fucking flinched!”_

He hadn’t flinched. Oh no! He’d gotten bloody electrocuted!

Miles’ hug had been the proverbial glass of water after the longest, driest drought. Alex had felt so incredibly warm and happy in those few seconds that he’d been in his friend’s arms. They had been so welcoming and tight, so irresistible and so familiar. He had wanted to stay there and never leave. But he couldn’t, he had known, and it had been okay. He’d been prepared to let go, to make do with what little contact he’d gotten. However, Miles had leaned back, had looked at him with such startling, grave concern that, for a moment, Alex lost control of all the guards he’d so meticulously assembled around all parts of him. And when Miles’ hand had reached up and touched his head in that gentle, loving manner, flashes of his daydreams had mixed with memories of their friendship and all of it had flooded his head, igniting an electric fire of unprecedented magnitude, which had then blazed across his skin and scorched every last illusion that his feelings for Miles were a mere infatuation or just some wayward lust.

He was in love.

What Miles saw wasn’t disgust. It was complete and utter shock.

How to explain that, huh? How to explain to Miles that he had gotten it all wrong? How to explain that Alex wanted the opposite of less when he had no idea what more even looked like? How to explain to his best friend that he wanted him in the most un-platonic way imaginable? And how to survive the heartbreak when Miles would say no?

“Know what?” He waived towards the bartender and placed a couple of hundred pound bills on the bar. “Just leave the bloody bottle!” 

_2007_

_“A sea monster?” Alex giggled. “You’re bloody ridiculous, Miles. This little lake is barely big enough for a boat! Where’d you hear that story?”_

_Miles, who was lying in the grass next to Alex, gazed into the night sky. “From a local. It’s a bit of a legend,” he explained, matter-of-factly. “The monster hides at the very bottom of the lake and remains there unless it’s disturbed. It particularly dislikes young couples who are in love and come here to experiment and old folks who come here to fish.”_

_Alex turned to his side, watching Miles incredulously. He was trying to catch the telltale signs of lying or embellishing, but Miles kept his cool. He was stone-cold serious and not a flicker of amusement was hiding in his eyes. And it was a full moon tonight, so Alex could see into Miles’ eyes remarkably well! “Young couples who experiment? What an odd term to use.”_

_“Well,” said Miles, his eyes fixed firmly on the firmament, “he was a french local who couldn’t speak English. And my French is very rusty.”_

_“More like none-existent,” corrected Alex, grinning. “If he spoke French, how’d you understand any of what he said?”_

_Miles turned to Alex and flashed a wide smile. “I guessed! He might have been talking about the sewage system or politics. But it sure sounded like he was telling me about a sea-monster hiding in the world’s smallest lake!”_

_Loud laughter erupted from Alex. “You’re crazy!”_

_“But I got you laughing. Remember our bet from this morning? He who can make the other one laugh out loud first shall be freed from doing the dishes all week?” Miles gave him a smug look of victory. “I won.”_

_Alex laughed again. “Fair point. I concede and shall begin to rinse and scrub tomorrow.”_

_“And by the way,” said Miles, “I speak a little French. We’ve been in France for while now. I was able to brush up on my skills.”_

_“Oh yeah?” Alex rolled back on his back, as did Miles. “Comment allez-vous?”_

_Silence. More silence. Miles tried. “Red?”_

_Once again, Alex burst up laughing. “Oh this is gold! Are you blushing, then?”_

_“Fine, you got me! I suck at it!”_

_“I know. I like you anyway.”_

_“Aw, how generous!” Miles grabbed Alex’s hand and squeezed it playfully. “I like you, too. Even though you suck on the guitar.”_

_“Liar!” Alex pulled his hand free and sat up, hovering over Miles. A wicked grin lit his face. “Say I play the guitar better than you!”_

_Miles shook his head, smiling. “Never!”_

_“Say it,” pushed Alex. “Say I’m a guitar god!”_

_“You can’t even win at Guitar Hero!”_

_“Oh, that’s low! I was drunk!” His hands began to tickle Miles’ side._

_Miles curled in laughter. “So was I and I won anyway! Stop it,” he wheezed. “You know I’m very ticklish!”_

_“That’s the point! Call me guitar overlord!” He kept tickling Miles, who desperately tried to wiggle free. Alex was relentless, going for the win. “Come on, you know how to make me stop! Say it!”_

_Shaking in laughter, Miles tried to fight him. But Alex went for the kill, straddling him, attacking both of his sides, until Miles was breathless and, funny enough, red! “Say it,” said Alex, leaning down and staring right down into Miles’ eyes. “Say it!”_

_Then something strange happened. Both stopped laughing. Alex sat up, still straddling Miles, looking down to where their bodies met. He’d gotten hard. And so had Miles. Both looked at each other with slightly confused expressions. _

_“It might be time we return to our girlfriends,” suggested Alex, with a hint of embarrassment. A part of him was glad that Miles suffered from the same situation, therefor couldn’t hold it against him. But it was odd. It was the first time he’d gotten an erection from roughing around with a guy._

_“As soon as possible,” agreed Miles as Alex climbed off him. _

_Alex chuckled as he tilted his head to look at Miles, who had resumed gazing into the night’s sky. “You know, we are almost finished with the album and won’t be here much longer. And I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a while now. I realize, considering the circumstances, it might sound a bit weird right now, but, I truly enjoyed spending my summer in France with you.”_

_Miles reached for Alex’s hand once more, this time squeezing it genuinely. “Me too,” he said, not a trace of jest in his voice. “I had a blast with you.” Their eyes met once more._

_“Here’s some French for you: Je t'aime beaucoup, Miles Kane! And I mean that in the most best-friends way imaginable!”_

_Miles chuckled. “I’ll never pronounce that right!”_

Present Day

Alex could barely walk straight as he made his long overdue way towards the elevators. The hotel’s lobby was empty except for the single poor guy manning the night desk. The lights had been dimmed and the background music no longer played. Nothing but silence. Deafening silence.

Where was Louise when he needed her? Probably asleep in his room. Only a few more minutes and he’d be there, too. How were the odds that he would find sleep as well? Slim to none-existent, he presumed, judging by the current state of complete confusion. The doors to the elevator chimed open and he stepped into it, not looking up from the floor. Somebody else was hovering in the corner, facing the wall, holding onto to the hand rail for support.

“Mind pressing the button for the third floor,” said the guy in the corner. “I’ve been pressing it a few times but I always miss my floor. Bloody doors close too fast every time!”

Alex would have pushed the button. But it wasn’t just any guy asking. It was Miles. His Miles. And he was just as drunk, from the looks of it. “Mi?” The shortened version of his friend’s name slipped past his lips before he could stop himself.

Miles looked up, facing him. “Al?”

Gone were the accusing tones of their earlier words. Gone were the expecting looks and the loaded questions. What remained was just mutual surprise to be meeting at this hour, in this place. Well, that, and a whole lot of regret for they had never once in the entirety of their friendship run out on one another during an argument.

Alex was the first to snap out of the surprise, made a beeline towards Miles and wrapped his arms around his neck, burying his face in the crook of it. “Sorry, Mi. So sorry for it all! Don’t wanna lose you!”

“Me neither,” whispered Miles, immediately and fiercely returning the hug. “T'is all so crazy!” 

“All the time,” agreed Alex, wishing desperately it wouldn’t be that way. Oh, how he wished they could go back to a time when life seemed simpler! He’d give everything to return to a time when he could hold Miles and not sniff his hair, as he was doing now. He’d give it all to be able to hold Miles and not notice how fit his friend’s body felt underneath all those clothes. How he’d love to go back to a time when his body followed his mind and not his heart. He rubbed his nose against Miles’ neck, unable to bloody help himself. He smelled so goddamn good!

Uncontrollable fingers dug into Miles’ jacket, clawing in, frightened that he might disappear at any second. Alex’s nose ventured on, to the spot below Miles’ earlobe, where he just knew he would be all sensitive and ticklish, because Miles was sensitive and ticklish almost everywhere. In the far back of his drunken mind he wondered why Miles wasn’t stopping him, why his friend was breathing harder, why he wasn’t shoving him away but instead pulling him closer. But he didn’t care for that at the moment. Not when his lips brushed against Miles’ earlobe and the sensation of it all rocked him so hard he had to cling to his best mate to not sink to the ground.

“Alex,” hushed Miles, again and again. “Alex. Alex…”

His name had never sounded more erotic. Alex almost keeled over when Miles pressed his lips against his jawbone, placing the most sensual of kisses against it. 

“What are we doing?” Asked Miles, breathlessly, almost inaudibly.

Alex nuzzled the spot where his jaw bone ended and his neck began, then dug his hand into Miles’ hair, tilting his head, rubbing their noses together. “Wanna kiss you just once,” he admitted, brutally honest and utterly lost in his hunger for him. “One kiss,” he kept whispering, “just one kiss,” and then he kissed Miles. He kissed him like he’d never kissed anyone in his life before, with reckless abandon, as though there was no tomorrow. He grabbed Miles’ head with both hands, angled it, plunged his tongue into his mouth and let his lust run unrestrained.

When it dawned on him that Miles was actually kissing him back, and not in a polite, conceding manner, but in an I-wanna-bloody-fuck-you-senseless manner, Alex nearly came in his pants. It all became a filthy, frantic moment of helpless groping, thundering hearts, foggy minds, and uncontrollable desire. And then the elevator chimed and the door opened and a small blueish lit number three indicated they had reached the third floor.

Alex and Miles separated after what felt like the first time in hours, staring at each other with puffy lips and darkened eyes. That kiss had done nothing to sate either one’s curiosity. It had awakened only more of it. Neither made any attempt to move. The doors chimed again, moving towards one another, closing, when Alex’s hand shot out to stop it all.

Miles had kissed him back. Miles wanted him. And to Alex’s drunk, blood-drained head that was all that mattered at the moment. He took a small step towards the elevator’s door, held out his hand for Miles and waited for his best friend to make the move. And after the worlds longest second of deliberation, Miles did. He didn’t grab Alex’s hand, he grabbed his head, dove in for a blistering kiss and steered them to what Alex could only hope was his room.

Somehow, without ever letting go of each other, Miles managed to unlock his door and Alex maneuvered them inside, giving the door a kick to slam it shut behind them. In all of his daydreams there had been a moment of hesitation, a moment of doubt wether or not they were doing the right thing, but reality was nothing like that. There was no pause, no pondering, just raw want and impatient need. Miles’ leather jacket was the first one to go, and somewhere in the far back of Alex’s mind he found it amusing how carelessly it was tossed to the floor when, every other time Miles had stripped out of it, he’d gone to great pains to straighten out the sleeves to prevent crinkles. Was it a testament to Miles’ ache for him? Alex liked the thought of that. He stripped out of his own jacket, tossing it away in the same careless manner, equally eager to be rid of it. He began to work on his shirt buttons when Miles started kissing his throat, no doubt leaving marks for everyone to see. It brought a smile to Alex’s lips and he grabbed Miles’ hair to demand more, to encourage him.

Miles ventured lower, past Alex’s Adam’s apple and paused at the small hollow, licking away the sweat that had built there. Alex all but collapsed against the wall behind him, moaning out loud, delighting when he felt Miles smile against his skin. His friend’s hands stroke up his chest, rubbing over his nipples, causing his heart to stutter. Then Miles grabbed the lapels of Alex’s shirt and tore them apart. 

After that everything became a blurry mix of dismissed leather belts, stripped pants, and the most obscene, carnal sounds of arousal the walls of this hotel had ever heard.

Taking the lead, Alex spun them around, pushed Miles up against the wall and dropped to his knees. His right hand flattened against Miles’ hard pecs, keeping him in place, while his left took a hold of what he took great pride in – Miles’ steel-hard erection. He’d made him this hard. He alone. It was startling how proud that made him feel. Alex stroke him once, twice, then licked his lips and hungrily worked his way up and down the cock, licking, sucking, getting used to the taste and texture, thrilled by the chocked sounds of pleasure his Miles was unable to contain. 

Miles’ hands grabbed Alex’ head, caressing, reassuring, no doubt searching for the strands of hair that he himself now wished he’d never gotten rid off. “Babe,” whispered Miles, out of breath, “feels so fucking good!”

No Grammy, no number one hit, no headline and no applause had ever given him the same level of satisfaction that these few words had just given him. He swallowed all of him, struggling but managing somehow, if briefly. But Miles cupped Alex’s face, tugged him off him, pulled him up. “Not yet,” he said huskily as he switched them back around, licking deeply into Alex’s mouth, stealing his last shreds of doubt, before dropping to the floor himself.

Kissing a torturous path from Alex’s belly button down to his painfully hard erection, Miles grabbed his dick, licked slowly from the base to the crown and flashed Alex the proudest smile when it bopped against his chin in excitement. Alex’s eyes rolled back into his head and his hands shot out, desperately searching for something to hold onto. The nearby doorframe would have to make do. The pleasure of Miles sucking him off was making him dizzy. There went their friendship, he thought dimly, drowning in a bottomless pit of insatiable greed.

His bones were melting within his body, his skin was burning up, his throat was raw and dry and when Miles hummed around Alex’s cock, he lost all ability to think. All that was left was unfiltered, infinite, consummate want. “Fuck me,” groaned Alex, pulling Miles’ head up for a shattering kiss of brazen lust. “Fuck me.”

“Alex,” whispered Miles, gravelly, “there’ll be no going back from that.”

As his hands stroke up and down Miles’ body, Alex licked his lips in unfettered appetite, then his eyes met Miles’. “I know.” He kissed him hard. Again and again. “Fuck me.”


	9. Lost

Present Day

October 2018

“Here’s here?” Miles tried to sound nonchalantly, tried to sound as if Alex Turner was just another member of the audience and not the very person who was giving his heart palpitations – and not the good kind! His hands grew cold and sweaty and he was suddenly fighting the urge to run and hide. His throat dried up. His right hand began fidgeting with his guitar pick. He hadn’t seen Alex or heard from him in three weeks. “Where is he?”

“Audience. He isn’t alone,” said one of the sound guys as he and some other stage hands placed the finishing touches on Miles’ stage set up. “Got a woman with him.”

“Girlfriend,” supplied Miles absentmindedly from his spot half behind the stage’s curtain. These days, Alex hardly went anywhere without her. That much he’d been told by mutual friends. As his eyes drifted across the people who filled the club, he told himself he wasn’t looking for him. But he was. Of course he was. He doubted there would ever be a time when he wouldn’t look for him.

The sound guy interrupted Miles’ thoughts. “Everything is set up. You’re on in five.”

Miles knew. He had a gig to play. People to entertain. A facade to uphold. He made his way back to area where the rest of his band had gathered. All of them were hyped up, ready to rock out, and here he was, wishing he was anywhere but in this very place.

He shook his head. This was ridiculous. He was a fucking grown-up! He had played in front of empty halls. He had been booed and laughed at. He had bloody played in front of an ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend. Why was this so goddamn hard? “Somebody play our song,” he called out, forced himself to smile and barreled through. They all fell in line, went ahead and performed their usual pre-show rituals. He joined them all. But his heart wasn’t in it. And neither were his nerves.

“Stage is that way,” whispered Victoria as she tugged his arm and pulled him away from the wall against which he hovered, a look of concern in her eyes. “Are you alright?”

“Yes,” lied Miles. “All’s good. Bit tired, I guess.”

“If you say so.”

One last deep breath and then he went. Big smile, on-point outfit, great band, everything was as it should be. Except, he wasn’t as he should be. Three weeks ago, someone had broken his heart and now here he was, or what was left of him, only the remains no longer resembled the original version. The stage was the one place where he had still felt connected to the person he used to be. But tonight, even that last bit of comfort was taken from him.

And even worse, halfway into the show, the bloody asshole responsible for it all had the guts to appear side-stage and wait for an invitation!

There wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. Nobody knew that he and Alex had a falling out – if one could even call it that. Nobody knew that Miles got cold chills at the mere idea of sharing a stage with Alex. And nobody, especially not his manager, on whom he blamed Alex’s side-stage presence, and who was without a doubt responsible for this shit-show that was about to go down, had even the slightest idea that the insides of Miles’ stomach began to churn as his band began playing the first notes of “Standing Next To Me”. That song. Their song.

That very manager now stood next to Alex and motioned for Miles to introduce him. To just play along.

Miles bit the insides of his cheeks, waved a hand at Alex, whose eyes he had yet to meet, and adjusted his guitar. Some audience members had already spotted him, had begun shouting his name. There was no way out of it now. “My brother. Alex Turner.”

Brother.

A laughable description, truly.

Whores would blush over the tales of what he and Alex had done.

But how else to introduce him? The world ‘friend’ just wouldn’t make it past his lips. Lover? Too big. Too meaningful. He couldn’t even describe him as a one night stand, since, one, it hadn’t lasted an entire night and, two, there had been no staying around afterwards. Which, to say it bluntly, was the most fucked up thing Alex had ever done to him!

From the corner of his eyes, Miles watched Alex wave at the crowd. He smiled, pretended, just as he was doing. Miles could tell because, despite everything, he still knew Alex better than anyone else.

As Miles began to sing, hoping to end this farce as soon as possible, Alex inched closer towards Miles. Not much, merely inches, but it was enough to make him uncomfortable, enough to make him lose focus and instead become angry and restless.

Then Alex fully invaded Miles’ personal space.

They had shared mics for years. Had done countless worse things in front of audiences much bigger than this. But having Alex within reaching distance, having him so close that Miles could actually smell him, and feel the heat radiate from his body, was torture at its finest.

“Matt dragged me here,” whispered Alex. Miles heard the hesitation in his voice, the shaky nerves and the shared yearning to be anywhere but here, on this stage, together. But in that moment, Miles cared not a single bit. Alex leaned just a fraction closer. “Can we talk later? Please!”

All Miles could muster was half a nod. Alex was standing too close, he was smelling too good, he was too bloody distracting. Miles forced himself to focus onto the song, tried to pour all of himself into this performance and not get lost in his conflicting thoughts about his temporary co-star. The audience, as expected, was eating all of it up. The energy was all-consuming. Until, at long last, their eyes met. Then Alex became all-consuming. Falling too quickly into their usual habits, Alex placed one arm on Miles’ back, strained to share the mic when Miles made no room for him, and when it was all played and sung, Alex pulled Miles’ head towards him, hugged him, and even had the audacity to kiss his cheek.

Miles wanted to punch him for that.

He wasn’t entirely sure he wouldn’t punch him for that later. The idea of it was tempting.

“Backstage?” whispered Alex, hopeful, before leaving the stage.

“Fine.”

Half an hour later, Miles sat in his dressing room, fed up about waiting for him to show up. Checking the time once more and not happy with what the face of the watch was telling him, he decided he had waited long enough. He grabbed his guitar and made his way out and towards the stairs. He wanted to be alone, in the cold, to gather and sort his thoughts.

“Miles?”

“Al?” Miles found him sitting on the stairs near the dressing room, a half-smoked cigarette between his fingertips. “I was waiting for you. You’re the one who wanted to talk,” he reminded him, his voice laced with bitterness and long-stewed ire.

Alex nodded in acknowledgement, took a long pull from the cigarette until it was gone and then flipped it to the ground, careless and quickly forgotten. “I’ve been sitting here for twenty minutes, trying to find the right words for what I want to say, but they won’t come to me. It’s as though they’re hiding from me.” He looked up, met Miles’ eyes. “I still haven’t found them.”

Miles leaned back against the wall, tired and exhausted, still holding on to the guitar. He had never cared for the right words. He’d settle for anything that offered even the slightest bit of explanation. He’d even settle for a bloody shouting match, as long as it offered just a single answer to the innumerable questions he had. But, as he watched Alex sitting on the steps, crumbling beneath the weight of his own world, Miles felt a little less of the anger he’d felt before. “You used to sit _with_ me until you found the words. You could have done that tonight.”

“And watch you look at me in disgust? No,” said Alex sadly as he harshly shook his head. “I absolutely could not have done that.”

“It’s not disgust, Al.”

“Hate? Anger? Pain? Regret? Annoyance? Gloom? Melancholy? The list of words at my disposal is endless, Miles. And when I imagine what you might think of me at the moment, not a single kind vocable crosses my mind.”

“Honestly?” Miles shrugged his shoulders, a gesture of helplessness. “I have no idea what I think of you at the moment. You know what would help me figure that out? If I had any idea how _you_ felt. ‘Cause I’m not the one who left in the middle of the night without a word.”

Alex looked away. “That was a really bad thing, I know.” His feet began to tap nervously. “Miles, I feel so lost,” he admitted and stared forlornly at the ceiling. “I feel so incredibly lost. I no longer recognize this world in which I live. Everything I thought I knew about myself no longer applies. I’ve hurt you. I never imaged myself being capable of that.”

In the old days, Miles would have rushed to Alex’s side, would have touched him and comforted him, but in this age, where every day felt like an endless walk across a continuously disintegrating bridge, he no longer dared to make quick moves. Every step was carefully placed. One wrong move and he feared his world would completely crumble apart. So he remained stoic, glued to the wall. “For what it’s worth, I don’t believe you intended to hurt me.”

The ghost of a smile appeared on Alex’s somber, stricken face. “That’s a very kind assumption.” For a while, they just looked at each other, until Alex got up and took a timid step towards Miles. “The sum total of what I’d like to tell you could fill an entire album. Or ten. One day I’ll be able to answer all of your questions and I’ll be able to use all the right words, I promise. But I can’t do it now.” His voice was on the edge of breaking. “I know I’m the one who asked for this conversation. But now that I’m here, I find myself unequipped to be having it. All I can do is apologize for the way I left. And I’m begging you to believe me when I say I never, ever wanted to hurt you. You must believe that part, Miles!”

“Then why did you go,” whispered Miles, trying so hard to keep from reaching out, from touching him. Alex looked so vulnerable and Miles longed to console him. Even now, after everything. But he wasn’t sure his heart would survive another set-back.

Alex lifted his hand, aimed to touch Miles’ arm, but stopped mid-move. His gaze fell to the floor. His arm fell back to his side. “I want to tell you, Miles. I do, you need to believe me! But I can’t. I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know how to express what I want to say. I’m too scared to say it wrong. I fear the wrong word will do more damage. What if the wrong word will cause irreparable harm? But one day I will find the words, I swear!”

“So you just say nothing instead?” His anger returned. “Here’s how I felt after finding you gone: Miserable. And lonely. We did a big, bad thing to our friendship that night, Alex. And I needed my best friend to be there with me, cause you’re not the only one who is fucking lost!”

“Miles, I tried to stay, I wanted to stay! I really did,” confessed Alex, on the verge of tears. “I couldn’t.”

Miles swallowed hard, suppressing the same tears he saw Alex struggling to contain. “So what happens now? I can’t pretend this didn’t happen! I can’t hang out with you and crack jokes when all I really want is for you to fucking talk to me about it!” Their friendship, it occurred to him then, was at an impasse. It shouldn’t come to such a shock to him. They hadn’t spoken in weeks. He’d had no intention of reaching out to him, so if Alex hadn’t shown up tonight, who knows when they would have talked or met again. Yet, his heart was aching more and more with each painful beat and the mere idea of parting ways with Alex for God knows how long was letting his blood run cold. “Is this the end?”

“Until I find my voice,” replied Alex, hoarse and weak.

Out of nowhere the show's photographer appeared and demanded a picture of them. Miles took a long look at the guy, then at Alex, and then at their surroundings. Here he was, in a dark and lonely hallway, fighting to control his emotions, all but saying farewell to the one person he needed in his life more than anything, and this guy just walked up and told them to pose? He met Alex’s eyes, grabbed his guitar and straightened up, all the while marveling at the farcicality of it. “Isn’t it fucking ridiculous? Our goodbye, captured for eternity?”

“Don’t call it goodbye,” begged Alex, giving the photographer the same sad and hollow look that Miles was giving him. “Maybe one day we’ll look at this picture and share a laugh,” he said quietly. But he sounded unconvinced. And so felt Miles.

The picture was taken. “Thanks,” said the photographer and vanished back to where he came from.

Some moments passed. “It’s goodbye for now, but not forever.” Alex bowed his head slightly.

Miles gripped the neck of his guitar with bruising force. This wasn’t what he wanted. He didn’t want to say goodbye. He wanted to hold on to Alex. He wanted him closer, not farther away. But what else was there to do? He did not know. And so he let go. “Goodbye, Alex.” As he watched his friend slowly make his way down the hallway, Miles’ heart spoke before his head could stop himself. “You can always call me, anywhere, anytime!”

Alex gave him a stricken smile, a last lingering look, and then he was gone. Miles felt the sharp, splintered pieces of his broken heart tumbling down in his chest. There were times in his life when he had wished to experience a devastating, soul-crushing loss, just to know what it would feel like. Now that he knew, he found it sucked. It sucked fucking badly! l He picked up his guitar, made his way up the stairs and at long last arrived on the rooftop, where he was alone and where it was quiet. A few old lawn chairs were there, a couple of overfilled ashtrays and some litter that people had left behind. Taking a seat on a chair, Miles gazed up into the sky, found the moon staring back at him, and began strumming the notes to one of Alex’s songs.

_Oh, the dawn won’t stop weighing a tonne_

_I’ve done some things that I shouldn’t have done_

_But I haven’t stopped loving you once_

Would Alex be here with him right now if they hadn’t met in the elevator that fateful night? They had argued that day, had all but ended it then. But, what had that argument been about, really? It all seemed so insignificant now. Miles leaned back and closed his eyes, his fingers still strumming the strings. He’d been mad at Alex for flinching. He’d been mad at him for his lack of answers. He was still mad at him for the same shit!

But Alex had never been good with answers. He was tremendous at arranging words in the most lyrical manner, could compose the most complex ideas and let them sound light and melodic. However, he was a total and complete failure when pressed for a simple answer. On good days, Miles loved that about him, loved watching him struggle during interviews, loved watching journalists get bored waiting for Alex to say a single world while Alex was mentally writing an entire anthology.

On bad days, Miles wanted nothing more than a plain and simple statement. No metaphors, no long, rhythmic sentences, just a yes or a no. For more than two years now there was one burning question on his mind, one he had never dared to ask: “Do you regret that I kissed you?” For the first time ever, Miles spoke the words out loud.

How to live with a question that one would most likely never receive an answer to?

_2010_

“_We’ve been here all night and you haven’t said a single thing to me,” said Miles, taking a seat next to Alex at the bar. “Have I done something to piss you off? I sure feels that way.”_

“_Nope.” Alex drowned his beer and got up, not meeting Miles’ eyes._

_Miles rolled his eyes. “You know what?” He grabbed Alex’s arm and stopped him from walking away. “Next time you lie to me, try harder!”_

_Alex glared at him, but sat back down while pulling his arm out of Miles’ grasp. “I wasn’t lying. You haven’t done anything. It’s what you haven’t done that’s pissing me off.”_

“_And what would that be?” Miles demanded to know, completely unaware of what his friend was talking about. One moment they had been fine, the next, Alex had barely looked at him anymore!_

“_When were you going to tell me that you have feelings for my girlfriend?”_

“_I do what?” Miles gaped. That accusation came out of nowhere. “Are you fucking kidding me?”_

“_I am not. I was talking to your dove yesterday. Found her sitting in the corner, crying her eyes out ‘cause you broke up with her. She told me quite a bit!”_

“_How about you tell me what she told you, huh? Do it, Al! I have no bloody idea what you’re talking about! I don’t have any feelings for Alexa!”_

“_Then why are you always hanging out with us?”_

_It felt as though a ton of bricks had been dropped on him. “I wasn’t aware I was bothering you so much,” said Miles. His shoulders dropped, and he looked away from Alex. “You should have told me I was spending too much time with you. I’ll stay away, then.”_

“_That’s not what I meant, Miles,” groaned Alex. “You know that’s not what I meant, right?”_

“_No, Al, I don’t.”_

_Miles could practically hear Alex role his eyes. “I mean, why would you spend so much time with us — well, not too much, but — fuck! I’m explaining this wrong! She said you had feeling for Alexa! She said you’d rather spend time with my girlfriend than with her!”_

“_That’s not true!”_

“_It is, Miles. You’re always with us.”_

“_So it does bother you?”_

“_No! Fuck, stop twisting what I say! This isn’t about us. It’s about you and Alexa!”_

_It was about them, Miles wanted to say. It wasn’t Alexa’s company that he found himself looking for. It was Alex’s. But how to explain that without making a fool of himself, wondered Miles. So he avoided an actual answer. “She and I…we broke up. I didn’t feel as much for her as she did for me and that’s that. But I don’t want anything from your girl, Al! You just have to believe me. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I have been spending too much time with you guys.”_

“_Bloody stop saying that, Miles! It’s not what I meant!”_

“_That doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Why don’t I start right now? I’m feeling tired anyway. So, goodnight. See you around, Alex.” _

“_Miles! Don’t do that, don’t walk out on me. I fear I’ve said it all wrong!”_

“_I’m not walking out on you. I’m going home. We’re good, Al. Don’t worry about it. Go spend time with your girlfriend and let me get some much needed sleep. Really, Al, we’re fine. Don’t worry!”_

“_Swear, Miles?”_

_Miles turned around, faced his friend and forced himself to smile the world’s most reassuring smile. “Yes. I do. Goodnight!” _

Present Day

They didn’t speak for a week after that night. And even after that it had felt strange for a long time. For months Miles would pay meticulous attention to how often and how long he hung out with Alex. He wouldn’t spend a single night over at Alex’s, like he’d done so often before. He’d made sure to not be around when Alexa was near. And after Alexa had ended things with Alex, Miles wouldn’t talk to her for a long while. It had hurt him, for he and Alexa had become genuine friends and he had ignored her in an attempt to not endanger his friendship with Alex.

Remembering all that, it occurred to him, though, that there were times when Alex had wanted answers and Miles couldn’t supply them. Not because he didn’t have the answers, but because he didn’t know how to say what he wanted to say without saying too much or too little.

More and more of his anger towards Alex began to dissipate and what remained was guilt. Guilt and regret for being as bad with the right words as Alex was. His friend had been right weeks ago – he was a coward. If he had been honest about his feelings, his confusion and all that festering attraction that had slowly poisoned their friendship during the last years, maybe all of this could have been prevented. Whenever Alex got lost in his endeavors to say what he wanted to say in the most precise, perfect manner, Miles got lost in his fears of saying the wrong thing the wrong way. Whenever Alex couldn’t say anything, Miles wouldn’t say anything.

Miles placed the guitar aside, gave his entire attention to the night’s sky. How could he blame Alex for walking out on him, unable to stay, when he himself hadn’t said a word to stop him, afraid he’d leave anyway? Yes. He had been awake, had felt the cold fog that had fallen over him the moment Alex had slipped out of his arms. He had deliberately kept his eyes close as Alex had gathered his clothes. He had deliberately remained silent when Alex had vanished out of the room. He’d been as much of a coward as Alex had been.

He should have told him that, Miles knew. But he’d been hurt and confused and, god damnit, he wanted Alex to fucking tell him how he felt before he would admit to his own feelings. But Alex would never do that, would he? He never made the first step. Never had.

Except…

Memories of their night returned. Memories of that moment in the elevator. Memories of Alex, making the first step, giving Miles the choice to say no.

Bloody hell! Why was it all so damn fucked up?

Maybe he needed faith that one day they’d meet again and indeed have the right words for each other. Maybe Alex was right about saying goodbye for now? How could they spend time with each other when an enormous cloud of unresolved problems would continually rain down on them, forever reminding them that they were not okay? Wouldn’t that hurt more than not talking at all?

Who was he kidding!

Not speaking with Alex? Deliberately not talking to Alex when all he wanted was to talk and to fix? Miles had no idea how to endure that.


	10. Lonely Heart

Present Day

December 2018

Alex lay on the couch in his parents’ living room, absentmindedly playing with a remnant of wrapping paper left over from the holidays. Christmas had, once again, come and gone. Same old, every year. He’d never been a big fan of it all, the ceremonious acts, the guests, the cards, the gifts, the dishonesty of it all. But this year, Christmas had put him in a particularly bad mood. Rolling his head to the side, he looked at the single gift left lying underneath the slowly decaying tree.

The rectangular box, wrapped in bright red, tied with a golden ribbon and adorned with a gold-dotted card that had none more than two words written on the inside – For Miles – now served as a gaudy reminder that he and the one person he so desperately longed to see were no longer speaking with each other. They hadn’t talked in months. And there was so much that Alex wanted to talk with Miles about. Boring stuff. Inane things that he’d seen and heard. Lyrics that had come to him and that he couldn’t make sense of. Jokes that he wanted to share. Silly rumors that he wanted to gossip about. Miles loved silly rumors and gossiping!

And, of course, all those feelings that he was experiencing. He wanted to explain to Miles that he’d never meant to walk out of him that night. He wanted to explain to him that he’d simply been unable to remain in the room, waiting, in silence, for him to wake up, not knowing how Miles would react when he inevitably would wake up. He wanted to tell him that his greatest fear that night had been to find Miles staring back at him with regret. Or worse, disgust.

But if he said all that, if he told him all that, using those words, Miles would know that Alex had feelings for Miles that went far beyond the realms of their friendship. If he explained to Miles what had been going on in his head that day, Miles would know that Alex had fallen and most like would forever remain in love with him. And that was an admission he couldn’t make, at least not without putting the well-being of his badly damaged heart at risk. How would he deal with Miles’ reaction if his reaction wasn’t what Alex wanted it to be? And what did Alex want Miles’ reaction to be?

At the moment, Alex was trying to figure all of that out. But the figuring-out part was taking longer than he had expected. He had believed to be done with it all before Christmas. He had expected them to be friends again by this point. A part of him had expected, maybe even hoped, to have fallen out of love with Miles by now. Then it would have been so much easier to go to Miles, explain it all and ask for another chance to prove himself as a friend.

Hence the Christmas present. A hand-stitched, one of a kind, monogrammed pajama, made for Miles. Alex had personally looked up the best tailor in Paris, had hand-picked the fabric, had given detailed instructions and had gone back and collected the finished result himself. The perfect gift. But Miles wasn’t here to unpack it. Why? Because Alex hadn’t fallen out of love yet. And he was still trying hard to select the right words. “Bloody holidays,” murmured Alex and crumbled the piece of wrapping paper beyond recognition.

“Pauline wishes you a wonderful, if belated, Christmas,” Alex’s mother Penny called from the hallway of his childhood home. “She wants you to know you’re welcome to drop by whenever you want and hopes that you and Miles get over your silly, little argument as soon as possible! Which, dear, is a sentiment I quite share! I’d like to see Miles again some time. It’s been a while. He has always dropped by around Christmas!”

“I told you,” grumbled Alex, “it’s not a silly, little argument. That I would have been able to fix! It’s a bit more complicated than that!”

“Maybe,” suggested his mother, using that stern, trust-me tone that she had perfected and loved aiming at him for as long as he could remember, “you should tell me what happened. That way I can fix it.”

Alex thought about that idea. It had its entertaining notions. How would his parents react if he went and spilled it all? How would they react if he served them the hard, cold truth?

Mom, Dad, here’s what went down: Miles and I fucked until we couldn’t see straight anymore, fell asleep, then I snuck out without a word. Naturally, things went downhill from there. Ideas?

The mere thought of that made him laugh.

“Something funny, dear?”

“Could you stop calling me that?”

“No.”

Mothers.

“He’s in London, you know? He’s staying there for a bit. Pauline told me,” explained Penny. “In case you want to go there. To fix things,” she added pointedly. “Did you insult him? Did you say something bad about his music? Did you break one of his guitars again?”

He rolled his eyes, not moving an inch from the couch. Oh, he had no intention of doing anything anytime soon. He was planning on spending the next days wallowing in self-pity, smoking, drinking, and in general, not giving a damn about anything. “No, I didn’t know. No, I did not insult him.” Even the suggestion that he would have done that was bizarre by itself! “I did not say a bad thing about his music! And could you please stop bringing up that guitar-thing? We were jamming out to the Sex Pistols. I got him a new guitar, didn’t I?” He sighed heavily. “May I remind you that he broke my window. How come you never hold that against him?”

“He paid for the new window. And he apologized profoundly for it. Besides, if you hadn’t filled him up with Tequila, he wouldn’t have tried to play basket ball with a brick.”

Alex’s jaw dropped. “Is that what he told you? He bought the Tequila himself! He filled me up that night!”

“Oh dear, don’t bother. Miles wouldn’t do that,” said his mother, amused. “He’s too nice for that.”

Too nice? Alex scoffed. Miles? His Miles? Well, he wasn’t _his_ Miles any longer, but the idea that Miles Kane was too nice was ridiculous. Alex’s mind drifted back to that night last fall. Images of himself, face down, holding onto the cushions for dear life while Miles was having his way with him filled his head. His entire body heated up at the memories. He could still feel Miles’ hot breath on his skin, still hear the filthy, provocative words as he came deep inside of him. No, too nice wasn’t a term Alex would ever use to describe him. He’d go with hard, wild, passionate, or ravenous. Gentle and kind, but vigorous and rough at just the same time. Fucking addictive, that’s what Miles was! Alex swallowed hard.

“Alexander?!”

“Huh?”

“I asked, will you stay for dinner? And what about your girlfriend? When will you bring her around?”

“Uh…soon. Some day. I don’t know. Dinner…I don’t know yet.” As he watched her make her way back towards the kitchen, he wondered if somewhere in London there was a gift waiting for him. Just as hideously wrapped. Selected by Miles. Unlikely. Judging from the expression of complete and utter disappointment in Miles’ eyes last time they saw each other, Alex could be lucky if Miles ever looked at him again.

He got up, grabbed the red-wrapped gift and took it with him upstairs, into his room. How odd it felt to be in here again. The walls still carried the wallpapers from the time he’d gone to school. His old desk sat empty in the corner. His small, single bed, however, looked far more inviting than the massive one he had in his house in France, or the one in his London apartment. This one was made for one person only and it didn’t make him feel lonely when he spent his nights alone. He put the gift down on the comforter, sat down on next to it and let his eyes drift around the room.

How much time had passed since he’d moved out? Years. A decade. More, even. The walls were covered in polaroids, pictures taken during their first gigs, when they had been unknown and sometimes booed at. Those times had passed. Which, in a sense, was sad. He still remembered the energy he got from the hecklers, from wanting to prove them wrong.

Alex’s gaze lingered on the bookshelf next to the bed. The upper rows were filled with old journals and note pads, filled with lyrics and notes. The most unorganized selection of unreleased songs imaginable. Every once in a while, when he was stuck writing new material, he found himself venturing back to the shelf, digging through some old lines, hoping for inspiration. The lowest shelf carried his old school books. His fingertips traced the creased spine of his old biology book and he smiled. He should throw it away, he thought. He’d never use it again anyway. He was about to pull it out when his eyes caught something shiny below his bed.

A guitar pick. A used, old one. Miles’ old one. Alex could tell by the chewing marks on one side. Whenever Miles was struggling with a new melody, he would chew on his guitar pick. It used to drive Alex insane. Now he considered it one of Miles’ most endearing little quirks.

Miles.

Alex placed the pick in his pocket, then lay back on the bed and closed his eyes. He wondered what his friend was doing at the moment. Was he wasting the day away as well? Was he writing new material? Was he meeting people? Was he having a good time, or where good times eluding him in the same manner they were eluding Alex at the moment?

_2014_

“_Make your decision, babe. My planet, or yours?”_

_Alex’s head snapped up, meeting Miles’ slightly-tired gaze fully. “What did you just say?”_

“_I’ve been asking you for minutes wether you want to stay here or if we should head back inside,” spoke Miles with a bit of a grin._

“_Yes, yes,” said Alex as he waved his hand, “that’s not what I…the words, Mi, the precise words, say them again!”_

_Miles laughed, but relented, no doubt used by now to his odd requests. “Make your decision, babe. My planet, or yours? Were you paying attention to my words, then?”_

“_I always do when you play,” assured Alex as he walked over to Miles. “I love those words.” He sat down next to him on the sun lounger by the pool, leaned back and got comfortable. “You’ve just begun writing this new song of yours, but I swear I can already hear it all in my head. It’ll sound so good, Miles!”_

_Miles placed the guitar away and reclined as well. The lounger was big but not that big and so their sides pressed against one another. Alex didn’t mind, and neither seemed Miles. “This night marks the seventh consecutive New Year’s Even which we’ve now spent together!”_

“_That many?” wondered Miles and chuckled. “I’m surprised we can still stand each other after all that time.”_

_Alex’s lips twisted in amusement. “Yeah, me too. Considering how little you care for me these days. Always touring, hanging out with other musicians, spending your spare time on this twittering-thing…”_

“_Just Twitter,” laughed Miles and wrapped his arm around Alex’s shoulder, pulling him closer. “Besides, if anyone’s ignoring anyone, then it’s you ignoring me! Always touring, hanging out with other musicians, spending your spare time reading those things they call books…”_

_Now it was Alex’s turn to laugh. And his turn to deepen their contact. He leaned his head against Miles’ and looked up, as always fascinated by the firmament. “Did I ever tell you the story about the lonely planet?”_

_Miles shook his head softly._

“_Once upon a time,” began Alex, “far, far away from here, there was a big, beautiful cluster of planets and stars. It would have been a magnificent sight to see, no doubt. But, one day, something happened. I can’t tell you when that was, or what precisely occurred. And even the scientists can only guess, but they assume the planets no longer got alone with one another. So they split up. One of the planets took a leap and decided to continue his journey through the endless universe on his own. The rest of the cluster remained behind. One would think that people would find the cluster more interesting than the solitary traveller, however, it’s the lonely planet that’s capturing the hearts and minds of the curious.”_

_Alex tilted his head to the side and found Miles giving him the most attentive, interested expression. So close to him, against his side, warmed by his warmth, he felt more content and at peace than he had in a very long time. “Sometimes I watch the sky all night, trying to spot the lonely planet as he journeys on, forever moving forwards and never looking back, and then I think of you.” Their eyes met. “You’re the bravest person I know, Miles.”_

“_No,” whispered Miles, shaking his head so gently that Alex couldn’t see, only tell my the movement against his cheek. “I’m scared all the time, Al. You’re the one who has never shied away from anything. If it weren’t for you, I don’t even think we’d be friends today. I didn’t have the guts to walk up to you. You walked up to me!”_

“_That’s because you left me no choice,” explained Alex. A soft chuckle escaped him as he remembered their early days. “Here’s a secret for you: You’re the only person in my life I ever walked up to. All my life I’ve been lucky enough that I never had to make the first move. Jamie, Matt, they were all just there as long as I can remember. My first girlfriend walked up to me and told me she liked me. So did every other one after that. And those who didn’t come to me, never much interested me to begin with. But then there was you. You so stubbornly refused to acknowledge me! No matter how hard I tried, how good I played, or how much of a fool I made out of myself whenever you were near, you just wouldn’t budge!”_

“_What? That’s not true.”_

“_Don’t deny it Miles!” Alex rolled to his side, out of Miles’ embrace, and propped his head up on his hand. “I tried to catch your attention all the time. From the very moment I saw you!” As he looked into Miles’ eyes, Alex spotted the confusion and the surprise. “You really don’t remember? The other Monkeys and I had just finished playing our set and I was walking off stage when I saw you sitting in a corner. You were wearing headphones, which was pissing me off, because we had performed really well that night and you had the guts to ignore our live performance for some shit on your iPod. I was watching you for a long time. Your foot was tapping on the ground to some melody and I tried to figure out if I knew the song, tried to decipher what song was so good that it was worth ignoring us for. I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t figure it out.” He saw it all vividly in his head, almost as though he was back in that club. “There were quite a few people there that night. It was loud and a bit crazy. But you didn’t notice any of that. You were so lost in that song that you didn’t even notice the girl sitting next to you, trying to talk to you. All of you was focused on that one song coming from your headphones. You were the most fascinating thing in the entire club,” admitted Alex a bit sheepishly, trying not to blush under Miles’ gaze. “I swore to myself that one day I would write a song so good that it would capture your attention just like that song did that night.”_

_Miles mirrored Alex’s position, a bit of a shocked expression on his face. “I wasn't—”_

“_No, no! Don’t deny it!” Alex looked away and grinned, but in truth, Miles’ undivided attention was too much for him. He hadn’t intended to admit any of this to him, but the words just kept coming. Still did. “It went on for so long! You ignoring me? Lasted for weeks! We ran into each other a few times, but never really talked. Sometimes I’d get a little nod from you or something like that, letting me know that, at the very least, you recognized my existence. But never more than that! And so, one night, I was so fed up with it that I swallowed all of my fears, and just walked up to you. I was so scared you would find me weird or boring or even laughable. I remember blurting out my words, asking you to teach me that guitar part, not really saying much else. And I remember your smile. You nodded, I grabbed my guitar, and for the rest of the night, we played together.” Laughter erupted from him. “It occurred to me hours later, long after I had the riff down, that I had yet to give you my name. But, by then, it really made no sense at all to just randomly drop it and you hadn’t directly addressed me so I couldn’t tell wether or not you already knew my name. All of that really confused me and made me mess up all the notes you had spent the night teaching me.”_

“_So that’s why you gave me that piece of paper?” Miles’ eyes were still glued to him._

_Alex nodded. In retrospect it must have seemed so odd to him at that time. But back then? “I considered it the perfect solution. I wrote my name and number on a piece of paper and handed it to you at the end of the night. It’s the only time in my entire life that I ever did that. You’re unique in my life, Miles. In every sense of the word,” added Alex, his voice soft and quiet._

_He didn’t do this with any other person in his life, family, friend or lover. To speak so vulnerably and openly about his actions, his motivations and his feelings scared him for it left him defenseless and put him in a position where he could easily get hurt. But with Miles, he was safe. Miles never laughed at his admissions, never made fun of him for being emotional or made light of his words. Instead, he let Alex know that he was deeply appreciative of being trusted so profoundly._

“_I said a thousand million things, that I could never say this morning.” Miles’s hushed words broke the silence into which Alex had drifted. At the sound of his old lyrics, Alex’s attention perked up and he stared at Miles in surprise. Miles’ cheeks carried a soft blush. “That’s the line I was stuck on. That night, in the club, when you watched me wearing headphones, I was trying to figure out what made you write those words.”_

_Alex sat up straight, staring down at Miles. “What?”_

_Miles took a deep breath. He lay backwards on the lounger and continued, avoiding Alex’s eyes. “It wasn’t that crazy that night. And it wasn’t really crowded, either. I saw you on stage, I heard you playing in front of an half-empty club. You were almost done with your set and even though you guys weren’t superstars back then and people had yet to print your names on shirts, the ones that were there to watch you loved you and were in awe of you. Back in those days, you were still trying to find yourself. It would be a while until you’d become your sassy self. But even then there was this aura around you. Something magical. I remember seeing some girls in the audience who were desperately trying to catch your eye. They all failed miserably. Your whole attention was on the music and finding the perfect way to deliver it just right. I don’t know why, but in that moment I promised myself that some day I would catch your attention while you’re on stage, just because it seemed so very elusive and unattainable, like a unicorn. So there’s a secret for you, Alex. You had me hooked around your little finger long before I even knew your number.”_

_Timidly, Miles searched for Alex’s gaze. And found it. “I’m probably not supposed to tell you this, but I was listening to an illegally downloaded bootleg version of ‘From the Ritz to the Rubble’. And that piece of paper with your number? I still have that.” The last part came out almost too low for Alex to hear. “My mom found it in my pocket a few days later and asked me if I had any intentions of calling this 'Alexandra’? I told her you were a guy, named Alex, and before I could even begin to tell her about your band and our evening, she asked me if you looked cute and whether or not I planned on bringing you around one day.”_

_Alex laughed out loud as he lay back down next to Miles. Closer, this time. He bent one arm, laid it on Miles’ chest and began playing with one of the buttons of his shirt. “Well, did you say I was cute?”_

“_I believe I did. You know, in that baby-rockstar kind of way.”_

“_Hey!”_

_Miles stuck out his tongue and smirked. “You should have worn a leather jacket that night and not that old varsity sweater. Maybe then I would have described you as hot.”_

_Alex grinned, quite happy with the fact that Miles remembered their beginning in as fondly a manner as he did. “Think I look hot in a leather jacket, huh?”_

_Miles rolled his eyes, but smiled. “You know you do. That’s why you have so many!”_

_After a few moments of companionable silence, Alex leaned over Miles and reached for his acoustic. He handed it to him. “Play it again for me, will you?”_

“_The riff? It’s really all I have so far.”_

“_Doesn’t matter. I fear I might have irreversibly fallen in love with your melody.”_

“_You’re such a bloody flirt,” said Miles with a playful wink, adjusted the guitar and begun strumming. “Enjoy.”_

Present Day

Alex pulled out his phone, scrolled through the contacts and pushed dial. “Hey, that invitation for New Year’s Eve? That still goes?”

“Of course,” said his friend James. “I’ll text you the address. Hey, um, he’ll be there. Just so you know. There’s some rumors and–”

“All’s fine,” reassured Alex and hung up. This year would be the twelfth New Year’s Eve he and Miles would spend together. And even if they weren’t talking at the moment, at some point in the future they would be talking again. He’d make sure of that. Somehow, down the road, he’d find a way to fix them. It would be a shame if they broke their tradition just because a bit of sex and love had gotten in the way it.

Alex got off the bed and grabbed his big duffle bag. The first thing he put in there was Miles’ gift. Around that, he stuffed some shirts, a few pants, his favorite pair of leather boots and, naturally, a leather jacket. His favorite one. Miles owned the same one. They had gotten it the same week, in separate cities, unaware of each other, until they’d shown up to some party wearing matching outfits. They had spent the entire night laughing about it.

Once the bag was full, Alex sat back on the bed, took a notepad from the shelf, grabbed a pencil and flipped through the pages until he spotted an empty one.

“Dear Miles,

Speaking my mind, as becomes clearer to me day by day, is, for now, entirely unmanageable. As I have told you last fall, I could fill a series of albums with the amount of truths I’d like to share with you. But it’s not the notion of being honest that makes me avoid doing so, it’s the part that follows. I quite fear for your reaction. We’ve always been brutally honest with each other and there’s never been a moment in which I’ve regretted it. Until now, though, there has never been a truth as big as the one which is currently burdening my shoulders. I’m in love with you. And not just a little bit. Imagine that. I want to be your friend, but in your presence my heart’s desires overpower my mind’s demands. I want you to trust me with your friendship, but how can I ask that of you when I don’t trust my own self to keep a platonic distance towards you? I miss our nearness, our comfortable proximity, I miss the warmth I received in your arms when you held me as your friend, but how do I return into your friendly embrace when the longing for a different heat makes me seek out your arms in an utterly carnal manner? These are the questions I need to find answers to before I can figure out how to make amends for the mess I’ve created. I hope that yo—”

“Alex,” his mother called from downstairs, “your Dad needs your help. Can you come down for a moment?”

Alex rolled his eyes, stuffed the notepad back into the shelf and made his way downstairs. “What’s he doing?”

“He tried playing that Bowie song that you and Miles used to perform and he used your guitar for that. The brown one? With the hideous strap? The loud one, Alex. You know which one I mean. Anyway, he messed around with the silver thing, the shiny – the whatever you call it—”

“Bigsby?”

“It won’t make any noises anymore. Can you help him?”

“Of course,” he said, chuckled at the idea of his dad playing Bowie on his electric, and made his way towards the garage. “Oh, I won’t stay for dinner, by the way,” he called over his shoulder. “I’ll be leaving for London later.”

“Good decision, dear. Give our greetings to Miles, will you?”

“I won’t…oh whatever.”


	11. First Steps

Present Day

New Year’s Eve 2018

“He knows how to play the acoustic,” explained Alex, still laughing, “but he doesn’t know a thing about modified electrics. Broke the damn thing off. He looked so guilty and lost, I actually felt bad for him. Got him an old electric of mine, told him to practice until I get back. He’ll get there.”

Miles, who sat a few seats down the bar, was able to hear Alex tell the story and smiled to himself. How he would have loved to have seen it. Alex’s father was a very talented musician, he played a bunch of instruments, but it was only in recent years that he had discovered his interest in rocking out on guitars. He’d jammed quite a few times with him and Alex during their last tour. Miles lifted his eyes, carefully sneaking a glance at Alex, only to have him glance back. Miles quickly adverted his eyes, feeling stupid and caught. A ridiculous thought. But it was there nonetheless.

Why did Alex have to show up tonight? Miles began bouncing his leg, a nervous gesture. For the first time in a long while Miles was having somewhat of a good time, surrounded by friends and old acquaintances. They had chatted, caught up, laughed, until, about an hour ago, Alex had walked in. Everyone else was still having a good time. Only his good mood had withered immediately.

Well, to be perfectly honest, he hadn’t been in thatgood of a mood to begin with. It was New Year’s Eve and here he was, three months after his kind-of break-up with Alex, still trying to figure out where to go from there. For the entire day the thought of not spending the night with Alex had weighed down on him. Then he’d told himself to bloody get a grip and get it together. So he’d tried to get it together, to not think of Alex, and to distract himself. Naturally, Alex had used that moment to reenter Miles’ life.

Fucker loved a good entrance.

Miles had been so shocked by the sight of his old friend that he had only been able to mumble a weird, incoherent welcome which had included the words ‘hi’, 'um’, and 'hello’. Not his brightest moment! Then Alex had given him the tiniest, most timid smile and a carefully spoken 'hello’. It was the first time he’d ever heard anyone say anything in a careful manner, but truly, there was no other way to describe it.

Overwhelmed and unsure how to react, Miles had wordlessly walked away, taken a seat at the bar and not moved from there since. Ten minutes later, Alex had taken a seat as well. Two chairs down to the right. And when Miles began to believe that the night couldn’t possible get anymore awkward, Al’s girlfriend had walked in and straight up planted herself on Al’s lap.

'That’s my spot,’ Miles’ increasingly drunk and startlingly jealous mind had chimed in and almost as if Alex had heard it, he’d had given her a nudge and let her know to find a chair instead. Miles’ mind had responded a snarky 'thank you!’ Ever since then he and his mind were pondering his next moves. Should he remain at the bar? Should he head out to the balcony? Or, better yet, just go home? Maybe he should just call it a night and—

“Hey, Miles.”

He and his mind should have paid more attention, apparently! Neither one had noticed Alex taking a seat next to him. Miles took a large swig from his drink and swallowed hard. “Alex.”

“Are you enjoying your night?”

As Miles pondered his response, he allowed his sight to linger on Alex. He looked vulnerable and afraid, almost scared. It was hard to see his friend like that. His former friend. He didn’t want things to be awkward between them. Maybe they didn’t know how to be the friends they used to be at the moment, but did that necessarily imply that they couldn’t act 'normal’ around each other? They didn’t need to hug or whisper or talk about their shared history, but couldn’t they have a neutral conversation? Apparently not, Miles realized, as he attempted to answer Alex’s very simple question. “I was. I am, I mean. I believe. What I’m trying to say is…oh bloody hell!” Miles grabbed the drink in front of him, finished it off and turned to Alex. “Fuck this! Care for a smoke?”

Alex looked as though Miles had made him the world’s greatest gift. “God, yes!”

Both made their way out to the balcony. It was almost empty. A few people were hovering near the wall, but it was an icy cold winter night and people weren’t dressed for the weather. Miles didn’t care. The cold soothed him, helped him get keep his head clear. And he knew Alex felt the same.

“It’s weird,” said Miles, trying to explain his set of mind. “Seeing you here, after all this time. For a moment I wished you hadn’t shown up. At the same time, though, I’m glad that you did. I just don’t know how to talk to you.”

“Me neither,” admitted Alex, shyly. “I hadn’t planned on coming here. I was sitting in my apartment the whole day, deciding for and against coming here. But we always spend this night together. And I thought, if I don’t show up, what if that’s another nail in the coffin of our friendship?”

“Does it have a coffin yet?” Miles snuck a worried glance at Alex.

“You tell me.” He lit the cigarette for which they had come for. As did Miles. “I still don’t have the words you deserve to hear. I’ve written countless letters to you. They’re sitting in shelves all over the world. I was in LA and remembered our time making our album. And I tried writing to you about that. In France I recalled our night at the lake. How simple it was for us to shrug off what had happened that night. How we didn’t move on from that, because we never needed to move on. We were just okay with it all. In London I went to visit the club where we first met. Remember the one? There’s a picture of us which the owners hung up near the bathrooms. I had never noticed before. A few days ago I was in Sheffield and wrote to you about how much I miss you.”

Miles wished he’d gotten the letters, wished that he knew every single word Alex had written down. “Why haven’t you sent any of 'em, Al?”

“I let my heart write those letters, Mi. They’re too honest. At times, they’re even too honest for myself.”

Miles wanted to tell him that there could never be too much truth between. But that was a lie. He remembered his own omissions of honesty. And he knew there were things he was keeping from Alex. Feelings. Desires. Fears. Truths. If Miles allowed his heart to take the reigns, he’d be having his way with Alex right here, right now, consequences be damned. If he allowed his mind to lead, he’d never touch Alex again out of fear for even the smallest repercussions. “What if we never find the right words, Al? What if we don’t find a way out of this hole that we’ve dug?”

“We will, Miles.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Cause I bloody fucking miss you.”

Miles closed his eyes, took a deep breath and clutched the wrought iron rail of the balcony they were standing on. It took all that he had inside of him not to grab Alex and haul him in for a tight hug and God knows what else. How was it possible to long so deeply, so overwhelmingly, for another person? How was it possible to need somebody so desperately? Not just in a physical manner, but also emotionally?

“It’s almost midnight,” Alex pointed out.

Miles kept his eyes close, but nodded into the night. Their time was up. “We should go back inside.”

“Yes.” He let go of the rail, met Alex’s eyes briefly, then followed him back towards the bar. Alex returned to his chair next to Louise, and Miles took his old seat two chairs away from him. Other people began to gather around the bar. Not long and the countdown began. Seconds ticked down. Fireworks could be heard through the open windows. Miles saw Louise giving Alex a kiss and quickly looked away.

'Happy New Year,” his bored and lonely mind chimed in. “And if he were mine, better fucking believe he would be grasping for air right now.”

Valentine’s Day 2019

_“Dear Friend, I know this day is meant for lovers, but I consider us lovers of a different kind. We share a mind. May these flowers find you well. Love, Alexa.”_

Miles chuckled as he read the card. Hers, as always, was much classier than the one he’d sent her. His was the humorous kind. Instead of flowers, he’d gotten her a selection of sweets, which he knew she loved.

“A girlfriend?” Pauline, his mother, smiled cheekily as she made her way towards her dining room table upon which Miles had placed the flowers. “Do I know her?”

“A friend. And yes, you do. It’s Alexa.”

“Oh, how disappointing. Well, not that, but here I had hoped you would found yourself a date for tonight.”

“Mother,” said Miles, giving her a tone of complete annoyance and utter disapproval, a tone he had perfected when he’d been a teenager. A tone that expressed his displeasure at the idea of his mother being noisy, a tone that professed gratitude for her general interest in his life but at the same time conveyed a warning not to show too much interest for she may not like what she’d find. A tone that said, 'mother, I love you dearly, but please, bugger off.’

Pauline understood it perfectly. “Here’s your mail, sweetheart.”

Miles quickly flipped through the letters that had arrived for him since the last time he’d been here. Even though his official address had him residing in London, some wayward correspondence still made its way to his hometown. But between the occasional fan letter, some ads and a bunch of invitations, the stack of mail held not what Miles was hoping for ever since Alex had told him about his letter-writing habit.

He sat down, pushed the mail away, and returned to the emails he was catching up on.

“Oh, for heaven’s sake. That’s it,” said his mother, took the iPad away from him and sat down. “I’ve had it with you, son. Tell me what’s going on or I will call Alex and make him tell me! You know I will!”

Miles’s eyes went wide. “Say what now?”

“The Miles that I remember wasn’t so gloomy and sad all the time. I admit I don’t see you as often as I used to, anymore. Touring and all that – don’t get me wrong, I’m quite happy for you and very proud! But you used to come here, happy and carefree. Now you spend your free time staring out the window as though you’re waiting for Christ’s return!”

He scoffed. “That’s not what I’m doing, mom.”

“I know that. But it sure looks like it. And I’m telling you, that’s enough. I mean it. Tell me what’s causing you sorrow!”

He gave her a reluctant look, but, maybe she was right. Maybe it was time he spilled his heart to somebody? Maybe it was time for a different perspective? And his mother would offer a solution, of that he had no doubt. It was the part before that, the admitting-to-what-he-had-done, which was troubling him. “What if you don’t like what I’m about to tell you?”

“Miles, you quit school and told me you wanted to become a rockstar when you were a teenager. I honestly don’t believe it can be worse than that!”

He couldn’t help but smile. “Love you, mom. But this one’s a bit of a different problem.”

“Miles,” she warned.

And he understood perfectly. “Alright.” For a moment he considered his words. He sat up a bit straighter, attempted to appear not quite as lost as he felt, and began. “There’s this person.” For now he went with vague descriptions. He wasn’t yet sure just how much he was willing to share. “This person and I…we’ve known each other for a long while now an—”

“So this is about Alex,” concluded Pauline.

“No,” said Miles. “I didn’t say that!”

“That boy used to come here as often as you did. Now it’s been over a year since he last placed his muddy boots on my perfectly clean carpet. And even when he was here, the last few times, things weren’t as they used to. The both of you used to be glued to the hip together. I swear, last time I saw you two, you religiously avoided touching each other! Start again, dear. And don’t be shy with the details! Come now, what happened? Did you fall for the same girl?”

Involuntary laughter escaped him. “Oh, if only.” Seeing the wish to help on his mother’s face made him falter and relent. “We had sex,” Miles blurted out.

“You and the girl?”

“No, mom. Me and Alex.”

“And?”

Had she understood what he had just admitted to? “Me and Alex, mom. There’s no girl involved. Alex Turner and I, we had sex. With each other.”

“I got that part,” she dryly let him know. “I’m not stupid. I know what sex is. Was is bad? Is that what happened? I presume he was the first man you spent a night with? I’ve never seen you show any sort of romantic interest for any other man. So if this was the first time, maybe the two of you didn’t do it right?”

He wanted to say something, but for the life of all that was holy to him, he couldn’t form a single sentence. He had just told his mother that her supposedly straight son had slept with his male best friend. Instead of asking what he assumed was the world’s most obvious question, she was worried that they had struggled with the mere mechanics of it? “That’s…we…uh—”

“Words, dear. Use them. I can’t yet read your mind.”

Miles shook his head in disbelief. “It wasn’t bad, mom. That’s not the issue. It was quite the opposite, to be perfectly honest. If anything, that’s the issue! No, it’s…the issue is that I’ve…” The words were stuck in his throat. He wanted to tell her, but that meant saying them out loud. Which, in return, made all of it that much more real and tragic. And once they were out in the open, he could never unsay them. They became a fact. Undeniable. But when she reached for his hand, he closed his eyes. And gave up. “I’m in love with him. Imagine that, mom. I’ve fallen hopelessly in love with my best friend. Now what?”

“Now you let me hug you,” said Pauline, got up, pulled Miles out if his chair and squeezed him tightly against her.

He loved her more than ever in this moment. She was his rock, his unshakable foundation.

She pecked his forehead, smiled warmly at him and sat back down. “Now tell me about that night and why the two of you are no longer speaking.”

“Because he’s not in love with me,” said Miles and shrugged, helpless and out of answers. “Not even a little bit.” And it sucked, be to honest. “But that’s okay. I can handle that. I’m trying to figure out how to handle it,” he admitted. “Alex – you know him, mom. He’s bad when you confront him about his feelings. What we did, it freaked him out. He couldn’t even stay around to look at me afterwards. And now he won’t talk to me. All he says is that he’s struggling to find the right words. But that’s not even what I want. I need him to tell me that he regrets it. I need to hear it from him. To move on. And I need him to tell me that he can still be my friend.”

“Are you sure he regrets is, sweetheart? Because I always had the feeling that—”

“He walked out, in the middle of the night. Grabbed his stuff and just left. Not even a note. It happened last September. We have spoken exactly twice since that night. Trust me, I know he regrets it. He just doesn’t want to tell me. But we’re stuck. We need to talk about it.”

“Miles, I know it sucks to be in love with someone who doesn’t love you back in the same way. But you can’t wait for him to invite you back into his life. Alex is a very complicated man and you know that. If he feels as you say he does, he’ll never find the right words to break your heart, because those don’t exist. Only he doesn’t know that and so he’ll spend the rest of his days searching for them. It’s a never ending spiral. Ha! Funny,” she suddenly said, smiling. “I just quoted one of your songs!”

He rolled his eyes. “Well done, mother.”

“Oh, stop it. What I mean to tell you is this: If you want Alex back in your life, and you can be okay with having him back in your life as just as friend, then you need to let him know that you’re fine and that you can handle that. You need to let him know that his words won’t make you leave him for good.”

He thought about it. As always, his mother had valid points. Back in that dimly lit hallway in Paris, Alex had told him that he’d never wanted to hurt him. It wouldn’t surprise Miles if Alex was trying to figure out a way to break his heart without breaking it, which was impossible but 'impossible’ was a term that Alex considered stupid. “So I should go to him?”

“That’s what I would do. Tell him how you feel and tell him that, regardless of it all, you want him in your life as a friend. And if he doesn’t want that, you need to know that as well. Whatever his reply may be, I know you can handle it.”

“I’ll consider it. Thanks, mom.” He reached for his iPad, got back to the emails, but his mind lingered on her advice. If he did go to Alex, what would he tell him? Should he tell him everything? Or just tell him that it was time for them to move on? Would they have to discuss what had happened or merely agree never to mention it again?

“Out of curiosity,” wondered Pauline, “is Alex a good kisser?”

“Mother!” He wondered if all mothers were this nosy or if it was a unique trait of hers. He groaned when he noticed her eyes drilling a hole into his scull, as if trying to read his mind. “Oh if you must know, yes! He’s a bloody amazing kisser! Can we please change the subject?”

“Fine,” she agreed. “So, does all of this mean that you’re gay now?”

He grabbed the iPad and walked away. “Unbelievable!”


	12. A New Beginning

Present Day

Early March

Alex dropped his duffle bag and the carry-on carelessly into the corner of his mother’s living room before kicking off his shoes and tossing his jacket away. “It’s a fucking mess out there,” he grumbled, “so much rain and wind! Should have picked a different weekend to visit!” 

“Language, dear,” admonished his mother. “And whatever happened to the coat rack in the hallway? Has that vanished or do you expect your jacket to grow legs and walk there by itself?”

He took a deep breath, bit his tongue and forced himself to smile. “No, mother. Of course not. I’ll go hang it there right away.” His father watched the whole exchange with a subtle grin. Alex returned it just as subtly. “Any chance there’s some dinner left?”

“You’ll have to check for yourself,” Penny said, eyes drawn to the television in front of her. “Oh, I knew it! Didn’t I tell you, David? I did tell you. That actress and that musician…they were smooching around the entire time behind everyone’s back! Alex, you know him, don’t you? Tell me, is this true?”

He took a quick glance at the tv – some gossip show – and rolled his eyes as he headed for the kitchen. “I really don’t know him that well.” He knew him well enough, but telling his mother that would mean he’d have to spend the rest of the evening filling her in on all the gory details of what Alex happened to know was one very messy affair. “Couldn’t tell you.” He pulled the fridge open, noticed the giant casserole dish and the tiny little piece of lasagna that was left in it. It barely counted as more than a bite. “Did you guys eat an entire lasagna? You knew I was coming over,” he complained, his stomach rumbling. “Could have left me a bigger piece!” 

“We would have,” called Penny, “but the guys were very hungry.”

“What guys? Who else was here?” Who had dared to stroll into his home, take a seat in his chair and eat his lasagna? 

“Miles had dinner with us,” called his father. “He helped me clean out the garage and he and I worked up quite an appetite! And we really didn’t know what time you’d get here.” 

Alex heard the words dinner, garage and appetite but none of those really registered. No, his focus was directed solely on the name ‘Miles’. There was no way they were talking about his Miles, was there? 'Cause his Miles had no reason to be here. Right? His Miles wouldn’t come here, out of the blue, just to help his dad with the garage, would he? “What…who…which…Miles Kane?”

“Yes, dear,” called his mother, a hint of annoyance in her voice. “I’m trying to watch this. He’s upstairs, in your room. I told him he could wait around for you if he liked.”

Miles was here? Upstairs? Waiting for him? Alex forgot everything else and sprinted up the hallway’s stairs towards his room. He flung the door open, stepped inside and there he was indeed. In the flesh. Miles Fucking Kane. His Miles. Well, the 'his’ part of it was debatable, but it was Miles. On the floor, next to the bookshelf, his back against the side of the bed, facing away from the door. He was wearing headphones, strumming something on one of his old electric guitars which usually sat collecting dust in the corner. 

Alex didn’t know what to do. Should he make his presence known? He wanted to, but he also wanted to hear what Miles was playing. And once he’d announce himself, Miles would stop playing. Worse, maybe Miles would leave. Then what? Before he could finish his downward spiral into mental despair, Miles took off the headphones, turned around and flashed him a radiant grin. “Took you long enough to get here!” 

It was as though a bomb had detonated right in front of him. So many thoughts rushed to his head at the same time. Questions, observations, more questions! Why was he smiling at him? Why wasn’t he mad or melancholic? Why was here at all? Obviously he’d waited for him to show up, which meant he’d come all the way to Sheffield to see him! How did Miles even know he’d be in Sheffield when he’d just yesterday decided that for himself? And why on God’s green earth did he look so fucking sexy in that boring black shirt?! Alex reached out to hold on to the door’s frame, unsure what the next step would be. Miles’ presence was overwhelming him at the moment. 

“I come in peace,” offered Miles and jumped upwards into a standing position. He looked so energetic and happy that Alex wondered if he’d forgotten about a crucial moment in their badly damaged relationship. Last time Alex saw him they didn’t even shake hands after the clock had struck midnight. Now here he was, smiling like the happiest goldfish ever. Alex realized he’d yet to say a single word.

“It’s been a while,” Miles continued, straightening out his shirt and jeans as he walked around the bed, and came to a stop in front of him. “Should I reintroduce myself?” A chuckle slipped past his lips. “Hi, I’m Miles.” He held out his hand for Alex. 

And now Alex was done for. His jaw dropped, his eyes darted towards the outstretched hand and he all but collapsed against the doorframe. “Am I dreaming right now? Is this a joke?” 

Miles sighed. And dropped his hand. “It’s really me,” he assured him, a little less chipper than a moment ago. “Are you okay? Would you like to sit down?”

“Don’t make fun of me!” 

“I’m not,” professed Miles. “I’m just a bit worried. You look a little pale around the nose.”

“Can you blame me?” Alex detached from the frame and closed the door behind him, made his way past Miles and took a seat on his bed. “We barely talk for half a year and suddenly you show up, cracking jokes, looking like that?”

“Looking like what?” Miles frowned, glanced down at his attire and scrunched his nose. “A bit dusty, maybe. Helped your dad in the garage. Other than that, I think I look fine!” 

“Damn fine,” shot Alex. 

Miles smiled smugly. “Yeah?”

“Don’t!” Warned Alex sternly, even pointing a finger at him. His voice turned angry. “That’s not— We’re not at a point in our relationship where we do that!”

“Do what?”

“Fucking flirt!” 

Miles looked away, a bit of a blush on his cheeks. “I wasn’t flirting, Al. I swear. I apologize if it came across that way. It was in no way my intention to make you feel uncomfortable.” He walked up to the bed and took a seat next to him, albeit at a reasonable distance. “This is just me, trying to get past all that awkwardness. I’m nervous and jittery and I’m working without a script. I genuinely didn’t mean to upset you!”

Alex’s heartbeat slowly but steadily sank to a normal rate. He felt a little less out of place and was beginning to adjust to Miles’ presence. Knowing that he was nervous helped immensely. “Why are you here?” He asked, afraid of the answer. Did he come to end it all? Was he fed up waiting for Alex to find answers? 

“Because I bloody fucking miss you,” he admitted, repeating the words that Alex had spoken to him a few weeks ago. “Somebody had to make the first step and I know you’re still searching for the right words to say and I decided to no longer wait for you to find them.” He turned his head to look at Alex. “We really messed up, didn’t we?”

Alex met his eyes. “Big time.” It felt so strange to be near him, to have him in reaching distance. He’d longed for him so often, but now that he was actually here, he didn’t quite know what to do with that.

“Remember when we first decided to make an album together? Seems like a lifetime ago.” A distant, vague smile appeared on Miles’ lips. “I asked you what would happen if we failed, if people would laugh at it. Remember what you said to me?”

Alex tried. “You and I are too talented to fail?”

Miles chuckled. “Well, I’m sure you said that, too. But, actually, you told me that whatever happened, it would happen to us, together. We would succeed together and we would mess up together, but as long as we remained together, we would be able to handle everything.” 

The memory brought a smile to Alex’s lips as well. He kept holding Miles’ gaze, savored the warmth and the empathy he found in it. He’d barely spent a few minutes in his presence, but he could already feel the cold, winter clouds, which had kept his mood in a perpetual state of anguish, making room for the first hints of sunshine, a sunshine he had feared he might never see again.

“Back in Paris,” Miles continued, trying to find his voice and his nerves, “you told me you don’t think I regarded you kindly after what had happened. Those words have been stuck in my head ever since. You believe that this is your mess. You believe you’re to blame for all of it. That’s not true, Alex. We were both there. And we’re equally at fault. This is my mess as well. I could have told you that back then, I could have taken that burden from your shoulder, but I didn’t. I was hurt and selfish and confused, and I shouldn’t have acted that way. I hope that one day you can forgive me for that. I’m truly sorry and I promise you, I will never, ever allow you feel that way ever again!”

“I forgive you,” blurted Alex. “Done.”

“Al—”

“I mean it, Miles. I forgive you!” The next words sprung from him so rushed, so desperately, he even sounded breathless. “Do you think you can ever forgive me for walking out that night?”

“I already have,” said Miles. 

The weight of the entire moon and then some lifted from Alex’s shoulders at the sound of Miles’ words. For the first time since that night, since walking out and closing that hotel room door, Alex felt as though he could take a deep breath again. The feeling of that was beyond anything he’d ever experienced. 

“I’d like to be your friend again,” continued Miles, a little braver now, his voice a bit stronger. “But there are a few things you need to know first. And maybe a thing or two that require your forgiveness. Remember when you told me you thought I had feelings for Alexa?”

Alex blinked. “Miles…I thought we got over that years ago?”

“We never discussed it. We just forgot about it eventually. It the greater scheme of things, it was such a little, stupid thing but it haunted us, it haunted me, for so long. Because I never spoke my truth to you. I allowed things to get awkward because I didn’t want you think I’m a fool.”

Alex didn’t understand why Miles was bringing that old story up again. It had all been so weird back then. Miles had barely hung out with him for weeks and months afterwards. And a fool? Why would he ever consider him a fool?

“You asked me why I always hung around with you and Alexa instead of spending time with my girlfriend back then. I never gave you an honest answer. It wasn’t because of Alexa. I wanted to be around you. It was a time in my life where I wasn’t very comfortable with myself. I was struggling, trying to find my place in this world. When I was with you, though, I felt good and happy and a little less lost. You made me feel less lost. I should have told you all of that back then. But I was too scared that you would laugh. Not because you had ever laughed at me before. But because I was so insecure.”

“I would have never thought that of you! I would have felt honored if you had trusted me with your worries.” He would have loved him even more for it. Oh how he wanted to reach out! How he longed to touch Miles, to let his hands say what he believed his words conveyed so clumsily! “Miles…”

“I have to finish this, Al. I have to get this stuff off my chest. I don’t want to make the same mistake twice, even though I fear I already have. I can’t imagine my life without you. The last months were awful and depressing. I miss having you around. Even when we’re busy and on opposite sides of the world, I need to know that you’re never more than a phone call away. And I need to know that I can share all of my feelings with you. I want you to my friend again. I want us to be best friends again. I understand that we can’t get there right away, that it’ll take time and effort. But I’m willing to fight for our friendship. So, at the risk of sounding foolish or laughable, this is me being honest: That night in the hotel…” Miles gulped hard. “It wasn’t a drunken escapade, or a spur-of-the-moment thing. Ever since that kiss in Paris almost three years ago, the idea of you and me had been on my mind. By the time we met in that elevator, I had felt an attraction towards you for quite a while and I had fought it for just as long. But acting on it…I had never planned on doing that. I was too scared to lose you. And I almost did lose you,” whispered Miles.

Miles’ confession floored Alex. For half a year he’d thought that he’d corrupted Miles, that he’d somehow used him for his own salacious desires. It had never occurred to him that Miles had felt the same feelings he had felt. The urgency to grab his hand, to squeeze it, to reassure, was threatening to overpower him, but he didn’t dare to make physical contact. So he continued trying to express himself with words. “If you’re a fool than so am I. I must admit that the thought of you and me had also been lingering in my head for a long time. And it occurs to me just now that we need to work on our communication skills,” he joked. Or tried, at least. When Miles smiled back at him, Alex felt a bit more brave. He wrung his hands nervously. “I have felt the same attraction.”

Miles looked down at his hands, almost scared. “It hasn’t gone away,” he murmured. 

Here they were, those honest words that Alex had spent the last months searching for. And Miles was speaking them to him. It must have been so hard for his friend to admit that, thought Alex. Taking a deep breath, he swallowed all of his doubts and fears and decided to be brave as well. “No, it hasn’t gone away.”

After a moment of silence, Miles turned towards Alex and gave a slight, almost helpless shrug. “But it almost cost us our friendship,” he said, stressing that point again. “And if the last months have taught me anything, then that l do not like my life when you’re not in it. So we have to figure out a way to be friends again. If you want that,” he added.

“You doubt that?” Alex shook his head. “The last months were hell, Miles. Of course I want you back in my life! You belong in my life. It’s not my life when you’re not in it!”

“Guess that means we may need some actual boundaries, to not mess it up again,” he quipped, not joking though. “No kisses in elevators.”

“Or on stage, or anywhere else,” supplied Alex, imagining what this new form of friendship with Miles would look like. Certainly less adventurous. Far more serious. “No sharing beds.”

“Or bunks, or even chairs” Miles added. “No inappropriate touching.”

“Just the appropriate kind,” nodded Alex. “The platonic kind.”

“All platonic. Let’s try to be regular, normal, boring friends for a start.”

“And work our way back to best-friends status,” suggested Alex.

Miles nodded. “Exactly.”

Alex and Miles sat next to each other for a long while, not touching, just holding eye-contact. The platonic kind – or as much as prolonged eye-contact could could ever be considered platonic. He and Miles were friends again. Or getting there. A deep and dark cloud of sorrow slowly let go of its hold on Alex’s heart. Tiny step by tiny step, his world was beginning to right itself. Miles was back. The sun was rising again. Brighter days were ahead. All was good. Wasn’t it? 

Well, of course. Except, thought Alex, as he continued to gaze deeply into Miles’ infinite eyes, edging entirely too close to the very boundaries that had set not even a minute ago, it was also the end of his most guarded, most well-protected dream – a dream so remote and so thoroughly hidden that he had barely even put it into words. 

He’d never be with Miles again. 

He’d never again taste the softness of his lips. He’d never again feel the warmth of his breath crash against the willingness of his flesh. He’d never again experience the perfection of a night spent in his arms. And he’d never, ever know what it would feel like to wake up next to him, skin glued to skin, tangled and entwined, happy and in love. He’d never get the chance to love him as a lover.

Alex made a hard cut and shoved that dream back to the dark corner into which he’d banned it ever since it had first crossed his mind. Then he barricaded it behind boulders of granite and sprinkled the surrounding area with landmines full of memories. Memories of him and Miles not speaking. Memories of him and Miles not being part of each others lives. Memories of him missing Miles so badly that he had almost drowned in misery. At last, he cut the light, dropped a curtain and burned the directions. 

He and Miles were friends again.

That would have to be enough. More could never be and less would never suffice. And so he tried himself at being a friend. “You ate my dinner?”

Miles let out a breath and smiled. He looked so grateful. And then he grinned. “I was hungry.” 

Alex grinned, too. “Fucker.”

“Language, dear!” Shouted Penny Turner from the other side of the door. 

For the first time after a very long, very glum time, Alex and Miles shared a loud and heartfelt laugh. It felt like the start of something new. Miles got up, straightened his limbs and smiled at Alex. “How long do you suppose she’s been standing there?”

Alex dropped backwards onto the bed and covered his face with both arms. “Ugh! Probably followed me upstairs and heard everything we said.” He rolled over on his stomach, looked down the side of his bed and spotted one of his old notepads, which Miles had been scribbling into earlier. He also noticed a chewed-on guitar pick, which made him smile as he picked it up, an empty bottle of water, a pencil, headphones and the electric, which Miles had carefully placed against the bookshelf. But none of those things piked his curiosity as much as his old biology book did. The very one which he’d wanted to toss into the trash after Christmas, last year. He picked it up, flipped through it. “Hey, what did you need this for?” 

“The notes,” said Miles as he walked around the bed and sat back down on the floor next to it. He picked up the guitar. His eyes darted across the carpet.

“Looking for this?” Alex held up the pick between two fingers. When Miles reached for it, he pulled his hand back. “What notes?”

Miles’ face lit up with a saucy smirk. “Your notes.” He reached for it again. 

Alex surrendered. Miles grabbed it. Their her hands touched for the first time in months. A slow-burning, breath-stealing, mind-blowing fire spread through every last inch of Alex’s body and it took all of his strength, all of his willpower, not to fist Miles’ hair, haul his face against his and kiss the living daylights right out of him. He let go of the pick, quickly withdrew his hand and watched as the thing dropped to the floor. Then his eyes flew back up, zeroed in on Miles and he blurted out, “I didn’t flinch!” 

Miles, looking a bit dazed himself, burst out laughing. He turned back around, leaned back against the bed and rested his head against the mattress. “I fear I did,” he admitted. 

Alex rolled on his back, dropped his head next to Miles and tried hard to ignore his friend’s cologne. Damn sensual scent. If this friendship was supposed to prosper, Miles would have to stop smelling so fucking good! 

“Feels weird to touch you,” confessed Miles, fiddling with the guitar in his lap. “Gotta be honest. Not weird-weird. Just…because of…you know…and also because it’s been a while.”

“It’s been too long,” said Alex, bothered by it. “Think we’ll ever be as comfortable around each other as we used to be?”

“Sure hope so.”

“Miles?”

“Hm?”

“Will you do me a favor? You can’t ask why, because you know why, and it’s embarrassing enough that I have to ask at all, but…”

“I’ll do it,” promised Miles.

“Stop wearing that cologne.”

“The…?” Silence fell over them for a minute. “Oh. Under one condition.”

Alex frowned. “What?”

“No leather jackets when you know I’m around.”

“Okay,” agreed Alex.

“Okay,” said Miles. 

Alex aimlessly stared at the ceiling for a bit. “Oh, one more condition. You have to tell me about those notes!” He felt the mattress vibrating from Miles’ laughter. “I mean it!”

“I am being fully honest with you, Al! There are notes in this book of yours that I need.” Miles took the book and held it up. “This one is quite a good book! So informative!” 

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” Alex tilted his head to look at him. “It’s got chapters about, like, osmosis, or photosynthesis! Some shit about genetics. There’s a very graphic picture of a dead, cut-open fish in it. And not one single page of sex-ed, by the way, if that’s what you were hoping for! This book sucks! It’s a fucking old biology book. There are no notes in there that could possibly be of interest to you. I know, cause I’m the one who scribbled down all the notes that are in there!” Miles shook his head, still laughing. Alex loved the sound of it, had missed it so much. It almost made him forget that Miles was laughing at him. Almost. “Come on, Miles. Tell me! At least show me the notes you’re talking about. Tell me the chapter in which I can find them!” 

“Nope.” 

A rumbling sound filled the room. Miles looked sheepishly at his stomach.

Alex scoffed. “You got some bloody nerve to be hungry right now!”

“Hey, that was a lot of cleaning up we did in that garage. Your dad told me you were supposed to help him but your train kept getting delayed. How come you were so late? I got here by train this morning; there were no delays!” 

“No,” agreed Alex, “there were none. I told him I’d arrive late afternoon. He used you, my friend! He played you good. Did dad call you and tell you I’d be here today? Did he plan this whole thing?”

“I called your mom last night to find out where I could find you. I didn’t want to call you, since I didn’t want to have this conversation on the phone. She told me you’d be here by early morning and so I got me a ticket and came here.”

“They both played you,” concluded Alex. Miles’s stomach rumbled again. Then Alex’s joined in in solidarity. 

“Who is hungry now, huh?”

“I deserve to be hungry,” proclaimed Alex as a matter-of-fact as he hopped off the bed and stood in front of Miles, holding out his hand for him to help him get up. “I’m not the one who ate all that lasagna!”

“We left you some, didn’t we?” Miles grabbed Alex’s hand, got up and then stared at his hand as it still held on to Alex’s. 

Alex stared as well, then abruptly let go. “Still weird, right?”

“Yeah. It’ll get better.”

“Hopefully soon. I plan on publicly hugging you on your birthday,” joked Alex, “but considering all that current weirdness, onlookers might start laughing!” 

“Let’s do a test run,” suggested Miles and before Alex could even react, let alone agree or disagree, Miles had already wrapped his long arms around him and squeezed him tightly. 

It was weird. And it took him a minute to return the hug. But then it got better. And less awkward. Both became a bit less stiff and bit more comfortable. Alex wrapped his arms closer around Miles, allowed his eyes to drift close and he breathed in deeply, finding pure joy in finally being close to his Miles again. He felt the slight stubble on Miles’ cheek rubbing against that of his own and even though it was intoxicating and erotic, it was also familiar and relaxing and it made him feel like coming home after the longest, hardest day. So he ignored all that was traitorous and focused instead of all that was good and he managed. And the rest of the awkwardness went away.

They slowly let go of each other. “Not bad,” said Miles. He smiled. 

“No,” agreed Alex. “Not bad at all.” He smiled as well. “Mi?”

“Hm?”

“Thank you for coming here.”

“Anytime.”


	13. Failure

Present Day

Early March 2019

Miles woke up feeling better rested and more at ease with the world than he had felt in a long, long time. The warm rays of the early morning sun were softly warming his cheek, the pillow had taken on the perfect shape around his head and Alex’s short strands of hair were gently tickling his neck. All of that made him almost forget that he had an awful, throbbing headache. Damned Alex and his damned Vodka!

His eyes flew open. He held his breath as his view drifted towards his side, where Alex Turner, platonic friend and absolutely not sleeping-mate, was snoring softly, curled up against his side. Miles became aware that he had one arm tightly wrapped around him, keeping him impossibly close.

Oh no. Not again.

Had they not, just yesterday, promised to each other never to do this very thing ever again?

Miles took another glance at Alex. He was wearing clothes. It was the same shirt he had worn yesterday. And he himself was wearing clothes as well. And shoes, as he now sensed. His alertness began to return him. The sleepiness began to drift away.

Images of last night began to fill his head. Alex had made them omelets. Then they had played guitars for a bit. At some point a bottle of Vodka had appeared. Naturally, they had begun drinking it. Alex had spent half an hour meticulously going through the notes in his biology book, trying and failing to figure out why Miles wanted it. They had laughed and chatted and enjoyed each other’s company. At some point in the middle of the night he’d crawled into Alex’s bed. He had a vague memory of Alex crawling in with him.

And now here they were.

On the wrong side of the ‘we are just friends’-fence.

He felt movements next to him. In a wild blur of movements, Alex jumped out of bed and stood next to it, staring at Miles in shock and confusion. “Oh God! Did we…?”

“NO!”

“Good!” Alex squinted, shook his head. “It’s good, right! I mean, you know what I mean. Right? Right?!”

“Alex? We’re good. It’s good.”

“Good.”

“We need to be more careful, don’t we?” Miles couldn’t believe how reckless they had been. “The whole boundaries-thing, it’s new. We should pay more attention to it.”  
  


“Definitely,” agreed Alex and nodded. He rubbed his eyes, sat back down on the bed. Leaned back against the headboard. Looked down at Miles. And promptly jumped up again. Miles got up just as quickly. Reckless, indeed.

“Coffee,” suggested Miles. “We need coffee. Lots of it.”

Alex followed him out of the room wordlessly. Downstairs, the dining room table was set with two plates, a pot of no-longer steaming coffee rested in the middle, surrounded by toast, butter and scrambled eggs. David Turner was sitting in the corner of the room, by the window, reading the newspaper.

“Mornin’, boys. Nice of you to show up. Almost noon already.”

Had they slept that long? Miles blinked a few times, still a bit sleepy and a whole lot shaken from waking up next to Alex. His just-a-friend Alex. His very soft, warm, tempting, deliciously well-smelling, surprisingly cuddly friend Alex. The very one who was giving him a strange look just now. “Huh?”

“Did you just moan?”

Did he? Get a grip, Miles admonished himself. “No, I yawned!”

“Okay.” Alex appeared unconvinced but nonetheless busied himself with breakfast. “Will you stay today? Should we make plans?”

“No,” said Miles and was grateful for a topic which he felt much more equipped to handle at this early – or late – hour of the morning. “I hadn’t intended on staying the night,” he admitted. But he’d been unable to leave. Being around Alex after all that time apart had felt too good to give up too soon. “I’m leaving for Los Angeles tomorrow. I have yet to pack and get some stuff.” And he needed, ridiculous as it sounded, a bit of space. So much of Alex after such a long period of longing for him was overloading his senses.

“So you leave already?”

He heard the disappointment and tried to explain it to him. “Well, yeah. You know, I was offered to open for you in Mexico and figured I’d spend the days before that visiting some old friends. There’s a tv appearance I have to do as well. And the band and I haven’t played a whole set in a bit so we definitely need to rehearse.” He also hadn’t intended to be friends with Alex again at this point. The idea of spending the weekend in Mexico with him and the Monkeys had been a bit intimidating to say the least so he had planned on staying as busy as possible in the days leading up to it. Now he wished he’d some more free time on his hands. “When will you and the band head to Mexico?”

“Next week or so,” said Alex. “We haven’t fully decided yet.” He nibbled on a dry toast. “Will you be in Mexico for your birthday?”

“No, LA.” Miles wasn’t too happy about the prospect of spending that day without Alex. “We’ll have to celebrate when we meet again, then.”

“No way,” stated Alex and placed the toast away, rubbing his hands to get rid of the crumbs. “I’ll come to LA. I’ll figure it out. We’ll figure it out.”

“You have rehearsals and all that!” Miles wanted to spend his day with Alex, but he also didn’t want to be responsible for him falling behind on his band-duties. “Your tour continues soon!”

Alex waved him off. “We’ve been playing the same songs over and over again for a year. Trust me, I can do with one day less of rehearsals! I’ll be there, Miles. Gift and all.” Alex smiled. “Which reminds me, I still have your Christmas gift. Shit, where did I take it?”

Miles chuckled. “What do mean, where did you take it? And you know I don’t need any gifts from you. Having you there is more than enough, Al!”

“That’s sweet, but nonsense.” Alex snapped his fingers. “London! I took it to London! No wait…I didn’t unpack in London. I think it’s in Paris by now.”

After checking the time while Alex pondered his last stays, Miles got up. “Shit, I have to get ready. Mind if I take a shower, maybe borrow a shirt?”

Alex rolled his eyes. “Since when do you have to ask. Just go do it. My home is your home!”

“My home,” muttered Alex’s father from the corner of the room.

“Whatever,” said Alex.

“Thanks,” grinned Miles.

Mid March

“Look at you,” grinned Jamie as Miles blew out the candles of his birthday cake, “getting older and older.”

“Getting crinklier each year,” added Nick.

“Is that a grey hair?” wondered Matt.

Alex, who sat next to Miles, and across from the other Monkeys, chuckled. Some other people were there as well. It was midnight, the night before Miles’ birthday. They had all come out to LA to celebrate and party into the day for they had to leave the next one.

“Fellas, I love you all,” pronounced Miles full of joy, grabbed his glass and lifted it for a toast. “To new beginnings and a fucking amazing time!” He slung one arm loosely around Alex. All in the name of a platonic friendship, he told himself, and not because his friend looked downright fuckable in that tightly fitted shirt. Alex’s smile got bigger and Miles took that as reassurance that he hadn’t yet crossed any barb-wired, high-voltage-barred lines. So deep into the night and so far from being sober, he had to be extremely careful with where he placed his steps. One inch too far and then what?

“To the new and improved us,” said Alex quietly into Miles’ ear while everyone else busied themselves with the cake. “Happy Birthday, Miles. Will you come outside with me for a moment?”

“Of course!” His arm slipped from Alex’s shoulder but Alex caught his hand, held on to it and while he didn’t entwine their fingers as they would have done in the old days, he still grabbed them tightly. It did funny things to Miles’ stomach. 'Watch out,” chimed his conscience – a hollow and ignored warning. When they reached the patio of the restaurant, Miles gave Alex all of his attention.“What’s on your mind, Al?” He had wanted to call him 'love’, as he used to, but had stopped himself just in time.

Alex reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a small envelope. “I wanted to give you your birthday present. But I’m not sure you’ll like it so I didn’t want any witnesses!” He held out the envelope. “For you. I put a lot of thought into it!”

Miles smiled radiantly. “Is it a gift certificate for Bed, Bath and Beyond?”

“Better,” assured Alex.

“Oh, Ikea?”

“Just open it, will you?”

Miles did. And the smile fell from his face. “Alex. What have you done?” He sat down on the nearest bench and took a closer look at what he was holding. It was a post card with the image of a beach with penguins on it, and the backside read, 'One trip to Boulder Beach, South Africa, to spend a week with the penguins.’ He looked up, finding Alex nervously trying and failing to light a cigarette.

“It’s just a gift, Mi.”

Alex hadn’t called him that in half a year. What an odd little jump his heart did at that. But it wasn’t enough to distract him from Alex’s generous gift. “It’s too much!”

“Miles, trust me. I can afford it. You can afford it! I always wondered why you haven’t gone there already. You always wanted to see them.” He finally got the cigarette lit up and inhaled deeply. “It doesn’t have a fixed date. I’ll give you the official paperwork later. You can go whenever you want. And it’s for two people, so you can take a friend or…you know…somebody.” The last word he said almost inaudibly.

“There’s no somebody,” Miles pointed out right away. It mattered a great deal to him that Alex knew that.

“Doesn’t matter, does it? Someday there will be a somebody.” Alex just wouldn’t meet Miles’ eyes, no matter how hard he tried to catch his sight. “Wait until then. Or not. Go now. Take your mom. I was just trying to get you something nice. Like I said, it’s always been your dream.”

Miles’ dream was going to the most exotic place in the world, where it was either warm and sunny, or cold and snowy, or wet and stormy, and see something so remote and rare and beautiful that he would remember it for the rest of his life. But that wasn’t the part that mattered most to him. He wanted to go there with Alex. He wanted to share the memory with him. At some point he’d mentioned wanting to see penguins and it had become a thing. But he didn’t so much care for the penguins as he cared for person who’d be standing next to him once he got to them. It had become a dream he’d almost given up on last year. There were times when he doubted he’d share any kind of memory with Alex ever again.

Yet here he was. With Alex. And all he had to do was tell him to pack his bag and join him. Dream come true. Only, Alex would never know that he was part of Miles’ dream. Which, in return, made the whole dream lose all meaning.

“I do suck at gifts, don’t I?” Alex sat down next to him as a shadow of sadness cast over his face. He flipped the dead cigarette away.

Miles wrapped his arm around Alex’s shoulder, pulled him against his side and kissed his head. He knew he was pushing the boundary hard at the moment, but he felt bereft of any other option. He needed his next words to land so he spoke them as sternly as he could. “I love you. This gift is incredibly thoughtful and you’ll never know how grateful I am for it. You tried to make my dream come true. That means the world to me! But,” he spoke softly, handing back the post card, “I can’t take it.”

“Why not?” Asked Alex, not making any moves to detach himself from Miles.

“It’s too much, Alex. It’s too big. It’s not the kind of gift you and I should be making each other.”

Alex wiggled his arm free, curled it around Miles’ neck and returned the kiss, pressing his lips to Miles’ forehead. “I truly don’t understand why you’re doing it. Being honest here!” His expression got softer. “But I know you wouldn’t do it unless you got your reasons.” He finally met Miles’ eyes. Then he placed the card back into his pocket. “Can I at least invite you to a movie once we’re back in London? If you’re afraid it’ll be too big of a gift, you can pay for your own popcorn!”

A bashful grin lit up his face and he found Alex’s pouty reply adorable. “Don’t worry, babe. You can buy me all the popcorn in the world. And chocolate. And gummy bears. I’ll endeavor to be the most expensive date of your life!”

Alex laughed, all remnants of sadness gone from his face. Then he paused and met Miles’ happy expression with a one of equal parts perplexity and mockery. Alex’s one brow curved upward in that certain way that Miles found unbelievably sexy.

That was until his own words sank in, at which point he rolled his eyes. “Bloody hell! Not date, damnit! Evening. And now I actually am tempted to pay for my own popcorn!”

“Don’t you dare,” warned Alex and smirked. They still held on to each other. “Oh, hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you something. Did you take my black shirt? The one with the white stripes? I had it Sheffield, but now I can’t find it anymore. And I know you took something out of my bag. But you vanished so bloody fast that day, I hardly saw you after breakfast!”

“I had to catch the train,” said Miles defensively. “You told me to take whatever!”

“That’s my favorite shirt!”

“And it looks really good on me!” He flashed him a saucy grin. “Want it back?”

“Oh, you bet I do! Expect me to come get it later!”

“Here you are!” Matt called from the terrace door. “There’s a birthday party happening on the inside but the guest of honor has gone missing!”

“On our way,” assured Miles, grabbed Alex’s hand and pulled him along, back inside. “By the way, I also took your black alligator leather belt!”

“Fuck, Miles! I searched for hours for that thing!” Alex’s hand went to Miles’ suit jacket, pushed it upward. “Are you wearing it now? You are! I don’t believe you!” He curled his fingers around the buckle. “Give it to me right now!”

They came to a halt in a corner. Miles stopped, Alex bumped against Miles’ front and suddenly their lips were only an inch apart. Alex still held on to Miles’ belt. For a long moment the world stopped moving. It was just them, in a room full of people, who, in that very instant, all ceased to exist.

Miles could smell the liquor on Alex’s breath, felt the pulsating drum of his own heart that came with being so close to him. Alex’s fingers, glued to the belt buckle, were entirely too close to one undeniably curious part of his anatomy and when his friend’s eyes dropped down, coming to linger on his lips, Miles could feel the remnants of his self-control fighting with the legions of lust which had all come prepared for battle. “Boundary,” he whispered, damning himself for remembering just how insanely kissable Alex’s lips were. “We must keep a distance.”

Alex nodded shakily. He carefully let go of the belt. Took a step backwards. “Drink?”

“Yes!”

Three hours later, and so fucking drunk they could no longer walk straight lines, Miles and Alex stumbled down the hallway of Miles’ apartment, not singing but shouting the lyrics to one of their old tunes.

“And she tried so hard,” went Alex.

“To steal away from the Meeting Place,” followed Miles.

“Steer away.” Alex halted. “Door!”

“Why should I steer away from my door?” His mind was too foggy for Alex’s vague remark. “Be more specific. I’m very drunk!”

Alex laughed. A drunken, gigglish laugh. “Lyrics, Mi. Steer away. Not steal away. However,” he said, holding up a finger to emphasize his words, “steal away would work. Or not?” He blinked once. Twice. “What were you saying?”

Miles frowned. “I don’t know. What was I saying?” The hallway began to spin. “We should get inside. I think the floor is about to give out. I swear I just saw it move!”

“The floor?” Alex shook his head. Then his hand shot out, holding onto Miles’ shoulder. “Oh, I saw it too! It’s a trick floor! Must be.”

“I’ve heard of those,” said Miles. “Why won’t you open the door?” He gave Alex a disapproving look. Time was running out on them. Although he couldn’t say why. His thoughts were very confusing at the moment.

“It’s your place.”

“I live here?”

Alex nodded.

“Oh. Oh, I have to unlock then!” And he did. Or tried. Tried again. And, at long last, succeeded. “Voila! Ooh, that’s a french word. I just spoke French!”

Loud, vibrating laughter bursted from Alex. “Well done, Miles. Well done!” And he stumbled inside.

Miles followed him into the apartment, got rid of his jacket and kicked off his shoes. “Good night!”

“Wait, Mi. My belt!”

“Right!” He lifted his shirt, undid the buckle and pulled it out of the loops with one swift move before holding it out for Alex. His friend looked at him with heavy, lidded eyes, an expression of dark, vicious hunger on his face. “Why are looking me like I’m a chocolate cake?”

Alex licked in lips and gulped. Which, in return, made Miles zoom in on Alex’s mouth. His perfectly shaped, undoubtedly warm and luscious mouth. “You look at me like I’m a bloody burger,” retorted Alex and took a step towards him. “I want my shirt, too!”

“What shirt? This shirt?”

“No, my shirt. My favorite shirt.” Another step. Alex pressed his still outstretched but until now forgotten finger into Miles’ chest. “Black shirt. White stripes. You took it, you thief.”

“Only cause it smells of you,” confessed Miles. “Oh, I said that out loud, didn’t I?” His eyes dropped to where Alex was touching his chest. “You mustn’t tell yourself this, it’s a sinful secret, and you and I friends, so we don’t share sinful secrets,” he whispered, “but I so very much like the way you smell!” His head dipped down a little bit, his forehead now touching Alex’s. “I really, really, really like the way you smell.”

Alex’s flattened his palm against Miles’ front, began rubbing up and down in small, languid strokes. He pressed his nose against that of his friend. “I miss how you used to smell,” admitted Alex, his voice low and husky. “But you changed your cologne.”

“Cause you told me to,” Miles reminded him.

“I know. I’m stupid like that.”

Now both of Alex’s hands travelled across the planes of Miles’ upper body, wrecking havoc on Miles’s control. In the very far, dimly lit part of his head where his self-control was drifting off to sleep and his better judgement was struggling to remain awake, his wild desires crept from the shadows. Having Alex touch him like this was like a jolt of pure, uncontrollable energy. Every carefully sedated fiber of desire was shocked back to life.

Alex curled a hand around Miles’ neck, dug his nose into his skin, tempting Miles to let go of the reigns and allow his arousal to run free. When Alex began to nuzzle along Miles’ jawbone, then lower, near his earlobe, Miles closed his eyes, holding on the last shards of control. “Boundaries,” he reminded him in a voice so hoarse and strained he barely recognized it as his own.

“I’m not breaking boundaries,” claimed Alex in a bold-faced lie, with a tone that betrayed all pretense. “I’m just trying to figure out if I like your new cologne.”

“Figure it out faster,” begged Miles.

He felt Alex smile against the overly sensitive skin just behind his earlobe. “Why?”

“Cause I’m about to lose it.”

Alex detached from Miles, met his eyes, but couldn’t focus on them. His gaze kept dropped to Miles’ lips. Alex touched his cheek, angling his head with one hand as he took hold of Miles’ tie with his other one, grabbing it near the knot, fisting it. “Lose it, then.”

A heartbeat passed. And then they were kissing. Wild, reckless and uncontrollable. There was nothing slow and soft or even tender about it. Just open mouths, wet tongues and filthy, dirty lust at its finest. Miles found himself pushed up against the back of his sofa, digging into the soft hair of Alex’s outgrown buzzcut, craving his friend’s kiss so utterly, so absolutely, that he couldn’t even stop to undress him.

And that’s when it hit him.

Here they were. Again. Six months later. Doing the same fucking thing. A wave of nausea and disgust overcame him and he pushed Alex off him. “Stop! Stop, damnit!”

Alex stumbled backwards, dazed and breathless.

“Fucking hell,” shot Miles, burying his face in his hands. When Alex made a move towards him, Miles quickly moved away, around the sofa. A physical barrier was exactly what he needed. “What are we doing?”

Alex, still looking lost, shrugged. “What we both wanted?”

“What we— Are you fucking kidding me? We’re barely back to being friends, Alex! No kissing, we said.”

“I know!”

“Then why are we fucking kissing?!”

“'Cause you were there and I was there and…” Alex rubbed his face. “Damnit, Miles! Do you have any idea how hard it is not to kiss you? It’s all I can think about. All day. All night. All the fucking time! When you’re in reach, when I all I have to do is grab you, it becomes impossible not to do it. I know we said we would keep a distance. But had I no idea it would be so bloody hard! I want to follow our rules but…Miles, it has never been this way before! I’ve never longed so completely, so overwhelmingly for anyone in my life. I’m fucking starving for you! And I know you don’t understand what I’m talking about but—”

“Every single cell in my body craves you, Alex.” Miles wanted to laugh. Not understand him? Oh, how fucking ridiculous that idea was! “There are moments when I want you so badly I could tear out my hair! I wake up in the middle of the night and find myself screaming into my pillow cause I’ve dreamt about you and I’m fucking hard and you’re just not there to have! So don’t you dare tell me I don’t understand what you’re talking about!”

Alex made his way around the sofa. “If I want you and you want me, why can’t we—”

“'Cause it will ruin our friendship and you know it!” As if he hadn’t thought about it! As if the thought of just giving in to his needs didn’t cross his mind every minute, every hour, every day! But it would never be enough. It wasn’t the physical act of being with Alex that satisfied him so greatly – even though it was very well-satisfying! – it was the act of being _with Alex_. It was the act of being entwined with the one the person that knew him inside and out. It was the act of sharing immense pleasure with the one person he knew inside and out.

What Alex suggested would no doubt please his body. But it would drain his soul and lay waste to his heart. It would kill him slowly. And it would lead to the bitter end of a beautiful friendship. Miles sat down on the sofa, staring at Alex, hoping he understood any of it. “You and I aren’t made to for something like that. And I will never risk losing you for just a bit of sex!”

Alex dropped down next to him. “I don’t remember how we used to do this, Miles. We’ve been best friends for almost half of our lives. Until now, we’ve never had a need for boundaries and lines. What changed?”

“Nothing changed.” The haze from the liquor began to settle and the lingering adrenaline from almost detonating his renewed friendship with Alex had helped him regain some control of his mind. But his body was tired. His limbs felt heavy. His muscles were sore, almost as if he’d run a marathon. “Think about it, Alex. You say we never needed any lines? We built a bloody minefield! But we didn’t place it around our hands and lips. We locked our hearts in. We always pretended that all we did was play around. We pushed each other. We were reckless. There’s a reason you never stayed the night when we shared a bed, even if it was just for sleep. There’s a reason we don’t ever explain our lyrics or question each other about them.”

Averting his eyes, getting up, then pacing the room, Alex struggled and Miles could tell. But wasn’t it time they talked about this? Alex stopped to stare at the ceiling, then squeezed his eyes shut. “There isn’t a line or a word in any of all that I’ve ever written that—there’s nothing that ever needed to be locked off!”

“Golden Trunks. Is it about me?”

Alex shot him a look of crimson anger. “I know that she told you that it is. There’s no reason to rehash this!”

“That’s what I’m fucking talking about, Alex! This is you, drawing big, fat line.”

“What do you want me to fucking say, Miles? Huh?! Do you need me to spill it out for you? Yes, okay? Yes, I, Alex Turner, fantasize about you. How’s that a new information?” he asked full of biting sarcasm.

“You broke up with the woman whose name you had inked on your arm over a line in a song that barely anyone even knows!”

“So did you,” Alex snapped irately. Then he walked up to Miles, to tower in front of him. “You want honesty? Tell me what you and Taylor were fighting over two years ago!”

Miles looked away. “You really don’t want to know.”

“Oh, I do!”

_2017_

“_I owe you an apology.” Miles took a seat next to Taylor by the pool of Alex’ LA home. Alex was in the midst of a discussion with some other people which had come to one of his impromptu-barbecues. The other Monkeys were in town as well, all busy with recording their new album. Taylor crossed her arms as she met Miles’ eyes. He sighed. “I mean it, T. I did something that I shouldn’t have done for a vast variety of reasons. But most importantly, I shouldn’t have done it because he wasn’t mine to kiss. I’m sorry.”_

“_To be perfectly honest, I couldn’t care less about the kiss.” She looked away, distracted by some noises coming from the pool. She kept her attention there. “You broke Hannah’s heart.”_

“_I know.” He looked elsewhere, too, now. “And she knows I never intended for it to happen. That’s doesn’t take away from what I did, though. It was a bad—”_

“_Her heart was doomed when you asked her to be your girlfriend,” said Taylor, startling Miles. “And so was mine, by the way, when I asked him out and he said yes.” _

“_Taylor,” tried Miles, but she held up her hand to stop him._

“_No, I’m not done. You and Alex have fans, did you know? Fans who care less about your music and more about your personal relationship? At first I found it funny, even a bit cute. Then I observed the two of you on tour. On stage. I even saw him snuck out of your room once, in the middle of the night, in a bathrobe, when I came to surprise him. I never told him that.”_

“_He fell asleep on the bloody couch,” lied Miles, annoyed. He felt caught. A strange, irritating emotion. _

“_Fucking liar!” She shot loudly._

“_Would you calm down,” Miles hissed. “There are other people here!”_

“_Why should I care? Are you suddenly worried people might get the wrong idea about you and Alex?” She tossed out a bitter laugh. “I don’t believe that you played Hannah or that he’s pretending to care for me. But deep down,” she told him as she stared into his eyes, “you know there’s something more going on. Tell me that I’m wrong. Tell me that it’s all just make-believe for the fans. Tell me!” _

_He couldn’t tell her._

“_Here’s why the thought of me didn’t keep you from kissing my boyfriend: you think he belongs to you. You consider him yours. Want to apologize? Apologize for that.”_

_They sat in silence for a while and Miles let her words sink in. He had to give it to her, she did struck a nerve. And it made him angry. It unraveled him that she read him so well, even though he worked so bloody hard to keep those feelings to himself. It pissed him off that she had the nerve to state so bluntly what he himself tried so hard to deny. And it annoyed him that she looked so fucking smug about it. _

“_No apology?” Taylor smirked. “Must bother you that he hasn’t broken up with me yet.”_

_Miles bit his tongue, tried to be better than her, tried to fight his urge to sink low. He knew that she was hurt. He knew it was his fault. _

“_Guess my kiss tastes better than yours.”_

_And he lost the fight. “Every night he didn’t spend in your arms,” whispered Miles, leaning into her to make sure she was the only one who heard, “he spent in mine.” Then he got up, grabbed his jacket and left. _

Present Day

Alex watched him impatiently. “Seriously, Miles. I want to know!”

“There goes our friendship,” murmured Miles and got up, to walk over to the window. He lit himself a cigarette. “Short version? I apologized, she said some stuff I didn’t want to hear and I said something to shut her up and make her feel bad.”

“You insulted her?” Alex sounded so surprised. “She would have told me that. And you don’t insult people! You’ve never done that!”

“It wasn’t an insult, okay? It was a lie. Or not.” He rolled his eyes, met Alex’s. “Why is that so important now?”

“'Cause ever since that argument she believed that you and I were in love.”

Miles wanted to laugh so badly. It was all so insanely ridiculous. He was in love with Alex. And he let Taylor believe that had spent countless nights 'with’ Alex. As his lover. Which, in a sense, wasn’t even a lie! He loved him and he had spent the nights with him. Only, he hadn’t known then that he was in love with Alex. Or had he? Had he known all along? Had he been in love from the very beginning? And had Taylor been right after all? Had he really considered Alex to be his, for all that time? “Would you believe me when I tell you I have a headache?”

Alex frowned. “Why wouldn’t I believe that, Miles? What’s going on?”

“I’m finding it difficult to believe my own words, lately.” He turned his head to find Alex standing next to him, a concerned look on his face. “I find myself saying one thing and then end up doing the other. I tell you I want to be your friend and then I kiss you. I ask you for honesty and I find myself unable to respond with the same. I tell we can’t kiss again and then…I do this.” He cupped Alex’s face, cigarette still tugged between his fingers, and kissed him.

But it wasn’t fast, or hard, or anything their kisses usually were. It was slow, and gentle, and his heart broke splinter by splinter with each languid stroke of his tongue. He felt Alex’s hands and arms as they made their way around his torso, bringing them closer. What a dangerous kiss this was, not lacking of lust yet fed with feelings. It was a kiss of love, and his friend allowed it to happen, allowed him to have it. Miles felt horrible. After a last lingering moment, he let go and stepped back. “I’m not ready to be around you again.”

Alex leaned against the window, hazy and dark-eyed. Completely out of it. “What?”

“Don’t you see, Al? I can’t control it yet. It’s exactly as you said, impossible not to kiss.”

“Let’s work on that together, then!”

“How’s that going to work? We sit in a room and applaud ourselves for every minute we spent not making out?” He sad, self-deprecating chuckle slipped from his lips.

“I just got you back in my life. I won’t let you walk out of it, just because it’s complicated and hard and requires effort!”

“You want a reason to let me go? Let me give you one. I told Taylor we fucked on the regular.”

A few seconds ticked down. And then? Then Alex combusted in laughter. Loud, rumbling, tears-streaming-from-the-eyes laughter. “That’s what that was all about?” More laughter. “Oh that explains so much!” More laughter still.

Miles jaw all but dropped. “Why is it so funny? I don’t get it.”

Alex shrugged. “I have no idea!” He wiped the tears from his eyes, still amused. “I just find it hilarious that the two of you made such a big fucking thing out of it, but she wouldn’t even come to about it!”

“Well,” added Miles, “she also said I was in love with you.”

“You’re not,” said Alex. The amusement died down. “Trust me, I know that.”

Miles didn’t respond to that statement. How could Alex be so firm in his belief of it, wondered Miles, considering the kiss they had just shared. And what a testament to Alex’s own lack of romantic notions towards him, thought Miles further. He had, after all, returned the kiss as tenderly as Miles had given it. To do that, without love? How different two people could be, he marveled.

“I meant what I said, Al.” Miles turned towards him.

“So did I,” said Alex. Sternly. “You and I are friends. And we’ll remain friends. Damn all this attraction nonsense. Let’s take smaller steps then. Let’s not get drunk together. That seems to lead to no good. God, Miles! We won’t even see that much of each other at any rate! I’m stuck on tour with the Monkeys and you have all your gigs across the bloody ocean! You want separation? There you have it! For crying out loud,” he groaned in frustration, “let’s do a fucking long-distance phone friendship until I’m back home!”

“I can’t perform with you in Mexico.”

Alex rolled his eyes. “Come on, Miles! It’s not even a Puppets song! It’s fucking 505! We always do that together when we’re in the same city! Huddle near Matt, Nick or Jamie if you need to!”

“It’s not about that, Al.”

“It’s been months, Miles. And it’ll be our last chance to share a stage for a very long time!”

“Alex, I can’t.” The last time they shared a stage together, it left him on the brink of a breakdown. The time before that, it had been odd already. And at that time, they hadn’t even done the deed! He wasn’t ready to find out how it would feel now. What if the spark was gone? What if there was nothing but awkwardness? Or worse, unease? “Someday, but not yet.”

“I can’t force you, can I?” Alex was, without a doubt, disappointed. And he looked as exhausted and as done with it all as Miles felt. “Seriously, Miles. This has to be the worst birthday of yours we’ve ever celebrated!” He returned to the sofa and leaned back. “We gotta do better next year!”

“We will,” promised Miles and leaned back against the window, hands in his pockets. He spotted the clock on the wall and yawned. “Almost five am already. Time to sleep. It’s been a long day.”

Alex shook his head disbelievingly and got up. “Smooth, Kane. Real smooth!” He picked up his jacket from the floor, put it on and tipped his head at Miles. “Keep the belt and the shirt. I’ll collect it in London once we’re back.” In the doorway, he haltered one last time. “Will I at least see you in Mexico?”

Miles nodded.

Alex nodded, too. And then he was gone.


	14. Words

Present Day 

April 2019

Alex sat in the back of the chartered jet, on route to Argentina with the rest of the Monkeys. Matt and Jamie were joking around in the front while Nick had fallen asleep half an hour ago. He’d like to get some rest as well, but it just wouldn’t come to him. Instead, he kept checking the time. Still too early to call, wasn’t it? “Fuck it,” he murmured and pressed dial. 

Miles picked up after the first ring. 

“Good morning, Miles. This is Alex, calling for our fourth, scheduled ‘let’s have a phone friendship’-call. How are you this morning?” The disdain for their situation, but mostly for Miles’ idea of a separation, dripped from every syllable. 

“You ever start a conversation with me like that again,” snipped Miles from across the ocean, “I’ll hang up. Got it?”

Alex rolled his eyes. “Too early for your sense of humor, ey?”

“No,” retorted Miles. “But this is the fourth time you call me and use that passive-aggressive tone of yours and you know how much that tone pisses me off, which means you’re doing it on purpose. You’re mad at me and I get it, okay? You don’t like this. Well, guess what?” said Miles as his voice got louder, “I don’t like it either. But it is what it is. And for what it’s worth, you and I are busy. You’re doing your tour and I’m doing mine, so it’s not as though I’m stopping us from hanging out at some beach or whatever!”

Alex knew that. He knew Miles was busy. He was busy, himself. And if fucking annoyed him that he hated that fact. He ought to be enjoying it. It was the last leg of their tour and it had been a good tour! He should be having the time of his life at the moment. Instead he felt trapped. Worse, he felt shut out of Miles’ life. “That’s not what I’m saying! But you’re the one who decided that we need distance. And then you fucking kicked me out of your apartment! So excuse me for being a little bitter about that!” 

“I didn’t kick you out, Al.”

“Yes, you did. Call it whatever you want, but that’s what it was.” After that night, they hadn’t spoken for half a week aside from the occasional and impersonal text message. And Mexico had been no different. Miles had barely spent any time with him and when he had, they had always been around other people. Never alone. “You’re treating me as though all of this is my fault.”

Silence fell over them. A few moments passed before Miles spoke up. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t my intention.” Another beat. “You’re different than I am. I always worry and my head is filled with different scenarios of all that could go wrong. You let your heart guide you. You’re reckless. And I don’t mean that in a bad or mean or insulting way. I’m just trying to explain myself. I fear I’m not doing well with that.”

Alex leaned back, closed his eyes. “Are you blaming me for that kiss?”

“No, no.”

“Sounds like it, Mi.”

“You told me to lose control, Al!”

“So you are blaming me!” He took offense. “I was caught up in a moment,” Alex reminded him. “You’re the one who kissed me all slow and…” The memory of it caused a shiver to run up his spine. “You know well enough how you kissed me!” 

“I know what I did,” snapped Miles. “Why the fuck do you think I’m staying away from you, huh? I told you I can’t control it.”

“Stop punishing me for that,” bit Alex back. 

Silence fell over them again. Alex took a few deep breaths, rubbed the weariness from his eyes and leaned forward, propping his heavy head up on his hand. 

“I feel like I’m losing my mind,” admitted Miles, breaking the quietness. “I don’t want to snap at you. Alex, I miss you! But all it takes is one look at you and all my resolve melts away.”

“So does mine,” said Alex defensively. “I wasn’t trying to seduce you,” he whispered, occasionally remembering that he wasn’t alone on that plane. “But whenever we’re that close, I just forget everything else. My mind blanks and all that’s left is…you know what!” He sat up straight again. “You barely talked to me in Mexico. You treated me like a stranger! That hurt.”

“Louise was there!” Miles shot back. “That—”

“That what?” demanded Alex to know when Miles abruptly stopped speaking. 

“I didn’t want to be in the way,” finished Miles, using words that Alex could tell were chosen carefully. 

“That’s not what you wanted to say, Miles! Don’t lie to me!” 

“It fucking hurt, okay? Happy now? Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Was it? Alex didn’t know. If that’s what he wanted to hear, didn’t that also imply he had purposely paraded her around in front of Miles? Had he done that? Was he that sick of a bastard? Had he been that bitter about Miles’ wish for a bit of space? And how could he have known that her presence would hurt him? “That’s not…”

“Damn it, Al! What are we doing?”

“I don’t know, Mi.”

“You know, yesterday, I was actually looking forward to our call. I had this idea for a riff that I wanted to share. And Victoria told me a joke that I thought you’d really like. I wanted to tell you that my coffee maker broke. I knew you’d be happy to hear that, since you hate that thing so much! All this stuff that real friends talk about.”

Alex would have loved to hear all that. “Then why were you so grumpy when you picked up?” 

“Cause I had just woken up from a dream.”

“And?”

“And you’re not here,” confessed Miles.

Alex felt his eyes grew heavy and his skin turn hot. How he wanted to be there, in bed, with Miles! This early in the morning, the pillows and sheets would be warm and soft and Miles would be, too. He would be sleepy and he would have that lazy, subtle little smile on his face that always let him know that he had dreamt well. Alex would wiggle closer towards him, maybe brush his leg against his dick to tease him just the slightest bit. And he would kiss him. He’d take his time and be tender, until he would know that Miles was awake. Then he would kiss him harder, deeper, vigorously. He’d roll on top of him, grab his arms, pin him down and…

Alex shook his head, swallowed hard. “Oh,” was all he could reply.

Miles seemed to understand. “Exactly.” 

“Should we hang up?” asked Alex, unsure how to handle this whole mess.

“Not yet,” pleaded Miles. “Tell me about your day. Tell me boring things.”

Alex turned to stare out of the window and found the endless horizon staring back at him. “The hotel staff temporarily lost one of Nick’s guitars,” he began and took Miles step by step through the day’s events. They talked for another hour, about benign little things that carried no meaning at all. At the end of his story about how the Monkeys’ driver got lost on his way to the airport, Alex could hear the hoarse, breathy sound of Miles’ soft snores. 

The desire to be lying next to him in that moment became almost unbearably painful. That feeling of being stuck returned to him. And there was nothing he could do to make it go away. “Sleep well, Mi,” whispered Alex and ended the call. 

Two weeks later. 

“You really don’t mind if I toss all those guitars into the trash?”

Huh? What? Of course he would mind! These were his guitars! Alex shook his head, turned to stare his father with a look of shock. “Why would you want do that?”

“Jesus Christ!” said David Turner and placed the heavy box with old cables and what-nots onto the floor. “You were listening, then!”

Alex rolled his eyes as he wiped the dirt from his hands. “Yes. Sorry, dad. Got a lot on my mind today.” Even though it was a chilly spring day, he was sweating nonetheless. “How many more boxes are there?” He tried not to sound as annoyed as he felt. “I thought you and Miles already did the heavy lifting?”

“We did a lot of it,” said his dad as he picked the heavy box back up. “But there’s a whole lot of stuff in this garage that I want out. And then we have to paint the ceiling. Else we can’t begin to build the new racks.”

“We?” asked Alex, with dread. 

“You said you were staying for a bit!” 

Only because his mother had promised him that there was no home-improvement planned for the duration of his stay. Otherwise he wouldn’t have shown up. Played. By his parents. Once again! Story of his life. “You know I could pay for people to do all that for you? I’d be happy to!” He’d pay a fortune not to have to do the work himself! 

“Where’s the fun in that, son?” He handed the heavy box to Alex. “Go put that with the other stuff. Your mother and I are very appreciative of the fact that you so generously want to spend your hard-earned money on us, but every once in a while she and I like doing a bit of the work ourselves!”

Why, Alex would never understand. But what choice did a son have than to buckle up and help! So he went and put the box with the other stuff. 

“Want to tell me what’s on your mind?” asked David as he rummaged through a bucket filled with nuts, bolts and screws. 

“You’ll never need those again,” pointed Alex out, only to receive a stern glare in return.

“You don’t know that!” He picked the bucket up and handed it to Alex. “Go put that—”

“With the other stuff,” finished Alex. Bloody thing weighed a ton! “Nice of you to offer your ear but…” 

“I’m not your mother?” His father chuckled. “She may understand the matters of your heart a bit better than I do, but you’ve been glum and moody for almost a year now. If her words haven’t helped you by now, maybe it’s time you give me a chance.”

Alex smiled. And felt bad. He had great parents, didn’t he? He shouldn’t have spent the day bitching about helping with the garage. “How about a break, dad? Do you want something to drink?”

“A coffee would be quite welcome at the moment. There’s a new coffee machine in the kitchen but I don’t know how to work it. Would you mind?”

“Of course not. Plain black coffee?”

“No,” grinned David. “Café latte with foam, please. Thank you, son.”

A what now? Alex shook his head as he made his way inside. And then he saw it. In the corner, by the fridge. A big, tacky, bright red machine with a blinking LCD display, a few gaudy chrome buttons and two empty mugs waiting to be filled. Oh, it had to have been him! There was no way his parents would ever buy themselves something as big and ridiculously expensive as this thing. And it was expensive! He knew, ‘cause he’d been there, four years ago, when Miles had went and gotten himself the previous model of that fucking coffee monster! Who had ended up carrying that stupid thing up the three flights of stairs to Miles’ apartment that day? Well, not Miles! He’d been busy carrying the Saint Laurent bag filled with a new pair of shoes!

Alex made his father his desired cup of coffee, then went back to the garage. “Here.”

“Thanks.”

“When did he drop by?”

David looked up mid-sip. “Who?”

“Miles. When he did drop by? He’s the one who got you that fucking coffee machine, isn’t he? He knows how much I hate those. He’s getting a kick of letting me suffer!” 

“It’s a coffee machine, Alex. Don’t be dramatic. And if you must know, it was Miles. He came by last week. Called it a very belated Christmas present. Your mom already fancies herself in love with that machine.” He chuckled at that. “It’s a little big, yes. But quite efficient! And very good at its job. I’ve never tasted coffee that good! Why don’t you like it? You love coffee.”

A simple coffee maker got the job done just as well. And if one wanted fancy coffee, then one could walk to a coffee shop and get it. The idea of putting overly big machines into a kitchen was beyond him. Also, it annoyed him that Miles hadn’t told him that he’d dropped by his parents’ home, even though they had spoken on the phone a few times since. It annoyed him almost as much as the fact that his parents had actually gotten to see him, while he was stuck on the bloody phone with him. 

David sat down on an old wooden chair in the corner, taking another sip. “Very good coffee, indeed. When you’re done with those two boxes, we should call it a day. It’s already late and we’ve yet to find something to eat. I told your mother I’d fire up the grill, but I’m not sure we’ve got anything to put on it. By the way, will you ever tell Miles that you’re in love with him?”

Alex was in the midst of lifting yet another, even heavier box when his father’s words sank in. It slipped right out of his hands and he barely managed to jump away in time to avoid having it land on his feet. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I fear we’re out of steaks.” When Alex met his eyes, David smiled warmly. “Talk to me about Miles, son.”

“I got to hand it to you, in terms of bluntness, mom got nothing on you!” 

“Don’t tell her. Let that be our secret.” He grinned. 

Alex sat down on the now ignored box. “How do you know?”

“Aside from the obvious? That boy has spent the last ten years or more walking in and out of our house as though he lived here. Then his visits become less frequent. Eventually they stop. And, coincidentally, at the same time you become a hollow shell of your former self.”

At that, Alex scoffed. He wasn’t a shell, was he? A little preoccupied with his thoughts, maybe. “That’s a bit dramatic, don’t you think?”

“Am I wrong?”

Well…he had been distant lately. And downtrodden. And maybe he had listened to a few too many depressing songs, realized Alex. He shook his head and admitted defeat. “No.”

“The pictures hurt you, haven’t they?”

“How the fuck do you know about the pictures?” Alex had been on the plane back from South America, on route to London to visit Miles, as friends did. The tour was done. He had also planned on visiting his parents. The entire thing had been completely above brow and Miles wouldn’t have been able to take offense or accuse Alex of breaking another one of Miles’ ridiculous and annoying boundaries! 

But on the plane, he had gotten bored. It had been a very long flight. So he had checked the Daily Mail gossip page. And there they had been. Pictures of Miles with his former girlfriend, partying in a club, huddling together, whispering to each other, smiling at each other. It had hurt. Badly. But he wasn’t allowed to take offense, to be hurt, was he? He had a girlfriend in France, waiting for him to return. And Miles was single so his friend had done nothing wrong! However, that didn’t change a thing. No matter how often he had tried to explain it to his heart since then, the stupid just wouldn’t listen and stubbornly kept hurting. So Alex had traveled directly to his parents, instead. 

“I saw them on Twitter,” explained David, pulling Alex out of his thoughts. 

“What?!” His dad was dropping bombshell after bombshell!

“How am I supposed to keep up with what the bunch of you are doing?” David asked indignantly. “I’d like to know it if one of you does something that might require a few stern words or a compliment. Twitter is quite efficient to stay on track.”

“You don’t know how to work the coffee machine but you know Twitter?” 

“You don’t know how to work Twitter but you know the coffee machine!” Retorted David. 

Point taken. Alex sheepishly looked away. 

“When Miles visited, back before you all went on tour,” Alex’s father continued, “I could see the light return to your eyes. You were laughing and playing guitar and enjoying life a little more. I’m not blind, Alex. I watched you on tour together. I’ve seen you around each other. I don’t wrap myself around my best friend when we hang out. We don’t kiss each other’s cheeks all the time. I don’t hold his hand when I walk with him through the house. I can see the look in your eyes when Miles is near. Whenever you think he caught you staring at him, you quickly look away, even blush, and crack a silly joke that nobody but Miles finds funny. Your mother and I have shared quite a few giggles over that.” He was giggling now. “For what it’s worth, I’ve never seen Miles look at anyone the way he looks at you.”

Wouldn’t it be nice if it were true? But it wasn’t. And his father was imagining things, sad though that was. “Miles and I…he and I…” Alex struggled to find the right words. As always! “We’re both male.”

“I hadn’t noticed,” deadpanned his father.

Alex groaned. “I’m trying to say…I mean…for as long as I’ve known him, I never worried about going too far and crossing a line. I never thought there were lines to cross. Because, well, I mean…we had girlfriends. It never occurred to me that…”

“You thought that, because he’s a guy, you could get close to him without risking your heart?”

“Relationships end. Friendships are supposed to last forever. I never meant to fall in love with him. I never thought I would. I never even thought I could, because he’s a guy! But it’s becoming clearer to me these days that my heart never cared for that. I think I may fallen in love with him at first sight.” He gave his father a helpless, hopeless shrug of his shoulders. “The other stuff…the attraction, the physical…ugh, it’s really hard to talk to you about this,” admitted Alex and looked at the ceiling, blushing hard. “It’s always been there. I just never noticed it before. At least not like I do now. But now that I have, I can’t…un-notice it, even though I want to un-notice it so badly.”

David got up, put the empty mug away, and took a seat next to his son. He wrapped an arm around his shoulder, gave it a squeeze and pulled him against his side. Alex placed his head on his father’s shoulder, closed his eyes and just reveled in the comfort he was receiving. “It’s so complicated now.”

“Now? Did something happen between the two of you?” 

Alex marveled, and would forever remain grateful, at the fact that his father was utterly unfazed by the fact that his supposedly straight son had just admitted to being in love with a man. His dad was treating it as the most normal thing in the world. It allowed him to be more honest than he believed himself capable of. “He and I…we did…you know what…last year. It got messy after that.”

“How?”

“I got scared. I had all this feelings,” Alex said quietly, scooting closer into his father’s arms. Who would have thought that, at over thirty, a parent’s embrace could still be so wonderful. “I didn’t know what to do or how to react and I ran. That’s when we stopped speaking. When he came here, we agreed to be friends again. And only that. Only friends. But it’s much harder than I thought!”

“Tell him that,” suggested David.

Alex chuckled sadly. “I have, I think. Miles doesn’t want to be with me. He’s not in love with me. I can handle that. It hurts, but I can handle it. We agreed we’d never do that thing again because it would ruin our friendship. He said he would never risk losing me for a bit of sex. And I love him even more for that.”

“You got it bad, don’t you?” He gave Alex another squeeze. And smiled widely. “But it all sounds so sad and tragic when you tell it. It doesn’t have to be!”

Alex was stunned. “How can it not sound that way? I’m madly in love with my best friend who doesn’t love me back!”

“Alex, come on. Get up, son. Let’s go shopping. We’ll get burgers and fries and that green stuff that your mother likes so much when we eat it.”

Alex followed his father towards the car. “Vegetables?”

“Precisely.”

“Dad, wait! What just happened? I tell you why I’m sad and you smile and want to go shopping? What did I miss?”

“The answer,” smirked David. He came to a stop in front of the car, turned towards his son and gave him a quick hug. “Everything you’re trying to figure out is already in here,” he said and tapped Alex’s forehead with one finger. “Take a break with me, clear your head, and then, when I grill the steaks and you finish up in the garage,” he interjected, “you go and ponder what you just told me. And I guarantee you, it’ll make you feel better and show you what to do next. I’m serious about the steak, though. I am hungry!” 

“If you think you know the solution to all my troubles, why won’t just tell it to me?”

“There are a few things in life that one needs to figure out for one’s self, son. You wouldn’t believe me anyway,” said David as he got into the car. “You’re coming?”

Alex groaned but got in. 

“Remind me, we need milk and cocoa powder as well. And those white foamy sweets.”

“Marshmallows?”

“Yes! Your mother loves those with her hot chocolate. I’m telling you, that coffee machine is the best gift we’ve ever gotten! It’s so versatile!” 

I once bought you a car, Alex wanted to point out. But whatever! Stupid coffee machine. Stupid, single Miles and his stupid, fancy coffee machine! 

Later that night, Alex all but sprinted across his old bedroom when his phone rang. “You got ‘em a bloody coffee machine!?” It truly did bother him!

He heard Miles’ laughter. “I needed a new one, I told you! And they had one on sale. It was a really good deal, so I got it for your parents. You should be happy that they’re enjoying it. They are enjoying it, right?”

“Don’t sound so smug,” grumbled Alex as he laid back on his bed. “Speaking about gifts, how come they get one and I don’t? You’ve yet to pick up yours and still haven’t said a word about mine. May I remind you that we missed out on celebrating Christmas and my birthday together, which means you’re two gifts short!”

“I have gifts for you,” mumbled Miles and Alex had to concentrate on making out the words. “The gift I got you for your birthday is pretty big. It’s in London. You just have to drop by and pick it up.”

“Big how?” asked Alex. “You made a huge fuss about my gift for you, which you – in my humble opinion – refused to accept for an entirely ridiculous reason!”

“Not big like that.” Miles hesitated. “The box is big. It’s actually a bit of a funny gift. The one I got you for Christmas…well, I kinda got it for you last year, long before we…you know…and I haven’t given it to you because…it might be the different kind of big. And after the huge fuss I made about your gift for me – which, in my humble opinion, was entirely reasonable – I really shouldn’t give mine to you. But I really want you to have it. It’s a dilemma.”

“Oh, it’s not!” Alex reassured him, grinning. “I’m not like you! I have no issues accepting big gifts! When will you be in London so I can get my gifts?”

“Impatient much?” Miles laughed. “I won’t be back before next week. I’m visiting a few old friends. Then I’ll head to my mom. And there’s a birthday party near Sheffield two days from now, so I’ll be near your parents. Maybe I drop by for coffee!” 

“Whose birthday?” asked Alex dryly, deliberately ignoring the coffee quip. 

“I don’t know,” admitted Miles. “Friend of Victoria’s. Came by one of our shows. He invited everyone, said it’ll be a huge party. The whole band is going. What are you doing next week? You’re back in Sheffield, aren’t you? Admit it, you’ve spent a good portion of your day pointlessly glaring at the poor, innocent coffee machine!” 

“I haven’t. I don’t glare pointlessly. I glared at it angrily.” Alex sank deeper into the cushion. “Don’t know about next week yet.” He hesitated for a moment, but then did suggest what he’d initially intended to do anyway. “We should meet, Miles. It’s been a while.” Almost three weeks.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” That wasn’t the reply Alex had expected.

“Okay,” repeated Miles. “Let’s meet. In London. Soon. So you can get your gifts.”

“And my shirt,” which Alex had absolutely not forgotten about.

“Does that mean I can keep the belt?”

“Dream on!” Both laughed. It felt so good to laugh with him. And even though he’d never, ever admit it to Miles, Alex had to agree that talking to him via phone was a bit easier and less distracting than speaking to him directly. “Miles? Are you busy at the moment? You got plans tonight?” Are you meeting your ex, he really wanted to ask.

“Nope. Just me and the TV tonight. You?”

“Me and no TV. It was a long day.” Was it a bad thing that it made him happy that Miles had no plans for the evening? He pushed the thought away. “Did some working out, sort of. Dad had me carry a lot of boxes. That bloody garage! I think I’m getting old. In the old days, I could go for days without sleep. But now? It’s sad, truly.”

Miles was laughing again. “I feel for you, babe! But you’re right. I also like my off-days much more than I used to!” 

Alex was shaking his head at himself. One little word. Babe. And here his fucking heart was, fluttering around in his chest like those four little letters actually meant something. 

Words. 

Meaningful words. 

Alex frowned. A thought had just crossed his mind, but it had been too brief, too fast, to take note of in time. It made him feel strange and restless, all of sudden. Like he’d glimpsed at something very important without realizing it. And now that he tried to get a closer look, it was gone. Where did one search for a thought?

“Alex? You’re still there?”

“Huh? What?” 

“Are you okay?”

“Yes,” said Alex, without feeling okay. He sat up straight. “Did you ever feel like…like…”  
  
“Like what?” asked Miles, clearly interested. 

“I can’t even say,” Alex described. Or rather failed to. “Something just crossed my mind! Just a second ago! But I don’t know what! I just…argh! You must think I’m crazy!” 

“I would never think that of you. Did the idea for a song come to you? A lyric? A melody?”

“No.” Alex tried to recall that elusive thought. “I think not. Feels different when that happens.”

“Well, let me know if you figure it out,” Miles told him. “You got me all curious now!”

A loud groan slipped from Alex’s throat. “Ugh. I bet I won’t get a moment’s sleep tonight. I just…I had a thought. But I don’t know what thought that was. It’ll keep me awake all night, I swear! It was something about…words.” He felt as though he was trying to recall the entire plot of a book he’d never even read! 

“Words, huh? That’s a vague description. Good words? Bad words? A specific word? Words that somebody has said to you? Or wor–”

“Stop!” There it was again. And there it went away again. “Argh!” Alex drove a hand through his hair, only to hiss in pain. Shit. He’d forgotten that hair, once grown to a certain length, would tangle and knot and not part easily. “Damn hair!” 

“I’m not there with you,” Miles reminded him somewhat pointedly. “So if you jump from thoughts to hair to words and back, I’m unable to follow you. Oh shit!” 

“What? What happened?”

“Oh no! Oooh! I was supposed to go to the dentist today for my routine checkup! I completely forgot about that!” 

Alex rolled his eyes. Speaking about jumping from one thought to another! “Damn it, I thought something bad had happened!” 

  
“It is bad!” Miles was adamant. “I don’t like letting people wait around for me! It’s rude and not fair. I should have canceled sooner. I knew I wouldn’t be in town today. Gotta call tomorrow and apologize!”

“To the dentist?” Alex scoffed. At least he wasn’t the only one who was crazy!

“To the person who makes the schedule! Mock me, I don’t care. But I don’t like people to think I’m some prick who believes he can come and go as he wants. I’d never do that! Which, if I may remind you, is the reason the guy who drove the bus when you and I did our tour liked me a lot better than you!”

“Well, he might have liked you better but while you were sitting in the bus like the well-behaved little rockstar that you are, I was sleeping out! So, which one of us made the wiser decision? I believe I did!” Alex grinned when he heard Miles begin to laugh. 

“Fair point,” agreed his friend, taking it in stride. Alex yawned and Miles laughed louder. “Wow, you weren’t lying when you said you’re getting old! I think it’s time you try that whole sleeping thing! Slumber well, Al.”

“Night, Mi.” He hung up with a chuckle. 

_I’d never do that._

Alex bolted upward and zoomed in on Miles’ words. “He’d never do that.” The thought came back. Clearer, this time. “He’d never risk that.” Miles loved Alex. As a friend, yes. But he loved him. And he’d never risk losing him as a friend for a bit of sex. He had said so himself. And if he would never do that? What did that mean? 

Alex got up, paced the room with large, impatient strides. They were friends. They loved each other. But…if Miles would never risk their friendship just for a bit of sex, then…then it hadn’t been just a bit of sex. And if it hadn’t been that, did that mean that it had been more? 

With a groan he stripped off his hoodie. Suddenly he felt warm, sweaty even. His head was overflowing with thoughts. His entire body was pulsating, throbbing with something he couldn’t define. His eyes landed on the phone which lay on top of the comforter. 

Miles. 

_We’ve locked our hearts in. _

Alex’s breathing became uneven as he was hit by memories of Miles explaining his feelings to him. His friend had been so honest, so open, this entire time. If only Alex had paid closer attention to his actual words! Or even just his actions! All those nights that he’d spent in Miles’ arms, pretending that it was just a friendship-thing? When had he ever felt the need to sleep in Matt’s arms? Or Jamie’s? Or Nick’s? Hell, when had he ever desperately desired to sleep in Taylor’s arms? None of them would have ever even allowed him into their beds, or arms. None, except Taylor. Because Taylor had loved him. But not as a friend!

Miles had always opened his arms for him, Alex realized. Without any hesitation. He’d held him, squeezed him, kissed him, caressed him, even sucked him and fucked him and none of that had felt platonic! Alex came to a stop, held onto his desk and closed his eyes. He remembered those kisses, remembered the way Miles had deepened their contact, had groaned and moaned into his mouth, had sighed in pleasure and begged in need. 

Miles had told him they were different, but they weren’t. Not that different. Alex tried to recall his own romantic escapades, tried to recall what he had felt then, but those brief affairs and one night stands that he used to have were all pale and dim compared to the fireworks and explosions he’d experienced with Miles. The ones that had come before Miles didn’t matter to him. They had never left him drowning in want. They had never made him feel loved, the way Miles had made him feel loved. They had never made him surrender completely. 

Images of Miles’ face flashed in front of Alex’s eyes. Images from their night. Images of Miles staring at Alex with complete and utter fascination, as though Alex was a living, breathing miracle and Miles was overwhelmed by his beauty. No one had ever looked at him like that. 

_That fucking hurt!_

And how could Miles have been hurt by Alex if there were no feelings which could have gotten hurt? If Miles had wanted him there when he had woken up that night, then he couldn’t have been disgusted by him! And if the attraction was still there, as Miles had told him, as he had demonstrated by kissing him again, then he didn’t regret it. Did he? If the only reason it couldn’t happen again was the risk of losing their friendship, it meant Miles absolutely didn’t regret it! 

_We’ve always pretended that all we did was play around. _

So if they hadn’t pretended, if they hadn’t played around, if everything had been real, then…

Could it be? 

_I’d never risk losing you for a bit of sex._

If Miles hadn’t risked it for a bit of sex, he had risked it for something more. And more than sex was…love. 

Was Miles in love with him? Alex dropped to the chair next to him and just sat there, in silence. Motionless. Was that possible? Did he dare to believe that the one person he loved so wholly might actually love him back? Alex tilted his head to the side, to look at his phone again. Well, he couldn’t really call him and ask him, could he? 

Oh God! What was he supposed to do now? Wait until they met again? How long would that take? He couldn’t even go to Miles because he didn’t know where, precisely, Miles was at this very moment. And he couldn’t call and ask Miles, because hearing his voice right now would make speaking entirely impossible and Miles would never just tell him without asking why. What then? Same problem! He couldn’t tell him on the phone. “Fucking hell,” shot Alex and closed his eyes. 

Party. 

Wait, there was a party. A birthday party. Everyone was invited, Miles had said so. That meant Alex was invited as well, right? But whose party was it? He needed to call somebody other than Miles for details. Victoria! He could call Victoria! Alex jumped up, grabbed the phone from his bed and – then stopped. It was already midnight. He couldn’t call her now. That would be strange. And it would raise flags. Victoria would then call Miles, who, in return, would call Alex. Voila, back to problem one. Fucking phones! 

He’d do it tomorrow. He’d find a way to explain it to her. 

Tomorrow. Oh, tomorrow was so very far away. 

And it’d be days until he saw Miles. Days! 

Alex sank down on the bed and laid back again. 

Days! 

He’d never last that long. 


	15. Coward

Spring

After two days of no sleep, heavy home-improvement and – generally speaking – very little rest, Alex stood in front of a restaurant a few kilometers south of Sheffield and checked his reflection in the door’s glass. He’d worn one of his favorite leather jackets. He knew he’d promised Miles not to wear one when he knew his friend was in the vicinity, but tonight, Alex was a man on a mission.

A mission to find out whether Miles was in love with him or not.

He was determined.

And a bit scared.

The latter was the reason why is was almost midnight and Alex yet had to enter the restaurant, even though the party, audibly, was well on its way. One last deep breath and Alex pushed the door open, took confident strides and tried to find the one person he had come for. The prospect of seeing Miles made his heart beat irregularly fast and he was uncharacteristically nervous.

Seeing Miles was the most normal thing in the world. And yet, tonight, it felt like a huge event. Unlike this party, which had been sold to him as an actual event and even though it was loud and crowded, it really wasn’t much of anything. He took in the surroundings and felt underwhelmed.

He hadn’t even needed Victoria’s help in figuring out whose party it was and where it was held. He’d mentioned wanting to find out about it to his mother, who - lucky for him - knew everything and everyone and immediately let him know that it was today and that the guy celebrating his birthday was somebody called Jim who considered himself a rockstar by proxy.

This ominous Jim was telling everyone who couldn’t run fast enough that he was a friend of the Arctic Monkeys. That he’d toured with them. Even jammed with them on stage. Well, Alex might have spent a great portion of his rockstar life drunk or occupied, but he was pretty sure he would have remembered touring with some guy named Jim, especially inviting him on stage. That privilege was reserved for those who deserved to stand on that stage.

As Alex made his way across the surprisingly large restaurant, which had cleared out its tables to make room for dancing, he remembered something very important that he too often forgot. He was, indeed, a rockstar. And people recognized him.

“Oh my God, you’re Alex Turner!” some girl squealed at the sight of him. “Jim was right all along! You are friends!”

He was tempted to make up an elaborate lie and claim to be none more than a mere lookalike, but that would require effort and words and, really, he wasn’t in the mood for a prolonged conversation anyway. So he just went with it. “Yep, me and Jim. We go way back. Have you seen my friend Miles?”

“Miles Kane?” The girl laughed. “Oh he’s having the time of his life back there,” she told him and motioned towards the back of the restaurant. She leaned an inch towards him and he leaned an inch backwards. “He’s drunk, I think. Or drugs. Rockstars,” she shrugged. “Can we do a picture?”

“Later,” he lied and made his way towards the back. And there he was. Miles Kane. Dancing the Macarena with his bassist and some other people Alex didn’t recognize. One of them wore a shirt with the name ‘Jim’ printed on the front. He assumed that person was Jim. He spotted Victoria and walked up to her. When she noticed him, he could see the shock in her eyes.

“You? Here?”

“Hi, Vic.” Her attention immediately returned to Miles and when Alex spotted the concern in her eyes, he began to worry. “What’s happening there?”

“Uh…bit of a clusterfuck, I’m afraid.” She glanced at him sideways. “Miles sneezed a few times today. And you know him. He freaks out at the mere idea of getting a cold. So he took some cold medicine. Then, when we got to the hotel, he asked the guy behind the desk if they could get him some more cold medicine. They did. Turned out it was different cold medicine. Which,” she added with an eye-roll, “didn’t stop him from taking that as well. It wasn’t as bad as we feared. He even perked up, got funny and…well, then we got here and next time I saw him, he was holding on to an empty Margarita glass and suggested doing the chicken dance.”

Alex groaned. Typical Miles. Leave it to his favorite rockstar to get high on cold meds the night Alex wanted to talk about love and feelings! “How long has he been doing the Macarena?”

In that moment, the song began anew. Victoria sighed. “This will be the fifth time.”

“Okay. Time to put a stop to it.”

“Probably best,” she agreed. “I’m so ready to leave this party anyway.”

“Miles said this Jim-guy is your friend?”

“What? Are you kidding? That weirdo?” She looked insulted at the mere idea. “I have a few friends near Sheffield, which I had planned on visiting this week. Nathan was on his way to Manchester and Dom wanted to head to Leeds. Somebody mentioned this party. Miles jumped at the chance to go, because it gave him a reason to be near Sheffield, in case you showed up there! Poor fella misses you. Can’t you guys make up already? That way he can just go and visit you when he wants to see you? This whole pretense-shit is really annoying. Oh no!” She tugged on his arm and dragged him backwards. “Incoming! That’s him!”

“Jim with the Jim-shirt?” Alex scoffed. “Classy.”

“Alex, my friend,” exclaimed Jim and hugged Alex before he could run away. “I’d knew you show up! It’s been ages since we saw each other!”

“When was that?” asked Alex. “Remind me!” He was so very tempted to be rude and dismissive but he was really pushing his Karma lately and it would be mean to ruin this guy’s night just for the fun of it. Right? Alex endured. “Somebody said we played on the same stage once?”

“Yes!” Jim laughed. “I may have exaggerated. You don’t remember me, do you? We went to high school together! I sat next to you in Biology!”

“Biology?” Alex’s ears perked up. “Hey, you don’t happen to remember if I ever scribbled anything important into my book, do you?”

Jim gave him a weird look. “What?”

Stellar achievement, Turner! Alex was silently laughing at himself. This guy had to wear a shirt with his name on it just so people at his own birthday party would know who he was and yet, somehow, Alex ended up looking like the idiot.

“He’s headed for the bar again,” said Victoria.

Alex snapped out of it. “Great party, man! But I gotta go. Happy Birthday!” Then he followed her to the bar, where Miles was in the middle of ordering.

“Miles!”

Miles turned around, saw Alex and smiled bashfully. The barman was ignored and Miles beelined towards Alex, wrapped both arms around him and squeezed all the air out of his lungs. It felt so bloody good! Alex returned the hug, all but bruised his friend’s ribs by the sheer force of it. “You okay?” he asked hesitantly.

“Because we’re hugging?” wondered Miles.

“No!” Alex chuckled. He leaned back and felt Victoria tap his shoulder.

“All yours now,” she smiled. “I’m out. Night, guys! Oh, by the way, he’s staying at the Meadow Hotel, across the street.” Then she was gone.

Alex let go of Miles and grabbed his hand. “Let’s go, Miles. Party is over.”

“No,” complained Miles and tugged Alex back. For someone who was completely drunk and felt feverish, Miles had surprising amounts of strengths left and Alex had to put in some effort to drag him with him.

“Miles, come on. You might have fever!” Alex had felt the heat coming from him when they had hugged. “Trust me, you need rest.”

“I don’t want to be alone right now,” he pouted.

“I’ll stay with you,” promised Alex. As if would leave him alone in this state! And what a wonderful excuse to remain near to him, chimed a sneaky little voice in his head. Bad, Alex! He admonished himself. “Bad!”

“What’s bad?” asked Miles.

Alex cursed. “Nothing. Let’s go, Mi.”

It took a lot of tugging and willpower, but somehow Alex managed to walk with Miles across a startlingly busy street, managed to make it up the stairs with him in tow, because the little hotel had no elevator, and at long last succeeded in fishing the key out of Miles’ pants’ pocket without actually touching him too much. The last part had been the hardest bit.

“Now what?” Miles dropped onto the bed and laid back, arms stretched out. “I’m thirsty, I’m bored and that was a great party you dragged me away from!”

“It was not,” countered Alex with an eye roll as he got rid of his leather jacket.

Miles saw it and pointed a finger at him accusingly. “Leather! You little shit, you’re wearing your leather jacket!”

Well, yes. For a reason! But Miles wouldn’t understand that reason at the moment! So Alex got defensive, instead. “It was cold outside. You’re wearing your old cologne!” He’d smelled it on him when they had hugged. The things it made him want to do… Alex shivered.

“I didn’t know you’d show up! Are you cold? Oh no, did you catch the cold from me?” His face faltered. “We shouldn’t have touched. It’s dangerous when we do that. We either kiss, have sex or get sick! It always ends up being awful!” Miles sighed deeply, apparently greatly disturbed by the fact that life was such a rude companion.

Alex had to laugh. “Oh stop it! All is well. Besides, I honestly wouldn’t describe the sex and the kissing as awful. Quite the opposite,” he said as he grabbed a glass and poured water into it. He handed it to Miles. “Drink that.”

Miles took the glass but stared at Alex with his big, round eyes. He seemed stunned. “You liked the sex?”

Alex mentally cursed himself. “Well,” he admitted, “I never said I didn’t, did I?”

“Guess not,” allowed Miles, still looking confounded.

Trying to change the topic, Alex grabbed a shirt from Miles’ bag and tossed it at him. “Strip and put that on. And then climb into bed.” He walked up to him and gently placed a hand against Miles’ forehead. “You’re hot.”

Miles grinned. “I know. It’s why I wore the suit. Makes me look much taller and fitter than I am.”

“I meant feverish, Miles.” Alex was back to laughing. “You have a slight fever.” He leaned down, kissed his forehead and then made his way to the window to open it. “And you don’t need the suit to look tall and fit. You are tall and fit.”

Trying and failing to undo his tie, Miles stopped mid-struggle. “What’s with you? You’re all flirty tonight. It’s not fair. I’m sick and defenseless! And what if I don’t want to defend myself against you? I couldn’t even kiss you if I wanted to, cause I’m bloody sick!” He was pouting again. “I hate being sick!”

“I know you do.” Alex took pity on him. He looked so helpless and miserable. He took the ends of the tie out of Miles’ hands and removed the whole thing from his neck. When Alex began to undo the buttons of Miles’ shirt, meticulously, one by one, he felt his own temperature beginning to rise. There was no torture greater than to be this close, this intimate, and be unable to take this where he so desperately wanted to take it. “Up,” he croaked, his throat dry, his hands shaky.

Miles stood up and watched as Alex pulled the shirt out of his pants. While Alex fought with the buttons and his fast-slipping control, Miles’ hands went to his own belt. Alex grinned when he saw it. “You’re wearing my belt again.” Their foreheads were touching now and he felt Miles nodding softly.

“I like wearing it.”

“It’s a very nice belt,” agreed Alex.

“I like it cause it’s your belt,” whispered Miles.

When the last button was undone, Alex took a large step back. Miles dropped back to the bed and looked hazy. Alex certainly shared that feeling. One more bloody button and he’d have lost it entirely. “I’ll be…” He motioned towards the bathroom and hurried there. The air in there felt much cooler than in the other room. Wherever Miles was, it was always hot and sticky and bit foggy, too.

Alex stared at his reflection in the mirror. Miles is sick, he scolded himself. Get a grip!

“I’m underneath the covers,” called Miles. “You can come back now!”

“That’s not…” Alex returned to Miles’ bedside. “I didn’t…”

“It’s okay,” assured Miles, his voice low and hoarse. “I would have bolted. But the room was spinning and I got dizzy. You always do that to me. You were right, you know?” Miles smiled more than a little loopy. “I do need rest. I feel exhausted. Will you stay with me? Please.”

He was so bloody adorable when looked at him with that helpless expression. Alex nodded. Unable and unwilling to say no. “Of course.” He walked around the back and laid on top of the covers, to make sure that there was a very real, very efficient barrier between them – a thought that made him laugh. Miles would understand the humor of it. Miles turned to face the window, tugged one of Alex’s arms around him and Alex made no move to fight it. Instead, he scooted closer, ignored the gnawing voice in the back of his head that snootily bedeviled what he was doing, and placed his cheek against that of Miles. But not before pressing a quick kiss to it. “Try to sleep,” hushed Alex and closed his eyes as well.

When he woke up a few hours later, he felt exceptionally well rested and wonderfully content. The air was fresh and clean, the sun had already risen and Miles was half on top of him, face buried in the crook of his neck, snoring softly. His friend no longer felt feverish, which relaxed Alex even more. Holding him in place with one arm, Alex reached for his phone with the other. A bunch of unread messages, some missed calls. But nothing of importance. He put it away, rested his head against Miles’ and closed his eyes again. The world could wait a few more hours.

Miles on the other hand…well, he decided to wake up instead.

“Why are we sleeping in the same bed,” he murmured against Alex’s neck, disrupting that magnificent silence he’d enjoyed so much a moment ago.

Alex opened his eyes and prepared for impact. “You were sick, high and needy for contact. I’m weak,” he deadpanned, “I missed you, and I’m not awake enough to have yet another discussion about boundaries. Go back to sleep!” He kept his arm around him, refusing to let go.

Lucky for him, Miles made no effort to detach. “I was high? What did I take?”

“Cold meds and liquor. The good stuff.”

Miles groaned against Alex’s neck, the soft vibrations of it in return made Alex groan because that sound woke a part of him that had, until now, slumbered peacefully. And it immediately craved for attention. “How’s your cold?” asked Alex, trying to ignore his increasing state of arousal.

Miles swallowed, then breathed deeply through his nose, and finally smiled. “Better. Gone, I think.”

“Perfect. ‘Cause there are a few things you and I need to discuss.”

“Sleeping arrangements?”

“Something like that.” Alex gathered all of his resolve and moved ahead. “I told you on the phone the other day that I had that weird thought that I couldn’t really figure out or make sense of. But I could. Finally. However, I don’t know if I made the right sense of it…you know?”

“No,” admitted Miles, surprising Alex when he curled himself deeper into his arms. “Do we have to discuss this now, Al?” He sounded vastly uninterested in having any kind of conversation. Instead, his nose dug deeper into the curve where Alex’s jaw ended and his throat began.

“Miles,” he whined, “what are you doing?” He wasn’t opposed to what he was doing. But he wanted to talk first. He needed to know if he was reading the whole situation right. He needed to know for certain whether or not Miles was in love with him. If the answer was yes, then they could have sex. All the sex in the world. The whole day. And night. Every day and every night. He’d love that very much. But Alex needed to talk first! His head felt close to exploding!

But Miles didn’t know any of that as he placed a featherlight kiss on Alex’s jaw. “I’m doing a bad thing,” whispered Miles, licking the spot that he’d just kissed. “A very bad thing. Do you want me to stop?”

Yes! “No…” His head rolled back, giving Miles more space. And boy, did he make use of that! “Don’t stop. Please don’t stop!” Fisting his fingers in Miles’ hair, Alex moaned loudly. “Feels so good!” He closed his eyes, wet his lips, and when Miles bit his earlobe, Alex arched against him. “Baby, don’t stop!”

Miles bit him again, teasing the last bit of reluctance right out of him. “First time you called me baby,” he breathed into Alex’s ear. “Say it again.”

“Baby.” Alex was melting on the spot.

Miles became more brazen, rolled on top of him, tried to get closer, but he was struggling. Something was in his way. “What the—” Grabbing the edge of the very annoying comforter and trying to push it away, Miles became impatient. “Why are you on top of this thing?” He grumbled, bothered.

It allowed Alex a chance to take a breath and assess what was happening. He snapped out of his aroused stupor, placed a hand against Miles’ chest and pushed him off of him. “Get back, you! Bad Miles!” God, that was close! If it weren’t for the comforter, who knows what they’d be doing right now! Well, he had a pretty good idea what they’d be doing right now. So had Miles, apparently, who had the guts to look rejected and angry. “Oh I could strangle you right now!”

“What? Fuck, Alex! I thought you liked it!”

“I did! That’s not the fucking point!” Alex climbed out of bed, completely ignoring the fact that he was sporting some serious wood. Anger was overcoming him. His blood pressure was rising. Being sexually frustrated made it all that much worse. “I had to listen to you over and over again telling me that we need to stay away from each other and suddenly here you are, mauling me! I had to endure weeks of separation because you were the one who wanted space and distance! You all but accused of seducing you and here you are, bloody nibbling on my earlobe! I spent the night on top of what I can only assume is a very warm comforter and it was a cold night! I was freezing for the sake of our friendship! Then I tell you I want to talk to you and instead of listening, you get all horny!” Alex was pacing up and down the room, venting, when Miles held up the comforter. “What are you doing?”

“You said you were freezing tonight. I’m offering you some warmth.” Miles was dragging his teeth along the corner of his bottom lip. Guilt was written all over his face. “I promise I’ll stay on my side and not touch you. And I’ll listen to every word you want to say. Will you please come back to bed?”

Alex closed his eyes. He buried his face in his hands. At some point he’d have to figure out a way to say no to him. But not today. He walked to the bed and climbed back into it. It was nice and warm. It also smelled of Miles, which made talking to him that much more complicated. Rolling to his side, propping his head up on one arm, Alex watched him for a moment. “What happened to your boundaries?” he asked with a much softer voice.

Miles lowered his eyes. “I haven’t seen you in weeks. I’m weak, too. I missed you just as much. And I fucking want you,” he blurted out, rolling on his back and squeezing his eyes shut. He drove his hands through his hair, disgruntled and unsatisfied. “You have no idea how much!”

Oh, he had a pretty good idea of it, actually. Alex cursed under his breath, took a hold of his friend’s shirt and roughly pulled Miles against him as he climbed on top of him. “Feel me,” demanded Alex as he pushed himself against Miles. “Feel how hard I am for you?” He took Miles’ lips in a bruising kiss. “That’s how much I want you. Every day. All the time.” Another kiss. His tongue plunged deeply into Miles’ mouth. “I want to fight it, but I can’t!”

“Me neither,” whispered his friend, digging his nails into Alex’s ass, bringing him impossibly close. “It’s too strong.” Miles kissed Alex forcefully. “It’s all I can think about.” Tongues were tangling. “Day and night.” They were breathing hard, fully rubbing against one another, frantically seeking more. “What happened to talking,” asked Miles with a heady grin, his voice husky.

“Fuck talking,” declared Alex.

“Fuck me,” said Miles.

Alex stared into his eyes. Miles leaned up, placed a provocative kiss on his lips, and smiled at him in such a trusting, loving manner that Alex’s heart almost stopped beating. “Make me yours,” urged Miles.

Those words! Alex’s eyes began to flutter. He leaned down, kissed him hard and drowned completely.

Until his phone rang. Miles chuckled against Alex’s lips, unwilling to let go. Two sets of hands fumbled around, trying to find it. “Bloody thing,” muttered Miles, simultaneously leaving marks on Alex’s throat and struggling to get hold of that phone. “Here!” He grabbed it, pulled it from underneath some pillow and smiled victoriously. Until saw the name of the caller.

Alex shut the phone off without looking, tossed it across the room and went back to Miles’ soft, pliant lips, only to find them hard and unwelcoming. He let up. “What?”

Now it was Miles’ turn to shove Alex off of him. “That was your girlfriend,” he let his friend now. “She’s probably worried about you. You should call her back.”

Out of breath, out of words, and covered by a comforter that no longer offered warmth but rather felt like the lid of a coffin, Alex closed his eyes, then let out a loud and frustrated groan. “Fuck!” His mood took a nosedive into the deep end. “FUCK!”

“You should go,” suggested Miles somberly as he reached for the shirt that Alex had somehow stripped off of him.

“Miles, no! I’m not leaving now!”

“So stay. I’ll go.”

Alex sat up, reached for Miles’ shoulder and held him back. “No! Listen to me! Damn it, Miles…this whole thing, it wasn’t supposed to happen like this! This isn’t what I came for! I swear on anything that you want me to that I had honest intentions! I came to talk. I missed you, that part is true! I wanted to see you and…” He still tugged on his shoulder. “Would you please look at me?”

When Miles did, it broke Alex’s heart. He looked so hurt. His vibrant and shiny eyes had turned dull and empty. To know that he was the reason for that made Alex feel worse than he ever had. “Baby—”

“Don’t!” Yelled Miles and shot off the bed, away from him. “Don’t you fucking dare call me that.”

“Okay. Okay,” promised Alex. He sorted his next words in his head. What was he trying to say? Should he just blurt out that he loved him? Would he even believe him? Should he ask Miles about his night with his ex? Was it any of his business? Did it have anything to do with this? Should he explain to Miles why he was still with Louise? Wouldn’t that make him lose all respect for him?

“Is there anything you want to tell me or can I leave?” asked Miles tiredly, disappointedly, by now wearing pants and shoes.

Alex snapped out of his thoughts. “Are you and Suki back together?”

Miles’ eyes widened. Then they turned away from him. “I’m leaving now. Don’t call me.”

“Shit, Miles!” Alex hurried after him. “Don’t! I didn’t mean to ask it.” Fuck, why had he asked it? He hadn’t believed that Miles’ eyes could turn even colder. “Miles!”

Bag in hand, Miles tossed Alex one last disillusioned look and then walked out of the room and let the door fall shut.

Alex dropped back onto the bed. He’d never felt so powerless, so dumb and so lonely. “But I love you, Miles.”

Two weeks later

“Say that again,” demanded Matt and placed his beer away. The Monkeys were all in Los Angeles, sitting in Matt’s backyard, enjoying burgers and fries. Until Alex had decided to drop a bombshell on them, that was. Now they just sat in awe. “You broke up with her?”

“Two weeks ago,” stressed Alex. “I’ve been meaning to tell you guys. But I’ve lost all appreciation for phones, little though I had for those to begin with. I’m not getting another hair cut,” he added, well aware of the fact that his coif was a constant topic of discussion amongst his friends. “I’m not heartbroken. I’m not lonely, or depressed because of it. It just had to be done. She’ll remain at my house in France until the end of the month and then, hopefully, we’ll be done with one another. I take all the blame. She was kind, and understanding, and tossed none more than two Prada bags and a pair of spiky boots at me.”

As his band-mates laughed, Alex nodded. “Let it all out. I deserve it.”

Jamie grabbed some fries and ate them. “Why’d you end it?”

“I don’t love her,” stated Alex and admitted what was rolling off his lips much easier these days. “I’m in love with Miles.”

Jamie spit the fries out again, coughing wildly. “I’m sorry, what?”

Nick slapped Jamie’s back, trying to help him while Matt succumbed to deep, roaring laughter. “Fucking finally,” the drummer rejoiced. “I thought you’d never get there!”

Ignoring the startled looks from Jamie and Nick, Alex faced Matt. “What?”

“Oh, come on,” said Matt, still grinning. “Back on tour, on the bus, my bunk wasn’t that far away from yours. You’ve had some pretty noisy dreams about him. So you’re dating now? Or are you skipping that dating nonsense and head straight into marriage?”

Huh. Interesting, thought Alex, as he pondered Matt’s question. He really wasn’t into the concept of marriage. Never had been. But spending the rest of his life with Miles? He sure liked that idea. There was only one problem. “Miles isn’t speaking to me at the moment. Which, naturally, is my fault.”

“Details, man. You can’t drop something like that and be all vague about the rest.” Jamie gave up on food and was listening intently to Alex and his lack of explanations.

“What details do you want,” asked Alex, irritated.

“Start at the beginning,” suggested Nick.

And he did. A few cigarettes and some beers later, all the Monkeys knew that Alex and Miles had done it last fall, knew all about their struggles to carry on from there and now shared Alex’s opinion that he was a stupid little idiot for wanting to confess his love to Miles without breaking up with his girlfriend first.

“Now what?” asked Alex as he sat back, a bit tired from talking about his heart so much.

Nick tapped his finger against his chin. “You need a grand gesture. How about a love song?”

“Pff,” scoffed Matt. “A love song from Alex is the most boring gesture ever!”

“Excuse me?” Alex glared at him.

“You write love songs like other people peel potatoes. It’s nothing special when you do it. How about a hot air balloon ride? Or a romantic yacht trip?”

“How about a new drummer,” suggested Alex snidely. “Fellas, I appreciate the help. But Miles won’t even pick up the phone at the moment. I sincerely doubt he’ll join me on a yacht trip.”

“Should one of us talk to him?” suggested Jamie. “Or we invite him somewhere and you show up.”

“No. Thanks for trying to help. But this is my mess and I have to clean it up. Besides, it’ll teach me a lesson. I’m sure of it.” He wasn’t that sure of it, but that’s what his mother had told him when he’d spent the day after the Miles-fiasco with her. She had felt so bad for him that she’d actually gotten him out of doing even more garage work.

Something else occurred to him just then. Something he’d also noticed when talking to his parents. And Louise, now that he thought back to it. “Why isn’t anyone ever surprised about the fact that I’ve fallen in love with a man?”

“It’s not some random male model or whatever,” said Nick.

Matt agreed. “It’s Miles.”

“And the two of you…well, we all kind of saw it coming. We had just given up hope, cause you guys were taking so bloody long to get there,” added Jamie.

“That means,” reiterated Alex, needing as much reassurance of it as he could get, “that you also think that Miles has feelings for me?”

Matt was back to laughing, and Jamie and Nick just rolled their eyes. The drummer spoke up. “Listen up, dear and dumb friend of mine, that guy has it bad for you!”

Well, Matt had a good point – he was dumb! So Alex could only hope that he hadn’t ruined it all by being his usual self…


	16. Lost Hearts

_Early April 2019_

“_Miles!” Suki made her way through the busy club and smiled when she reached him. “Oh, it’s been too long, isn’t it?” She pecked his cheek, then pinched it playfully. “How are you?”_

“_I’m good,” said Miles, scooting to the side of the large velvet sofa in the back of the VIP area of the club, away from prying eyes and cameras, to make room for her. “How are you? I’ve heard you’re constantly jetting back and forth these days! Life is good, then?”_

“_Life is amazing,” she smiled. “Are you single at the moment?” The smile made way for a sneaky grin. “I gotta ask ‘cause I’m here with this friend of mine and she’s very into The Beatles. Also, she looks a bit like me, so she’s totally your type!”_

_He laughed. “Appreciate that, but…it’s the wrong time for that.”_

_She sat closer to him. “Why? Are you seeing anybody? Do I know her?”_

“_There’s not…exactly…” He chuckled at himself. Explaining it felt rather ridiculous. “A long story. I don’t want to bore you with that.”_

“_Bore me good,” smirked Suki, put her purse on the floor, crossed her legs and grabbed the drink from his hand. “Bore me real good, darling!”_

_He loved that there was no lingering awkwardness between them. For as long as they had dated, years ago, things had been good. And when things had stopped being good, they had parted as genuine friends. Which mattered a lot to him, for he had always admired and appreciated her view of the world and her fearless approach to life._

_She gave him a pointed look. “Start talking. I want to know.”_

“_There’s a somebody, alright. And I’m in love.”_

“_So you do have a somebody! Who is it?”_

“_It’s a somebody that’s not mine. He doesn’t feel the same.”_

“_How dare he?” she asked, offended on his behalf. “Do I know him?” He swallowed and she smiled. “Oh, I know him! Who is it? A model? A musician? An actor?”_

“_You’re not surprised that it’s a guy?”_

“_No? Why should I be? It’s 2019, Miles. Love whomever. But nice way of changing the topic. Come on, who is it?”_

_The waiter stopped by and he grabbed another drink from the tray when she leaned in and whispered, “is it Alex?”_

_Miles almost dropped the glass._

_Suki giggled. “Damn, I’m good.” She pulled out her phone and started texting. A moment later, the phone vibrated. She giggled louder._

“_What are you doing right now?”_

“_Telling Alexa that she owes me money!”“What? Why?” He was lost. Completely._

“_We made a bet years ago! I said you would fall first and she said he would fall first. You did fall first, right?” She eyed him skeptically. “I got my eyes on a nice pair of very expensive suede boots. Be honest here!”_

“_Told you,” assured Miles. “He’s not into me.”_

“_How would you know, though?”_

“_I just do!” he said._

_She gnawed on her bottom lip. Unconvinced. “You’re a guy. Guys and love. That’s a whole other thing. Let me demonstrate.” She turned towards him, cupped his face and looked deeply into his eyes. “I love you.” Then she pressed a quick kiss on his lips._

_Miles leaned back a bit, suddenly uncomfortable. “Um…”_

_She burst out laughing. “See?”_

_He shook his head. No, he was too stunned, too confused, to see._

“_You’re a guy. You hear something, you believe it. The bunch of like your lives simple like that. But feelings are complicated.” She linked her arm with his and tipped their glasses together. “I’ve met Alex. I’ve seen you with him. The two of you…you’re two halves of a whole. Everyone always says so.”_

“_Alex and I…there’s a certain kind of attraction,” allowed Miles. “I won’t deny that. And something might have happened, but,” he added quickly, seeing her wide eyes, “I won’t spill anymore details! However, he and I are friends.”_

“_That’s not a reason not to be with somebody when you love him.” She winked at him. “You are I were friends.”_

_She was cornering him and he didn’t like that. “But—”_

“_No but. Think about it, Miles. Whatever it is that you and he have done, would you have done it with a stranger? Would it have felt the same?”_

“_No,” he admitted, “but I don’t deny that I’m in love with him.”_

“_Do you think he would have done it with a stranger? Would he have done, whatever he has done, without a certain kind of feeling for you?”_

_Would he? Miles was struck. It hadn’t been a simple kind of fuck. He’d had those in his life. He knew those felt different. The kind of thing he had experienced with Alex was different. It was haunting. It still lingered on his body, like a scent one couldn’t shrug. It was one of the reasons it left him longing for more of it. It had been the kind of thing that showed you that life had something else, something more to offer – something you never even knew existed._

“_You should tell him.”_

“_That I’m in love with him? I can’t, Suki. How selfish would that be? I unburden my heart and place all that weight on his? Besides,” confessed Miles. “Even if he shared those feelings, it wouldn’t change anything. We would never work out. I mean, you’re the one who told me I’m not made for the forever-kind-of-love.”_

_She rolled his eyes. “We had just broken up, Miles. I was hurt. I said something I shouldn’t have said. I also said that you had the worst style ever and then I went and stole half of your closet! So what if you try and fail?”_

“_If we fail, I’ll lose him,” said Miles._

_Suki shook her head. “I wish you weren’t this pessimistic. We need another drink. Let’s party that gloominess out of you!”_

Present Day

May 2019

Miles checked his phone. Again. When he had told Alex not to call him, he hadn’t really foreseen that he’d take that literally. Radio silence, week three. He tossed the pencil across the room, sighed heavily and leaned back on the cold floor of his London apartment. Surrounded by his acoustic, two electrics, an amp, a notepad and a withering biology book, Miles felt cornered. Every item in his vicinity was telling him to express his feelings, to write it down, to sing it out or to just let go, but the words refused to come to him today. They had abandoned him, along with his good mood, his interest in being sociable and every other reason to leave the apartment and enjoy life.

Instead, here he was, on the floor of a dimly lit room that was filled with memories of a life that used to be his and which he might never regain. Okay, fine. Maybe he was a bit dramatic. Melodramatic, even. But he was lovesick! He had a right to be pathetic and miserable! He checked the phone again.

Still nothing! “Argh!”

Miles sat up, grabbed the notepad and tried anew. Going through the scribbled remains of what once had been good ideas but now felt like mere nonsense, he tried to spot the bits that were worth holding onto. A few words here and there, maybe even half a stanza. Where was the damn pencil? He stretched, reached it and flipped through the notepad for an empty page, only to roll his eyes hard.

It was an old notepad he’d taken from Alex weeks ago, after having had to wait around for him in his childhood room. Only Alex had a habit of randomly choosing pages to write down on. A normal person would start at the beginning, then work his way through it page by page. Not Alex. And now Miles had to flip through page after page on the hunt for a blank one. He could take one of his one pads, but that would require getting off the floor, walking towards the shelf, pulling one out…all in all, it was just too much work.

Flip. Flip. Flip. Perfect! Blank pa—

Miles flipped back to the one before that.

His pulse began to drum. His heart-rate sped up.

“_Dear Miles…”_

The letter that Alex had mentioned back on New Year’s Eve. Here it was. In his hands. Available. He quickly shut the notepad and shoved it away from him. He stared at it from a distance as it laid on the floor, taunting him. Answers. In his reach. Right there, in front of him. But should he read the letter? Wasn’t it a bit like reading a trusted friend’s diary? Alex had told him that some of the letters were too raw, too honest. To read them without Alex’s consent would be awful, wouldn’t it?

Miles’ foot began to wiggle fast. He was fighting the urge to grab the notepad. What would Alex do? Would he read it, if roles were reversed? No. Or? The wiggling got stronger. Both feet were restless. He jumped up, began walk up and down the living room. Should he call Alex? Should he ask for permission? Alex wouldn’t give it to him, else he would have sent him the letter!

But he had mentioned the letters to him, which could mean that, maybe, subconsciously, he did want him to know what was inside. Right? “Oooh,” he whined, frustrated with this conundrum. He came to a stop in front of the item in question, tapped it with the tip of his foot. It looked so innocent and harmless. But it wasn’t. It was a ticking time bomb! A trap! It was the apple that would get him kicked out out of paradise.

“I’m going to hell for this!” Miles dropped to his knees, flipped to the page and began reading.

“Dear Miles,

Speaking my mind, as becomes clearer to me day by day, is, for now, entirely unmanageable. As I have told you last fall, I could fill a series of albums with the amount of truths I’d like to share with you. But it’s not the notion of being honest that makes me avoid doing so, it’s the part that follows. I quite fear for your reaction. We’ve always been brutally honest with each other and there’s never been a moment in which I’ve regretted it. Until now, though, there has never been a truth as big as the one which is currently burdening my shoulders. I’m in love with you. And not just a little bit. Imagine that. I want to be your friend, but in your presence my heart’s desires overpower my mind’s demands. I want you to trust me with your friendship, but how can I ask that of you when I don’t trust my own self to keep a platonic distance towards you? I miss our nearness, our comfortable proximity, I miss the warmth I received in your arms when you held me as your friend, but how do I return into your friendly embrace when the longing for a different heat makes me seek out your arms in an utterly carnal manner? These are the questions I need to find answers to before I can figure out how to make amends for the mess I’ve created. I hope that yo—”

“He’s in love with me,” whispered Miles in utter disbelief. “How is that possible?” He couldn’t form a clear thought. Instead, all they had ever done, every moment they had ever shared from the very second they had met flooded his head all at once. Images of them holding each other close. Recollections of conversations they had shared – deeply personal ones, of topics he’d never discus with anyone else. Flashbacks of their time on stage together, lost in each other, while surrounded by hundreds and thousands.

Miles got up, went to grab his coat, a large paper bag with a backpack in it, his keys and then headed down to get a cab. It was too big of a statement, too massive a thing, to just read and believe. He needed to hear it from Alex. He needed to see Alex and hear him say it or else he wouldn’t believe it. This wasn’t the kind of thing one just accepted. This was something else, something bigger.

Only, when he finally reached Alex’s place, damn fucker didn’t open the door! Miles grumbled a rotten curse under his breath. “Alex, it’s me. Open up!”

“He isn’t here, Miles.”

Miles turned to find Alex’s neighbor standing in the doorway, an amused grin on her face. The woman was in her early eighties and at times mistook him for an old acquaintance of hers. “Where is he, Mrs. Finch?”

“Can’t tell you. Left with one of those really big suitcases last week. Haven’t seen him since.”

Facing away from the door, Miles leaned back against it. Exhausted. Angry. Restless. Impatient. Full of energy but completely drained all at once. Alex could be anywhere in the world right now. Could be in France, with Louise. Could be in bed with her right now. The very thought brought on a wave of nausea and he quickly pushed it away. He dug his phone out of his pocket and dialed Alex’s number, only to be told by a computer-generated voice that the person he was trying to call was temporarily unavailable. He bit his tongue from cursing again. He tried messaging him, but his phone let him know that his message couldn’t be delivered. “Fuck, Al. Where are you?”

He considered calling Alex’s parents but the fact that Al had his phone off and couldn’t be reached would needlessly worry them and that he didn’t want to do. He could call Louise, but what if Alex was indeed with her? He couldn’t bear the idea, least of all the confirmation of that. Miles took the big paper bag. “Mrs. Finch, may I ask a favor of you? Would you be so kind to give this to Alex once he returns? If I get a hold of him before you do, I’ll return and collect it.”

“Of course.” She sneaked a glance into the paper bag. “Is this his backpack?”

Well, thought Miles, hopefully it would become his. He nodded at her and smiled. “See you soon, Mrs. Finch. Thank you very much.”

—

“Open the fucking door, you double-standard-applying, never-doing-what-you-want-me-to-do, generous, sweet-talking-old-ladies bastard!”

Miles, who had just fallen asleep on the couch and was torn wether he may or may not be dreaming at the moment, all but stumbled towards the door and pulled it open and said the first thing that came to his hazy mind. “You really need to learn how to curse right.”

Alex stormed past him, roughly shoving the backpack into Miles’ arms. “I just came back from very long, very exhausting, extremely delayed flight from Los Angeles only to find my neighbor all but attack me in my hallway as I’m opening my door. She was telling me a really strange story about some tall guy in a brown coat who had dropped by earlier and was quite disturbed by the fact that I wasn’t at home because, apparently, you desperately wanted to return a backpack to me!”

Miles was still wiping the sleep from his eyes, only slowly realizing that Alex Turner, _his Alex_, the one who was supposedly more than a little in love with him, was actually standing in his apartment right now and he was wearing a leather jacket. The latter part Miles found a bit rude. It was just as rude that somebody who had spent so many supposedly awful hours on a plane was looking so fucking ravishing this late into the night! He became aware of the backpack in his arms and held it out to Alex. “Merry Christmas.”

Alex shot him a fierce, frightening glare. “Do you have any idea how tempted I am to punch you right now?”

When Alex didn’t take the backpack, Miles dropped it on the floor. “Very?”

“Don’t push it,” warned Alex, his voice rising. “You told me to leave you alone! You left that hotel room! And I get that I fucked up, okay? But you didn’t speak a word to me for weeks and out of bloody nowhere you drop by and leave _that_ for me?”

“You weren’t home. I wanted you to have it,” said Miles.

“Now? Why today? Without any explanation?” Alex met Miles’ eyes, then frowned. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Miles looked away. Oh God, had he drooled? “Like what?”

“Like I’m a ghost or something.”

A flash of relief overcame him. “I’m not sure I’m really awake at the moment.” Miles walked back to the couch and sat down on the edge of it. Alex was here. Was Alex in love with him? How did one ask a question like that? Was it a yes or no question? Did it require eloquence? And where did he put that aspirin? “I could be dreaming right now.”

“You’re not,” assured Alex, unamused. “I’m more than happy to pinch you as proof!”

“Could you?”

“Miles! You’re not dreaming! Why would even think that? What’s so bloody good about this moment that you would want to dream about it? I’m not here to thank you for your gift! I’m pissed off right now and you know why!” He walked into the kitchen and returned with a bottle of water. Once he drank some, he placed it away, got rid of his jacket and sat down on a chair.

Miles was confused about it all. “You’re getting comfortable?” Did he intend to stay? Would this be a longer visit? “Are you staying?”

Alex scoffed. “Yes! I’m not done yelling at you! But it was long day and I’m tired. And jet-lagged. And hungry. Got anything good in your fridge or just the green stuff?”

Miles pinched his own arm. “Ow!”

“Bloody hell, Kane! What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you tripping on cold meds again? Is that a thing now?”

Shaking his head, Miles wondered if he’d ever snap out of his daze. It all felt so surreal. Alex Turner, who may or may not be in love with him, was in his apartment, irate at him for what Miles considered to be a very thoughtful gift, and he was also hungry. And even though Miles had a million questions he wanted to ask, all of which centered on the topic of ‘love’, the one thing he eventually did say was completely asinine. “I tried calling you today. Your phone was dead.”

“Well…” Alex seemed startled at the question, but then he looked at the floor, shrugging almost embarrassedly. “Threw it against the wall of that hotel room after you left. Decided to give up on phones altogether. They’re overrated anyway.”

“You…threw…” Miles started to laugh. The entire situation was simply too much. He was tired, confused, still shellshocked by Alex’s letter and now that he was actually sitting face to face with him, Miles was done for. It was either crying or laughing and laughing seemed the wiser, less awkward thing to do.

“You must be tripping right now,” concluded Alex, reached for the bottle of water on table next to him. And froze.

Miles noticed, saw what his friend’s eyes were focusing on and all laughter died.

“How did that get here?” Alex didn’t look at Miles. His eyes were firmly glued to the yellow notepad on the table. The visible page held Alex’s letter to Miles.

“I needed something to write when I visited you in Sheffield. I just grabbed one of your old ones from the shelf. I hadn’t noticed the letter until today.”

“You’ve read it, then.”

“Is it true, Al?” Miles couldn’t even read Alex’s feelings for he was so bloody somber and emotionless at the moment.

Alex stood up after a minute, began pacing the room. He was still avoiding Miles’ eyes.

“Tell me, is it true?!”

“You think I would joke about something like that?”

Alex’s disgust at the mere suggestion was visible. But Miles didn’t care. He needed to hear it from him. He needed to hear him say it and see him speak the words. To him, it was that big of a thing. “Say it, Alex. Just, please, fucking say it!” Miles was pleading.

“I wanted to say it when I came to that party,” Alex explained, staying as far away from Miles as the living room allowed it. “I wanted to tell you in the hotel. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about! I wanted to ask you how you felt about me, Miles. ‘Cause I needed to hear it from you! I had this idea that maybe you were— that maybe you felt something like that for me! But it’s so hard to say it loud. It’s so hard to ask when the answer can hurt so much!”

“What made you think that my answer would hurt you?” whispered Miles, feeling so close to everything and yet so far from it all.

Alex stopped and stared at the ceiling. “I saw the pictures of you and Suki and…”

Miles took a sharp breath. “That’s why you…”

“That’s why I asked about her and you. And that,” said Alex, swallowing hard, “is why I hadn’t broken up with Louise yet. I never loved her, Miles.” He sat back down, covering his face with his hands. “Taylor broke up with me because I’m an asshole. And she was right to do so. But when she did, she didn’t break my heart. She broke my head. She put this thought into my head that I was in love with you…”

Miles gasped when he heard the words rolling from Alex’s lips. He sat up straight, leaned forward, strained to hear every last letter Alex spoke.

“And it freaked me out,” admitted Alex quietly. “Not because it meant I was attracted to a man, but because I was attracted to you. To my best friend. To the one person I can’t do without. For a while, I denied it. I fought it. But it didn’t work, it got worse. Louise was my safety cushion. She stopped me from getting lost in my thoughts. And that day at the concert hall on the day we… I brought her along so I could hide behind her when you…when you were around. And when you weren’t there, she kept me from feeling lonely. I didn’t break up with her ‘cause I was afraid you weren’t in— you felt different about me.” Alex dropped his hands, looked at the floor and sighed. “Here’s the answer you’ve been waiting for since last fall: I walked out because I was afraid you’d wake up, look at me, and regret what we had done. I was afraid you’d be disgusted when…when all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed and do it all over again. If I had stayed, if I had seen just a flicker of remorse in your eyes, it would irreversibly broken my heart. And so I left.”

For a long while they just sat in silence. They had yet to make eye contact. Miles tried, but Alex put up a tough fight. After a very long, brutal pause, Alex spoke up again. “What does it matter if I do, Miles.” His voice sounded bitterly resigned. “Look at us. You and I, we’ve never had a functioning relationship in our lives. Imagine if we tried, together. I mean…we don’t even manage to meet up as friends! I just got back from Los Angeles and you’re leaving for France tomorrow. By the time I get to France, you’ll be in Italy, then Spain or Portugal? Somebody told me you’re headed to Russia this summer. And those are just the few I can name from the top of my head. I need to stay here, ‘cause I got meetings, then there’s a wedding in LA I promised to attend. My parents are asking for me to spend a bit of time with them this summer… I’m a mess in relationships. I get antsy and feel cornered easily. I’m selfish and restless. And it’s not just me. You told me how the idea of being stuck with somebody freaks you out. You love your freedom and I love mine. We would trap each other. We would ruin each other!”

Miles’ heart broke all over again. But it wasn’t the fact that Alex was telling him that the chances for a relationship between them to survive were slim to none, it was the realization that Alex had considered it and had come to the same conclusion that Miles had come to, himself. Alex shared his fears and worries, which made him see that he wasn’t crazy or overly worried. It made him see that he had valid fears and valid worries.

“I’m in love with you,” whispered Alex, at long last, looking directly into Miles’ eyes.

The words made him breathless. To hear them, to actually hear them? It was something he so often tried but never succeeded in imagining. No fantasy of it would have ever given justice to the real thing. And, suddenly, unexpectedly, it was so very easy to say them back. “I’m in love with you,” replied Miles.

“But I’m afraid,” continued Alex, “that, should I ever lose you, I won’t recover from that.”

“Neither would I,” Miles admitted. He gave Alex the world’s most helpless smile. “We’re destined for a life of misery, aren’t we?”

Alex chuckled, then became somber and serious again. He took in a shaky breath. “I’d rather have a little bit of you than nothing at all.” He got up, walked over to Miles and gave his cheek the gentlest of caresses. He closed his eyes, leaned down and kissed the top of his head. “My heart was yours long before I knew I could lose it. Know that.” Letting go, Alex grabbed his jacket, put it on and, looking at the backpack on the floor, he reminded Miles, “you know why I can’t take it, right?”

“Penguins.”

“Penguins,” nodded Alex.

As Alex made his way to the door, Miles got up, took a few large strides towards him, spun him around and kissed him hard. Alex didn’t push back or protest. He just held on to Miles and returned the kiss with as much desperation as possible. “I don’t regret our night,” stated Miles. Another kiss. “It’s the one thing in my life I will never regret.” One last kiss. He let his lips linger. Pulling away was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do. But he did it anyway.

Alex opened the door. “Call me when you land in France.”

“You no longer have a phone.” What a silly conversation to have at this moment.

“Right.” Alex nodded. “I should get a new one,” he concluded and smiled a small smile. “I’ll call you.”

Miles wanted to touch him again, kiss him again, hold on to him and never let go, but he couldn’t. So he didn’t. “Night, Alex.”

“Night, Miles.” Then he was gone.

Miles closed the door, leaned back against it and slid down to the floor.

How had this happened? How could this day have been such a rollercoaster ride of emotions? He’d gone from melancholic to shocked to energetic to happy to breathlessly overjoyed to heartbroken all within the span of a few hours.

His head rolled back against the wooden door and came to a rest with a thud. How powerful this love of theirs was, for two grown-up people to be so thoroughly afraid of it.

Half an hour later, Miles had recovered enough to gather the backpack from the floor, place it back in the closet of his bedroom, grab his suitcase and start packing. France would do him good right now. It would distract him and keep his mind from drifting back to one he longed for. 

Once all the clothes, shoes and necessities were stuffed, he grabbed his laptop and prepared a playlist for the travel. Any other day, he’d have begun with the Beatles classics. But not today. _All You Need Is Love_ was sitting there, on the screen, paused, and it made him snort.

What a lie.

What a huge, fucking, disgusting lie.


	17. Harsh Words

Present Day

By the time Alex made it back to his apartment, his already miserable day had made it to the top spot on his list of worst days ever. As he kicked off his shoes, he slammed the door of his apartment shut and decided that, for now, life could fuck it for a while.

He was beat. He was exhausted. He was emotionally drained. The last weeks had been a single, never-ending turmoil of emotions. After having spent the night with Miles in that hotel near Sheffield, after having been ready and willing to admit to all of his heart’s desires and after having messed it up by having been too much of a coward to break up with his girlfriend before doing so, Alex had tried to get his chaotic life in order.

He’d gone at it full of energy and conviction.

He’d looked at his life and asked himself what it was that he really, truly wanted.

And the answer had been as clear as an answer could possibly be.

Miles.

But if he wanted to be with Miles, he had to be brave and take a few leaps. And Alex had wanted to take that leap. He had broken up with Louise on the same day that Miles had walked out of that hotel room. He had spilled his heart to his mom. He had confessed his feelings to his band. He had cleaned house, so to say. He had done what needed to be done. And then he’d been on his way to the airport to head straight to Miles. But, as he’d come to expect as of late, life was a cruel bitch. His flight had gotten canceled. He’d been forced to wait another day for the next one.

And because he’d been nervous and excited and unwilling to spend the night alone in an empty apartment, afraid his thoughts might get the better of him, he’d gone out with Matt and a few other friends from his time in Los Angeles. It had been a nice and fun night out. He’d even calmed down. Hell, he’d become fucking confident that he was on his way to doing the right thing.

Until she had taken a seat next to him.

_Yesterday_

_“Fancy meeting you here,” Taylor said and clinked her glass against his as she sat down._

_Every time he was in LA, Alex expected to run into her. They knew the same people, visited the same spots, but now that she was there, it still startled him. He heard in her voice that she was anything but happy to see him and he was extremely tempted to get up and leave. However, he had been an asshole the last time they had spoken and these days, he was trying hard not to be an asshole anymore. So he settled for politeness. “Taylor. Long time.”_

_“Not long enough.”_

_So walk away! The words sat on the edge of his tongue, but he bit them back. “How are you these days? Are you well?”_

_“Splendid.” Her single word was followed by a prolonged moment of silence. Then she turned to face him. “So, there’s a rumor going around. You and your friend are done with each other. There hasn’t been a picture of the two of you in months. Did he break up with you?”_

_Did he what? Alex was on the verge of asking for clarification when Miles’ confession of their poolside argument echoed in his head. He chuckled. “You know, he told me about your fight that day. Came clean about what he said to you. He lied. He and I…not then—” The words died on his lips as he suddenly wondered how she knew that there were no pictures of them. Had she looked for pictures?_

_First of all, he’d really like to understand why people believed his entire life was caught on camera! Only a tiny little bit actually was. And most of the images that existed of him were images he’d okayed. He may be a rock star but he was far from being a royal. Or a boy bander. He could leave the house and not cause a riot. He could go to clubs and remain unrecognized. And he had been out with Miles so often that it bordered on laughable what little the cameras had actually caught of it._

_And second of all, pictures or not, it really wasn’t any of her business anymore! “He and I—”_

_“I’m not surprised, to be honest,” Taylor interrupted. “You’re not meant for everlasting love, Turner. You get bored by your own music, for Christ’s sake. You’re restless on tour, you feel trapped at home, you feel cornered in relationships. And even when you’re alone and free to do as you please, you still wither. You’re a fucking mess and anyone who will ever get close to you, will end up wishing they had never met you!”_

_That hurt. And it certainly made him rethink his reluctance about being an asshole. “Don’t hold back, Taylor. Tell me how you really feel!” he sneered._

_“You were the worst thing that ever happened to me,” she told him._

_Despite his feelings for Miles, Alex had genuinely cared for his ex and had maybe even been a little in love with her. To hear her brush off with such vitriol what he considered to be some fond memories made him show his teeth. “Miles and I didn’t break up, if you so desperately wish to know. On the contrary. And,” he added, letting his voice drop deridingly low, “unlike you, he actually knows how to take me.”_

_Her eyes widened and he saw the flash of hurt. He should care. He really should. He bloody couldn’t bring himself to!_

_“That was nasty,” bit Taylor. “Enjoy it, then. Enjoy it until the inevitable happens. You’ll be the ruin of him. You’ll dry out his heart. You’ll drain his soul. And you’ll drag him along long after all the light has left his eyes ‘cause you’re too much of a fucking loser to call it quits when it’s time! And if you wonder how I know, it’s because you’ve done it to me.” She grabbed the glass, tossed her drink into his face and walked away._

Present Day

Alex had spent the roughly twenty hours, between checking in at LAX and arriving home in London and being startled by his neighbor with the backpack, thinking about Taylor’s words. For a few hours he’d been able to ignore the truth in them. Halfway across the Atlantic, however, he couldn’t deny it anymore.

She had a point.

He’d never been good with relationships. He’d been selfish for as long as he could remember. He had always come and gone without ever asking how his partners felt about it. And it had never mattered to him what would happen once his time with somebody had ended because he’d never cared enough to remain friends with them.

But his friendship with Miles meant the world to him. To lose Miles would be to lose his heart and his soul at the same time and he couldn’t let that happen. There was a reason Miles was so worried about losing him as a friend, too. Even if Miles had equal feelings for him, and even if Miles had a hunch about Alex’s feelings for him, Miles still worried about their friendship. And it couldn’t be a coincidence that he kept reminding him that anything more than a friendship could and most likely would ruin them.

As the plane began to enter British airspace, Alex had made a decision. He loved Miles too much to risk losing him. And if that meant settling for a friendship, then that was what he would do. And Miles would never have to know, for it would be most unfair to him to burden him with the knowledge of it all.

The one thing Alex hadn’t considered, though, was Miles finding out the truth by an unforeseeable twist of fate.

Alex fell backwards onto his mattress and crossed his arms over his face. How could he not have recognized that bloody notepad back in Sheffield? Amongst all the notepads in his shelf, this was the only yellow one and he knew he’d written that fucking letter onto a yellow page. He’d seen the damn notepad laying on the ground next to Miles on that day he’d come to visit him. He’d seen it and not made the connection!

And now?

Now Alex knew for a fact that the person he loved actually loved him back, yet wholly agreed that love was not all they needed — Beatles be damned! — otherwise they’d be together right this very moment.

Completely exhausted and tired out of his mind, Alex fell asleep and didn’t wake up before noon the next day. Then he went to the bathroom, drank a glass of water, and returned to bed. Fuck the world for now, he thought, and pulled the blanket back over his head.

It took another twenty-four hours, a two shots of Tequila, falling in and out of sleep and at last a few ignored rings of his doorbell for Alex to venture back into life. Coming to a halt in front of the mirror, he leaned forward, inspected his reflection and squinted in disgust. God, he’d gotten old since last week! “Zombies look better,” he muttered as he reached for the shaving cream. Once done with that, he headed for a thorough shower and after that tried himself at consuming actual food. His stomach rumbled hungrily as he pulled the fridge open, only to find it empty. “Fuck.”

About to head out, he grabbed his jacket, but before he could begin to search for his wallet – God knows where he put that one! – a persistent knocking came from his door. He opened it.

“I’m not a postal worker!” Mrs. Finch pushed a small brown packet into his arms and vanished back into her apartment.

Alex shook his head in bewilderment, looked at the sender, then quickly tore the packet open. It contained an unboxed, fully loaded iPhone and a letter.

_“I’m in France right now, preparing for my show. All’s well. I’d have told you that on the phone but you never called! I assume you also neglected to get yourself a new phone. So I got you one. And you better appreciate that, since I’m about to send this to you via priority overnight express mail from France and that shit is expensive! Call me. After all, what’s the point of remaining emotionally and sexually frustrated if we don’t make the most out of this friendship thing? By the way, there’s not a single appropriate way to sign off this letter and not have it come across as ridiculous. I mean it, call me! —M.”_

He took the phone and called him. Miles picked up after a single ring. “I’m not sure how I feel about the fact that you know me this well,” spoke Alex as he sat down at his dinner table, scratching his head. He skipped right past introductions and pleasantries. “It’s weird, don’t you think?”

“You’re just now figuring out that you and I are weird?” Miles snorted. “Just roll with it. It’s what I’m doing. My show was great, by the way. Thanks for not asking. Zack was there. Told me to say hi to you since you can no longer be reached by anyone.”

Alex listened as Miles was giving him a rundown of his last two days and even though he usually enjoyed listening to him as he jumped from story to story, rarely ever stopping for air, today was different. The last days’ events still clung to his bones and dragged down his mood. “Why are you talking to me as if everything between us is fine?” he asked, interrupting Miles.

A pause. Miles’ voice faltered slightly. “What’s the point of being all freaked out and awkward? I’m in love with you. That’s a fact. It won’t go away. But you didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know already when you said we’re not made for a relationship. We’re friends. I think we might even be stronger friends than ever before. Think about it, Al. Everything is finally out in the open. It is what it is. And we must make the best of it. Else there’s no reason to do it at all.”

“So we just pretend there’s nothing there?” Alex couldn’t do that. He knew he couldn’t be with Miles. His head had all the reasons for that neatly listed in alphabetical order. But his heart was still in chaos and that traitorous thing had yet to figure out how to be okay with being no more than friends. “I can’t do that, Miles.”

“Neither can I, Alex. We just accept that it’s there. And we’ll try.”

“That will work?” He had his doubts.

Miles chuckled softly. “For somebody who gave me such a rousing speech about the value of our friendship, you’re bloody hesitant right now. Give it a chance, Al. Don’t hide from me.”

“I wasn’t going to,” he protested. Well, maybe for a few days, just until his heart calmed down and his head took back over operations.

“Zack rented a huge mansion in France. He’s invited a bunch of us to come for a big barbecue next week. Will you come? We’ll arrive in the morning, stay the night, party a bit. Just like we used to do, in the old days. Fun days. Remember? When we were young and innocent?”

Alex heard the amusement in his friend’s voice and grinned. “You were never innocent! And I’m still young! Alright. I’ll be there.” Even though the idea of seeing Miles made him nervous. “I should give Zack a call.”

“And your parents,” Miles told him. “Your dad DM’d me on Twitter. That was odd!”

Having no idea what Miles had just said to him, Alex nonetheless knew that it was time he let his parents hear his voice, let them know he was still alive and well. “I’ll do that first. What are you doing for the rest of the day?”

“Get back to sleep,” Miles said and yawned. “I’ve been bloody tired lately!”

“You’re still in bed? What are you wearing?”

Miles laughed hard. “Dirty, Alex. Real dirty!”

Thank God Miles was in another country and couldn’t see the bright red color his face now sported. “I meant to ask you,” Alex reiterated, using a wiser selection of words, “are you wearing that pajama I gave you? I know I had your Christmas gift sent to you a while ago and you’ve yet to comment on it.”

Miles was still laughing. “I am wearing it. Feels perfect. Well done, Turner. You did very good with the gift.”

“You have yet to give me that big box that contains my birthday present,” Alex pointed out, venturing towards steadier topics of discussion and away from the emotional ones.

“It’s in a very big box,” explained Miles. “And you have yet to come pick it up. I would send it to you, but you know how I feel about shipping costs these days. They are ridiculously high, it’s bordering on rude!”

Now Alex laughed. Miles had no problem whatsoever to splurge on shoes and guitars. But a simple UPS pricing list could ruin his day. “How about I just go and pick it up today?” It’s not like he had any other plans. “Where did you put the box?”

“Guest room. On the bed. You really can’t see past it,” chuckled Miles. “Call me before you unwrap it. I want to listen to you when you do!”

Alex rolled his eyes and hung up.

Later that day, a little past seven, Alex let himself into Miles’ apartment, closed the door and got homey. He kicked his shoes off, tossed his jacket away and went straight to the small wooden box nestled between old Beatles vinyls and spare guitar strings where Alex knew he’d find some cookies.

He licked his lips, opened the box and cursed. “Shopping, Kane! Bloody try it some time!” He muttered a few bad words as he shut the lid of the empty box, padded into the kitchen and pulled the fridge open. Empty. More cursing. Alex walked back into the living room, put his shoes and jacket back on and left. 

  
He returned half an hour later, a big bag of groceries in his arms. Shoes and jacket were tossed anew, he slammed the door shut behind him and headed for the fridge. He was in the midst of stocking it with edible items when his phone rang.

“Did you go pick up the gift?” Wondered Miles. “I haven’t heard from you again.”

“I’m at your place right now. I would have called a while ago, but I had to leave again and buy some bloody food!”

“There was food,” Miles pointed out, a bit peevish. “A big bag of carrots. In the freezer. And fish as well!”

Carrots weren’t food. They were a necessary evil. “I’m talking bread, Mi. And cheese. And eggs. Food.”

“Why are you eating at my place anyway?”

“‘Cause I forgot to do my own grocery shopping,” he muttered. All items were in the fridge and he closed the door. “Guest room, you said?” He made his way there, opened it and gaped. “Is that my gift?” A huge smile lit up his face. “The yellow color is sick, Miles! Wow!”

“What yellow…?” He heard Miles swear. “No, bloody stay away it! Do you hear me? That’s my Fender! I have yet to play with it myself. Found it at an old antiquities store. Owner had no idea why I’d want a shabby old guitar. I had it restored and it arrived just before I left. I just ordered a set of vintage strings so it’ll sound just right.”

“It is a piece of beauty,” hushed Alex in awe. “Oh Miles, it’s magnificent!” His fingertips gently stroked the fretboard. It hummed back at him.

“Hands off,” yelled Miles all the way back from France.

“Relax, will you? You’ll get a heart attack if you get all riled up. Then what?” Alex smirked. “On the other hand, if something happened, all of your guitars would become mine…”

“Oh, you wish,” said Miles. “Would you focus on what you came for? It’s the big square box on the bed.”

Alex gave the guitar a coy wink. “I’ll come back for you!”

“I can hear you!” griped Miles.

Alex chuckled and finally directed his attention towards the box. “Splurged on wrapping paper, huh?”

“For you? Always.”

Grinning, Alex tugged the bow apart, took off the lid of the big box and promptly dropped the phone. He picked it back up after a moment. “I hate you.”

“Anything in there that you love in particular?” Miles was laughing hard right now. “It’s a colorful selection of their best products.”

Alex dug through layers of loofahs, ventured past a variety of bath salts and had to cough when he smelled the scented candle before he felt it. “Bloody hell,” he muttered. “I don’t believe this!” He felt something small and flat and pulled it out. And then he was laughing as well. “A comb with my name on it?”

“Had it engraved for you. Happy belated birthday.”

“Be honest with me, Mi. Did you really go there by yourself and buy a shopping cart full of items to fill this giant box?”

“They delivered. Box included,” Miles admitted.

“I need a suitcase to get all of this to my place!” He shook his head, taking a quick inventory of it all. Although…the soap bar smelled nice. And he would definitely try that fancy shampoo.

“You’ll like it, don’t you!”

“I love the comb.” And the loofah, but Miles didn’t need to know that. “I would trade the rest of it for the Fender.” His eyes wandered from the box, across the large room, which Miles mostly used for storage, until they landed on that bright yellow piece of impeccable elegance and solid engineering. His fingers itched to play it. “She’s quite a sexy little thing!”

“Stop flirting with my guitar, will you?!”

“You’re not here! Whom else am I supposed to flirt with?” He noticed the amp in the corner of the room and lost the fight. “Thanks for gift, baby. But I gotta go! I know you understand! Love you!”

“AL—”

Alex hung up, quickly grabbed the guitar and plugged it in. He fished a guitar pick from his pocket, switched the Fender on and strummed. A deep, low, vibrating sound filled the room and he smiled. “Glorious,” he purred.

And then it registered with him.

_Baby._

_Love you._

“Shit!” As much as his slip of tongue bothered him, though, it didn’t bother him enough to stop strumming. The sound! Alex was enchanted. Miles had mentioned vintage strings. They would make it sound that much more special.

So what if he had called him ‘baby’? He’d said it before. Another strum. A different chord. And he did love him. Big news! More chords. New chords. He felt his long lost inspiration slowly retake its hold on him. His fingers danced across the fretboard. He hadn’t said anything Miles didn’t know already. No need to panic. He fiddled with the amp, adjusted the sound. Another strum.

There it was.

A new melody.

Alex looked around the room frantically, couldn’t spot a single piece of paper or pen and grumbled. He put the guitar away, sprinted into the living room, grabbed a notepad from the table and hurried back. As he flipped through the pages he became cognizant of the fact that this was the very notepad which contained his letter. As kept flipping for an empty page, he spotted something else as well. Miles’ scribblings. Words, stanzas, chords and notes.

He must be working on new material, cause Alex knew that all the old lyrics inside this notepad were his. He sat down on the bed, ripped the page with Miles’ words out and flipped through the notebook again, searching for more of Miles’ handwriting. Every little piece he spotted he tore out and arranged it in front of him. Fifteen minutes later he had assembled what he assumed was most of the song that Miles had been working on. He had the greater part of the lyrics, but very little in terms of what Miles had wanted it to sound like.

He was tempted to call him but here he was, going through his unreleased words, while playing his newest guitar, while, also, hanging out and getting cosy in his apartment. All that added together would no doubt put Miles in a bad and all but helpful frame of mind.

He nibbled on his lip, took the Fender and strummed the melody which had come to him a bit ago and then he heard it. Miles’ words and chords and his melody aligned perfectly. He couldn’t stop playing it. It sounded so different, so old, yet so amazing!

-

“I have a confession to make,” announced Alex as he laid in Miles’ bed, munching on a chocolate bar and absentmindedly counting the guitar picks he was spotting all over his friend’s bedroom.

Wearing nothing but boxers and one of Miles’ shirts, Alex tugged a piece of the blanket over his bare legs. When Miles didn’t say anything, his rambled on. “I would love to say it’s not a bad thing, but it might actually be a bad thing. Are you there?”

“You played my guitar, didn’t you?”

“Miles…it’s worse than that.”

“Did you break it?” His voice sounded cold and threatening.

Alex swallowed. “Before you get mad, hear me out. And then, when I’ve said it all, you can yell at me. If need be, I’ll wait around until you get back from France so you can yell at me in person.”

“Talk.”

“I played your guitar.” He heard Miles grumble, but continued. “I got inspired. This melody came to me. I wanted to write it down, tinker with it a bit. I grabbed the yellow notepad. And spotted what I assume is a new song you’re working on. And…um…I kinda took your words and chords and added them to my melody and now it’s a song. I think it sounds really cool. Very old days. A bit Beatles-esque. But also not. Quite different from what you and I have done before. Then again, not. I’d say it’s a tiny bit Puppety. But also not. If that makes sense.”

“Let me sum this up. You stole my guitar and my lyrics. And now what?”

Alex licked the last flakes of chocolate off his fingers. “Me playing your Fender bothers you a lot more than the stolen lyrics do! It’s making you pouty! ”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Alex. I’m a grown man. I’m not pouting because you played my new guitar.”

“You are pouting.”

A pause. “A little bit.”

He chuckled. “I want us to do this song together. I don’t know what it’ll be in the end but it’s been so long since we’ve done music together. It isn’t finished yet. I’m still not done with the melody. It’s missing something but I can’t put my finger on it. I need you for that. When will you be back?”

“Tomorrow night,” said Miles. “The night after that I’m leaving for Italy. I have to do an interview, it’s the only reason I’m even flying back. So I won’t have much time to work on a song with you.”

“But it’ll be enough time to hear me play it to you. Need a ride from the airport? When does your plane get here?”

“Don’t know. Sometime in the night. I’ll get a cab. Get your sleep. Can’t have you grumpy when you play my guitar.”

Alex grinned. “God, no! Go to sleep, then. I’ll see y—”

“Wait up, what did you mean when you said you could wait around for me to get back. Where, precisely, are you right now?”

“Your apartment.” He mumbled it very low.

“Alex! Have you been there since yesterday?”

“I couldn’t take your guitar with me, could I? That would have been rude!”

“You just moved in, instead?”

He didn’t like the coldness in Miles’ voice. “Hey, I also stocked your fridge, vacuumed the carpet and watered your plants!”

“The plants were wet and the carpet was clean!”

“I ate cookies on the floor. They crumbled.” He sighed, annoyed. Miles’ dismissiveness was bothering him a lot. “The whole guitar thing is putting you in a foul mood! I’ll leave now. See you on Friday?”

“I’ll drop by as soon as I have a chance,” he said. “Hold on!” Miles added quickly. “I’m sorry, okay?” His tone was less icy than a moment ago. “I don’t mind that you’re at my place. You’re always welcome. And it’s not the guitar thing that’s putting me in a bad mood.”

“What then?” asked Alex.

“I got into an argument with Matt on the phone today. It didn’t end well.”

“Helders?” Alex was stunned. “What happened?”

“Long story. I don’t want to talk about it right now. I just want you to know that it isn’t you. Play the guitar. And,” added Miles, his voice a little less somber, “I honestly can’t wait to hear what you’ve done with the lyrics. See you soon. Night, Al.”

“Night, Mi.” Alex was tempted to call Matt and ask for details. But he’d already done his share of crossing lines for the week and didn’t want to push his luck. Tossing the phone away, he switched the light off and decided to go to sleep instead.


	18. Flirting

_Note: The song used in this part is ‘Get Me To The World On Time’ by The Electric Prunes. _

_ [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6C4OjOGSzdM](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D6C4OjOGSzdM&t=ZDg5MDQ5Y2RlNTliMjI4MjE3Zjg2M2E1ZDE5ZTc3YmVkZTYxYWRkZCxycFc0bHlZOQ%3D%3D&b=t%3A9eXoQqrvstg9dWlUWwxvcw&p=https%3A%2F%2Fgirlinthepictureframe.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F188468237578%2Fthe-briefest-kiss-part-17&m=1) _

All rights belong to their rightful owners.

P 17

It was almost four am by the time Miles made it to his apartment. He felt as though somebody had collected the entire world’s tiredness and decided to dump it on him. A cruel joke. He could barely keep his eyes open. The memory of his last peaceful slumber was so vague and distant that he could hardly recall it at all. The chilly, unwelcoming weather added its part. Even worse, the flight had been delayed. He’d had to wait over an hour for his suitcase and the cab driver had deliberately taken a de-tour after having spotted the expensive Louis Vuitton piece of luggage – of that Miles was sure! He dropped his damp suitcase in the corner by the sofa. His current spirits were so far below the surface that he didn’t even care if his wet leather jacket would crinkle or collect mold when he dropped it to the floor. He kicked off his shoes, stripped out of his socks and promptly hurt his foot by stepping on a – well, what the fuck had he stepped on? Leaning down to inspect, he squinted into the darkness. “Is that a…?” A pencil sharpener?

Shaking his head, too exhausted to care, he padded towards the bedroom, got rid of his pants and his shirt, and climbed into bed.

Only to discover that someone else was already occupying the space. A low and deep growl slipped from Miles’ throat. “Why are you in my bed?”

“Went home yesterday,” mumbled Alex, clinging to Miles’ pillow, not bothering to move. Or share. “Got inspired again. And sleepy. What time is it?”

“Four am.” Alex had his back turned to him and when Miles tugged on the corner of his pillow, Alex clung even harder to it, moving it entirely out of his reach.

“Too early to be awake,” noted Alex, half asleep again.

Miles couldn’t agree more. And because he was dead tired and drained, he just laid down, curled up against Alex’s back and closed his eyes.

He was still worn out when he woke up again a few hours later. And he didn’t wake up because of an alarm or a noise. Nope. Alex, who was now resting on his other side and looking at him with that lazy, relaxed look of complete contentment, kept insistently nudging his chin with his index finger. “Morning, sunshine,” he whispered, his voice raspy. “Sleep well?”

“Why are you dabbing at my chin?” Even speaking equaled running a marathon. His exhaustion had not ceased one bit.

“To wake you. You said you had an appointment today. It’s already ten. What time do you need to leave?”

“Not for a few hours,” muttered Miles and closed his eyes again. “Wanna sleep. So tired.” He felt Alex shift. He should leave. He should get up. He should tell Alex to get up and leave his bed. He should tell him that sleeping in the same bed was still inappropriate, and unwise, and an even worse idea than ever before.

But the guy smelled so bloody good! And how was Miles supposed to let go of him when he was so very snuggly? And warm. And cushiony. Besides, they had already spent a few hours in the same bed together. What difference would another hour make? So he reached out, curled his arm around Alex, and smiled when Alex snuggled into his embrace.

“You know we’re moving beyond a big, fat line right now,” Alex murmured drowsily, sounding bored.

“I know,” Miles said. He pressed his nose into the curve of Alex’s neck. The heat of his skin was too tempting to resist. “Too tired to care.”

As Miles nestled even closer, Alex drove his fingers through Miles’ hair, fisted the strands for a moment, then began to gently stroke his head. “Let’s sleep then.”

Next time Miles opened his eyes, he was half on top of Alex, who was awake and tempting fate dangerously hard by lightly running his fingers up and down Miles’ arm. It felt so insanely wonderful that he never wanted this moment to end. It was all he ever wanted. Waking up in Alex’s arms was a sensation so wondrous and spectacular that he wondered how he was supposed to give up on it again. And he had to give up on it again, of that he had no doubt. This wasn’t the start of something. It was the epitome of a staggering mistake. They kept teasing their hearts with something the both of them knew was forever out of reach. Heartbreak was looming around the corner. But the curtains were closed, and the room was dark. And for as long as reality was remaining at a tolerable distance, Miles would enjoy this dream as hard as he could. “I should really leave this bed,” he whispered with a lazy smile. “But you’re so very comfortable.”

Alex lightly tickled the spot below Miles’ earlobe as he chuckled at his words. “Not as comfortable as I used to be,” he noted, a bit of pride in his tone. “I’ve been working out a lot.”

Miles had noticed. Oh, he had noticed it very much. His teeth sank into his bottom lip as images of him biting Alex’s lip filled his head. No! He forcefully pushed the fantasy aside. That was a dangerous road to travel. And in his current state, he was in no condition to handle the danger. On the contra-ry. So he had to avoid it at any costs. A change of topic was necessary. “We should work out together again some day. I don’t even remember the last time you and I broke some sweat together.”

“We broke some serious sweat last fall,” quipped Alex.

And down that road he went. “Ah…um…” He could really use some water, thought Miles, as his mouth run dry at the memory of it. And the fact that Alex tightened his arms around him didn’t help at all. “Erm…”

Alex was laughing. “Did I really render you speechless? Feels like a rather astonishing accomplishment.”

“Oh, mock me, will you! That one came out of nowhere!”

More laughter.

Miles couldn’t help but join in. Alex’s amusement was as contagious as ever. Until his eyes landed on the alarm clock. “Oh, fuck. I’ve got to leave in a bit! Damn interview.”

Alex looked at the clock as well. “Shit, I should have left already.” He began to wiggle away from Miles. “A car will pick me up at my place in a little more than an hour and I’m not even there yet. I still need to shower and grab a my stuff before I’m ready to leave for France.”

Reality creeped closer.

“Wait!” Miles’ arm darted out, curled around Alex and held him back. “Two more minutes.” When had he become so ridiculously desperate and needy?

Alex grinned and fell back onto the pillow, immediately giving in. “How about five?”

Probably around the time Alex got ridiculously desperate and needy as well, figured Miles, and popped his head up on one arm, gazing at his friend, while his other hand drew lazy figurines on Alex’s shirt-clad chest. “See you next Friday, then?”

“Yep.” Alex reached out, brushed a stray hair out of Miles’ face. “Try to get some sleep between now and then. Can’t have you miss out on a good party.”

“I’m trying to sleep,” explained Miles. “Most nights, it just won’t come to me, though. Either the bed is uncomfortable, or the pillow sucks, or it’s too warm or too cold, or my head is overwrought…” He shrugged.

“Or you’re too wrought out,” suggested Alex, still touching Miles’ face. “Maybe you need a pause? A little vacation.”

“Maybe I do,” mused Miles and leaned into Alex’s touch. His eyes glanced at the clock. “One minute left.”

“What shall we do with it?”

“Use it wisely? Ideas?”

He’d meant it jokingly. Or so he thought. But then Alex leaned up and brushed his lips against Miles’. Again. And again. Then the tip of his tongue slipped out, exploring the willingness of Miles’ mouth in slow-motion. Moaning into it like the starving lover that he was, Miles dissolved into a puddle of liquified lust. But before he could even begin to return the kiss, Alex already pulled back.

His eyes were pitch black, his voice thick and strained. “Any more than that and I’ll never make it out of this bed.”

Eyes fluttering close, Miles licked his lips and smiled. “Stay. Let’s just hide in here.” He heard Alex’s soft chuckle.

“Don’t tempt me.”

The mattress shifted and when he opened his eyes, Alex was no longer there. He heard the toilet flush in the bathroom, heard the faucet, heard bare feet padding around. Then the shower started, and Miles groaned in displeasure. How could life be so bloody cruel? Only a few meters away, a very naked Alex was taking a shower. Right there, behind that wall which he now wished was made out of glass! All he would have to do was get up and walk through the door, which Alex had left invitingly ajar. And then he would be able to see him, dripping wet and covered in soap! Miles squeezed his eyes shut, leaned back and pulled the pillow firmly over his face.

“Miles Peter Kane!”

His eyes flew open. He shot upright at the sound of his full name. The bright light was glaring back at him. “Huh?”

“Fell asleep again?” Alex stood at the side of Miles’ bed, dressed and ready.

Miles swung his legs off the mattress, sat on the edge of it and looked up at Alex. “What?”

Alex took the leather jacket which he held in his right hand, unfolded it, put both arms in and shrugged it on. Then he popped the collar and licked his lips before flashing him the sexiest wink Miles had ever seen in his entire life.

Miles scoffed and shook his head. He might be tired and sleepy and barely clinging to his conscious-ness, but even in this fucked up state of mind he could tell that Alex had just done that on purpose. And he let him know. “That was fucking rude!”

Alex smirked hard. He leaned forward and placed one hand on Miles’ bare thigh, stroking it agonizingly slow from the knee upwards. The other hand he placed on the side of Miles’ jaw, thumb on his throat, and tilted his friend’s head slightly back. “You fucking bet it was.” The words came out as a gruff confession. “Don’t you dare have a dirty dream about me again when I’m near enough to hear it!”

Miles was too preoccupied by the want in Alex’s eyes to even listen properly. “Huh?”

“I could hear you moan my name all the way in the fucking bathroom!” griped Alex. “And then I come in here, only to find you fucking hard and…” Alex plunged his tongue deeply into Miles’ mouth and plundered it zealously. He pushed him backwards, let his hand find what it was aiming for and pushed the heel of his palm against Miles’ rock hard erection.

Miles arched against him, kissed him back with every last remnant of energy he’d left in him.

Until Alex jumped back and wiped his face. “Fucking plane!” He took another step back, grabbed the bag he’d come with and headed for the door. “See you next week!”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” yelled Miles, pissed off and painfully unsatisfied.

But Alex had already left the apartment.

The next day

Miles was in the midst of digging through his suitcase for his swim trunks when Alex called him.

“Morning, you rotten little piece of shit,” said Miles and sat down on the foot of his Roman hotel bed. “I hope you got as little sleep as I did last night!”

Alex was laughing hard. “I got you good, didn’t I? For what’s it’s worth, it completely backfired. I admit I wanted to leave you high and dry. I hadn’t considered that it would leave me high and dry as well!”

“Serves you right,” grinned Miles. “How is France?”

“Warm and sunny. Italy?”

“Warmer and sunnier.”

“Remember, Mi. You’re supposed to get some rest until Friday. We only have one night, and I intend to make the most of it.”

Miles tsk-ed. “Are you flirting right now?”

“Trust me, when I flirt, you’ll know. You won’t have to ask. I’m just giving you a fair warning. It’ll be a big party, Zack told me. Bunch of people we haven’t seen in a while. Can’t have you nod off in the midst of it.”

“Oh, don’t you worry,” assured Miles with a sly grin, “I’ll be well-rested. Unsatisfied, but well-rested.”

“Now you’re flirting!”

“Nope. Just being honest.” Miles couldn’t stop smiling.

Something had shifted between Alex and him. He couldn’t define what, couldn’t put his finger to it. But things were different, lately. Easier, almost. Less tense. It probably helped that Miles had given up on insisting on boundaries. It was a lost battle, anyways. The pull between them was too magnetic. And where was the harm in a few occasional kisses, right?  
As Miles considered yesterday’s events, he felt the familiar shiver of arousal making its way across his skin. Fine, maybe they’d gone a little too far yesterday. But he wouldn’t have slept with Alex if his friend hadn’t left. Of that he was sure, thought Miles. Well…pretty sure.

No! He wouldn’t have, he decided. He would have remembered their promise to remain friends and he would have honored that promise by not having sex with Alex! But their friendship was stronger, now. More honest. They were better equipped to handle bad weather. And Miles would put a stop to the kisses and the occasional flirting and deep looks and stray touches the second he came to believe that their bond was on the verge of breaking.

But until then? They were both single. And everyone needed a kiss every once in a while…

“Hey, know what we didn’t do? You wanted to play that song for me!”

“Yes,” said Alex. “I didn’t play it for you! Want me to do it now? Got time?”

“I thought you needed my guitar for that.” Miles got nervous. “Oh God, please tell me you didn’t take my guitar with you?”

“I did not,” chuckled Alex. “It’s safe back in rainy London. All alone. In that dark guest room. Poor little thing.”

“Stop it. Don’t make me feel bad!” Both were laughing.

“Alright,” conceded Alex. “Hold on, let me grab a guitar. Bloody chaotic here, I’m telling you.”

“Oh, right, she’s gone now, isn’t she? How’s living alone in that big house?”

“Weird,” admitted Alex. “She arrived almost immediately after Taylor left. And Taylor did a lot of the interior. I was barely at home last year, so I didn’t care. But now that it’s just me, I find I really don’t enjoy this house in its current form. Least of all the bedroom,” Alex mused. “Getting a new one. Spent all morning on Pinterest for ideas.”

Miles coughed in sheer shock. “You…what?”

“Didn’t I tell you? I know Pinterest now. And Instagram. My dad helped me get accounts!”

Miles loved that Alex was able to laugh at himself, as he was doing just then. “Are you following me on Instagram?”

“I am,” said Alex.

“What’s your Instagram name?”

“Won’t tell. I’m not posting anything. It’s not like that. I’m just staying on track with your life, so to speak.” Another chuckle. “Making sure I’m not missing out on anything crispy!”

“Got me a fan, didn’t I?”

“A big one,” Alex stated in earnest. “You know that. Got my guitar. Let me put you on speaker. Ready?”

“Yes,” said Miles. “Go ahead.”

And Alex began playing. Miles was surprised Alex was playing an electric. He usually played his demos on an acoustic, in a stripped and slow manner. Not this melody. There was a rich depth to the tune that Miles immediately fell in love with. And Alex was right, the Fender was made for that kind of sound!

Then he began singing the bits that Miles had written down on that notepad.

_“The minute you walk in the room I break into a sweat_

_My hands begin to shake so bad I can’t light my cigarette_

_Then you start walkin’ towards me and my cool comes all undone_

_If I could get my feet to move I’d turn around and run_

_One kiss from you and my whole body starts to actin’ strange_

_You shake up all my hormones, you put me through a change_

_This chemical reaction isn’t easy to refine  
You drive me to distraction, you disturb my peace of mind”_

More strumming. “How do you like it so far?” asked Alex anxiously. “It’s still missing a bit. I love your lyrics. You got more of ‘em but I’m lacking the melodies for it. I need something that adds a bit of momentum to it. Know what I mean?”

“I do. And I might even have something that could help you out. Hold on, I need to find something first!” Miles put his phone on speaker as well. And smirked. “Where did I put that biology book of yours…”

“The bi— you’re messing with me right now. Are you?”

“I’m not! Told you, that book contains great notes!”

“And I told you,” sighed Alex, “that the notes in there aren’t great. They are boring. I reread them all and—”

“Not words, Al. Notes. Use your head. You were reading every word that you’ve once written down but you missed the single letters.”

“The what now?”

Miles spotted the book and pulled it out of his backpack. Then he flipped to the page with the notes in question. It was the middle of a chapter about cytoplasm. It contained a diagram. And said diagram had a specific curve inside of it. Miles didn’t care for any of the actual content or the real meaning of the diagram. But more than a decade ago, when he’d sat with Al on the floor of his friend’s old bed-room, discussing random things, he’d absentmindedly flipped through the book and spotted it. He’d grabbed a pencil, had doodled around, and had drawn lines between letters and numbers without any sort of system. Yet, somehow, at the end, he’d stumbled across a melody. And then he’d promptly forgotten about it. Until the day he’d sat in Al’s room last March, waiting for him to show up. He’d been nervous and fidgety and he’d played with the frayed spine of the old biology book. Then the memory of the melody had come to him. It had inspired him. And he’d reached up, grabbed a notepad, and began scribbling down the words his heart was telling him.

Since then he carried the book with him and he’d do it until he’d find a way to use said melody.

Miles explained all of that to Alex and was waiting for his friend to say something. Finally, his shaky voice broke the quietness. “Are you trying to tell me,” spoke Alex slowly, startled, “that the song is about me?”

Miles dropped his head and wished he’d be with Alex just then. This was the kind of thing he preferred to admit face to face. “Every word.”

“You wrote a love song about me?”

“It really isn’t the first time I wrote about you. But,” admitted Miles a bit unsteadily, “this one is about you from the beginning to the end. Just you.”

“You said you’d turn around and run.”

Miles rolled his eyes. It was just like him to focus on the one part that he could twist around. “Don’t, Al. Don’t pick the lines apart and rearrange them in your head. If you wish to know, just ask what they mean, and I’ll tell you.”

Alex wasted no time. “Would you run from me if you could? Do you wish you could walk away from me? Would it make your life easier?”

“No. And that’s not what that line says. When I wrote that, I didn’t know what you felt for me. And what I felt for you…” Miles closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “That’s the kind of love that can scare somebody. It’s the kind that’s big and…sort of unique, I presume. I’ve never felt that way before and I won’t ever feel it for anybody else.” Miles swallowed hard. “There was a moment last year after you and I – if I had been able to run away from my feelings, I would have done that. Not from you, Alex. From my feelings. That would have made my life easier. But, it would have also made my life duller. Dimmer. Sadder. You and I, maybe we’re not meant to be together. As long as I get to keep you in my life as a friend, I can bear that. Somehow. But thanks to you, I know how strong and all-consuming love can be and I wouldn’t want to miss that knowledge for anything in the world. Would my life be easier without you?” He smiled a little. “No doubt. But it wouldn’t be my life. Without you, my life would be dark and boring and humorless and stale and cold and rainy and lonely. I know that, ‘cause I’ve lived my life without you. And I’ve lived my life with you. And with you, it’s everything I ever wanted.” Miles heard Alex take in a shaky breath. “You okay?” He got anxious. “Did I say some-thing wrong?” He hated being stuck on the phone.

Alex needed a moment to speak up. “Hell of thing you just said to me, you know?”

“Al…” Miles stared at the ceiling, bothered, Damn phone conversation! He wanted to see Alex in person! “You already know that I love you.”

“Not like that,” whispered Alex.

“Would you have preferred if I hadn’t said it?” asked Miles, trying to figure out where to place his next step.

“No,” exclaimed Alex immediately. “No! To know…it means more to me than you could possibly understand.”

“So those notes,” Miles began, after a heavy pause, “you want them?” Alex let out a relieved laugh and Miles happily did the same. On to lighter topics, he thought, and sat up. “I don’t have a guitar here at the moment. I’ll have to hum it for you.”

“I love it when you hum for me.”

Miles’ jaw dropped. After a brief moment of speechlessness, he grabbed the phone and held it back to his ear. “That was flir—”

“It was.”

A warmth spread all over Miles’ skin. The temperature had certainly risen in this room. First the emotional talk, and then Alex’s double entendre? Miles tried to catch his thoughts. “Um…”

“Speechless again?” He could hear the smugness in Alex’s voice. “If I were there I would help you loosen up that tongue of yours but—”

“Stop!” Miles jumped off the bed, still clutching the phone. “I have a show in two hours! I can’t have you mess with my head like that. Last night was bad enough already.”

“Yeah? How bad?”

Miles pressed his lips into a thin line. Alex was enjoying this way too much! “Wanna know?” His friend wanted dirty? Well, Miles could give him dirty! “I got here very late in the middle of last night. I was in desperate need for some rest, especially after you had me on the edge all afternoon! So got into my room, stripped naked and went right to bed. But sleep wouldn’t come to me.” His voice got lower with each word. “The feeling of your lips still lingered on mine. I could still taste your tongue. My thigh still tingled from your touch. My cock still ached for your hand. And so I slipped mine underneath the sheets—”

“You fucking win! Bloody stop!” Alex was breathless. “I was just flirting! I was…I was teasing! You are…it’s not fair!”

“Imagine how I felt!” Miles was satisfied. Well, not satisfied. He’d need Alex for that. But he was pleased with himself for rattling Alex so thoroughly.

“I’m hanging up now,” announced Alex, slightly ill-tempered. “You’ve put me in a state of…vexation.”

“I love it when you use words like that.”

Alex hung up. Miles laughed as he tossed the phone away.

Friday

Miles was early when he arrived in the South of France, where Zack had rented an enormous villa right at the edge of a private lake, surrounded by a small forest and vast wheat fields. The picturesque beauty was breathtaking, and it reminded him a lot of the time he’d spent in France with Alex a few years back while recording their first album.

As he got his bag from the trunk of the cab, another cab pulled up in the wide driveway. Miles smiled timidly at the person getting out of it. Hesitantly. “Hey.”

Matt gave a short nod, got his own bag from his cab’s trunk and as both cabs drove up, both guys ended up awkwardly waiting for somebody to speak up.

Miles made the first step. “I’m sorry for what I said.” He spotted a bench near the large entrance and motioned for it. “Can we talk?”

“I wanted to call but I knew you’d be here.” Matt took a seat next to Miles. “I heard you, okay? I won’t butt in again.”

“Forget I said that!” Miles felt horrible for how his last call with Matt had ended. “I know you meant well. It’s all my fault. I wasn’t in a good place. The last few weeks were kind of a non-stop roller coaster.”

“I get that,” said Matt, taking off his sunglasses. “I was trying to help. Calling you a pushover wasn’t the way to go, I guess.”

Miles took his sunglasses off as well and met Matt’s eyes. “That stung a bit.”

“I didn’t mean it like that. I hope you know that. Man, we’ve been friends for a decade! I don’t filter my words with you. I said a bad thing and I’m sorry, too.”

“How did you mean it?” asked Miles. The sun was burning bright and he put his sunglasses back on.

“Alex was in Los Angeles. He told us about the two of you and actually admitted that he was in love with you. That was a fucking big thing for him to do. He booked his flight to London to get you, to be with you.”

Miles shook his head. “I told you what he told me—”

“That doesn’t change the fact, Miles. Did he tell you that he ran into Taylor? She told him that he ruins the lives of everyone he loves. And you know Alex. Shit like that gets to him. He’s dumb like that. So I get why he said what he said to you. The part that I don’t get is you agreeing with him.”

Wiping the building sweat from his forehead, Miles sighed. He wished Alex had told him about his run in with Taylor. It certainly explained a few things. He wanted nothing more than to tell Alex that Taylor had told him a bunch of bullshit and that he could never possibly ruin his life, except by one day deciding to walk out of it. But at the end of the day, it didn’t change that Miles considered himself not good enough to be Alex’s partner. His friend had told him that he was restless and selfish. Well, he was, too! Miles had always placed music above all else.

Except…he’d never placed it above Alex.

The thought irritated Miles. He pushed it away. And what did it matter anyway? That wasn’t the only reason that spoke against a relationship!

They would never find the time to be with each other!

Only, they’d managed to see each other almost weekly lately, despite living in different countries and touring and generally being busy.

The heat was getting to him and Miles groaned, wiping away more sweat. What was with his thoughts today? Why was he suddenly doubting his decision?

And so what? What if they had met up? What about…well…what about the restlessness? He’d felt it in every relationship!

Just never with Alex.

“God, damnit,” cursed Miles.

“You okay?” asked Matt.

Miles shook his head. “I had it all figured out! Al didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know already when he said we’d never be able to make it work! And his arguments made sense!” He leaned back, let his eyes fall shut. “He was right. WE were right to decide against it!”

Matt chuckled for a moment. “The thing about Alex is that he loves to sound smart and wise. But if you strip away his big words and his eloquent prose, what remains is – at times – a bloody coward. Take it from somebody who has observed you and Alex for a decade now: The guy is fucking nuts for you. He’s an emotional wreck, though. He gets curious, he looks, and if sees danger or pain, he pulls his head in and locks the door. You got to coax him out of his shell. You’re the only one who can. If you had told him that you disagree, that you want him, you’d be together right now!” Matt gave him a sympathetic smile. “Why won’t you do it?”

Because of that one reason that continuously beat all other reasons. “What if we fail?”

Matt got up, stretched and grumbled. “Damn heat. I need something to drink.” He looked back over his shoulder and grinned. “What if you don’t? Have you ever considered that?” He picked up his bag. “Come on. Let’s get out of this sun!”

As Miles got up, another car pulled up. Alex had arrived. Before Miles could stop himself, a smile flew to his face. He straightened up, stood taller and readjusted his sunglasses. Next to him, he could hear Matt chuckling.

“You guys are ridiculous,” remarked Matt and laughed harder. “Lovesick little puppets! Enjoy your reunion. I need water!”


	19. A New Normal

Alex saw him standing near the entrance, next to Matt, rolling his eyes hard at whatever his drummer was laughing at. At least they had made up! If there was one thing he hated, it was being stuck in the middle while two people he cared about were fighting. As he grabbed his bag and made his way towards them, Matt left for the inside. Miles remained. Waiting. Smiling.

Not even bothering to fight his own smile, Alex walked up to him and dropped his bag, wordlessly hauling him in for a fierce hug and an entirely inappropriate, completely drawn out kiss on the cheek. “Hi.”

“Hi,” replied Miles, beaming radiantly at him, letting his hands linger on Alex’s waist.

Alex tried not to lick his lips as he took in Miles’ appearance. Even in the blistering heat he managed to look like a freaking GQ model. His smile morphed into an almost roguish grin as Miles’ lingering hands left burn marks beneath his shirt. “Waiting for me?”

“Always.” The smile on Miles’ face shifted as well, taking its own turn towards something a little slyer. “Spoke to Zack last night.” Miles picked up his bag, slung it over his shoulder, then reached for Alex’s bag and picked it up as well. “Told him I was exhausted and badly needed a day of vacation. He actually felt sorry for me. Offered me the big bedroom with the balcony and private bathroom.”

Alex chuckled. He was actually impressed. Miles rarely ever played the pity card. “Well done!” He wanted to grab his bag from him, but Miles refused to let go. “You don’t have to carry my bag! I can do it.”

“I know.” Miles leaned in, quickly pecked Alex’s cheek and shrugged. “Come on. You are bunking with me, right?”

Eyes still stuck on the bag, Alex felt the oddest sensation in his chest. It was such a simple, kind gesture. They had carried each other’s bags and whatnots a hundred times. But this time, it was different. It felt like it meant something more. But what?

“Al?”

“Huh?”

“I asked, you are bunking with me, right? You drifted off there for a moment.”

Alex tried to shrug that curious feeling off. “Depends,” he answered Miles’ question. “Is there a spare couch that you can sleep on?”

Miles bumped Alex’s shoulder playfully. “Funny. If anyone’s sleeping on the couch, it’s you!”

“Here’s a novel idea,” suggested Alex, laughing, “we could share the bed?” As though there was any doubt that they wouldn’t do that anyway.

Miles dragged his teeth across his bottom lip, distracting Alex. “I don’t know, Al. We’ve done it few times and I’ve noticed something alarming.”

“You have?” Alex forced his eyes away from Miles’ mouth and fell in line behind him as they made their way up the winding staircase. For no good reason at all, but simply because he wanted to and because he felt peculiarly possessive about Miles lately, he reached out and curled his finger through a belt loop on the back of Miles’ pants.

Miles smirked, but didn’t comment on that, instead elaborated on his observation. “You always steal my pillow. I don’t think that’s fair.”

Alex could point out that, in response to him stealing Miles’ pillow, Miles usually ended up sleeping on Alex’s chest, something he rather enjoyed. But he didn’t feel like admitting that and just grinned instead. “You should really just get used to that.” As the words slipped from his lips it dawned on him that somewhere along way sharing a bed with Miles had stopped being a rare or random occurrence. Instead, it had become the new normal. And in his head, Alex could no longer imagine a future in which Miles’ bed would be off limits to him. Did Miles feel the same? Should they talk about that?

“Fellas! Welcome!” Zack was standing in the middle of the hallway of the first floor, holding a bunch of room keys. “Turner, I have you at left end of the hallway. Kane, as promised, main bedroom. Right side!” He held out two keys.

Alex took the one which was aimed at Miles. “We’ll share. Thanks.”

“Whatever,” shrugged Zack. “Means we got one more room to offer and somebody won’t have to sleep on the couch tonight. Big room is that way,” he said, pointing towards the end of the hallway. “Every room comes with a gift basket. I personally selected the items. Food will be ready in an hour. Help yourself to drinks. And enjoy your stay at Zack’s magnificent party castle!”

Miles laughed as he made his way towards the room. “Wonder what gifts has chosen!”

Alex, who’d walked ahead and unlocked, entered the room first, made a quick stop by the windows to open them wide and then took in the bedroom. “Well…” It was an old and sprawling French villa. Naturally, the decor was sprawling as well. He blew out a breath as he attempted to find something nice to say. “The bed looks…big.”

“And gaudy,” said Miles, who had no problems stating the tacky truth. “A whole lot of wood!”

Alex busted out in laughter. “And condoms!” He held up Zack’s basket, wiggling it in front of Miles’ eyes. “Lube, massage gel, a vibrator and, surprisingly, peanuts. What kind of party is this? Did we miss something?” He dug around the basket some more and pulled out a paper door sign. “Check this out, Mi!” He held up the sign, which had two sides. “Don’t knock, just enter, or,” read Alex, turning the sign around, “Don’t enter, just knock.”

Miles’ eyes were getting teary from laughing. “We’re bloody locking the door tonight!”

“Maybe barricade it, too! Thank God we have our own bathroom!”

Dropping down on the large and almost intimidating bed, Miles closed his eyes and let out a long sigh. “This mattress is very comfortable!”

“Yeah?” Alex dropped down next to Miles. “True, that.” Then he rolled to his side, popped his head on his arm and watched his friend. He seemed content and at ease and susceptible to granting favors. “Mi?”

“Mmm.”

“How much do you like me?”

Miles opened his eyes carefully. There was a hint of alarm in them, Alex could tell. It reverberated in Miles’ voice. “Why?”

Biting the inside of his cheek, Alex looked down sheepishly. “I know you leave for Portugal tomorrow. And that you have your show on Sunday. Monday is your day off and you told me you plan on spending it at the beach. Which you should do. Enjoy it, I mean that. But your next gig after that isn’t until Saturday. And it’s in Brussels. My place is sort of in the middle of that.” He began playing with a loose threat of Miles’ sleeve. A nervous gesture. “And…er…I mean you could come to Paris on Tuesday and leave on Thursday and still have plenty of time to rehearse and stuff like that.”

“Are you asking me to spend time with you next week?” Miles sounded doubtful.

Alex smiled cheekily. “I told you about my plans for a new bedroom, right? Got rid of the old one and bought a new bed and new bedside tables. Found it in a little furniture store just outside of Paris. They’ll deliver and set it all up. But they didn’t have a dresser, so I ordered one online a—”

“You? Ordered online?” asked Miles incredulously.

Alex rolled his eyes. What was with his need for details? “Asked my mom to order it online.” Miles was laughing again. “I knew that would happen!”

“Sorry,” wheezed Miles. “Go ahead, keep telling me about the dresser.”

A few inaudible grumbles later, Alex continued. “Anyway, she ordered it from Ikea…”

The laughing got louder. Alex rolled his eyes again. Harder this time. “Would you stop it? It’s a really nice dresser! Fits perfectly to the rest of the new stuff. But I have to assemble it myself. So, I was wondering if you have time to assemble it with me?” Which, and that part Alex didn’t voice, also presented a perfectly legitimate opportunity to have Miles visit him for a few days. “You’re my best friend,” Alex pointedly reminded him. “It’s what best friends do!”

Miles’ laughter ceased into a smile. “I’ll help, alright. I’ll be there on Tuesday.”

Alex was delighted. He leaned down and gave him a quick kiss. “Thank you!”

“That’s all I get?” Miles looked up at him, pouting. “One lousy little kiss?”

Alex grinned slyly. “You haven’t done anything yet. And if you keep calling my kisses lousy, that little peck will remain all you get.”

“In that case, I meant to call your kiss magnificent.” Miles leaned up on his arms, smirking. “Ardent. Breathtaking. Thunderous!”

Alex smiled hard. “Oh really?” His head dipped lower. The fact that Mr. Boundaries himself was practically begging for a kiss did wicked things to his confidence. He’d never doubted his abilities to turn his partners on but to have this effect on Miles was infinitely more exciting.

“A thing of beauty. A new world.” Miles’ voice grew huskier with each word. His lips were only a hair’s breadth apart from Alex’s. “A dream.”

“It was a lousy little kiss, wasn’t it?” whispered Alex. The tip of his tongue darted out, licked along the top of Miles’ upper lip, then trailed languidly along the curve of the lower one. “Better?” Another lick. “Is this more to your liking?” Then he placed a slow, but firm kiss on Miles’ mouth, melting together for a moment. “Or this?” He did it again. Then ghosted his lips against Miles’ earlobe, brushed his tongue against his jawline and bit down gently into the skin of his neck. “Do you want my kiss elsewhere?”

“I want your lips elsewhere,” croaked Miles.

Alex leaned up just enough to catch Miles’ dusky eyes. He raised a brow and grinned. That was a surprisingly blunt and strikingly hot admission from his friend, who now had a hint of a blush on his cheeks. “Is that so?” His hand wandered from Miles’ sleeve to his chest and began toying with the fabric of his shirt’s collar. “Tell me,” he demanded, his voice affected, excited, “where would you like my lips to go? Maybe I can help you out.”

Miles groaned, grabbed Alex’s hand, stopped him from touching his neck. “Stop teasing me,” he begged. “There’s a party downstairs, we have to go down, we—” He swallowed hard when Alex bit his earlobe. “Stop…”

“Zack is giving his guests sex toys,” hushed Alex, licking the spot he’d just bitten, finding it utterly erotic to watch Miles writhe beneath his slight little touches. “He expects people to show up late!”

“Hey, guys, ready to— use the fucking door sign,” yelled Matt, who had not knocked, and now no doubt wished he had. “Meet you down in a few!”

Alex let go of Miles, laid backwards on the bed. He wanted to scream in frustration. “You didn’t lock the door!?”

Miles rolled away from Alex, onto his stomach, and buried his face in his arms. “I didn’t plan on…_this_!”

“Well, neither did I,” Alex let him know and rubbed his face, desperate for a relief and suddenly so far away from one! “Argh!” He got off the bed, walked wordlessly into the bathroom and came to a halt in front of the basin, staring into the large mirror. He felt even worse than he looked, which he considered a remarkable achievement. Letting his view drop low, he saw the bulge in his pants and wanted to cry. That one wouldn’t go away by itself, realized Alex, and undid his pants. “Go ahead,” he called for Miles. “I’ll meet you downstairs!” He pushed his pants down, then his briefs, and grabbed himself, giving himself a few good, long strokes.

“What did you—”

Alex stared at Miles as he stood in the doorway. With one hand on his cock and the other one holding onto the basin, he wasn’t sure what to do or say. Not that he could do much or say anything. His head had little to no blood left at all. His body was pulsating with arousal. And having Miles watch him like that, with a look so fucking hungry that it made him growl, had Alex on the very edge of explosion already. His hand moved, involuntarily. A single stroke up his cock. It was aching so badly.

Miles’ eyes were glued to it, he was licking his lips. “Should have knocked,” he muttered, his voice thick and raspy. He took a step towards Alex, who in return took the shakiest step backwards. Miles moved another step towards him. Alex was losing his mind. He’d never experienced a moment more intense than this one. Miles made one more step. And then he was standing right in front of him. “Tell me what to do,” he whispered, stealing Alex’s breath right from his lips. “Should I go?”

No. No, going was the last thing Alex wanted him to do. He shook his head.

“Should I stay?” asked Miles, uneven and almost inaudibly.

Alex nodded. It was such a vulnerable moment, to be standing like that in front of another person. But in front of Miles, Alex didn’t feel shy or embarrassed. Not even exposed. The opposite. He felt wanted. He felt desired. And he felt unfathomably unsatisfied! “Miles…” His head tilted forward. Noses were touching. Eyes were fluttering.

Miles held his breath as he slowly reached out, placing his hand on top of Alex’s, circling the girth of his erection. Alex gasped. His eyes slammed shut. His other hand grabbed the basin more tightly, clawing it almost. When Miles caught Alex’s lips in a kiss so hard that it hurt in the most deliriously enjoyable way, his legs gave out and Alex drooped forward, pressed against Miles’ hard chest.

Miles gave him the softest of smiles as he nuzzled along his jaw. “Talk to me.” His fist moved up and down his cock. “Tell me how you want me to touch you.” He gave him a light squeeze. “Do you want slow and gentle?” A kiss on along the jaw. “Or hard and fast?” He nipped his neck. Alex shuddered.

“Hard,” Alex managed to say. “Want it hard.”

And Miles obliged. His fingers tightened their grip for a moment. Then he let go. Alex grunted in objection. “Don’t!”

Keeping his lips on Alex’s jaw, Miles reassured him. “Patient.” He grabbed the small sample sized tube of lotion next to the hand soap, squeezed some of it into his hand and retook his hold on Alex’s hardness.

Alex shivered at the coldness of the lotion first and then, he shivered for an entirely different reason. As Miles began to stroke him faster, stronger, harder, he suckled on the tender skin on his neck. All of it was becoming too much. Alex transformed into a puddle of molten desire. He needed more, needed to taste, to feel, to do something!

He unbuckled Miles’ pants with frantic motions, squeezed some lotion onto his hand and reached into his friend’s briefs, finding him hard and big and precisely as he remembered him to be. Sinking his teeth into Miles’ shoulders, he took unabashed pleasure in the carnal, guttural sounds of arousal that spilled from his throat. His pace matched Miles and it didn’t take long for them to get there. The silence of the bathroom was drowned out by the salacious sounds of heavy breathing, skin on skin, lewd moans and grunting.

Alex watched as both of them came together, spilling on each other’s stomachs at the same time. His body collapsed backwards against the basin and Miles pinned him to it, spent and breathless, but with enough energy left for one last greedy kiss. When he pulled back, Alex stood there stupidly and deliciously happy. He was so fucking pleased with it all that he couldn’t stop smiling. “That was…” He dropped his head against Miles’ heaving chest. “That…was something else.”

Miles lowered his head as well, rubbed his cheek against Alex’s. “Thank you, babe. Thank you.”

“For a hand job?” Alex found it endlessly amusing to be thanked for that. 

Miles did, too. And grinned. “That felt so fucking good.”

“It really did!” There was no denying that. Alex let his hands wander up Miles’ shirt, pushed it upwards and stripped him of it. He got rid of his own as well. Then he curled his arms around Miles’ neck and kissed him languidly, taking his time to enjoy every last second of it. It felt insane to have him like this, willing and available and all to himself. There was no time limit, no one else to interrupt. Miles returned the kiss, smiling into it as his hands traveled lazily across Alex’s bare skin. When Alex felt that familiar tingle in his balls, he leaned back and shook his head with a smirk. “Don’t doubt for a second that I want more of that, but I need water. And food. But mostly water.”

Miles laughed as he brushed some strands of hair from Alex’s damp forehead. “Anything you want, love.”


	20. Say Yes, Please

Half an hour later, cleaned up and dressed nicely, Miles strolled down the stairs, Alex in tow. “Why do you keep walking behind me?” he wondered.

Alex smirked. He still couldn’t shrug that feeling of happiness. Not that he wanted to. It clung to him like a second skin. “I like the view from here.”

Miles tossed him a dirty grin over his shoulder. “Careful, or our friends might figure out that you fancy me a bit.”

“Let them, I don’t care.” Alex couldn’t imagine not having Miles, and the harder he tried to stay away from him, the less he succeeded. The more he tried to reason with himself that giving into Miles was a horrible idea, the less his heart paid attention.

And he felt his arguments slipping away from him. How could he say that they wouldn’t find time for each other when it was so easy lately to find time for each other? How could he reason with restlessness when he only ever felt it in the absence of Miles? How could he claim to be selfish in the presence of a partner when Miles’ presence made him anything but that?

What if Taylor had it wrong? What if he could make it work? If he hadn’t ruined Miles’ life by now, didn’t that mean that maybe he might not ruin it at all?

“You okay?”

Alex blinked. “What?”

“Got quiet there all of sudden.”

“Oh…just…thinking.”

Miles fell in step next to him, slung his arm around his shoulders and kissed his temple. “Stop doing that. Thinking. It’s not good for you.”

“Oh really?” chuckled Alex.

“It’s a party. We’re here to _not _think,” he explained to him.

Zack, Matt and a few others were sitting near the pool and waiving at them. Miles led Alex there. “Should we decide on a codeword before we sit down?”

“Codeword for what?” asked Alex, confused.

Leaning in, brushing his lips against Alex’s ear, Miles whispered, “For when you need me so badly that it’s tearing you apart. A codeword that lets me know that I need to follow you and do something about your state.”

Alex struggled for air. He was trapped in a weird mixture of amusement and arousal and as he was laughing, he couldn’t help but pinch Miles’ butt. “You’re crazy, you know that?”

“It’s why you love me,” quipped Miles.

The words came out so fast and so naturally that it startled them both. Alex could tell by the look in Miles’ eyes. “It’s true,” admitted Alex after a beat. Their eyes locked, until the calls and whistles from their friends became too loud to ignore.

“Well, what did we miss?” asked Alex as he sat down next to Miles.

“Nothing much,” said Matt, placing two full bottles of beer in front of them. “David was telling us about his upcoming wedding. Big party across the pond.”

The David in question sat a few seats down the large table. “Huge thing. Can’t wait to see you all,” he said. “Sure you can’t make it, Miles?”

“We already locked down the gigs in eastern Europe. I’ll fly out and celebrate with you later this year. Promise.”

“Do that,” agreed David and the two of them got lost in a discussion about some band they’d heard. Some others joined in as well. Alex, meanwhile, enjoyed just sitting there. He’d never felt the need to talk much. He rather liked listening to stories.

He also liked that Miles had his arm still slung over his shoulder and was absentmindedly playing with a strand of hair at the back of his head. It was innocent, really, but also not. It was full of intimacy. It was a gesture that let everyone know that Miles had that certain special privilege that allowed him to touch Alex in public, that allowed him to venture into his personal space and get comfortable there. It was a touch that let every know that Alex was his and Alex very much loved being Miles’. He also enjoyed having the same privileges and so he reached out, placed his arm over Miles’ shoulder and lightly ran his fingers through his friend’s hair. To know that he was allowed to do that, to just touch him whenever he felt like it, was giving him a strange sense of accomplishment, like he must have done something right to deserve that. Miles flashed him a brief but bright smile before returning to his conversation.

Matt leaned over towards Alex. “So that thing that I saw, whatever that was, does it mean that you and he are a thing now?”

“It means,” said Alex, “that we forgot to lock the door, which won’t happen again!” He checked and found everyone else still locked in a discussion. He lowered his voice. “And no, we’re not. He and I…” How was he supposed to define something that defied all common definitions? “We’re just friends, only…not just friends.”

Matt nodded towards the poolside and Alex got up and followed him there. “You know he wants to be with you, right? I care for the both of you. I want my friends to be happy.”

“I appreciate your enthusiasm for my love life,” snickered Alex, “but he, too, believes that—”

“He believes that’s what you want,” interrupted Matt. “And he’s as scared as you are…”

Alex rolled his eyes but as he listened to Matt’s ramblings, his attention was drawn back to Miles. He was still in the midst of an avid discussion with their friends, but every now and then his eyes strayed towards him. Not for long, just a second or two, until he caught himself and looked away again. His friend’s fingers, however, remained fixed in one place – the neck of his beer bottle. And his thumb and index finger were slowly, gently, absentmindedly travelling up and down the damp glass. He was jerking off the damn bottle and didn’t even realize it! Alex couldn’t stop staring. He really shouldn’t have laughed at Miles’ suggestion of a codeword!

“Stop drooling!” Matt snorted. “For two people who are so worried that sex might destroy their friendship, you’re awfully eager to get it on!”

Alex was dumbstruck. He wanted to object, to call Matt out for his words, but the guy had spoken the truth. And he hated being confronted by the truth, especially when it was a truth he refused to acknowledge! “We’re not— That’s not…no?!”

“Speechless?” Matt scoffed. “Figures.”

“Out of all the people, you’re the one who should understand why I’m scared! You and Bri were friends before you got together. And now you’re divorced. If you hadn’t gotten together, you’d still be friends!”

Matt shot him a harsh glare. “Listen up, Al! I love you dearly, but you’re a fucking idiot! I would do it all over again, exactly the same way, If I could. Even knowing how it will end. I wouldn’t want to miss a single memory I made with her. We didn’t succeed and that hurt. I moved on and I’m happy again. But while it was good, it was incredible. So no, I don’t understand.”

Alex looked away, ashamed. “I’m sorry I said that. It was bad. It’s just…she’s no longer in your life. And if Miles and I were to mess it up, he’d no longer be in my life.”

“You don’t know that, Alex. Think about it, you kind of messed it up already. And he’s still there!” Matt gave his shoulder a playful punch.

Well, not that playful. Alex winced. “OW!”

“Oh, toughen up! You’re such wuss lately!”

Alex punched Matt’s shoulder and when he winced in pain, Alex raised his eyebrow pointedly. “Sorry, did that hurt?”

“Fine, I take it back!” Matt chuckled. “Let’s grab some food. Before you tempt me into throwing a real punch.”

“Think you can deck me?” Alex grinned as they made their way to the large BBQ grill. “Try, I dare you, Helders!”

“Someday, Turner. Someday.”

It was well into the night when Alex found Miles on one of the oversized loungers by the pool, gazing up into the clear night’s sky.

“One of us always ends up doing that.”

Miles turned to smile at him. “Want to watch the stars with me?”

Alex got onto the lounger and climbed behind Miles, who in return got comfortable between Alex’s legs. Leaning back, he rested his head against Alex’s chin and tugged Alex’s arms around his torso. Alex was only too happy to accommodate him.

After a while of silently watching the firmament, Alex posed a question he’d been wrecking his mind about for days now. “How about a new couch?”

“You don’t like your old one anymore?” Miles dipped his head backwards, trying to meet Alex’s eyes. “Do you ever even sit on it?”

“Maybe,” suggested Alex, “if I liked it more, I would sit on it more often. I could watch TV on it. Or…nap.” What else did one do on a couch?

“Make out on it?” grinned Miles.

“But you’re never around to make out with,” countered Alex. The thought of making out with anyone else never even crossed his mind. “I think you should visit me more. At least once a month. And I could visit you once a month. That way we would see each other at least twice a month.” A grin lit Alex’s face. “And if we agree to meet a third time at whatever random place you and I might be at any given moment, we would see each other at least three times a month.” And if we moved in together, a voice whispered faintly, we’d see each other much more often than that. But Alex didn’t dare to say that out loud. They weren’t together! Where did that thought even come from?!

Miles shifted, tried to get a closer look at Alex. “What are you trying to tell me?”

“I’m just saying that…” Alex wasn’t sure what he was trying to say. “We should see each other more often, is what I’m trying to say, I guess.”

Miles nodded as his attention returned to the stars. “I’d like to see you more often.”

A smile settled comfortably on Alex’s face and he began to run his fingers lightly up and down the back of Miles’ hands. “It’s been two years and ten months since the last time we’ve done this.”

“The night I kissed you,” remembered Miles. ”So much has happened since then.”

Alex nodded. He felt his friend slightly stiffening in his arms. “You’re okay?”

“I’m going to ask you something.” Miles began to fidget. “But you need to be honest with me. Even if it hurts my feelings. It’s one of those times where I can tell when you lie.”

Alex covered Miles’ hands with his and linked their fingers reassuringly, steadying them. “I promise.”

Miles took a deep breath. “Was there ever a moment when you regretted that I kissed you? Your life would be much different if hadn’t done that. You could still be with Taylor right now.”

Alex caught Miles’ eyes as he tugged him further into his arms. “When you kissed me, you showed me that there was an entire world out there that I had never even glimpsed at. Your lips introduced me to a whole new universe. You took away the limits of my life and made it endlessly more exciting. If there is one thing I regret, then it’s not kissing you back that night.” He dipped his head forward, gently kissed Miles and beamed at him. “I’ll be forever grateful that you kissed me.”

Miles smiled at him so bright, so full of emotion and happiness that Alex’s heart beat faster and it brought back another memory of that night. He smirked. “Did you know that your kiss lasted five heartbeats?”

“What?” Miles turned slightly, adjusted in Alex’s strong arms. His eyes crinkled in amusement and something else, something Alex couldn’t define. Was this how love looked like in somebody else’s eyes? “You counted them?”

“I did. I couldn’t possibly not. My heart was beating so loud in that moment. But I don’t know if it was beating fast or slow. I lost all sense for time. Afterwards, as I tried to sort my thoughts, you leaned back and whispered that you’d fantasized about doing that for a while now.”

Miles’ eyes went wide. “So that’s what that line was about! I don’t remember whispering anything to you.”

Alex wasn’t surprised. “Well, you promptly fell asleep and left me sitting there, counting the stars, trying to make sense of it all!”

“Did you make sense of it?”

“Never did,” admitted Alex. “I still don’t know why you did it.”

“I couldn’t not do it,” Miles said. “Sometimes I think I was meant to kiss you that night.” He frowned as he rolled on his stomach, facing Alex as he laid on top of him. “My fantasy was kissing you. I know you said you’ve fantasized about me, but you never gave me any details! What, precisely, did you imagine when you let your mind run free?”

“Oh, wouldn’t you like to know?” Alex laughed. He brushed a strand of hair from Miles’ forehead. “At that point, when I wrote the song? I had very virtuous fantasies about you and me, about chaste little kisses in shadowy corners. Nothing dirty.” He placed a lingering kiss on Miles’ lips.

Miles turned back around with a smile, getting cozy between Alex’s legs again. As he snuggled his head back against the side of Alex’s face, he resumed watching the stars. “And later?”

“Later?” Alex nuzzled Miles’ cheek, craving the sensation of his slight stubble as it lightly scratched the tip of his nose. “You mean, did my fantasies dip their toes into the dirty pond? Well, there’s one I rather like,” he hushed, trailing one hand down the front of Miles’ abdomen, “want to know about it?” He felt Miles nod shakily. Alex traced the outlines of Miles’ pecks through his shirt. “You’re on stage, playing a song, standing in front of the mic. It’s a hot day and you’re covered in sweat. Everyone’s loving your show. And I’m watching from the side of the stage. Until I can’t take it anymore.” Miles was growing restless and Alex felt spurred on. “I walk out and stand in front of you but you’re forever the professional performer and ignore me. So, I drop to my knees and undo your zipper. I take you out and find you hard and leaking and I swallow you completely, right there, on stage, in front of thousands of people. And I suck you off so hard…” Alex dug his hands into Miles’ hips as he squirmed in his arms. He nipped at his neck, then sucked hard on his skin, leaving a mark. “Dirty enough for you? I got more,” he offered, his voice thick and raw.

Miles grabbed his hand, entwined their fingers and placed it on top of his erection. Alex grinned victoriously. “This has turned you on, baby!” Alex pushed their joined hands down, rubbed Miles’ cock through his jeans. He tried to get his own bit of friction by pushing himself against the back of Miles’ butt, grinding. Their movements turned frantic, urgent, until—

  
“This looks like fun,” said a female voice, towering above Alex and Miles and disrupting them in the most unwelcoming of moments. “Mind if me and my friend join in?”

Blinking, trying to make sense of the voice and groaning irately at being disturbed, Alex looked up and glared. “I don’t share. Get fucking lost!”

He heard Miles chuckling. “We forgot that it’s that kind of party,” Miles reminded him in a bout of laughter. “Should have brought that door sign with us.”

Alex groaned, giving up on grinding and stroking, instead resuming to cuddle. “Maybe we should keep the sexual acts behind closed doors, at least for the duration of _this _party!”

Miles succumbed to laughter.

As Alex watched Miles’ laughter die down and his focus for the stars return, something occurred to him. Something he needed an answer for. Right away. “Miles?”

“Hm?”

“Do we share?”

“What?” Miles looked up over his shoulder, giving Alex the strangest look.

“I mean, I know I don’t want to share. But I can’t speak for you, can I?” Alex struggled to find the words for what he was trying to ask. Well, he knew what he wanted to ask, but that would require defining them. Which, as was obvious, was a bit complicated.

“Are you asking me if we’re exclusive?”

“Well…” Alex rolled his eyes. “We’re not a ‘we’ in the average sense of the word 'we’, are we?”

“You’re confusing me.”

Alex grunted. “I’m confusing myself! Are we exclusive?” He blurted again. Impatient. “This thing…whatever the fuck it is, is it just us?”

Miles’ squinty look of perplexity made room for a slow smile. “Al, whatever the fuck it is, it is just us. No sharing. No one else. Just you and me.”

Alex wrapped his arms possessively around Miles and nodded. “Good. I’m happy we cleared that up.”

“Me too,” grinned Miles. “Remind me to cancel my other dates for the week!”

Alex bit down on Miles’ neck. “Not funny!”

“I think it’s very funny.” Miles wiggled deeper into Alex’s arms. “But you can rest easy. I’m all yours.” Taking Alex’s hand and bringing it to his lips, Miles kissed the back of it.

Forever? Asked that faint voice in the back of Alex’s head. He pushed that thought away, once again. Instead, he watched Miles as his attention got lost in the sky.

“Still trying to arrange the stars into a song?” He’d come to find that Miles enjoyed watching the night’s sky even more than he himself did, which was remarkable.

“I’m trying to catch their tune,” spoke Miles and took one of Alex’s hands in his. He lifted it up, aligned their index fingers and pointed at a star. “See it? It’s twinkling. All the stars are. But sometimes you have to look a long time to catch it.” His cheek rubbed against Alex’s. “I think the stars are listening to a silent melody and dancing along to the tune. One day I’ll figure out what it sounds like,” he said and pecked Alex’s cheek.

“Go on a date with me.”

Miles sat up, stunned. He turned, looked at Alex in shock. “What?”

“Tuesday night, when you’re in Paris, go on a date with me.” Alex leaned up as well. He placed his hand on Miles’ face, cupping it gently. Even though his question had visibly startled him, Miles leaned into his touch as though it was the most natural thing in the world. And it brought a moment of calm to him. But as Miles remained silent, Alex got nervous again. His voice turned quiet. “Say yes, Miles. Please.”

“If I do…” Miles swallowed hard, his words were unsteady. “What if I like it? What if we like it? What if we want to go on another date?” He sounded as shaken as Alex. “What then?”

Alex took a trembling breath. He was startled by his own words. “Then we go on another date.”

Miles’ voice got even more jittery. “What if we like that, too?”

He knew what Miles was asking and reached for his hand, squeezing it. Feeling him return the gesture, Alex got a little braver. He dared to smile. And touched Miles’ nose with the tip of his own. “What if we can make it work, Miles? What if we won’t mess it up?”

Miles pressed his forehead against Alex’s, sounding breathless and full of emotion. “Do you really want to try?”

“It’s all I want!” Alex kissed him. “I can’t be without you anymore!” Another kiss.

He hadn’t meant to ask him that. Hadn’t planned on asking him out. But as he was holding onto Miles and listening to his musings about stars and silent songs, he’d realized that no matter how hard he would try, he’d never be able to let go of him again.

He couldn’t imagine a day where he wouldn’t want to feel his lips, taste his kiss, listen to his thoughts and get lost in his shiny big eyes when he smiled. And all of sudden, it didn’t matter anymore that he was scared and nervous and unsure how to actually do it all – this whole happily-ever-after thing was new to him, after all. The only thing that mattered was knowing that Miles would be there with him, all the way, right down to the very end.

And if the end should ever arrive, they’d manage that together as well. They would remain friends forever. There was no longer a shred of doubt in Alex’s mind. For he had finally understood. Love wasn’t about succeeding or failing. It was about seeing the other one smile. And making Miles smile was something Alex could easily do for the rest of his life.

“I need to hear it, Miles. Say yes,” Alex pleaded again. “Tuesday night. Dinner and a movie. You and me.”

When Miles gave him his big, happy smile, Alex felt the floor beneath him disappear. And when Miles finally said yes, Alex felt like he was flying for the first time in his life.


	21. Date Night

“I’m truly disappointed! I thought we were friends, yet this is how you treat me? It’s just not acceptable. I’m considering breaking up with the two of you.”

Miles opened his eyes reluctantly, trying to make sense of that blaring voice that so rudely disturbed his peaceful slumber. Memories of last night slowly made their way back to the forefront of his consciousness. Memories of him and Alex, ceaselessly kissing and never tiring of it. Memories of him agreeing to go on a date with him. Memories of a drunk couple having sex in the pool right in front of them and memories of him and Alex having the time of their lives commentating on every single one of their moves until they had succumbed to laughter and the couple had succumbed to embarrassment.

Somewhere, between more making out and more laughing, they had fallen asleep. Alex was still snoring into Miles’ neck as he opened his eyes, finding the harsh summer sun and Matt Helders staring at him at the same time. “What the hell?”

“That’s what I thought when I realized you two have slept out here. Could have told me. I’d have gladly taken that big bedroom off your hands! I had to share a bathroom with three other people. Two of ‘em can’t stomach some simple vodka shots.”

Miles groaned as he placed his arm across his eyes. “Matt, it’s early. Too early. What do you want?”

“Airport shuttle will be here in ten. Rise and shine, lover boys. Time to say goodbye.” Matt slapped Miles’ shoulder with a chuckle, then walked away.

Another groan. Miles rolled Alex on his back and came to rest on top of him. He gently brushed some the tangled strands of hair from his forehead. “Wake up, babe!”

A sleepy Alex blinked, cursed, and refused to wake up.

Miles placed a gentle kiss on his lips. “Alex, come on. Wake up.”

“Five more minutes,” he mumbled, fumbling to slip his hand underneath Miles’ shirt. The contact made him shiver. “Then I’m all yours to fuck. Just five more minutes, please.”

Miles let out a whiny noise and sunk his face into the curve of Alex’s shoulder. “I don’t have time for sex. I don’t even have five more minutes.” He placed a deep kiss to his pulse. “Gotta go now.”

Alex’s eyes flew open. “What? Now? Fuck, that sun is bright!” He closed his eyes again.

Miles agreed with nod. “Gotta change and grab my bag. Airport shuttle will be here any minute. I’ll see you on Tuesday, babe.”

As Miles struggled to climb off the lounger, Alex moved with him, curled his arm around him and when Miles stood in front of the lounger, Alex stood on top of it, grabbing Miles’ head and leaning down to kiss him. His tongue ventured deep into his mouth, taking his sweet time to lick and tease.

A grumbled noise of protest slipped from Miles’ throat as he pulled away from Alex. “Don’t kiss me like that when I have to leave!”

Alex’s still sleepy face brightened with a grin. “Forget it. Have to make sure you’ll return to me.”

Miles reached for Alex’s head, grabbed it and kissed him hard. “Always!” Another groan and another kiss. “I really have to go.”

“Then go,” said Alex and didn’t let go.

Miles smiled. Happiness was a feisty drug. It had you hooked immediately. And it was even more addictive when you saw its effects on somebody else’s face. “One more kiss!”

“Okay.” Another kiss.

Then Miles stepped away. “Hey, when you say dinner, are we talking fancy dinner or burgers?”

“Why?”

“I have to bring the right outfit,” said Miles. Wasn’t that obvious? “Suit or jeans?”

“Don’t care,” smirked Alex. “But…” He hopped off the lounger and took slow, deliberate steps towards Miles, “wear that white shirt. The one with the tiny buttons. That tight one.”

Miles’ smile got cocky. “Like that one, huh?”

Alex nodded mischievously. “And a tie.”

“Kinky, Turner.” Miles reached out, placed yet another searing kiss on his lips, and let go. “Bye, love.”

“Bye, baby.”

-

Miles was leaning back on his chair, one leg swung over the other one, holding the fork with one hand and using it to move a few slices of carrot from left to right on his plate. His appetite had left long ago, along with his excitement to be on a date with Alex and, generally, his good mood. He watched Alex from the corner of his eyes as he massacred his steak, carving it into little pieces one by one. He had yet to eat a single bite.

He winced inwardly when he saw the waiter approaching. Poor guy!

“Everything to your liking? May I offer some more wine?” He spoke English, but his French accent was thick.

“How about a word with your cook. This steak is awful. I asked for medium and this feels like rubber.” Alex placed fork and knife away, letting them clink on the porcelain. “And our glasses are full, so there’s truly no need to offer any more, is there? You do see that, right?”

Miles looked at the waiter and when the guy met his eyes, looking positively frightened, Miles offered what he could only hope translated into a _very_apologetic smile. “Just leave,” he suggested warmly, “we’re fine.”

The waiter nodded as he made a quick exit. Alex, on the other hand, glared harshly at him. “Fine?”

“Rubber, Alex?” Miles tried to keep his voice low. “How would you know? How about you taste it, first?”

Instead of answering, Alex merely snorted. Which, in return, made Miles bite his tongue. He was so very tempted to walk out for a smoke and a tall glass of something way stronger than wine. But they were on their date. And he did not want to be the one to walk out first. So, he endured. Taking his wine glass, he held it up across the table, attempting to turn things around. “Should we toast to something?”

“To what? Dry meat and bad service?” Alex didn’t toast, just grabbed his glass and swallowed the expensive wine in one large gulp. “I’ve had better.”

Miles shook his head. “Should have ordered better, then.”

“What’s that?”

“I said, you should have ordered better, then. You picked that wine.”

“If you don’t like the wine I ordered, you could have said something!”

  
“That’s not–” He swallowed his frustration. “You know what, forget it.” Miles finished his own glass of wine and placed it back on the table. “Would you like to order something else? A new steak? An entirely different meal? Or just dessert?”

“And waste any more time at this godforsaken place?” Alex grimaced. “No thank you.”

“Alright.” Miles waved for the check. The waiter didn’t take long to arrive, placed the small booklet with the bill in front of Miles and visibly flinched when Alex reached for it. Miles put his hand on it first, gave Alex a warning look and watched him sternly as his fingers retreated. 

“Uh…Monsieur Kane, I’m a huge fan of your music. And your style. And the Fred Perry thing that you do! And yours as well, Monsieur Turner. But I’ve only ever been to one of your concerts, Monsieur Kane. It was a fantastic show.” The waiter leaned towards Miles. “May I ask for a huge favor and follow you out for a picture?”

Alex ignored him entirely, his eyes shooting daggers at Miles instead. “_I _asked _you _out. _I _should be doing that!” Then he glanced at the waiter sideways. “Wouldn’t you consider your question a bit impertinent?”

“Alex!” Miles hissed, then smiled at the waiter. “He’s joking. No problem. We’ll be outside, waiting for a cab. Just come find us.” He placed a few Euro notes into the booklet, underneath the bill, and handed it back to the waiter. “Thank you.” When he was gone, Miles pinned Alex down with a fiery glare. “Are you crazy?”

“Am _I _crazy?” Alex looked at him in utter disbelief. “You tipped him fifty Euros? Are you bloody nuts? I’ve gotten better service at Burger King!”

“Alex, the guy was bloody terrified of you! What the fuck is wrong with you, huh?”

“Nothing,” stated Alex and got up, not bothering to wait for Miles as he headed for the exit. Miles followed wordlessly. On his way out he spotted a chocolate cake on some other guest’s table. Suddenly he felt overcome by a fierce desire to take the cake and toss it straight into Alex’s face. Just for fun. But before he could take that desire and turn it into an actual plan, his date got impatient.

“Miles,” bellowed Alex from the door, startling not just him but also other guests in earshot.

“Yes, dear?” Knowing how much he hated that term, since his mother used it on him regularly, Miles smiled smugly and crossed his arms as he slowed down. Alex’s eyes got small and his lips pressed into a thin line. Miles was sure he saw smoke coming out of his nostrils! He chuckled at the idea, which in return pissed Alex off even more.

“Come on, Miles. Can you walk any slower?”

“I don’t know. Can I?”

Alex spun around, walked through the exit and Miles sputtered a laugh when he was hit by an onslaught of rain. By the time Miles caught up to him, he looked like a drenched poodle. He reached out and wiped a few raindrops from his nose. Teasing him. “Aren’t you adorable!”

“Say that again and I’ll bite,” snapped Alex. “Where are all the fucking cabs?”

“Busy,” assumed Miles tiredly, giving up on this night entirely. He felt the rain seeping into his suit and sighed. “It’s raining hard. Parisians don’t like getting their outfits wet.”

“Fucking amazing,” grumbled Alex as he headed down the sidewalk. “Let’s just walk. It’s not that far.”

“It’s two kilometers,” complained Miles. He could endure a lot. But walking two kilometers in the pouring rain while wearing his favorite suit and those damned boots that looked great but were painfully uncomfortable? That’s where Miles drew the line! “Let me just phone a cab company and order one!”

Alex was halfway down the block already. With clenched fists Miles sprinted to catch up with him. “Bloody idiot!” One day he’d make him pay for that! “Shit! Damnit!”

When Miles stopped out of nowhere, cursing, Alex stopped as well. “What’s wrong?”

“We forgot to take that picture with the waiter!”

“For fuck’s sake, Miles!” Alex resumed walking. “Get over the waiter!”

‘Deep breaths,’ Miles told himself. Repeatedly. ‘Just take deep breaths and don’t shove him into a ditch!’

-

“You forgot your house key?” Miles shook his head in incredulity. He looked at the sky, felt the pouring rain hit his face and began laughing. Not because it was amusing. Oh no! It was ridiculous. It was ludicrous. It was bloody fucking unbelievable! “Are you kidding me right now?” Wiping his wet face resignedly, he met Alex’s eyes. “You know what? Just take the bed. I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.”

Alex’s eyes snapped from the locked front door to Miles. “No!”

“No what?” asked Miles as he took in their surroundings. He spotted a big rock and was tempted to throw it through a window. Anything to go to sleep and end this day. “No, you’re not kidding?”

“No,” elaborated Alex, harshly, as he stepped into Miles’ field of vision. “You’re not sleeping on the fucking couch.” Miles blinked in surprise as Alex took another step towards him, trying to lecture him. “This is the one time we’re actually supposed to sleep in the same bed and I won’t have you spend your night on my bloody couch! Hold this!” Alex shoved his leather jacket into Miles’ startled hands and walked past him towards the tall fence behind thick shrubbery. “I left the patio door unlocked. Help me jump the fence!”

Miles snorted. “You’ve lost it, haven’t you? The fence is two meters tall! Alex,” warned Miles as he followed him into the bushes. “You’ll hurt yourself! Don’t do it!”

“It’s not the first time I’ve jumped it,” said Alex. “Get here, Miles. Come on, help me up! If walking two kilometers in the pouring rain won’t hurt me, jumping my own fence won’t, either!”

“I offered to call us a cab,” muttered Miles as he tossed Alex’s leather jacket to the muddy ground in anger. “There’s a world of difference between those two things, by the way! You could die!”

“Don’t be dramatic,” snapped Alex. “Besides, if I die, I won’t have to see you flirt with that waiter again!”

Miles ground his teeth. “I wasn’t fucking flirting with him! I was just being polite!”

“Polite is saying ‘thank you’ after paying the bill. You tipped him outrageously and gave him that fucking coy smile!”

“I tipped him ‘cause I felt sorry for him. He had to serve you tonight!”

Alex fisted both hands. “I did nothing wrong!”

“You complained about the place right in front of him,” pointed Miles out, rolling his eyes as hard as he could. “You refused to answer his question and called him impertinent when he asked for a picture with us!”

“That’s because I was on a date with you,” bit Alex back. “And I don’t like being interrupted in my private time for some fucking pictures!”

Miles bit back the words he wanted to say, took a few deep breaths, then linked his hands together, offering them to Alex. “Here. Climb up.”

Alex put his hand on Miles’ shoulders, about to place his foot into Miles’ hands when he stopped. He tossed him a dirty glare. “Changed your mind about wanting me dead, huh?”

“You have three seconds to accept my help. Take it or leave it.”

He took it. Alex placed his foot into Miles’ linked hands, used it to get his legs up and managed to reach the top of the fence. Then he swung himself over it and Miles heard the loud thud of a soaking wet Alex Turner hitting the soggy ground on the other side. “Still alive?” He asked in a mixture of genuine concern and dry mockery.

“I am,” he called out. “Sorry to disappoint.”

Miles rolled his eyes again. He glanced around and noticed the tree a few feet away from him, along with its sturdy branch. Could work, he thought, and climbed up, held onto the branch to reach the top of the fence and hopped over it as well. He landed on top of a bushy boxtree, probably scoring a few scratches as well but he bit back from wincing in pain. Not when Alex was staring at him like that. “What?”

“Could have hurt yourself,” derided Alex.

“You know,” marveled Miles, “in all the years that we’ve known each other, I’ve never been this tempted to punch you. Bloody nose and all that.”

“Hell of a first date, huh?” Alex grunted as he looked around the drenched dirt of his yard. “Where’s my leather jacket?”

“On the ground.” Miles pointed towards the fence. “Other side.” As he ignored Alex’s cursing fit, he shrugged out of his jacket and realized it was ruined for good. The pocket had a big hole in it and the best cleaner in the world wouldn’t be able to get rid of those mud stains. He made his way out of the flower bed and onto the grassy patch where he brushed the thick black dirt from his trousers. He took in his shirt and sighed. The whole damn suit was beyond saving.

Alex walked up to him, mirrored his actions and bent down to inspect his shoes when something shiny slipped from his pocket. Miles reached over, picked it up. He was about to hand it back to Alex when he saw what it was that he was holding. “A tube of lube?” Miles laughed hard. “Why’d you bring that one?”

Snatching it out of Miles’ hand, Alex gritted his teeth. “At some point, before this evening turned into a huge shit show, I actually thought I might get lucky. So I came prepared! But then you decided to show up late a—”

“I didn’t decide to show up late,” roared Miles, right back to being pissed off. “It’s not my fault the bloody train ran late! You’re the one who refused to cancel the dinner and made us hurry!”

“And I told you,” snapped Alex, “that I won’t let public transport decide when I go out on a date! If I had known you had so little interest in going out with me, believe me, I would have cancelled!” He spun around, but Miles grabbed his arm and held him back.

“Hey!” Miles was furious. He had to endure Alex’s snarky comments the entire evening and had enough of it. “You want to blame this night on one of us, blame it on yourself! You were bitching at everything before I even got here!”

“Are you really surprised? The damn painters ruined one of my guitars, had to paint the wall twice after using the wrong color, and messed up my new carpet. The new bed still isn’t here. Neither is the dresser, which means you traveled here for nothing, and I couldn’t even enjoy that overpriced steak ‘cause the fucking waiter had a hard on for you!”

Ignoring most of Alex’s ramblings, Miles took offense at one part, though. “I came for nothing? I thought I was here for a date.”

Alex groaned. “You know what I mean, Miles.”

“No, I honestly don’t.” Most of the time he gave Alex a pass for his piss poor selection of words when he was angry, but not tonight. “Try again!”

“Fuck, Miles! Of course, you’re here for a date! I don’t give a shit if you help me with the dresser or not!” Alex kicked a pile of dirt on the ground and rumbled angrily. “FUCK!” He drove one hand through his wet hair. “I had the whole evening planned out in my head, you know? It was supposed to be memorable!”

“Oh,” scoffed Miles, “trust me, I won’t forget any of this!”

“Just great,” drawled Alex, full of sarcasm. “You’ll remember this fucking mess forever and never go out on a date with me again! Why don’t we just break up right here and right now? You’ll take the guest room, I’ll take the couch and come tomorrow morning, we’ll never have to see each other again!” He turned around again. “With any luck, the waiter is still available!”

Once more, Miles grabbed his arm and pulled him back. “Would you fucking stop that?” He motioned between them. “You and I are the middle of a fight, which means you don’t get to bloody walk away right now!” He got into Alex’s face. “Hear what I’m saying, Alex Turner: I don’t care about that fucking waiter! I wasn’t flirting with him!”

“But he was flirting with you!” yelled Alex. “While I was sitting right there! As your date!”

“You hardly spoke to me all evening,” pointed Miles out. “Nobody would have guessed we were on a date! And if you think this night will deter me from going out with you again, think again! I’ve known you long enough. I can handle your hissy fits.”

Alex’s jaw dropped. “Hissy fit?” He scoffed hard. “Oh, watch it, Kane!”

“Last names, now?” Miles sneered. “Fuck you, Turner! I’m going to bed!”

Now it was Alex’s turn to hold him back. “Apologize first!”

Miles gaped? “For what?”

“You want to know why I was pissed off from the beginning? You didn’t kiss me when you got here! There you have it! Not even a peck on the cheek. You’ve been more affection on stage when we toured! Hell, you’ve been more affectionate on stage, when we toured, _while_you were busy being pissed off at me. Even then you found a way to let me know you cared!”

Miles was struck. How could Alex possibly think he didn’t care? Just because he didn’t kiss him? “When I got here, the painters were still there. I didn’t know how you felt if I just kissed you in front of strangers,” he admitted. Deflated.

“’cause we’ve just gotten together?” wondered Alex.

Miles rolled his eyes. “’cause I’m a guy and you’re a guy and we didn’t have that discussion yet!”

“What discussion?”

“Are you kidding me right now?”

Alex was visibly confused. “You think I’m worried about being gay?” He frowned. “Are you?”

“No,” stated Miles. “But nobody will be surprised to find me kissing a guy. I wear cheetah print shirts and onesies, Alex. I have a pair of silver boots! Everyone assumes I’m bi anyway. But you—”

“I got a cheetah print shirt,” he pointed out.

“You’re a fucking rock star! What if your fans turn on you, huh?”

Alex wordlessly grabbed Miles’ head and pulled him in for a blazing kiss that left them both panting for air. “I. Don’t. Care.” He curled his arm around Miles’ neck and kissed him again, harder, deeper. “I love you. I want to be with you. And if anyone has a problem with that, they can drop dead for all I care!” Another kiss. “Next time, bloody kiss me, okay?! Don’t think. Just do it. ‘cause I’m yours and that’s what you’re supposed to do!”

Miles couldn’t fight his own smile as he placed his forehead against Alex’s. All of the earlier agitation and frustration had suddenly vanished away. “Mine?” He leaned closer, touching their noses together. “Are you?”

“Start singing that song,” warned Alex, teasingly, and no longer angry, “And I’ll reconsider this dating thing!”

Miles grinned as he captured Alex’s lips in a wet and wild kiss that left both struggling for air. The temperature was still insanely hot, the rain did nothing to cool down the air, and as the raindrops mingled with the sweat on his forehead, Miles felt himself melting into Alex’s arms. This was what they should have been doing all night. Kissing. So much kissing. And more. “Let’s go inside,” he whispered hoarsely, overcome by that sweet lust that always came side by side with Alex’s kisses. He trailed one hand from Alex’s neck to his hand to lead him in.

But Alex pulled away slightly. He had a salacious grin on his face as he let go of Miles’ hand and reached for his belt instead. His eyes dropped lower. “Did I ever tell you about that rain fantasy of mine?”

Miles gulped as he watched Alex undo his belt and pull it out of its loops. Then he undid the button of his trousers. And lowered the zipper.

“I want you,” rasped Alex, leaning in to nibble on Miles’ earlobe. “Right here.” One hand fisted Miles’ tie. “On the muddy grass. In the rain.” His other hand slipped into the back of Miles’ pants, into his briefs, and he let his finger trace the crack of his ass. He slipped it between the cheeks and Miles gasped against the warm and wet skin of Alex’s neck. When he slipped one finger inside of him, Miles sunk his teeth into Alex’s skin, leaving a mark for the world to see. He dug his hands into his back and moaned as Alex began to move his finger in and out, slow and steady.

“I want you covered in dirt,” husked Alex as he bit down on Miles’ earlobe, pulling harder on his tie. “I want you screaming out my name when I come deep inside of you.” He ventured from the ear along the jawbone towards the lips. “I want you panting and writhing, and I want you to remember this for the rest of your life.” Their lips met and mashed.

Alex’s finger slipped away from where Miles was truly enjoying it and his hands took hold of Miles’ no longer pristinely white buttoned shirt. He fisted the lapels and slowly ripped the buttons apart, popping them in unison with Miles’ loudly thudding heart.

Pop.

Pop.

Miles watched in utter fascination as Alex licked his lips hungrily. To be on the receiving end of his blistering desire was a feeling beyond imagination. The lids of his eyes grew heavier with each heartbeat. His pulse was hammering away. His skin was burning. When Alex had the shirt torn asunder, Miles couldn’t handle it anymore. He stripped off what remained of his shirt and tore off Alex’s, then growled in appetite. He lowered himself to his knees, licked the raindrops as they traveled down the chest of his lover, and felt himself drowning in lust. He’d never needed anyone so much. He’d known want, but it was Alex who had introduced him to need. With Alex, feelings ceased to be small and simple. With Alex, life was absolute. It was breathtaking, it was all-consuming and their lust for one another? That was unmatched and uncontrollable. Miles pushed Alex’s pants and briefs down greedily. “Mine,” he spoke, meeting Alex’s pitch black eyes, and swallowing him whole. Alex’s entire body shook violently as Miles’ lips slid down the length of his cock. He went all the way to the base and as Alex fisted his hands in Miles’ hair, Miles wondered when he began enjoying this so much. He’d only ever done it once, before, with Alex. Last fall. And then it had been new and a bit of a learning experience. Now, however, it felt like a brand-new passion. He yearned for his friend’s erection, craved for it, loved feeling it as his tongue slid against the skin. He strived to be better, to be exceptional, to be unforgettable to Alex. He wanted to make him feel unparalleled. When he began humming, Alex moaned in sound appreciation.

“Stop,” he pleaded breathlessly. “Please, stop.”

“Really?” smirked Miles, sucking harder.

Alex pulled Miles’ hair, made him let go of him with a pop. Placing both hands on Miles’ shoulder, Alex shoved him backwards, made him land with his back on the grass and watched for a moment as his body was hit with an onslaught of pouring rain. He gave his cock a few strokes, then smiled as he lowered himself between Miles’ legs. “My turn.” Pulling pants and briefs down, Alex purred rapturously. Taking a possessive hold of Miles’ dick, he placed a feathery kiss on its tip and watched Miles watching him. Then he took him all the way into his mouth, deep-throating him. Miles was no longer capable of speaking. Garbled noises and syllables left his breathless lips as Alex made fantastic use of his own.

Alex slipped his hand back underneath Miles’ rear, wedged his finger into his tight hole and dipped in an out as his mouth sunk up and down his throbbing erection. When, suddenly, all movements stopped, Miles leaned up, startled.

He found Alex fumbling with the lube. Miles turned around on his stomach, spread his legs wide and crossed his arms beneath his head. He heard Alex’s faint chuckling as he got on top of his back, trailing languid kisses down the line of his spine. “Can’t wait, huh?”

“Been waiting too long,” said Miles. Alex leaned up, strained to reach his lips with his own, and managed to kiss him so deeply that Miles was sure it had left a burn mark right on his soul.

And then Alex slipped inside. Slowly. Carefully. Almost hesitantly. But Miles was needy and desperate and aching for him in ways much more painful. Wiggling his butt against Alex’s hard cock, Miles encouraged him to take him already. “I won’t break!” His voice was thick and gruff. “Take me, babe! Do it, please!”

Alex did. He slid deeper and deeper into Miles and the harsh sounds of a beginning thunderstorm were drowned out entirely by Miles and Alex as their heavy breathing mixed with the noise of wet skin slapping against wet skin.

Faint calls of “Fuck me!” were bracketed by hushed admittances of love and endearing terms like “baby”.

Dripping wet, covered in dirt and grass, Alex spun Miles around, spread his legs and lifted them above his shoulders. He sunk back into his heat, and Miles squirmed endlessly beneath him. His eyes feasted on Alex’s body as his muscular arms held on to his legs and his strong chest moved rapidly with each stroke. Miles’ body was covered in dirt, and Alex rubbed his hand over his abdomen, clearly enjoying it. Every now and then he took hold of the tie still around Miles’ neck and pulled, making him lean up and kiss him hard. It was the single most erotic experience of Miles’ life. He sat up, wrapped his arms around Alex and kissed him desperately. Wet chests rubbed against one another as Miles straddled him. Tongues dueled for power. Miles lost himself wholly in the pleasure of it all. “Harder,” he begged and Alex obliged, rolling them over once more and taking him and their pleasure to unknown heights. The movements became frantic. The steady rhythm became frenzied. Miles felt Alex throbbing deep inside of him, felt him spilling his cum as he came. All of it brought forth his own orgasm and he came against Alex’s stomach.

Harsh curses filled the air as they rode out their release together, until Alex collapsed on top of Miles, spent and panting. Miles laid beneath him, arms stretched out wide, a silly and perfectly happy grin on his face. “That was fucking insane,” he croaked, on the verge of losing his voice entirely.

Alex nodded against his chest. He chuckled. He tried to lift his head but failed. Miles focused all of his remaining strength and managed to curl one arm around him. “This date,” he said, still out of breath, “would have gone much better if we had fucked first and eaten later.”

Laughter bubbled from Alex’s lips. “Let’s make that a rule. Always fuck first before we leave the house.”

“Always,” agreed Miles.


	22. Happiness

** _2016_ **

_“Come on, Alex, don’t be this way,” moaned Taylor as she climbed onto his lap, trailing kisses along his jawline. _

_One hand rested lazily on her thigh, and Alex tried to get into it, but it just didn’t work. “T, I gotta be on stage in a bit. Miles is already waiting, no doubt. Tonight, yes? I’ll be very generous,” he promised, kissing her quickly, “but not now.” _

_“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you got some problems down there!” She huffed as she climbed off him. “It’s been days, Alex! What’s going on?” _

_He didn’t know. He felt all sexed out at the moment. Tired, almost. Or, rather, bored. Vastly uninterested. For the moment, the act of sex had lost its appeal to him. It was nothing but a senseless repetition of movements. He still liked the orgasm, but he could achieve that on his own and didn’t need his girlfriend for that. To be perfectly honest, he’d rubbed one out just an hour ago. _

_Taylor leaned against his arm and because she was his girlfriend, and he was a polite boyfriend, Alex did what he felt was expected of him. He lifted his arm to let her curl up. She did. Job well done. “Maybe,” said Taylor, playing with a fringe of her dress, “we need something to spice things up? We’ve been together for a while. You know you can tell me everything, right? All your dirty fantasies? I won’t ever betray your trust, no matter how kinky they are.” She grinned as she pecked his cheek. “You tell me yours; I’ll tell you mine!” _

_Did he trust her? Would he even care if she spilled his twisted desires to the world? More importantly, did he have any twisted desires that she could spill? As he pondered that, time ticked down. Fifteen more minutes. Miles was probably ready to go. Always the eager beaver. _

_“Is it a trust issue? Is that why you’re hesitating?” Taylor poked his shoulder. “Wanna tie me up? Or do me on camera? Anything? Have my butt?” Her brows wiggled suggestively. _

_Alex shrugged. “It’s not…” He sighed. “T, I don’t tend to harbor great fantasies.” Which was not a lie, but also not entirely true. He had fantasies. Just not sex fantasies about his girlfriend. Was it his lack of imagination or her incapability to offer inspiration that could be blamed for that? “It’s not like we haven’t done anything. We’ve done lots.” _

_“Not lately,” she reminded him. _

_“I am pretty busy,” he pointed out, testy, “I’ve been touring all summer!” _

_“That never stopped you before, has it? Which means, I’m no longer doing it for you.” _

_“Or,” he said, trying to remain calm, “maybe I’m just exhausted. Maybe we’ve moved beyond just sex, huh? Relationships are supposed to be about more than that, right?” _

_Her eyes turned soft as she snuggled deeper into his arms. “Of course, babe.” _

_“Don’t call me that,” he told her. “You know I don’t like it.” _

_“Forgot,” she muttered. “That’s reserved for Miles.” _

_“He doesn’t…” Alex let go of her as he got up. When Miles called him that, it sounded different. He’d love to explain that difference to her, but there was a problem with that: he didn’t understand said difference himself. He just knew that there was a difference. _

_“Have you ever fantasized about me when you’re on stage?” _

_Alex blinked. “What?” _

_“On stage,” she reiterated. “When you’re up there, in your zone, feeling all that crazy energy – has there ever been a moment when you thought about us, doing it?” _

_“On stage?” _

_“No, Alex!” Taylor got up as well. “I’m trying here! Try with me! This is me, attempting to put you in a sexual mood. You’re up on stage, surrounded by all those fans, you’re sweaty and in the midst of letting loose on the guitar! When you do that later, think about me. And when you’re done with your set, come find me. I’ll be here, in your dressing room, waiting for you. If you’re lucky, I might even be naked!” _

_He wanted to point out that he already knew how she looked in the nude but bit his tongue as he grabbed his jacket. Besides, “my parents might drop by afterwards, so, don’t. Okay? I don’t want them to find us making out!” _

_“We’re a couple, Alex! Don’t you think they expect us to do it?” _

_“I don’t enjoy overly public displays of affection in front of my parents!” _

_“Not with me, that is.” _

_He felt his nerves stretched thin. Instead of hanging around, risking a discussion he neither wanted nor cared about, Alex walked out. _

_He stepped across the hall, right into Miles’ changing room. He didn’t bother with knocking. Instead, he let the door fall shut behind him and let out a loud and exhausted sigh. “Peace at last!” _

_Miles chuckled as he stood in front of the mirror, grabbing his tie and wrapping it around his neck. “Couldn’t nap?” _

_“Taylor is there.” Alex walked up behind Miles, put his arms over his friend’s shoulders and took the ends of the tie from his hands. “Let me.” As his body pressed against Miles’ backside, as he took in Miles’ expensive cologne and felt his strong physique beneath his arms, Alex placed his chin on his shoulder and found the warmth of him oddly relaxing. His temple leaned against the side of Miles’ face as his fingers tied his black silk tie into a neat little knot. “I’m all fucked out and she’s frustrated.” _

_Closing his eyes, chuckling, Miles’ head tipped forward. His vibrating body triggered the strangest sensations inside Alex. “I know,” said Miles, “that those words make sense in your head, but they don’t make sense in mine.” _

_Slightly startled by the tingling all over his skin, Alex focused a bit harder on finishing with Miles’ tie. “She tried to have sex with me but I’m all…lust-less.” As he applied the finishing touches to the tie, placing the knot into its perfect place, Alex noticed how well that white shirt looked on his friend. It was tailored and fitted and had tiny little buttons that one could get lost in trying to undo. “She suggested we share our fantasies, but I don’t have any. Do you? With Hannah, I mean. Not that you’re supposed to share them with me,” he added, inwardly rolling his eyes at his own ramblings. “I mean…should I have fantasies about her? Not Hannah. Taylor.” _

_Miles grinned as he met his eyes in the mirror’s reflection. One hand reached up to hold on to Alex’s. “I don’t know – and don’t want to know – the details of your sex life, but maybe you’re just not into fantasies in general. Maybe it’s because you live your fantasies. That’s why you have no need for them?” _

_“I do have fantasies. Just not sex fantasies about Taylor. I have some about you,” said Alex, nonchalantly. _

_“Sex fantasies?” Miles raised a brow. _

_“Nah.” The denial came out weird. It came out too calm. Too regular. Too unfazed. Shouldn’t the suggestion of having sex fantasies about one’s best friend cause shock or anything like that? Why was Miles not freaked out at the thought of it? Why didn’t he freak out himself, wondered Alex. And why did Miles look so bloody amused? It was all very confusing to Alex. _

_“You can’t say something like that and then not tell me more!” _

_Alex slipped his hand out of Miles’. “We have to leave for stage.” _

_“Oh no!” Miles flashed him a sly smile as he reached behind him to hold Alex in place. “We got some minutes to spare. Spill it!” _

_Alex grinned as he shook his head. He made no attempt to get away from Miles. “You’ll laugh!”_

_“I swear I won’t.” _

_He hesitated. “Oh whatever! One giggle and I’ll stop!” Alex still held Miles’ eyes via the mirror. “When you sing Bad Habits, when you sing ‘sick puppy’, I imagine you spitting on stage. Don’t ask me why, I don’t know! I just do! There you go.” _

_Miles didn’t giggle. He kept his serious face. And astonished Alex when he asked, “want me to do it?” _

_A shiver ran down Alex’s spine. Was that arousal? Why was he feeling it now? His hand moved from Miles’ shoulder across his front, slowly, down the line of buttons. “You would?” His voice came out strikingly hoarse. _

_Miles nodded curtly. _

_Alex was transfixed by the growing darkness that took a hold of Miles’ usually bright and big eyes. His hand came to a rest on his flat stomach, he felt the outlines of his friend’s firm pecks and stumbled over his own intrigue. Why was it so warm in here all of sudden? He felt sweat building on the small of his back. His eyes still clung to Miles’ as he pressed his hand against Miles’ belly, pushing his own body against his backside. _

_“What are you doing?” asked Miles, huskily, lids fluttering, head dropping back against Alex’s shoulder. _

_Alex let go abruptly. “Nothing.” He spun around. Thank God he was wearing a long shirt. Otherwise he’d have to explain a rather inconvenient, remarkably unexpected boner. “Stage is waiting.” _

_“Yes,” agreed his partner as he grabbed his jacket. Alex was halfway out of the room when Miles wrapped his arm around his shoulder and placed a firm kiss on his cheek. “Hannah left for Los Angeles earlier today.” _

_“Yes?” Alex took note of that. Was it unusual that he immediately understood the deeper meaning behind that bit of information? Was it peculiar that Miles let him know that he’d be alone in his hotel room tonight? Was he imagining things and presuming wrongly that Miles wanted him to sleep next to him tonight? Had Miles really given in to his touch a moment ago? Had he truly sunken into his arms or had reality played a trick on him? And if it hadn’t, if Miles had done it, what did that mean? And why had he gotten a bloody erection from rubbing his friend’s stomach? _

_“Al?” Miles gave his shoulder a squeeze. “You stopped walking. Are you alright?” _

_“Sorry!” He snapped out of his thoughts. “Yeah, just…my head is messing with me.” As they kept walking towards the stage, Alex leaned into Miles, to whisper. “You don’t have to spit. I don’t even know why I said it.” _

_“That was the weirdest thing anyone’s ever asked me to do. Just for that, I’ll do it,” Miles whispered back. “Al, stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about fantasies and Taylor and whatever happened in that dressing room a moment ago. Just turn your head off.” He touched his forehead to Alex’s and smirked. “Think less and enjoy more. All that worrying that you do? It gets you wrinkles!” _

_Alex laughed, unable to help himself. “It does not!” _

_“Sure does,” disagreed Miles with a grin. His index finger dabbed the corner of his eye. “Right there. A big, fat wrinkle!” _

_Swatting Miles’ finger away, Alex laughed even harder. “I’m wrinkle-free! I’m not the one needing anti-aging crème!” _

_“That’s a preemptive move and not a necessary one,” declared Miles as he wrapped his arm closer around Alex, pressing his lips to his cheeks once more. “Love you, babe! Go and have fun out there!” Miles gave him a playful slap on his ass and Alex replied with a sly wink as the both of them walked out on stage, greeted by the applause of an excited audience. _

-

**Present Day**

Alex leaned against the basin of his bathroom, naked, covered in dirt, and hard, shamelessly enjoying the sight of Miles who was taking a shower right in front of him. “You know,” he said, beaming, “you’re the only person in the world I’d allow to walk through this house with muddy feet!” 

Laughter erupted from Miles. “I feel honored!” He pushed the glass door to the shower open. “You could join me.”

Pushing himself away from the basin, Alex stepped into the shower. “I thought you’d never ask!” His arms curled around Miles’ neck and he attacked his lips with a hungry kiss, moaning when Miles wrapped his own arms around him, bringing their bodies closer together. Even though it was barely half an hour since their sexual adventure on Alex’s lawn, their hunger for one another wasn’t the least bit sated. 

On the contrary. As Alex slid his naked body against that of Miles’, he felt even more desperate than before. He knew now what it could be like to be with Miles, to have him as his. Last fall it had been a new thing. There had been fumbling and uncertainty. They had been drunk and overwhelmed. It had been a first and it had felt like one. But before, outside, in the rain, it had been mind-blowing! 

There had been no doubt in Alex’s mind that it had been the beginning of something great. And with each passing minute, he felt himself getting more comfortable in the presence of Miles. Not that he hadn’t been comfortable in his presence before. But until tonight, they had been friends. Maybe friends with small benefits. But they had been undefined and always open to their own doubts and questions. 

Not anymore. Alex was Miles’ and Miles was Alex’s. And as Alex took a possessive hold on Miles’ ass, grinning into their enthusiastic kiss, he felt himself overcome with happiness knowing that Miles wasn’t going away. After the shower, they’d go to bed, maybe have sex again, and fall asleep in each other’s arms. Then they would wake up together, do it all over again, and Miles still wouldn’t go. He’d stay. With him.

And even though Alex no longer needed Miles’ verbal reassurance that they were in it for the long haul, he still enjoyed hearing it. “Don’t ever wait for me to ask you,” whispered Miles against Alex’s hungry lips. “Between us, you never have to ask for permission.”

There was a blank check that Alex couldn’t wait to cash in on. He kissed him hard before sinking his teeth into Miles’ lower lip, nipping the pliant flesh. “To clarify, if you’re asleep and I want to do things with you…”

“Do it,” allowed Miles. “I trust you.” He pressed him up against the glass wall, grabbed his waist and smiled when he touched their foreheads together. “Do you have anything particular in mind?”

“Maybe,” teased Alex. “You inspire me to imagine the filthiest fantasies!”

“I do?” Miles grinned smugly. He placed a tiny kiss right to the corner of Alex’s mouth and nuzzled his way towards his earlobe. “I want to make all your fantasies come true.” He bit his earlobe, drawing a deep moan from Alex. “Shower sex or bed sex?”

“First shower.” His voice was raspy as he fisted Miles’ hair. “Then bed. And tomorrow, I have great plans for the kitchen!”

Miles smiled even harder. “You mean sex, though? Right? Just to clarify. No renovation?”

Alex laughed loud, even as he was grinding against Miles’ very aroused body. “Sex and sex only.” 

“I like the sound of that!” Miles dropped to his knees and kissed the tip of Alex’s eager cock. 

“Oh fuck,” moaned Alex. “Feels incredible, baby!” He sunk back against the wet glass wall of his shower as Miles began to fondle his balls with one hand while the other ventured further, towards his ass, where one of his fingers disappeared between the cheeks, into his puckered hole, ready to serve the pleasure he so desperately sought. 

Miles’ mouth slipped off his cock, kissed the tip of it again and then his tongue began to play a wicked licking game, driving Alex utterly insane with desire. “God, don’t ever stop doing that!” 

-

“I’m beginning to like this couch,” confessed Alex as he climbed further on top of Miles, who had his arms wrapped tightly around his middle. They’d spent the last fifteen minutes kissing like horny teenagers and Alex would love to take this back to the bed, or anywhere, really, as long as they would lose their clothes and start doing something with their erections but Miles’ cab was due to arrive soon and then they’d have to let go of each other for two whole weeks. Alex clung harder to him as he slid his tongue deeper into Miles’ mouth, drawing a pleased moan. 

“Told you,” breathed Miles, lips puffy, “this is perfect for making out on.” His hand slipped further down, towards Alex’s butt and he grabbed it, giving it a squeeze. Alex pushed himself harder against Miles. “Wish you could come along.”

“I know. Wish the same,” said Alex. More kissing. “Two weeks without this? I might perish from sexual frustration!” 

“What a gruesome death that will be,” rasped Miles. “Lonely and unsatisfied.”

“Painful, I imagine.”

“And uncomfortable.” 

Alex attacked Miles’ lips with even more vigor. “Only one solution. We must stay here and keep having sex.” 

“For all of eternity,” grinned Miles. “There’s no way around it.”

A car honked on the outside. 

Miles got up, Alex still in his arms, carrying him with him towards the main door, where Alex slid down in the most provocative manner imaginable, causing Miles to groan in protest. “Bloody tease!” 

“Right back at you!” Alex smiled sadly. Saying goodbye, even for a limited amount of time, had never felt this hard. And he wasn’t prepared for those feelings. Placing one palm on Miles’ cheek, Alex held on to his shirt with the other one. “Fifteen days. Then I expect you to walk back through this door.”

Miles pressed his lips against Alex’s. “I love you.” Another kiss. The car honked again. Another, harder kiss. “Fifteen days.”

-

“How’s life in love?” wondered Jamie, wrapping an arm around Alex as he found him at the bar. 

Alex blinked, about to answer, but Matt and Nick walked up as well. Smirking. Both of them. He gulped nervously. “What’s going on?”

Nick pulled out his phone and Matt came to a stop on Alex’s other side, opposed to Jamie. “We talked,” said the bassist. “And we feel like we haven’t done enough. If we had done more, you and Miles might be married already. And we feel bad for that.”

“Exactly,” spoke Matt, drawing Alex’s attention. “But we’re going to change that.”

“This is,” interjected Jamie, “your first men-only relationship. And we fear you’re in need of some guidance.”

What now? Alex tried to wiggle free, but his band was insistent. They had him cornered. “Fellas, what’s happening?” His eyes landed on Nick once more, and on his phone, only it wasn’t Nick’s phone. “Is that mine?”

“We borrowed it,” Nick grinned. “For a very important purpose.” Nick handed the phone back to Alex. And Matt and Jamie began to laugh. “Check your images!” 

Alex did. And blushed. “The hell?”

“This,” began Matt, “is a very neat selection of homoerotic photography.”

“And if you switch to videos,” added Jamie, “you’ll find a very educational assortment of short clips. Use them wisely.”

Alex succumbed to laughter. “You spammed my phone with porn?”

“We don’t want Miles to miss out on anything only because you don’t know how to use the internet in the manner in which it was intended,” said Jamie.

“For porn?” asked Alex.

“Precisely,” said Matt. 

Alex was tempted to complain, to take insult, or even to run and hide in embarrassment but as his eyes quickly scanned the material his band had amassed for him, he had to admit, some of it might actually end up being useful. They had a point. It was his first relationship with a man. And it was one of his character traits that he never did anything half-assed. Therefore, he needed study material. He spotted a very interesting image of two men in a staggeringly acrobatic position. His eyes began to linger on that.

Matt placed a hand on Alex’s phone. “Not now, horndog! Do it with Miles. But without us. We prefer to lend our support from the distance.”

“Speaking of support.” Matt placed his arm back around Alex’s shoulder. “When you and Miles get married, who’ll be your best man? I am your oldest friend!” 

“But,” pointed Jamie out, “you can’t trust him with the rings. He lost his own plenty of times!” 

“Neither of them knows how to throw the perfect bachelor party!” Nick crossed his arms smugly. “That should be the deciding factor!” 

Alex gaped at his band in shock. It was the second time they had carelessly tossed out a remark about marriage. “Miles and I aren’t into this whole idea of marriage! To us, it’s just a piece of paper.” Then again, they’d only ever discussed that topic when they had been with their ex-girlfriends. A few years ago, they’d overheard Hannah and Taylor discussing wedding dresses and had promptly panicked. Back then, the idea of forever had appeared foggy and imaginary. Now, however? As far as Alex was concerned, Miles was his and he was Miles’. There’d never be anyone else again. He had long ago lost his heart to him and now it was living happily in Miles’ arms. There was no need to change that. A wedding, though?

“Hate to break it to you.” Jamie playfully punched his shoulder. “But I know your mother. She’ll want that wedding. And grand-children!” 

“Kids?” Alex almost squeaked. “Whoa, slow down! Mi and I are very much on the same page there. We love touring. We love traveling and moving around and going out. There’s not a lot of room for children there!” 

The three other Monkeys began to grin. “You’ll say that now,” said Nick. 

Alex shook his head. “I’ll keep saying that! And my parents know it!” 

Matt snorted. “I’ll make the first bet, then. Hundred bucks says they’ll be married next year!” 

“They needed a decade to have sex,” Jamie remarked as he rolled his eyes. “A hundred on five years!” 

“You have too much faith.” Nick smirked. “A hundred says they’ll marry on their fiftieth birthday!” 

“A hundred says this band will be history by the end of the night!” Alex grabbed his drink from the bar, slipped away from Matt and the others and positioned himself in front of them. “Comrades. To the future.” He lifted his glass and smiled. “To love.” 

“And sex,” added Matt, setting off a round of laughter. 

“Also,” added Alex, “it might please you to know that I’ve begun writing for our next record. I’ve been feeling very inspired, lately and—”

Jamie snorted. “That album will be full of sex references!”

Nick nodded enthusiastically. “He’ll be crooning a lot!” 

Matt chortled. “All lovey-dovey.” 

“Fuck all of you!” Alex chuckled. “And you better believe it’ll be about love! I’ve rediscovered my fascination with it!”

“To _Milex_,” laughed Matt. 

**Spoiler Part 21 **

“Out of curiosity,” asked Alex’s mother as they sat on the Patio, enjoying breakfast, “where are you sleeping, Miles? We noticed that the guest room was unused and—”

David nudged her arm. 

Penny frowned. “What, I’m a mother. I’m allowed to know!”


	23. Boyfriend

** _2016 _ **

_Placing the guitar away, Alex looked up from his spot on the floor of his old room. He turned to face the bed, placed his arm on it, then rested his chin on top of that. “Will you stay for dinner? And my dad cleaned out the guest room, so you could, you know, stay the night. Or even the weekend.” _

_Miles, who rested on Alex’s bed, playing mindlessly with a guitar pick, met his friend’s eyes curiously. “If that’s what you want? Of course, I will.” He sat up, gave Alex all of his attention. “Are you alright, babe? What’s going on?” He’d heard it in Alex’s voice. That forlorn tone, that shade of doubt, that slight tremble in his demeanor. _

_“My nerves are getting the best of me,” admitted Alex as he avoided Miles’ gaze. “It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? I’ve played so many shows in my life, it should be normal, right?” He shrugged. “But you and I are about to play our album live for the first time and I wonder if people will like it.” _

_“What does it matter if they like it?” Miles scooted down the mattress, crossed his legs and sat in front of Alex. “We didn’t write any of the songs to please people. If we had done that, it would have sounded a whole lot different. We wrote it ‘cause we love the songs. You taught me to always write what I like, never to write what somebody else likes.” He took hold of Alex’s hand. “We’ll play. We’ll enjoy it. And we’ll see what happens. When they heckle and boo, let them. We’ll stand by our album.” _

_Alex squeezed Miles’ hand and smiled, a look of gratitude on his face. “Listen to you, all confident and self-assured.” _

_“You got yourself to thank for that.” Miles’ stomach rumbled. “And for that, as well! You ate my cake earlier!” _

_Alex looked guilty. Somewhat. “Sorry. But it was really delicious! And you were napping.” _

_“Could have woken me up!” _

_“But then you would have eaten the cake,” pointed Alex out. And grinned. “Shall I bake you a new one?” _

_Loud laughter. “I’d love to see you bake! But I’m not brave enough to eat it, got to be honest! Not after the great fish disaster of 2013.” _

_Alex rolled his eyes. Hard. “One burnt fish, Miles.” _

_“The neighbors wanted to call the fire department!” _

_“That bit of smoke!” He snorted. _

_Miles scoffed. “You tried to quell the smoke with water! That could have easily gone wrong!” _

_“But it didn’t!” _

_“Whatever. Let’s not try our luck by tempting the kitchen fairies again!” _

_Alex laughed again. “Kitchen fairies?” He jumped up and pulled Miles along by his hand. “Let’s see if we can find them downstairs. Maybe they miraculously prepared dinner for us!” _

_Miles allowed Alex to hold on to his hand as he tugged him down the stairs, through the hallway, all the way towards the kitchen, where Alex raised Miles’ arm to curl it around his shoulder. _

_Penny Turner, who was busy cooking, offered them a warm smile. “Figured you’d stay for dinner, Miles. Lasagna will be ready, soon.” _

_“Where’s dad?” asked Alex. _

_“Dining room. Go join him. He’s been reading this book about astronomy all day. Hasn’t spoken a word yet!” _

_  
Alex perked up. “Does he have a new book?” Slipping away from Miles, but not without letting his hand trail slowly down his arm, he walked away. _

_Miles shook his head with a smile. “Another book?” _

_Penny sighed. “Oh, I know.” She met his gaze with a look of amusement. “He and David are very much alike. Once they find a topic that fascinates them, they surrender to it completely. My husband got a whole shelf of books which all describe the same scientific details. Personally, I find it boring. But whatever makes them happy, right? Ask David, or Alex, anything about space and they will light up and talk for hours! Which is the reason they need us,” said Penny as she handed Miles a fork of Lasagna. “To remind them that there’s life outside of a book. Try this. Is it done?” _

_Miles tried. And nodded vigorously. “Oh, it’s perfect!” _

_Penny looked pleased. “Thank you, dear.” She busied herself with opening the bottle of wine, quietly posing a concerned question. “Miles, is he alright? He seems a bit worried lately.” _

_“Just the nerves,” reassured Miles. “May I?” She handed him the bottle of wine and smiled. “Once the first show is done, he’ll perk up. He says he doesn’t care for people’s opinion, but deep down, he’d be crushed if they hated it. But it’s a beautiful album. He’ll be fine!” _

_“You’ll look out for each other on tour, will you?” _

_“We will, Mrs T.” _

_Happy with the answers, she nodded. “Go tell them that dinner is ready!” _

_Once the Lasagna was eaten, Alex’s parents settled in front of the television. Alex and Miles had offered to clean up and do the dishes and once that was done, Alex slipped his hand back into that of Miles’. “Shall we watch TV, too? Or go somewhere?” _

_“Let’s just stay in,” suggested Miles. They’d be out on tour soon, partying and whatnot. Enjoying a quiet night might actually be a good idea. _

_Alex looked thankful as he headed towards the living room. Miles took a seat on the side of the large couch, crossed his legs and smiled appreciatively when David handed him a big bowl of popcorn. _

_Alex used the remaining space of the couch to lay down. Curling one arm around Miles’ thigh, he rested his head alongside it. “What’s that show?” _

_“An old Agatha Christie movie. A classic.” _

_“Who’s dunnit?” _

_David chuckled. “We don’t know that yet. It’s why we’re still watching!” _

_Miles smiled at Alex, who let his eyes drift close every now and then. Television was more often than not the most boring thing in the world to him, cartoons aside. But he enjoyed the soundtracks of movies. And the musical scores that underlined the stories. Whenever those began to sound, he paid attention and watched. _

_“Thanks for staying here,” whispered Alex. _

_Miles placed his hand on Alex’s shoulder, squeezing it. “Don’t even mention it.” His voice was low, he was trying not to disturb Alex’s parents. “Stop worrying, babe. Just think of all the fun we’ll have.” _

_“Can’t wait to play Bad Habits,” he admitted. _

_“And Bowie!” _

_Alex pinched his thigh. “You’re supposed to look forward to our own songs, Mi!” _

_“I am!” He grinned. “But still! Admit it, you can’t wait to do Cohen!” _

_“True,” conceded Alex. “I am looking forward to it, Mi. It’ll be different than a Monkeys tour. We’ll be closer to the fans.” _

_“It will be incredible! And spending my summer with you is just an added bonus!” Absentmindedly, his hand drifted from Alex’s shoulder to his head and he began to play with his hair. _

_Alex sighed contently. “Wake me when the music starts,” he murmured as his eyes closed. _

_“Will do.” _

_As Miles turned his attention back to the television, he saw that Alex’s parents were watching them with curious expressions. Miles frowned, looked down at himself self-consciously, but found nothing out of the ordinary. “What’s wrong?” _

_Penny grinned as David shrugged and turned back to the TV. “Nothing,” she said. Her grin got wider. “All’s fine.” _

**Present Day **

Fourteen days. He couldn’t do more than that. Miles paid the cab driver, stifled a fierce yawn that was struggling to escape, and got out. He grabbed his massive suitcase from the trunk, motioned for the cab driver that he was good to leave and then made his way towards Alex’s front door. The night was clear and the moon was shining brightly, allowing Miles to walk down the driveway without stumbling. Damn Alex and his need for saving energy. All the lights were off. Then again, it was almost three a.m. and who would possibly need lights at this time, right?

Miles fished out his key and let himself in. Over the years, they had amassed keys to all of each other’s places. Most of the time, however, they forgot to actually bring them. Taking careful steps, quietly closing the door behind him, Miles placed his suitcase against the wall and headed towards the stairs when he spotted the dim light by the pool through Alex’s living room window. Was he still awake? 

Heading out, Miles found him snoring softly as he lay on a lounger, his acoustic on the floor next to him. He looked so peaceful and content and Miles didn’t have it in him to wake him, even though he was starving for his lover’s lips. Instead, he slipped out of his shoes, carefully climbed onto the lounger and curled up against Alex’s backside. Wrapping one arm around his middle, he smiled happily when Alex, still asleep, took hold of it and tugged it against him. 

“Love you,” whispered Miles as he closed his eyes. 

Miles felt the tingling all over his skin before he even opened his eyes. It was a warm sensation, a slow-spreading arousal that took hold of him and made him curl his toes and moan loudly. His teeth sank into his lower lip, dragging along the flesh, as his breathing became uneven. And then his eyes flew open. 

Looking down, he found Alex kneeling between his legs, his hair disheveled from sleep, his eyes a bit drowsy, but a satisfied and smug smirk on his marvelous lips as his mouth hovered over Miles’ erection. Then he took him into his mouth again, making Miles forget time and space and everything else there was. 

Alex let go with a pop. “You know,” he said, grinning, “There’s a tune that’s stuck in my head for days now and I can’t get it out. Can you guess, or shall I hum it for you?” His brows wiggled suggestively. 

Miles’ lids became heavier as his mouth fell open. “Hum it,” he croaked, transfixed by the glorious sight in front of him. 

“Your wish is my command.” Alex licked his lips before wrapping them around Miles’ cock once again. The soft vibrations of his humming undid him entirely. His head rolled back, he arched and writhed and chuckled breathlessly when it finally registered in his head that Alex was humming All You Need Is Love. 

Alex wrapped his hand around Miles’ erection, jerked him off slowly as he tongued the crown of him. 

“Ohhh…babe!” Miles was on the verge of losing his voice. “Feels insane!” He couldn’t remember ever feeling so good during a blow-job. And this wasn’t just any kind! This one was magnificent. It was beautiful. Mind-blowing. Unbelievable! “God, Alex! Yes!” He came hard and unexpectedly. Alex swallowed all of it, all the while looking immensely pleased with himself. 

As Miles was slowly drifting back to earth, Alex wiped his lips with his finger, which he sucked into his mouth. He made a provocative show out of swirling his tongue around it to lick it clean. A cocky grin lit his face as he crawled on top of Miles, coming to rest on his chest. “Liked that, huh?”

Miles wanted to congratulate him, wanted to praise him, even call him a God. But he couldn’t speak. It required too much energy. So, he just smiled like a crazy person and nodded shakily. 

Alex laughed. “You’re welcome.” He was about to lean down, and Miles already moved his arms around Alex’s torso, when he jumped up with big eyes. “OH FUCK!” 

Miles, dazed and beyond comprehension for anything at the moment, just watched in sudden surprise as Alex tugged on his arm and pulled him off the lounger. 

“Get up, Mi!” Alex pulled harder and Miles tried to comply, but his legs were a bit wobbly. “Fucking move, Miles!”

“Why? Huh?” He looked over his shoulder, tried to see what Alex was focusing on, and froze. “SHIT! What are they doing here?”

“Visiting!” 

When Alex’s parents slid the glass doors to the patio open, Miles felt Alex’s strong hands on his chest and suddenly found himself shoved backwards into the pool. Alex jumped in after him. 

Miles sputtered water as his head returned above the surface. “What the fuck?”

Alex wiped strands of wet hair from his face. “It’s either this or explaining to my parents why your pants are undone and why there’s a tent in mine!” When his parents walked up towards them, he swam to the edge of the pool and hovered there. “Mom, Dad, I completely forgot that you planned on dropping by!”

His father held his hand against his eyes, glancing around the property while his mother squinted at him. “Dear, since when do we swim with our clothes on?”

Alex clenched his jaw as Miles combusted in laughter. 

  
“And you?” Penny addressed Miles sternly. “Why are you in the water? It’s been a bit, Miles. Seeing you here is a pleasant surprise! I’d have appreciated a hug. But you’re dripping wet now. Is that on purpose?”

Miles gulped. “Alex shoved me into the pool!” 

Alex gaped as he flashed him a scathing glare. There was no doubt in Miles’ mind that he’d have to pay for that later. But, then again, the idea of a vengeful Alex was highly intriguing and held infinite possibilities. He licked his lips hungrily. Alex’s glare got even harsher. 

“You should go freshen up,” suggested Alex. “Take the guest room. Take your time! We’ll get cleaned up and meet in a bit for breakfast. How about it?” 

Miles noticed that Alex’s father was quite fascinated by the lawn near the edge of Alex’s yard. A blush crept up his face. 

“What happened there?” wondered David Turner as he faced his son. “There’s a weird spot on your lawn, Alex. All this dirt. Did you dig for something?”

Alex turned crimson as Miles spun around, trying to swallow his laughter. 

“That one is on Miles,” stated Alex and tossed his friend a dirty look. “Tell him, Miles. Tell him how that happened!”

Miles was tempted to throw Alex under the bus and be very honest about the origin of that dirty spot. But he didn’t dare to admit to Alex’s father what they had done in the rain the other day. He made up a little white lie. “A mole. Feisty one. Tried to shoo it away, but it just dug on.”

David nodded. “Oh, don’t I know that problem! We got those damned moles all over our lawn! Don’t we, Penny? I talked to the local lawn doctor and—”

Penny Turner rolled her eyes as she placed a hand on her husband’s shoulder. “Let’s go freshen up, shall we? Boys,” she added, pointedly, “I expect hugs when we return.” 

“Yes, mom.”

“Yes, Mrs T.”

As soon as the elder Turners were inside the house, Alex roughly shoved Miles’ shoulder. “You snitched on me to my mother? I thought you loved me.”

Miles chuckled. “I do, babe!” He moved closer towards him. “But she’s frightening! And she regularly talks to my mother, who is even more frightening!” His hands slid around Alex’s waist. “Let’s focus on something much more important.” He leaned forward, bringing their heads together. “Earlier, when you were making me lose my mind…” He grinned when Alex’s smug expression returned. “Where in hell did you learn that thing that you did with your tongue?”

Alex smirked. “Gay porn.”

“What?”

“You weren’t around to experiment with. Figured I might as well try and use that time to learn some. It was highly educational.” Alex leaned in, giving Miles a slow, torturously teasing kiss. “You’ll be amazed by just how much I learned during those last two weeks!” 

Miles wanted to know. He wanted to know right now. He wanted to strip Alex naked and spend the rest of the day doing all the filthy things with him that he’d dreamed about while they’d been apart. As his hand slipped into the back of his partner’s pants, Alex, however, scooted away. 

“No, no. Parents, remember?” Alex moved carefully back towards Miles. He reached out, placed a hand on Miles’ chest and let it linger. “No naughty business. Just kissing. Nothing R-rated. But do not worry.” He inched closer. “They won’t stay for long. They are meeting up with some other couple later tonight. So, we just have to manage until then. We managed for years, Mi.” A quick kiss. “How hard can it be?”

Miles chuckled as he raised his brow, sliding his hand down Alex’s front, finding him very, very erect. “You tell me.”

Alex’s face fell as he groaned. “We’re doomed.” He placed his hand around Miles’ and tugged him with him out of the pool. When they walked towards the inside, he looked at Miles’ undone pants and smiled coyly. “I thought I had taken care of that one?”

Miles looked down, saw the bulge in his own underwear and shrugged. “Around you,” he said, wrapping his arms around Alex and placing a kiss on his neck, “it never stays down for long.” 

A grin flashed up on Alex’s face. “I like it when you say nice things to me!”

Miles kissed his neck again.

“You take the bathroom first,” said Alex when they reached his bedroom. “And I’ll get dressed in here. We really shouldn’t be naked around each other at the moment.” A laugh slipped from his lips. “There’s a real chance my mother is standing on the other side of the door, eavesdropping.”

Miles chuckled. “Oh, I know!” He spotted the dresser and smiled. “It’s finally here! And it looks incredible!” His gaze travelled around the room, taking in the finished and freshly renovated sight. “Alex, you did great. It’s far better than before!” 

Pride tugged on Alex’s expression. “You really like it?”

“I love it,” Miles assured him, walking up to him. He gently caressed Alex’s cheek, letting his thumb linger near his lips. “I really do!”

“Happy to hear that!” Leaning into Miles’ touch, Alex bit his lower lip. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you. The—”

Somebody knocked.

“Boys, ready for breakfast?” Penny called from the other side of the door. 

“That woman has the worst timing in the world,” muttered Alex and sighed. He nudged Miles towards the bathroom. “I’ll ask you later. Better get ready before she brings breakfast in here!” 

Miles laughed as he headed for the bathroom. 

-

“Out of curiosity,” asked Alex’s mother as they sat on the Patio, enjoying breakfast, “where are you sleeping, Miles? We noticed that the guest room was unused and—”

David nudged her arm. 

Penny frowned. “What, I’m a mother. I’m allowed to know!”  
  
Miles tried to fight the blush that was burning bright on his face. And seeing Alex succumbing to laughter didn’t help the least bit. What was he supposed to say? Admit to it all? He swallowed. “I…uh…”

“My bed.” Alex reached for Miles’ hand and entwined their fingers, startling him. “He’s my boyfriend.” He pulled their linked hands to his face and kissed Miles’ knuckles. “He’s sleeping in my bed.” A matter-of-fact statement. “To be fair, we slept on the lounger tonight. But wherever we sleep, we sleep next to each other. That’s what matters.”

“See?” Penny tossed her husband a pointed look. “Told you!” 

Boyfriend.

Miles was still stuck on that part. Alex hadn’t called him that before. Sure, it was understood that they were a couple. They had confessed their love to one another, had done it plenty of times and everyone seemed to assume they were together, anyway, but being officially called a boyfriend in front of his love’s parents was still a major step. He held on to Alex’s hand more tightly and smiled at him when he caught his eyes. 

What a long road they had travelled to get here. At times it had seemed blockaded, even barricaded with insurmountable obstacles. And now? In retrospect, it all looked absurd. If they had just given in, had just done it and worried less, they could have been together for a long time already. 

Miles leaned into Alex, nuzzling his neck. “I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you,” replied Alex.

Once breakfast was done, Miles began carrying the plates and whatnots into the kitchen, giving Alex and his parents the chance to catch up. But as he stood at the sink, he noticed for the first time that something startlingly big and shockingly fancy had moved into Alex’s usually sleek and minimalistic kitchen. 

A giant coffee machine. In bright red. It was even bigger than the one he had at his own place, and that one was big already. Miles put the plates away and began to inspect the big red beauty. It had everything one could wish for. High tech display, futuristic buttons and blinking lights, a very elaborate menu and two coffee cups that stood empty next to it. One read Alex and one read Miles. His heart skipped a beat. 

“Got it last week,” rasped Alex as he wrapped himself around Miles from behind. His nose brushed against Miles’ cheek. “You like it?”

Miles didn’t know what to say. “I thought you hated them. You keep calling ‘em coffee monsters.” 

He felt him shrug. “You love ‘em. And I’m hoping you’ll be here more often than you used to. So…got it for you. That way, you can have fancy coffee whenever you want it.” 

Miles was speechless. He spun around in Alex’s embrace, cupped his face and kissed him hard. “I can’t believe you got me a coffee machine!” 

Alex blushed, which made Miles smile. “It’s not like I got you a plane or something.”

“I like this one better,” hushed Miles and leaned in for another kiss. Letting his fingers slip into Alex’s hair, knowing he loved it when he played with it, Miles kept kissing him. He could easily do that for the rest of his life. Those soft little moans of pleasure were all he needed to survive. His lover’s lips were warm and pliant and giving and irresistible. Spinning them around, he grabbed Alex’s derriere and lifted him up on the counter, deepening their tantalizing kiss into something considerably more debauched. 

Alex pulled his legs up, wrapping them around Miles’ middle and Miles dug his fingers deep into Alex’s thighs, towing him against himself, dying for that forever exquisite friction. 

Miles’ left hand let go of Alex’s leg and reached for his button-down shirt, determinedly undoing button after button, as his lips tasted every increment of exposed skin they could find. Alex squeezed his eyes close, lost in pleasure, and he moaned Miles’ name loudly when he nipped on the delicate skin above his collar bone. “Miles…”

“Need any help?” 

Miles whipped his head around, saw Penny Turner in the doorway, and briefly considered turning around. But Alex clung hard to him as he sat up, startled. 

“Don’t you dare move an inch,” he warned and made sure their delicate states were not visible. “Mother. We’re a bit busy at the moment.”

Penny giggled. “I can see that.”

Miles was blushing dark red as Alex and Penny got into a fierce stare-off. 

“Dear,” she said, not the least bit eager to close the door again, “your father and I will go for a walk. We should be back in half an hour.”

David appeared next to her. And blinked. “Oh. Sorry.” He immediately turned around. “Pen, let’s go!” 

“A minute. What’s with the haste?” She giggled again. “Boys, like I said, we’ll be gone for half an hour.”

“AN HOUR!” shot David. “We won’t be back for an hour. Take your time! I mean…don’t…eh…oh God. Just…enjoy? Oh…this is embarrassing!” 

“Very,” muttered Miles into Alex’s ear. 

Alex still stared at his mother, who smirked hard. “Bye, boys. Make the most of it,” she laughed and blew them an air kiss. 

When the door closed, Alex let out a deep rumbling groan. “She’s bloody enjoying this! I bet she waited behind that door, listening for that one opportunity to come in and…argh! She’s getting a kick out of watching me suffer! And you can bet your hot, sexy ass that she’ll be on the phone with your mother the second the front door closes behind them, spilling all the dirty details of us making out!” 

Miles blushed even harder. “Don’t say that!”

Alex chuckled. “Oh, baby, are you embarrassed? Stop with that. I swear, the only way to make it less fun for her is to not care!” 

“That won’t ever happen,” Miles declared without a shred of doubt. 

Alex tenderly caressed his cheek. “Lucky for you, you look extremely sexy with that bright red blush!” 

“Mock me, will you?” Miles captured his lips in a hot, quick kiss. Then something registered with him. “You find my ass sexy?” 

Alex grinned hard. “Exceptionally!” His hand tugged on the front of his shirt, bringing him closer. “We should continue. There’s no way they’ll stay away for an hour!” 

Miles dropped his head against Alex’s. “Can we finish in the bedroom? Just in case they do return early?”

Laughing, Alex hopped off the counter and turned Miles around, gently nudging him out and towards the bedroom. “Let’s break the bed in, then!” 

And breaking it in, they did! Half an hour later, Alex and Miles lay on top of the bed, sweaty and panting, but blissfully satisfied. Miles glanced at his upper arm, let his eyes linger on the red bite mark and smirked. “My first sex injury from you!” 

He felt Alex’s vibrating body against his back as he was laughing. 

“Sorry for that, but…” Alex kissed Miles’ cheek. Then he licked that very spot. “It just couldn’t be helped!” His lips brushed against his skin. 

Miles rolled onto his stomach, stretched out his arms and held on to the headboard as Alex aligned himself against his back. They had barely finished but all it took was a brush of lips or a tiny caress and he needed Alex all over again. 

“Wanna know something dirty?”

“Always,” moaned Miles, feeling wildly satisfied and utterly starved for more at the same time. He wiggled his butt against Alex’s erection, trying to get the message across. But his partner was busy teasing the hell out of him.

Alex moved his mouth to Miles’ ear, speaking slowly, reminding Miles of cigarette smoke, smoldering and thick. “When I walked by that furniture store, I spotted another bed in the window. I liked it more. The headboard was different. Dark, solid wood. One large piece. Looked very sleek.” 

Miles bit his lip as Alex’s voice echoed seductively against his skin. He writhed restlessly beneath him. 

Alex let his hands travel down the lengths of Miles’ arms until they came to a halt on top of his hands. He entwined their fingers. “But as I stood right in front of the bed, taking a closer look, I realized something truly important.” 

“What?” asked Miles, impatient, hoping the end of the story would mark the beginning of a greatly desired fuck. 

Alex grinned as his lips brushed his cheek once more. “Keep in mind, at that point, I had yet to ask you out. But, as I was taking in the bed, I thought to myself, I can’t tie him up to it! There’s nothing to attach a tie to. So, I had to pick a different one.”

Miles glanced at the headboard and noticed that it wasn’t made of one solid piece but came with a row of wooden bars instead. Bars to be tied to. His mouth ran dry as he arched against Alex’s hard cock. There was a fantasy he couldn’t wait to participate in! But as much as that idea aroused his curiosity, at the moment Miles needed to be fucked much more than he needed to be tempted.

Another feathery kiss. Alex placed his lips against Miles’ ear. His voice low. “May I tie you up one day?” 

His lust was getting the better of him. Miles moaned into the mattress, sinking his teeth into the fabric in frustration. He nodded his head shakily. “Do it, tie me up! Kiss me, lick me, touch me, suck me, do whatever the hell you want with me!” He was despairing. “But bloody fuck me already!” 

“Yes, Sir!” With that, Alex slid inside. 

-

Alex sat on the couch opposed to his mother. His legs were crossed, as were his arms, and he pinned her down with a stare. His father, always wisely at a distance, sat in the corner, reading a book. Miles watched from the doorway and bit back a chuckle. He wondered if anyone had ever told Alex that, during one of his stare-offs with his mother, they looked eerily similar. 

Penny looked away first and her eyes landed on Miles. “Look at you, dear. All dressed up like that!” Penny beamed. “You even put on a tie? For us? It’s not a fancy dinner, just a bit of cake that we brought back from our stroll!” 

Miles shrugged, but kept his gaze firmly locked on Alex, whose eyes were glued to the tie. When he saw him swallowing, Miles fought hard not to smirk. After Alex’s teasing from earlier had left him on the brink of insanity, Miles had decided to return the favor. “I like to dress up every now and then.” He took a seat next to Alex, placed his hand on his thigh. He felt him twitch underneath his touch. “And you never know, maybe Alex has plans for later that require a tie.” 

He saw the dark shadow of ravenous hunger take hold of Alex’s bright eyes and he let his hand slid up his thigh just a tiny bit. But it was enough to make Alex jump up. 

“Cake, you said? Let’s have cake. Let’s have it now!”

Penny got up, startled. “Dear, calm down. What’s going on? Are you that needy for it?”

Miles tried to mask his laughter by coughing, but Alex flashed him a harsh glare, nonetheless. He took in a deep, shaky breath as he looked at his mother. “Wait outside, mom. And dad. We’ll meet you there. Let me and Mi grab the plates and the cake, alright?”

Alex grabbed Miles’ hand and gave it a hard yank, pulling him off the couch, towards the kitchen. Once there, Miles found himself roughly pushed against the door. Alex fisted his tie and growled as he hauled his face against his own, plunging his tongue deeply into his mouth for a devastatingly intense kiss. When Alex let up, Miles gasped for air. 

“Trying to kill me, are you?” Alex still held on to the tie, his fingers sliding down the silk. “Might as well walk around naked!”

Miles kissed him quick and hard before burying his nose in the crook of Alex’s shoulder. “You’re the one who filled my head with images of being tied up and…” He growled hungrily, grabbed Alex’s waist and bit his neck playfully. “It’s getting worse, Al!” More teasing. “I want you more, not less!” 

“We’re getting really good at this sex thing, aren’t we?” He wrapped his arms around Miles and smiled slyly. “How long do we have until your tour continues?”

As his lips placed tender kisses against the skin he’d teased, Miles whispered, “I can stay for six more days.”

The smile on Alex’s face turned blinding. “I get to keep you for an entire week?”

Miles nodded. 

“We need more lube, then.” 


	24. Mine Forever

_ **2015 ** _

_“It’s driving me fucking insane!” Alex tossed the pencil angrily across the room, hitting Miles’ leg with it. _  
  
“Watch it,” his friend warned, rubbing the spot he’d hit.

_As Miles flipped through the television channels, waiting for time to pass, Alex got up and began pacing the room. He felt overflowing with energy, desperate for an outlet, yet stuck without one. “You could help me?!” _

_“And risk losing my head?” Miles snorted. “No, thank you. Every suggestion I made, you attacked snidely. You want to finish that song? Do it yourself.” _

_Alex glared at him for a moment, then slouched his shoulders. He did that. He tended towards harshness when he was stuck and not getting where he wanted to go. But had he been that awful? “I wasn’t being snide.” _

_“You were ruthless.” _

_But to Alex’s amazement, Miles didn’t appear offended or bothered. Which could only mean that Miles was used to Alex’s bad behavior by now and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that. _

_“Knock yourself out. I’ll leave in a bit anyway.” _

_“You don’t have to leave! You can stay here.” _  
  
Laughter spilled from Miles’ mouth. “I know I can stay, Al. This is my apartment.”

_“Oh. Right.” He’d forgotten about that. _

_“Told you, I’m meeting my mom for dinner. She’s in town with a few of her friends and asked me to meet them.” He smirked. “I’d much rather watch you try and fail with the lyrics b—” _

_Alex kicked his shin playfully, getting more laughter from Miles in return. _

_“But I promised.” _

_“That means I’m all alone tonight?” He blew out a breath. “Just great.” _

_“Meet with Taylor,” suggested Miles. _

_“I don’t want to,” said Alex. He wanted to be with Miles. He wanted to finish that bloody song, but the beginning refused to come to him, and therefore he couldn’t close the ending and it was pissing him off. “Can I stay? Do you have anything to eat?” _

_“Fridge is empty.” Miles checked the time and got up. “Join me.” _

_“Dinner with your mom?” Alex tossed him a skeptical look. “And her friends?” _

_Miles volleyed back a bright smile. “Do it! We’ll meet at this awesome restaurant. The food is incredible! And I won’t have to suffer alone if you come along!” _

_Alex grabbed his jacket. He couldn’t believe he was actually doing it. “You can be lucky that I’m so desperate for distraction that even a dinner with your mom’s friends doesn’t scare me off. We’re taking a cab. I plan on drinking.” _

_“We’re going to have so much fun,” promised Miles. “_

_By the time they arrived at the restaurant, Alex’s stomach was roaring hungrily. _

_“You need a silencer for that,” laughed Miles as his arm slung loosely around Alex’s shoulder. _

_Alex placed a hand on his belly, embarrassed. “I forgot to eat all day.” _

_“I can hear! There they are.” Miles, still laughing, lead Alex towards the large table where his mother Pauline was in the midst of a discussion with half a dozen of her friends when she spotted them. _

_She got up and smiled warmly, hugging first Miles and then squeezing the air right out of Alex. “What a surprise! I haven’t seen you in so long!” She pinched his cheek. “Just like my Miles. You boys are getting more handsome with each passing day!” _

_As Alex rubbed the sore spot on the side of his face, sharing a silent chuckle with Miles, Pauline turned to her friends. “Ladies, this is my Miles. Some of you know him already. And this is his friend Alexander. Call him Alex. He prefers that.” _

_“Oh,” gushed a middle-aged woman with artificially red hair, winking at the guys. “You must be the lovely little rock stars she keeps talking about!” _

_“That,” announced Alex proudly, grinningly, “we are. Lovely and little.” He took a seat next to Miles, who was clearly trying his hardest not to burst with laughter. “Nice to meet you, ladies!” Slipping right into his role as a ladies’ man, Alex let his flirtatious stage persona take over. “What a night, huh? Quite excited to be sitting here with all of you!” When he felt Miles pinch his thigh, Alex’s eyes crinkled. “How about a few drinks? Tell you what, tonight is on me! Let’s make the most of it!” _

_“Stop it,” whispered Miles warningly, no less amused. “All of ‘em will be wildly in love with you before dinner even gets here!” _

_“Let them,” smirked Alex. If inspiration and music refused to come to him tonight, he decided to enjoy the shit out of what was in immediate reach: a fun night out. He glanced at Miles mischievously before turning back to the women at the table. “Did you all hear the latest rumor about Prince William and his Kate? Salacious, isn’t it?” _

_“Absolutely,” agreed a tall brunette in her late sixties, who reached across the table and placed her hand on top of Alex’s. “I had no idea rock stars are into gossip! How refreshingly normal!” Her thumb brushed his fingers and Alex bit back a laugh. As was Miles, whom he saw biting his cheek next to him._

_Alex was truly beginning to enjoy himself. “You have no idea how normal I can be!” _

_“Right down to smelly shirts and dirty socks,” interjected Pauline, getting rewarded with a round of laughter and a blush from Alex. _

_Miles leaned into Alex. “Happy you came along, huh?” They smiled at each other. _

_“Very.” _

_“Miles,” asked a woman with an elaborate hairstyle, as she placed a hand on his mother’s arm, “Pauline told us you’re living in Los Angeles? Is this just a quick visit then, or are you around for a while? I’m asking since we all plan on going for a swim tomorrow and maybe you and your friend might like to join us? Unless you’re all booked up.” _

_Alex bit his tongue as Miles’ cheeks reddened. “Uh, me and Alex…we’re a bit busy at the moment. But enjoy tomorrow.” _

_“That one,” whispered Alex, as the women collectively began to discuss their plans for the next day, “clearly wants to see you shirtless. Shall we join them? We’re not that busy tomorrow!” _

_  
Miles tossed him a dirty look. “Oh, we’re very busy tomorrow!” _

_“Come on, Mi! Let the ladies have a bit of fun! Let them see those abs you work so hard for.”_

_“Feel free to join them tomorrow,” said Miles. “Shall I say that you’re available?” He cleared his throat, about to speak up, when Alex reached over, dug his fingers deeply into Miles’ thigh and glared. He noticed all sets of eyes on him and smiled sheepishly. “Don’t mind us.” _

_Chattering resumed and Alex scowled at Miles. “That was dirty,” he hissed under his breath. “I’ll get you for that one!” _

_“Try, Al. Try!” Miles chuckled. _

_Alex was laughing despite his attempt to look threatening and angered. Miles always did that to him. He took his agitation and his wrecked nerves and his frustration and simply blew them away. No matter how bad or how annoyed he felt, a few moments with Miles and he was on top of the world again. It was one, if not the main reason he appreciated him so much. _

_The waiter approached them and took their orders. The women had clearly decided what they wanted. Miles and Alex, on the other hand, couldn’t settle for a single dish. “Let’s try the chicken,” suggested Miles, “oh, and that one. With the rice!” _

_“And that one,” Alex said, pointing at the menu and showing it to the waiter. “Do we need bread?” _

_Miles nodded. “Of course. And could you place the salad on an extra platter? Thank you.” _

_“Oh, a pitcher of water,” added Alex. _

_“And two glasses of your best white wine. Ice cold.” _

_“Very well. Anything else?” The waiter was frantically scribbling down their order, trying to get all of it. _

_Alex looked at Miles. “That’s it for now?”  
_

_“For now,” agreed Miles. _

_When they were done, Pauline glanced at Miles with a stunned look. “What was that?” _

_“Our order?” Miles frowned, glanced at Alex and shrugged. _

_Alex shrugged, too. “We’re hungry.” _

_“Oh-kay…” _

_“Did we order anything weird,” wondered Alex as he leaned into Miles. _

_His friend seemed equally confused. “I’m not sure. What’s that Italian thing you ordered?” _

_“I think it’s mussel soup.” _

_Miles chuckled. “Probably shocked you’d order something like that, which is why she’s so surprised.” _

_Alex laughed. _

_The wine arrived first, along with a selection of other drinks that the women had ordered. Miles lifted his glass of wine and held it up towards the center of the table. “May the food arrive in time,” he began. _

_“And let it be worth every dime,” finished Alex, raising his glass as well. “Anything you’d like to add to that, ladies?” _

_“Musicians,” muttered the redhead. _

_Miles and Alex were back to laughing. Then both took a sip of the wine and eyed each other. “It’s better than one in Paris,” said Alex and took another sip. _

_“But not as good as the one in Lyon,” stressed Miles. “Liverpool had a good one. But I think New York still stands out.” _

_“Definitely,” nodded Alex. Last year, after realizing they had a shared habit of ordering white wine no matter the food they were having, they had agreed to always order the best white wine to find out which city and which restaurant would win. A dozen restaurants in various cities and a bit of snobbery from the waiting staff had not yet yielded a clear winner. “Both New York restaurants, actually. We may have to try more in that city.” _

_“We could go to dinner around Christmas, I’ll try to be in New York then. You?” _

_  
“I could pencil you in,” offered Alex. After a bit of conversation with Pauline and her friends, Alex touched Miles’ arm and motioned for the bar. “Look, Mi!” _

_“What?” _

_“A piano. Should be go over and play a tune?” _

_“No! Absolutely not. This is not the kind of establishment that listens to the sort of music that you and I make.” _

_  
“I was thinking we could do Meeting Place. Not a Bad Habits preview. But if you don’t want to…” _

_“Since when are you so eager to perform?” _

_Alex didn’t know. It had been a while since he’d done a song with Miles. Sure, they had performed 505 a few times. But there was a difference between that song and any of the Puppets material. “Guess I miss sharing a stage with you.” _

_“We’ll do shows soon. A few more months and we’ll be traveling the festivals.” _

_“We should do a small tour as well.” He surprised himself as he said it. Usually, he preferred the studio to a tour. And it hadn’t been that long ago that he’d finished a very, very long Monkeys tour. But he’d never done one with Miles. And who knew when the opportunity would present itself again. “Not a huge one. But some cities. You and me, traveling the world. We’ve never done that before.” _

_“Do you really want that?” _

_“Yes,” assured Alex. “Don’t you?” _

_“I’d love to go on a tour with you!” _

_“It’s settled then? We’ll do a tour?” _

_Miles chuckled. “Shouldn’t we ask a few people first?” _

_“Nah.” Alex shook his head. “We’ll do what we want. It’s you and me against the world, my friend. And if we want the tour, we’ll do a tour.” His hand squeezed Miles’ arm, which he was still holding on to. “See that? Food arrives fast here!” _

_“It does!” Miles placed his arm around Alex, pulling him closer. “And look at that chicken! It looks delicious!” _

_“Even the salad looks edible!” _

_Laughter. “That must be the greatest compliment a salad has ever gotten from you!” _

_“What can I say,” grinned Alex. “I’m in a very generous mood tonight!” _

_“Oooh,” moaned Miles, mockingly, “are you? Should I take advantage of you, then?” _

_“What do you have in mind?” purred Alex, still grinning. _

_“Well,” whispered Miles, smirking, “when dinner is over, we could leave, head to your place and maybe…you know…” His voice dipped low. “You could lead me to your bedroom and allow me to have five minutes with your new electric guitar.” _

_Alex’s head dropped on Miles’ shoulder as he was overcome by giggles. “Generous, yes. Stupid, no. Once that thing gets in your hands, I’ll never get it back. You’ll fall in love with it, and you’ll smile at me with your big, gullible eyes and I won’t have the heart to take it out of your arms again! It happened before!” _

_“Not with a guitar!” _

_“That shirt meant just as much to me!” _

_“Oh, the frayed grey one? Still wear it to bed sometimes!” _

_Alex felt a oddly happy hearing Miles slept in his old shirt every now and then. _

_The waiter placed the orders in front of them and between the two of them, four separate plates were meticulously arranged. “Bon appétit,” said Miles, using his best French accent. _

_“Buon appetito,” replied Alex with his own attempt at Italian. And they dug in. _

_“You have to try the chicken,” enthused Miles. “It’s amazing.” _

_“The noodles are just as good!” Alex took a piece of Miles’ chicken, placed it on top of a noodle and mushed it with the soup that the mussels came in. He placed the fork into his mouth and moaned. “The wine is average. The food stands out!” _

_“Let me try that!” Miles arranged his own fork, mirrored Alex’s selection and nodded strongly. “Unbelievable! Here!” He placed the small salad plate nearer to him. “You said it looks edible. So eat some!” _

_Alex quickly stuck out his tongue at Miles, but he tried the salad and even though it was painfully grating to admit, he had to concede. “Tastes really good.” _

_“Imagine that,” chuckled Miles. He dipped a piece of chicken into the mussel soup. “I have a new favorite dish! It’s incredible! I got goosebumps from it!” He grinned. “They should call it goosebump soup!” _

_Alex’s eyes got wide. “Honey pie!” _

_“I’m not sure I can do pie once I’m done with all of this,” doubted Miles. _

_“No!” Alex was overjoyed as he placed his hand on Miles’ lower arm, squeezing it. “Goosebump Soup and Honey Pie! That’s it. That’s the line! For the song!” His smile turned blinding. “I love you! Thank you!” _

_Miles beamed, coyly grinning. “Oh, you know me. Always spilling genius lyrics whenever I feel like it!” _

_Alex knew Miles was joking, but sometimes he wished he’d give himself more credit for his words. His friend had a habit of randomly dropping incredible lyrics and not even realizing it and Alex often wondered how much musical perfection had gone lost on the world simply because no one had been around to hear Miles when he’d said it. “I mean it, Mi. I love it!” _

_“Here, try that,” said Miles as he held up a fork with a slice of salad dipped in mussel soup. “You’ll love that even more!” _

_Alex wrapped his lips around Miles’ fork, swallowed its content and closed his eyes. “Delicious!” He opened his eyes and quickly glared at his friend. “You tell anyone I called a salad delicious, you and I are done!” _

_“Your secret is safe with me,” promised Miles. He was about to take another bite when he saw Pauline staring at him. _

_Alex noticed, too, and felt all other eyes on him and Miles as well. “What’s going on?” _

_“I’d also like to know,” stated Miles as he frowned. _

_“Do you always share food?” asked Pauline curiously. _

_“If it’s good, we share,” told Alex, glancing at Miles. “Right?” He didn’t see why that was worthy to be mentioned. _

_“Yes,” agreed Miles. _

_“And the giggling and the touching…?” wondered one of the other ladies. “Oh!” She snapped her fingers. A sign of suddenly understanding something. She leaned in to one of her friends and whispered something to her. Then they both laughed. Afterwards, she smiled at Miles and Alex. “Sorry, we didn’t know. Forget it.” _

_Miles squinted, asking hesitantly, “Know what?” _

_“You and him? Oh, it’s adorable! Pauline, you could have said something. You didn’t have to make up their girlfriends. We’re all okay with a bit of gay here and there! We’re not prude!” _

_Alex caught Miles’ eyes and could tell that his friend was barely keeping it together. Laughter was threatening to burst through him. “A bit of gay,” muttered Miles. _

_Alex snorted. “Only here and there.” _

_“Oh, boys, don’t make fun of us. You two are such an adorable couple! One can really see the love!” _

_Pauline was about to speak when Alex curled his arm around Miles, hauled him in and placed a big, dramatic kiss on his cheek. “You’ve got it all figured out, ladies. What can I say? My Miles is the love of my life! My soulmate!” Another kiss on the cheek. _

_Miles, at last, succumbed to laughter. “Alex, my boo,” he wheezed, “don’t make me blush!” _

_Alex was laughing as well. _

_The ladies resumed dinner and Miles leaned into Alex, brushing his lips against his cheek, whispering, “this is how rumors start! I hope you know that!” _

_Alex was briefly irritated by the jolt of electricity that flashed through him when Miles’ lips touched his face. But he ignored it and smirked. “I don’t mind headlines that call us lovers. But if I read a single line that calls us ‘lovely little rock stars’, I’m losing my shit!” _

_“Oh, sweetie pie,” cooed Miles, extremely amused, “I love it when you get feisty!” _

_“Rawr,” answered Alex. More laughter. _

-

**Present Day**

Damn elevator! Why did it have to break today? Ignoring the sweat on his forehead, Alex sprinted up the stairs, taking two at a time. He was running late. Damn traveling. And damn traffic! Thanks to that, his morning plans were now reduced to a pile of unsatisfied rubble! He nearly tripped as he reached the last steps. Texting and walking should not be done at once, but sometimes, things couldn’t be helped. “Come on, Mi. Answer!” He was getting antsy. He knew Miles was still at home, but he’d be leaving soon. 

The phone rang. It was Miles. And he blew right past pleasantries. Or even a simple hello. “I don’t have time to text right now. Why are you sending me all those filthy images? I have a meeting with my manager, and then there’s this bloody dinner that the label wants me to attend!” 

He sounded frustrated, even annoyed. Alex ignored that and grinned. “I know.”

More grumbling. “Then stop sending me porn! Getting me hard will do neither of us any good right now!” 

“I have to disagree with that,” stated Alex and finally reached the door. He knocked hard. Impatient.

“Shit, somebody’s here.” 

The door swung open and Alex met Miles’ startled eyes with a coy, little wave of his hand. “Surprise!” 

Miles’ jaw dropped. 

Alex was tempted to take offense. “Nothing? No hello, no kiss, no—”

He got a kiss. Miles moved for his lips with so much vigor that Alex stumbled backwards. His arms tightened around his lover’s neck and he smiled into the heated lip-lock. When Miles parted for air, Alex licked his lips. “That’s more like it. It’s been a week! I missed your kisses. I tried to be here earlier, but things are a mess on the street!”

“Perfect,” said Miles and went for his lips again. And again. “Means I have an excuse to be late.” More kissing. 

Alex began to feel dizzy and more than a little aroused. His hands began to play with the hem of Miles’ shirt. His tongue attacked Miles’ neck with seductive licks. “How late can you be? Late enough for some fooling around?” He wiggled his brows, making Miles laugh. 

Miles covered Alex’s hands with his, halting his movements. “Absolutely not! I have five more minutes before I really have to go.” A deep kiss. “That’s not even enough to begin fooling around!” 

Alex stopped, then, and curled into Miles’ arms instead. “In that case, you’ll have something to look forward to. When will you be back?” 

“Early evening?” guessed Miles. “Got a full day ahead of me. I had no idea you’d show up. You didn’t say anything!” 

“That would have ruined the surprise-part, wouldn’t it?” Alex sighed. “Then again, it would have given you a chance to pencil me into your busy day.” He pressed his nose into Miles’ neck and breathed in, loving the scent. Now that they were no longer fighting the attraction between them, but rather feeding it, Miles had begun wearing his signature cologne again. And Alex was a sucker for that scent. “I’ll just wait here for you. Maybe order pizza. Wallow in my loneliness until my lover returns to me…”

Miles chuckled. “Or you could join me for that dinner?”

“Definitely not,” said Alex, unmistakably. “Industry dinners…I love you, but…”

“Not that much,” smirked Miles.

“Nah,” grinned Alex. “Besides…” The grin got bigger. “It’s still here, right?”

Miles needed a moment to understand, but when he did, his amusement took a hit. “Still in the guest room.”

“Would you mind?” Alex put a slow, deep kiss on his lips. “I’ll be very gentle and kind to it. I promise!” 

Laughter broke free. “Knock yourself out. Have fun while I suffer!” 

“Oh, I will,” proclaimed Alex and kissed Miles so hard that it left him breathless. “Go have fun today! Take your time!” 

“Yeah, I love you, too!” 

-

“Have you been playing for all these hours?” 

Alex sat on Miles’ bed, the vintage Fender placed snugly against his front. His strumming ceased when he felt Miles climbing onto the bed. Adjusting, giving him room to get closer, Alex leaned into his arms as Miles wrapped them around his body. When he tightened his hold on his, Alex sighed happily and sank deeper into his embrace. “I stopped for pizza. How was your day?”

“As boring as you can imagine. Yours?”

“Productive.” He turned his head to his side, giving Miles a lingering kiss, then smiled as he got lost in Miles’ soft eyes. “Finally got somewhere with that chorus that I told you about.”

  
“Oh, the one for that new _Monkeys_ song?” Miles rubbed his nose against Alex’s. “Can’t wait to hear that!” 

“Can’t wait for you to, either. I sent some rough cuts of it to the others. Matt is already working on the drum parts. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this inspired and eager to write before. It’s all on you. You fill my head with words and notes and emotions and…love.”

Miles leaned in for another kiss. “Always happy to help.”

Alex closed his eyes when Miles pressed his forehead against that of his own. He’d never been one for endless contact, had often considered a drawn out embrace equal to being held captive, but with Miles, he never felt that way. Where, once, he would have tried to gain distance, in order to not appear too eager for his touch, Alex now lingered and hoped his eagerness would shine through.

“Will you do me a favor?” asked Miles, barely above a whisper.

“Anything.”

“Will you play it for me.”

“The new song?”

“Golden Trunks.” Miles met his eyes. “It’s the only song of yours that I’ve never heard you sing out loud. You’ve never played it live. Like, at all. Have you?”

Alex lowered his eyes. His voice dipped low. “I played the notes, once.” When Miles’ arms gave him a squeeze, he felt that glorious warmth that he loved so much. “I was too scared to play it live. I mean, by the time we began performing the record, you already knew that the song was about you. I feared that playing it, giving you a chance to see me sing those words, would reveal all the deep secrets that I had hidden so well in my heart.”

Miles didn’t say anything. He just watched him wearing that look of complete and unconditional love that let Alex feel so very appreciated. Not as the songwriter and rock star that the rest of the world seemed to care about. No. Miles saw his flawed character, saw his insecurities and his fears, saw his arrogance and his neglectfulness. He saw all of what made him far from perfect and he loved him anyway. Maybe even because of it. “You really want to hear it?”

Miles nodded. 

Alex shifted, took a hold of the guitar in his lap and adjusted the instrument. “Hold me while I sing,” he whispered and began strumming.

“_So in response to what you whispered in my ear_  
_I’ll be upfront, sometimes (sometimes) I fantasize about you, too”_

As the last notes drifted from the little amp near the foot of the bed, Alex placed his head back against Miles’ shoulder.

“Thank you.” Miles rubbed his cheek against Alex’s. “It’s a beautiful song.”

A smile tugged on Alex’s mouth. “You like that it’s about you.”

Miles bit his lower lip. “Maybe.”

“I should be honest. I fantasized about you so bloody often, the word ‘sometimes’ does not apply.” Alex entwined their fingers and closed his eyes, completely at peace.

After a while of simply enjoying each other in silence, Miles spoke up again, traces of bemusement in his voice. “I got a strange text from Matt today.”

“Yes?” Alex was on the very verge of drifting off into peaceful slumber.

“Told me he was available to be my best man.”

Well…fuck sleep.

Miles, and for that Alex was wildly grateful, chuckled, instead of freaking out. “Did I miss something? Have we gotten engaged?”

“Most definitely not,” stated Alex, inwardly pummeling his drummer. “When I was in LA…” He sighed, rubbing his forehead in annoyance. “The band was joking about who would make a better best man. Jamie said something about my mother wanting us to get married and then – you know how they are! I told them it wouldn’t happen!”

“No?”

Alex spun around. He pinned Miles down with a fiercely inquisitive look. “You want to?”

Miles met Alex’s sharp eyes head-on. “Do you?”

“I mean…” Hesitation. Alex climbed off the bed, began pacing Miles’ bedroom. It was a terribly complex question, which Miles had posed. “We’ve just gotten together!”

“I know,” agreed Miles, who crossed his legs and kept his gaze on Alex.

“Don’t you you think we should at least move in together before we even consider marriage?”

“I was under the impression we were living together, already.”

Alex stared at Miles, stunned. They were having a serious discussion about a very complex issue and here he was, bloody smirking and having the time of his live just sitting on that bed. “When have we moved in together?”

“Between us, we have, like, six places. It’s not about where our socks live, Al. Whenever we’re in the same city, we share a home.”

Fair point, conceded Alex, but…”wait, six places?” He tended to get stuck on the unimportant parts when everything else mattered more. “Two in LA, two in London, one in France, that’s five, not six.”

“One in Italy,” spoke Miles. He smiled softly. “Signed the papers yesterday. It’s an old house, in the south, twenty minutes from the ocean. It’s rusty and antique and not really big, but it’s beautiful and full of potential. It has got a huge property along with a small lake.”

“You got a house in Italy?”

“_We_ got a house in Italy.”

Alex just stood there, in front of the bed, fixated on Miles.

“Tell me this,” Miles said, scooting towards the edge of the mattress as he reached for Alex’s hands. “When you and I are in the same city, do you even consider not spending your night with me? ‘cause I don’t.”

“I don’t, either,” clarified Alex.

“And when I come to France, do you ever wish I’d stay somewhere else, other than your house?”

“No, of course not. I told you, it’s _our_ house.”

“See?”

Alex felt Miles tugging on his hands and he instinctively stepped closer, letting go and bringing his hands to his partner’s face, gently caressing it with his thumbs. “So…I guess we’re living together, then.”

Miles grinned as he shrugged his shoulders. “I think we do.”

“Is this your way of telling me that we should actually consider marriage?” Alex’s voice was low and timid. “'cause it’s a big step.”

“Is it, though?” Miles gazed up at him. His arms wrapped around Alex’s middle and Alex could feel some of the tension inside of him disappear. “In my mind, you and I are in it forever. You’re the love of my life, Al. My soulmate. You’re the one that all the love songs are about. I can no longer see a future that doesn’t include you. And I know you say you don’t care for the marriage certificate and the formality of it all. But I know you. I know you’re a big, old romantic at heart and if there’s one thing about marriage that you do care about, then it’s the symbolism.”

Alex took a deep, unsteady breath. He was still brushing his thumbs gently across Miles’ cheeks. “If this is your way of asking me to marry you, I have to tell you, I won’t wear a golden wedding band. I’m not into princess cut engagement rings. I won’t walk down an aisle. I’m not going to recite a vow in front of a priest. I hate the thought of wearing a tuxedo and…” Another deep breath. “Are you asking?”

“Alex?” Miles let go of him and reached for the Fender next to him. Then he held it up in front of Alex as he slipped off the bed and down onto one knee. “Will you accept this magnificent piece of perfection and do me the honor of spending the rest of your life with me?”

His eyes went wide. “You really are asking!”

“I am.” Miles still held the Fender up. “Will you be mine forever, and accept me as yours for just as long?”

“Yes!” Alex took the guitar, placed it on the ground and climbed on top of Miles, straddling him. “Yes. I will spend the rest of my life with you!” He curled his arms around his neck as he watched Miles’ face lighting up with a blinding smile. “Yes.”

“No priest,” whispered Miles against Alex’s lips, “no vows and no big show. Only you and me.”

“And a guitar,” grinned Alex.

“Exactly the way it began all those years ago.”

Just like that, realized Alex, they had decided to remain together for the rest of their lives. Maybe they’d do their parents the favor of partaking in a bit of a ceremony to make it a little more official, but to Alex, from this moment on, they were married. He sank his lips against those of Miles’ and moaned into the kiss. As his tongue slid languidly against Miles’, Alex found that forever tasted finer, better and more addictive than anything else he’d ever tried before.

His fingers busied themselves with Miles’ shirt and he smirked at his restless movements underneath him. “Want something, love of mine?”

Miles stretched and barely managed to catch Alex’s lips. “You, right now!”

Alex dragged his teeth across his lower lip, wickedly smiling. “I don’t know, Miles. Do we really want to start this marriage of ours with sex? What if that will set the tone for the rest of it?”

Miles’ hand moved from Alex’s thigh towards his rock hard erection and began to rub him. Slow but firm. Alex closed his eyes as his breathing became uneven. “Would you rather we have a discussion right now?” Miles’ thick voice crashed against Alex’s skin like a wave of pure lust. “Shall we talk about a new record that you discovered?” His lips traced the line of Alex’s collar bone with feathery kisses. “Or a book you read?” He licked the first traces of sweat from where it gathered on his skin. “Or a—”

“Fuck me!” Blurted Alex and pushed himself hard against Miles’ hand. “Fuck me right now!” He was desperate for more friction. Yet, all he got were chuckles.

“Shall I tell you about that band I heard?” Running his fingertips lightly down the line of Alex’s spine, Miles kept teasing him. “They are very…”

When Miles’ hand dipped below the waist of his trousers, Alex lost it. Pushing him backwards, he hovered over him as he stripped out of his shirt. “Fuck. Me.” His head dipped down. His lips attacked Miles’ with a vicious, almost bruising kiss. “Understood?” He never felt bad for being rough and passionate and unrestrained. He knew Miles was strong and hard and could take it. He loved that part about being with a man. It was a match of equal strength. And Miles carried the same fire inside of him.

Miles flipped them over swiftly. “Understood.” He quickly rid Alex of his pants and underwear before rolling him over. “Tell me how you want it!”

Alex arched his back as Miles slipped a finger deeply into his ass. “Wild!” He was gasping for air. “Wild and…oh God! Don’t stop!”

“Never,” whispered Miles, nibbling on Alex’s earlobe and continuing to pleasure him.

Half an hour later, Alex lay on the floor of Miles’, or, rather, _their_ bedroom and stared at the ceiling, trying desperately to catch his breath. After a few successful attempts of getting his lungs filled with air, he let his head fall to the side, glancing at Miles, who lay next to him, equally naked and just as spent. “Did you know there’s a video of us making out in that club we went to on your last day in Paris?”

Miles shook his head.

“Saw the screenshots of it earlier today, in some gossip rag, when I arrived at Heathrow.” Alex reached out and linked their hands together. “After weeks of speculation, they finally have their proof that _Milex_ is real.”

“You got to stop saying that!” Miles was laughing. “My mother called me yesterday and asked me what it meant! Turns out you said it to your mother, who tried googling it and accidentally landed on a website that was full of _Milex _fan-fiction!”

“And images,” added Alex. “My mom called me, too, and asked me why I needed so long to figure out you loved me when all she had to do was look at those images!”

“Was it really that obvious?” wondered Miles.

“Seems that way.” Alex smiled. “Maybe we didn’t want to see it?”

“Or, maybe, we were too dumb to see it?”

“That’s most likely!”

“Suki and Alexa made a bet about which one of us would fall first for the other one.”

“So everyone but us knew all along?”

“And now,” said Miles as his eyes landed on the Fender, “nobody but us knows.” He curled up against Alex’s side and kissed his cheek. “Mine forever.”

Alex wrapped his arms around him as he pulled him closer. He tipped his head to the side, touching their noses together, and smiled. “Mine forever.”


	25. In Front Of The Mirror

**I know I said I’d post the epilogue. But that one is taking me longer than I had anticipated. So, until it arrives, here’s some smut to fill the time. 😉**

Alex leaned against the bedroom door and watched with great interest and a fiercely growing hunger as Miles performed his morning routine of sit-ups. If he’d counted correctly, he was somewhere near a hundred by now. He was sweaty and breathing hard and completely focused on his workout.**  
**

He, himself, on the other hand, had not the least bit of interest in joining in or doing anything remotely similar. He’d just come back from a long trip across the pond where he had recorded a few tracks with the rest of his band. Sometimes, he let Miles convince him to join him during sit-ups. Sometimes, they’d compete. Today, not so.

Today, he fully enjoyed the sight and kept enjoying from a safe distance. Miles kept going faster and Alex wondered where on earth he found the motivation to be this energetic at seven-thirty a.m. in the morning.

Sweat was running down the chest of Miles’ naked upper body and Alex felt the familiar lust taking hold on him. Licking his lips, he carefully and quietly walked into their bedroom, snuck up behind him and crouched down.

“Hi there,” he whispered, chuckling when Miles made a startling move forward.

Then Miles fell backward, directly into his arms. “Scared the hell out of me, Al!”

Hovering over his face, Alex lowered his head and brought their lips together. Slowly, agonizingly. Miles moaned into the kiss and it spurred him on. Made him kiss harder, deeper, more passionately. His hand went to Miles’ chest, finding it damp and hot and he stroked it up and down, side to side, letting his fingertips dance across his nipples, then feeling the soft hairs as they tingled his fingertips.

Miles reached out, curled his arms around Alex’s neck and brought him closer. But there was only so far that Alex could lean down. Dying for more contact, he let go and changed positions, straddling Miles.

“You’re wearing too much,” murmured Miles as his mouth left searing kisses all over Alex’s neck.

“Matt made fun of me for all those hickeys you left the last time,” said Alex with a thick voice as he dug his fingers into Miles’ back, encouraging him to do it all over again.

Miles chuckled against Alex’s throat. “Had to mark my territory before you went away.”

Alex brought their mouths together, kissing him hard. He loved it when Miles did that, loved being peppered with his little marks of passion.

Six months of relationship had done nothing to lessen his want for Miles. If anything, being with him had made it worse. It had fed their desire. And getting to know each other on an even deeper level had made them fall for each other that much harder. There wasn’t a day that Alex didn’t consider himself fucking lucky to have Miles as his and Miles never failed to let Alex know he felt the same way.

Even on his worst days, Miles managed to make him smile brighter than ever before. When he got lost in his phases of inspiration, when he locked himself away in his studio, Miles always found ways to draw him back into the real life, even if only for a while. Nobody else ever managed.

Alex got rid of his own shirt and wrapped his arms around Miles’ neck, deepening their kiss once again. Miles’ hand went to the button of his jeans, undid it, tried wiggling them down, but in this position, it was impossible.

Getting up, Alex grinned as he shoved his pants down, briefs included. Standing naked and ready in front of Miles, he held out his hand, but Miles grabbed the back of Alex’s thighs instead. He made him step forward as he sat up.

Alex looked down and purred like the happiest cat as Miles’ tongue licked him. Up and down, again, until he grabbed him and swallowed him whole. “Fuck!” moaned Alex as he pushed his fingers deeply into Miles’ short hair. “God, yes! Baby…you’re so fucking good!”

Miles kept going for a few more moments before leaning back, eyes traveling up his body, until, finally, meeting Alex’s with a provocative glint. “Blow job or sex orgasm?”

“Sex,” grinned Alex and stepped away from him. His hand moved forward, his finger curled and he let him know that he wanted him to follow.

“Where?” asked Miles as he got up, quickly getting rid of his shorts and briefs.

“Bathroom,” husked Alex. His voice was gravelly. “Against the sink. In front of the mirror.” He led the way, got there first and spread his legs as he faced their reflections. His hands held onto the white porcelain. “I want slow and dirty.”

Miles’ lips went to his neck as he pressed up against his back. He suckled on his skin. Teased him. Alex’s head rolled back and his jaw dropped from the sheer pleasure of it. Cupping his cheek, Miles turned his face and licked deeply into his mouth as he rubbed the tip of his cock up and down Alex’s crack.

Letting go of the sink, Alex moved both hands behind his head, around Miles’, to bring him closer. To arch wantonly against him. “Do it,” he begged. “Please…take me!”

One of Miles’ hands slipped around Alex’s torso, agonizingly unrushed. His fingertips tickled and tempted his patience towards the breaking point. Alex pushed his ass backward, giving Miles an unambiguous idea of what he wanted.

Soft laughter vibrated against his ear shell and Alex groaned frustratedly. Until Miles pushed inside. Then his groan became a filthy, rotten noise of utmost desire.

“How slow?” whispered Miles. “Like this?” He was barely moving. And still managed to slow down. “Slower?”

“Gawwr.” Overwhelmed already, Alex couldn’t speak in words anymore.

Miles’ hand wrapped around Alex’s painfully hard erection as he gently sped up his thrusts. “Love touching you, babe!” His teeth nipped on his sensitive skin as he began stroking him in sync to his pace. “You’re so big and hard. So delicious. Spent the last two weeks dreaming of nothing but you and your cock. Every night that you weren’t there, the thought of you kept me awake. It made me long for you. It made me crave you. It made me wank myself as I imagined your hand on my cock.”

Another bite.

God, those words!

Alex shuddered.

He felt completely bent out of shape by the way he was arching and holding onto Miles and as he watched the love of his life slowly fuck him into oblivion, not once letting go of his blackened gaze, the lyrics to Used To Be My Girl crossed his mind and a grin appeared on his lust-filled face. Not for the first time did it occur to him that their Puppets lyrics were vastly more sexual than he’d previously realized.

Their bodies were covered his sweat, their breathing was ragged. Alex felt close to passing out as Miles’ tempo turned tantalizingly fast. “Come for me,” rasped Alex, roughly grabbing Miles’ hair, fisting it. “Do it, baby, come inside my ass. Fill me up!”

He felt him explode against his body. His grip got tight, his body shook vigorously, and the most erotic noises slipped from his dry throat. Alex watched in complete trance as Miles came deep inside of him. And it was then that he was overcome with his own release, which struck him hard and turned him into an incoherent, mumbling mess.

Alex dropped forward, all but collapsed on top of the sink as Miles clung firmly to him, his lover’s forehead pressing against his nape.

After a while of simply catching their breaths, Alex smiled softly. “Got any plans today?”

Still breathless, Miles merely shook his head.

“Good,” said Alex. And grinned. “Let’s do it again then!”

Miles laughed against his back. “Now?”

“Yep. First in the bed, then in the shower, then in the kitchen,…”

“.…then on the hood of your car,” added Miles, eliciting an intrigued expression from Alex.

“Nice one. We haven’t done that yet.”

“Know where we also haven’t done it yet?”

“Where?”

“Balcony.”

A dirty grin lit on Alex’s face. “Riscué. I like that.” He grabbed Miles’ hand, entwined their fingers. “Let’s start there, then!” 


	26. Epilogue

At long last, the epilogue. 

Thanks to all your kind words, the kudos and the love you gave to this story. I'll begin posting my new Milex story soon and hope to see you there as well! ❤️

Nick rolled his eyes hard as he kicked a half-filled box of books away from the sofa to take a seat. “How long do you live here now? Two months? Don’t you think it’s time to unpack?”

“Nope.” Alex reclined in his seat; legs spread out. “Mi and I won’t stay here for long. Unpacking would make no sense.”

Jamie snorted from his spot next to Nick and Katie, sitting on his lap, tried to fight a giggle. “Why did you move in here in the first place?” she wondered. 

“Miles’ place was too small and once he moved in with me, my place became too small. We needed a bigger place. And this was available. London isn’t an easy place to get something nice in the nick of time.”

“You got a nice and big place in Paris,” Matt reminded him. 

Alex sighed. “Paris isn’t London.” They stayed in Paris now and then. They loved it there in the summer when the weather was nice, and the sun was warm. But, once fall arrived, the weather in Paris was as shitty as it was in London. And if it was raining anyway, London beat Paris by a mile. London was home. The only thing left to do now was to find an actual home. Something big and welcoming. None of those modern, white-walled monstrosities that were marketed as lofts these days. And the charming apartments that his latest real estate agent had tried to load off on him had the appeal of a mud splash.

He had his sight set on something special. Something unique and rare. But getting it proved to be harder than he’d imagined. 

“It took me a year to find the right place,” said Jamie. “Do you really want to live between boxes for that long?”

“If need be, yes.” He checked the time. “What time did you get the table, Nick?” Alex was beginning to feel hungry. That bit of toast from the morning had long ago stopped keeping his stomach entertained and it had been the last bit of edible thing this apartment had to offer. He’d yet again forgotten to buy food. And the weird shit that Miles hauled in was barely worth even looking at.

“Around eight. We should leave soon. At this time, we’ll need an hour to make it there. London in December is hell!” 

“Tell me about it,” said Katie. “Took me an eternity to get a parking spot!” 

“I offered to drive,” remarked Jamie. “You refused to let me.”

“Last time you drove my car, you got a ticket!”

Alex chuckled. “How’d you end up with the fast car and Jamie stuck with the mini-van?”

“Speeding tickets,” grinned Katie. “The mini-van bores the shit out of him, which means he won’t drive fast with it.” 

“One more ticket,” grumbled Jamie, “and they’ll bench me. Gotta behave for a bit.” 

“Which means I get to drive his Porsche for now!” Katie placed a quick kiss on Jamie’s mouth. “I do love your car, honey! Who knows, maybe you and Jamie can share a cab soon. Miles mentioned you’ve been collecting tickets as well!”

“Not just tickets,” laughed Matt. “He tried to charm his way out getting one and got a warning from the police officer for attempted bribery!”

“She wore one of those festival wristbands. From Glastonbury. Asked her if she ever saw us live. She said yes. I offered to sign a record for her. She took it the wrong way.”

Matt pinned him down with a glare. “She didn’t take it the wrong way. You were miffed she declined and ticketed you anyway!”

“Whatever.” Miles and Matt had been in the car with him and if the two of them hadn’t reduced themselves to piles of laughter, the police officer might have actually let him off the hook! 

“When will Miles get back?” asked Matt.

“Two more days. Then he’s back for the weekend before he leaves for Glasgow again.” 

“He’s busy, huh?”

“Yep.” Alex loved that Miles was invited to all sorts of festivals and that he was so popular that his tour seemed never-ending, but at the same time, it was hard to constantly say goodbye when all Alex wanted to do was hold on and keep him close. 

His phone vibrated. He looked at it quickly and grinned at what the message read. 

“Good news?” asked Jamie. 

“Very good news,” said Alex. Maybe this whole apartment-drama was coming to an end soon. The text was from his lawyer who may or may not be able to seal quite a good deal today. Depending on the sellers. 

The doorbell rang. “Oh, finally!” Alex was desperately waiting for a package. He’d gotten into online shopping these days and found an old antiquities store in France that showcased its entire selection on the web. He’d gotten way too many things already. Books, an old carpet, a lamp, a vintage leather jacket that Miles continuously tried to steal from him… 

He pulled the door wide open, ready to sign and unpack the box when he froze mid-move. 

“Hey, babe!” 

Alex reached out, grabbed Miles’ head and pulled him in for a bruising kiss. His arms roped around his neck, his entire body pressed up against Miles’ and within a matter of seconds, Miles had him flattened to the doorframe, returning the kiss with equal fervor. 

“You’re…mmmhh…early,” murmured Alex between wild kisses and needy gropes. 

“Missed you so much!” Miles smiled into the kiss, bringing unabashed happiness to Alex’s face. “Got an early flight.” Hands went to Alex’s butt and Miles lifted him off the floor. “Tell me where!”

“Nowhere,” yelled Matt from the couch while the others whistled in unison. 

Alex chuckled into the crook of Miles’ shoulder. “Oh yes, we got visitors.” He fastened his grip on Miles and grinned harder when his love carried him all the way to the couches. 

“Hey, guys!” Miles dropped Alex onto the couch and immediately settled on his lap. 

Wrapping his arms around him, Alex made sure to keep Miles there. One was curled loosely around his waist, absentmindedly playing with the hem of his shirt. The other was on Miles’ thigh, not quite so absentmindedly playing there. 

“How was the trip?” asked Katie. 

After a while of sharing stories of the past two weeks, Nick and Matt got into a discussion with Jamie and Katie about the pros and cons of spending Christmas on a beach.

Alex was too lost in Miles to care about any of that. “I thought you had a gig tonight.”

“Got canceled. Bad weather.” Miles nuzzled into Alex’s neck. “And Glasgow got pushed to February. Something about construction problems.”

That meant Miles would be home for two months. “Baby, that’s so sad!” 

Miles was laughing as he caressed the delicate skin underneath Alex’s eyes with his finger. “You’re such a bad liar! But I agree,” he said, leaning in, kissing him, “it’s truly awful.” More kissing. “Horrible.” More. “I’ll be stuck with you for weeks and weeks.” And more. “Whatever will we do, huh?”

Alex’s hand slipped beneath Miles’ shirt, finding his skin hot and soft and oh so alluring. “We’ll bore each other,” he whispered. “No doubt.”

“We’ll tire of one another quickly.”

They were enjoying each other immensely. He’d missed him so much. Missed all that playfulness, missed the kisses, the smiles, the warmth of his arms. “We’ll wish we’d be anywhere but here.” 

Miles leaned back, meeting Alex’s eyes slyly. “Well,…that might actually be true! Did the real estate agent sent more offers?”

“Nothing good.”

“We’re still stuck here, then?”

Well… Alex tried to be vague without lying outright. “For the moment.” Miles would explode if Alex’s plan worked out. Hopefully in a good way. 

“We’ll make do!” 

Forever the optimist, thought Alex, and kissed him again. 

Nick got up. “We should really leave. I’ll call the restaurant and inform them to add a seat.”

“Tell ‘em to cut a seat.” Katie got up as well. “Alex won’t be joining us.”

Nick frowned. “Huh?”

“Katie, you can’t just uninvite him,” said Jamie. 

Matt sighed as he met Katie’s eyes. “They don’t get it, do they?”

“Not even a little,” she agreed. 

Alex chuckled as he clung to Miles, not even attempting to get up. “She’s got a point. I really don’t feel like going out tonight.”

“Should we stay here, then?” asked Jamie. 

Katie and Matt laughed and tugged the other two towards the door. “Honey,” she said, facing Jamie. “You do not want to stay and watch.”

“We’ll do dinner tomorrow! You’re all invited.” Miles’ hand snuck underneath Alex’s shirt, which made him perk up and smile widely. 

“Just not tonight,” Alex said, eager to resume his kisses with Miles. “Pull the door close on your way—” The words died on his lips when Miles was overcome with the same desire and swept his lips up in a fiery kiss. 

“Bedroom?” muttered Miles between kisses.

“Can’t wait that long,” said Alex as he tore Miles’ shirt apart, pushing him back onto the couch and straddling him. “Two weeks are not doable! I barely got any sleep!” He tossed his own shirt away and watched hungrily as Miles went for his belt. “Two weeks without you make me cranky,” he admitted, leaning down and kissing him hard. “They make me needy and restless and—” Another kiss. “Turn around!” 

Miles did in a heartbeat. A huge smile flew to his face as a hungry growl slipped from his throat. “Do me real good!” 

“Better believe I will!” 

-

Alex opened his eyes, stretched and purred like the world’s most satisfied, well-fed cat. A huge grin was on his face as he rolled on his stomach, squinting in the dark, searching for Miles. He found his phone instead and discovered a slate of unread messages. 

_Contract signed. _

_Congratulations._

_We’ll do the final paperwork tomorrow. _

_Sent a courier with the keys, should be there shortly. _

Alex frowned. The last message arrived an hour ago. And no courier had arrived. Then again, he and Miles had been a bit preoccupied. And loud. Maybe he hadn’t heard?

Butt-naked and completely content, Alex made his way to the front door, pulled it the tiniest bit ajar to check for neighbors or other people. No one in sight. He opened the door further. 

There it was. 

On the floor. 

A small, plain black box. 

_Perfect_. 

“Miles?” Door closed, box in hand, Alex made his way to the pile of clothes on the ground and grabbed his jeans. Once he had them on, he shoved the box into the pocket and headed for the little balcony. “Mi?”

“Out here!” Wearing only jeans himself, Miles leaned against the banister, cigarette in hand, and gazed dreamily at the object of his wildest desires. 

The house across the street. 

“The lights are out. They must be asleep already.”

Alex grinned as he wrapped his arms around him from behind, placing a sweet kiss on his cheek. “What did I tell you about spying on the neighbors?”

“I’m not spying on them!” A sly smirk tugged on Miles’ lips as he leaned his cheek against Alex’s. “I’m just checking up…on their house.”

On their first night here, while trying to fall in love with their actual apartment, Miles had hopelessly lost his heart to the house across the street, which they had a magnificent view on. It was an old building with brown bricks and sprawling details. The windows were new and wide, and it had the most amazing balcony in all of London, assumed Alex. 

When the sun set and the apartment was lit, one could see the mahogany doors and tall ceilings. The rooms were large and while the interior design wasn’t quite what Miles and Alex preferred, it was still well decorated. 

“Do you know that the guest bathroom has a floor-length mirror that’s rimmed with white mosaic? Looks insane!” Miles’ eyes turned distant. “And the kitchen? Oh, Al. I’ve never seen a thing more beautiful!” 

The kitchen had no window that they could look into. Neither had the bathroom. Alex raised a brow as he nudged his nose against Miles’ jaw. “How do you know? Please tell me you didn’t break in!” 

A smile lit Miles’ face. “When you were in Sheffield last month, I may have knocked on their door and asked to use their bathroom.” 

“Miles Peter Kane!” Alex’s jaw dropped. “I can’t believe you did that!” 

“I had to!” His expression turned sheepish. “I had to know, Alex! I couldn’t live with the questions. I needed answers! I had to see the kitchen!” 

Alex curled his arms further around Miles, seeking warmth from him. The cold December night wasn’t meant for shirtless bodies and bare feet. But he also wasn’t willing to relinquish that delicious feeling of Miles’ skin against his own. “What else did you discover on your covert mission?”

“Your Steinway grand piano would look so fucking good in the living room! Imagine, babe: Cold, snowy nights, the storm rages outside the windows. But you and I are on the floor on that luxurious carpet of yours, entwined in front of the fire space. The walls are covered with framed cover art and old images. Our guitars are neatly positioned in the corners. The old record player is crackling as we listen to past tunes. Or to the Chipmunks’ Christmas record!”

Laughter burst from Alex as he envisioned it. “It’s got plenty of rooms. Whatever would we do with all of ‘em?”

“One we could set up as a studio for you!” Miles didn’t even need to think about it. “One we’d turn into a guest room, you know, when our parents visit? I’d cook for you in the kitchen. And we could have a dining room. Or fill it with a giant flat screen tv and a Play Station and an X Box. We’d finally have a closet big enough for all of our stuff!”

“We’d need a new couch. Get rid of our old ones.” Right now, they had his old one and Miles’ old one sitting side by side. “We could get that big, comfy leather one that we saw. We’d have the space for it.”

“And that bookshelf that you liked so much. For all those dictionaries and thesauruses. And the rhyme books. And the weird French ones.” 

Alex kissed a languid path from Miles’ nape to his jawline. “The ones you make me read to you?” 

“I love when you speak French. Can’t help myself.” Seven months of relationship and Miles still blushed when Alex mentioned something as innocent as that. 

Seven months of relationship and Alex was still falling in love with Miles. Deeper and deeper, every day. 

“Know what we should do?” Miles covered Alex’s arms with his own and rubbed the coldness away. “Make them an offer they can’t refuse!” 

“Out of the blue?”

“Yes!”

“What if they will refuse?”

“Then, at least, we’d know for sure! Let’s make them an offer now.” 

“In the middle of the night?” Alex chuckled. “That would do more harm than good, wouldn’t you say?” He laced his fingers with Miles’. “Tell me more about the house for now.”

Miles’ head rolled back, against Alex’s shoulder. And he sighed deeply. “You’re making me have all those dreams about us in the pretty house.”

“I know,” whispered Alex. “But you dream such beautiful dreams. Tell me just one more. Tell me about the kitchen. How would it look like?”

“Elegant and warm,” spoke Miles, eyes closed, cheek once again pressed to Alex’s. “The big coffee monster would have plenty of room to breathe and not get in your way when you experiment with your sandwiches!” 

“It’s not experimenting,” remarked Alex, pecking Miles’ cheek between words. “I just haven’t found the perfect recipe yet.”

His body vibrated softly as he laughed, wrapped up tight in Alex’s arms. “We’d have one of those fancy kitchen machines. I’d bake cookies for you.”

“Will you wear an apron?”

“With or without anything underneath?”

“What do you think?”

“We wouldn’t be making plans to go out on Christmas. We’d have our families over. And I’d be sharing the kitchen with your mom and mine and we’d have dinner in our dream house. We’d have a massive Christmas tree.”

“Two and a half meters tall at least!” 

“Decorated to the bone!” 

Last year, Alex had spent Christmas miserable and alone, wishing death to every Reindeer and Santa plushy he came across. This year, he couldn’t wait for the day to arrive. He’d gotten an obscene number of gifts for Miles. And he’d gotten matching Christmas pajamas for them. When Miles had seen them, he’d combusted in laughter. Then he’d immediately tried his on. What a difference a year could make. What a difference love could make. 

“We should really hurry then.” Alex pulled a hand from Miles and softly slid it down the side of his body, to his waist, where he rested it. “Those big trees are hard to come by, I’ve heard.” 

Miles smiled softly. “We don’t have enough space for such a big tree, babe.”

“And we should cancel the reservation at the restaurant. I mean, it really wouldn’t be fair to hog the table when they could give it to somebody else.” 

“What are you talking about?” Miles tried to catch Alex’s eyes. “Why would we cancel? We can’t serve dinner here. Where would we seat them all?”

“In the dining room.” Alex pulled the black box from his pocket with one hand, retrieved the key from it and held it up. He finally met Miles’ gaze. “Merry early Christmas.”

Miles’ eyes were clouded with confusion. They were big and round and his mouth was slightly ajar. “You got me a key?”

Pulling his other arm out of Miles’ hold, Alex placed it beneath Miles’ chin and gently turned his face towards the house across the street. “I got us our house.” 

It took a few moments for Miles to react. And when he did, his focus wandered from the house, to Alex, back to the house, then back to Alex. 

Alex, meanwhile, watched amused. Until, at long last, Miles settled his attention on him. “The…you…huh?”

“You.” He placed a sweet kiss on Miles’ stunned lips. “And I.” Another kiss. “Are now the proud owners of the house across the street.” One more kiss. “That is,” said Alex, biting his lips coyly, “if you want that. Do you want that? Will you move into our dream house with me?”

Still nothing. Alex was beginning to wonder if he had overwhelmed him. Until, a second later, a blinding smile broke out on Miles’ face and Alex felt himself swept up into the air. 

“Of course! I want that,” exclaimed Miles jubilantly, spinning them around, again and again. Then he stopped, set Alex down and kissed him so hard that he feared he might never recover. “Is it really our house?”

Alex cupped Miles’ cheeks; rubbed their noses together. “Our house. We have to sign the papers tomorrow. And then we can move in.”

“Tomorrow?”

“The elderly couple moved to South Italy last week.” For once, luck had been on his side and he’d caught sight of the moving truck. They hadn’t intended to sell. They had considered keeping the house as an investment. But Alex had put all of his charm, all of his energy and all of his _‘I’m the perfect son-in-law’_ sweatshirts to good use. After two days of relentless sweet-talking, they had told him to contact their lawyer and get things moving. 

And tonight, his lawyer had closed the deal. 

“I don’t know what to say,” confessed Miles. 

“If you got no words to express your state of happiness…” Alex brushed his lips against Miles’. “You can always use your lips instead.” 

A fierce grin spread on Miles’ face. And he dove straight for Alex’s mouth, capturing his lips and not letting go again for a very long time. 

Not, when he walked them into the bedroom, not, when they made love, and not until he fell asleep in Alex’s arms. 

As Alex watched Miles’ body curled up against his own, as he listened to him breathing softly and slumbering peacefully, his mind drifted back to the first night they’d ever shared a bed. 

So many years had passed since then. It had been at a festival. They’d been a little drunk. They shared a hotel room, by accident really. Miles’ hotel room had been full of people who drunkenly crashed there. Alex had suggested he’d bunk with him instead. He hadn’t even intended sharing a bed. They’d fallen into it, truly. Tipsy and laughing. 

Alex had stripped out of his sweater, his shoes, and his jeans first. Miles had followed. Then they’d crawled underneath the blanket. And they had fallen asleep. He still remembered waking up the next morning, finding the bed warmer than usual. He remembered feeling oddly reluctant to leave the bed. The bedsheets had tangled around them and his foot had somehow ended up wedged between the mattress and the covers. He remembered watching Miles for a long while. He had needed a bit longer to wake up and adjust to reality. Then he’d promptly laughed at the sight of him as he’d tried to detangle out of that mess of sheets and covers. Hearing Miles laugh had been so reassuring. It had let him know that they were good. It had let him know that sleeping in one bed would not kill their friendship. 

It had been the beginning. 

But, it had also been the end of waking up together. Because, as Alex had watched Miles sleeping, he’d felt odd things. He’d experienced curious little notions. He’d had funny, new thoughts. None of them had made any sense to him at the time. However, a part of him had understood the general direction of where all of that could lead to. At the time, he hadn’t been ready for that. 

Now, though? 

Alex pulled the sheet further over Miles’ shoulder, to keep him warm. His fingertips danced idly over his skin. 

Now, the thought of not waking up next to him had the tendency to put him in a foul mood. He tried to accept that their lifestyles demanded separation over long periods of time. But he drew the line at anything that exceeded two weeks. More than that, and they’d have to find a way to meet in between. 

Lucky for him, Miles felt exactly the same way. 

To know that there was a person out there who desperately longed to hold you, to kiss you and to love you made you feel better than any words could ever dare to express. 

The feeling of being loved back by the one you loved was indescribable. 

And, phew!, had he tried to describe it! His band still laughed at the sheer number of love songs Alex had written since getting together with Miles. 

He’d written a few songs with Miles as well. But they had officially ended the Shadow Puppets. They’d performed a few songs at the end of last summer, during a festival. A proper goodbye, so to say. They’d performed the song they’d finished together. Miles’ love song to Alex. 

But they had both agreed that they were lovers now. And while the occasional song or performance was forever fun and enjoyable, an album and a tour would do no good. It would take away what came naturally and replace it with something forced. 

But it was okay. 

Alex no longer needed the Puppets to sneak longing glances at Miles. He didn’t need the pretext of a performance to seek proximity. 

If he wanted Miles, in whatever way, all he had to do was go and get him. 

And the same applied to Miles. 

There was no need for abstract lyrics. No need for code and secrecy. The world was aware that they were a couple now. And while it had been quite a media spectacle the first time Miles and Alex had been caught making out in the green room by a camera team before a scheduled interview of Miles, things had calmed down considerably since. 

Now, when Alex sang of love, and Miles did, too, everyone knew who they were singing about. 

And the fans, funnily, enjoyed it a lot more than Alex’s band did. The first time Alex had played a new song to the Monkeys, about a bit of pent up lust, two Monkeys had blushed profusely, and Matt had laughed for an hour straight. 

Miles curled deeper into Alex’s arms, rubbing his eyes and blinking up at him. “You’re staring at me. I can feel it. What’s wrong?”

“Just wondering what I did to deserve all this happiness.” 

Rolling him to his back and sliding up Alex’s body, Miles’ lips pecked his and he smiled warmly. Then he buried his face into Alex’s neck. “You’re the kindest, sweetest, most loving, tender, friendliest, politest, smartest, most talented, sexiest, kinkiest, most giving, most generous, most amusing, most forgiving, cuddliest, warmest,—”

“Alright, alright!” Alex chuckled. 

“I love you, Alex.” Miles kissed his neck again, smiling, giggling. “And I’ll still love you tomorrow. And the day after that. But you have to sleep now. ‘Cause we have to start moving tomorrow and if you fall asleep in the midst of that, I may not love you quite so much by the end of the week.”

“Oh, really?” Alex grinned.

Miles laughed. “Mmh…” 

“Let’s see who will fall asleep in the midst of something…” Spinning them around, Alex trailed lazy, little kisses down Miles’ chest, immediately being rewarded with throaty, happy moans. “Tired yet? Or should I continue?” 

“Continue,” croaked Miles. 

Alex’s lips reached his navel. “More?”

Miles nodded jerkily. 

“Don’t want to tire you out. What if you—”

Alex found himself on his back once again. Miles hovered over him, begging between kisses. “Sex. Now. Please!” 

“Yes, baby!” 


End file.
